Relationships and Age (May be Offensive To Some)

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  • Mario_Az
    Mario_Az Posts: 1,331 Member
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    work on your self first then worry about a relationship later in your life you will be better for it
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.

    Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.

    Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:

    This is what I think too. I find that people DO settle because who REALLY wants an equal partner? It's human nature to want to be the best and if your spouse is by your side, and has accomplished much more than you have, wouldn't it make you feel like *kitten*? One person is usually always on a pedestal in the relationship (if it's a stable one of course), and it depends on the dynamic of the two. How many times have you seen two highly accomplished people stay married for long? It always seems like they clash so much, and drift apart. Seems to me like in all the successful relationships, one is always more accomplished than the other and even if the other doesn't admit it, they certainly feel it in their heart.

    But if the person is unaccomplished serves a source of support to the accomplished, and both are okay with that, then who are you to place judgment on that partnership. You are correct in thinking that relationships are never entirely equal. In some relationships, one partner will excell above the other partner, and in some relationships each partner will take turns at uplifting each other. This is when it becomes important to find a partner that suits your personality so that expectations are understood.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
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    I have found that I am pickier and put up with less crap as I get older. I just know what I really want and can decide pretty quickly if it's not going to work out long term with a guy. I hold tight to my standards, but they are just not a huge list of ridiculous "non-existent dream fantasy guy" qualities that I required when I was younger. I think this can sometimes be misconstrued as settling.
  • onedayatatime12
    onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
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    who REALLY wants an equal partner?

    c3d0981ae770f926eedf4eda7505b006.jpeg

    In all seriousness, the answer to that question is "mature, intelligent people comfortable with themselves."

    How many successful marriages do you know where both people are equal in status (social, financial, intellectual)? I can't think of any off the top of my head. We think and say that we want it, but we're programmed by evolution (I think) to want to be the best in what we do, so we don't actively seek out 'matches'. Therefore, we DO settle, in my opinion. We don't intend for it to be that way, but we do indeed settle imho.
  • ylor89
    ylor89 Posts: 105 Member
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    Hmmm.. I got married pretty young (23) with high expectations. My husband and I started dating when I was 18... Wow, as I'm typing this, I'm realizing how young I was! Anyway, the only person I've ever dated was my husband and I think it's because I was waiting for the right person hoping the right person was also waiting for me. And when we finally ended up at the right place at the right time, I just kinda knew that we'd grow old together, you know? I remember some of my friends telling me to take a break and date other people for a while, but why waste other people's time if I knew deep down I wanted to marry my best friend?

    I'm not sure what my expectations would have been had I waited until I was much older... I'd probably still expect a lot from my partner. I was raised to believe that I deserve the best and I'm worth fighting for... Thank you, Dad. :wink:

    I don't know if this answered the question... It looks like there are lots of good answers though!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    work on your self first then worry about a relationship later in your life you will be better for it

    I wholly agree with this, OP. If you can't understand the dynamics of your friend's relationship, then you probably just aren't ready for one yourself.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    If your operational definition of Love is "a mutual long-term physical and intellectual attraction" then settling or person-hopping is probably the best you can hope for.

    True Love, not the emotional "I don't have any control over who I fall in love with" (because I am having an oxytocin reaction in my brain and I am a sucker for wild emotion swings) or the attraction based on physical intimacy, but real Love is a decision to commit your life to another person. Love is giving, it is completely selfless, it always puts the other's well-being first. It is the greatest thing that a person can do and it brings a fulfillment and happiness to a person that nothing else of this world can compare to.

    I am guessing you have never experienced that?

    My husband and I have a mutual long term physical and intellectual attraction (for 17 years and counting), why would that suddenly change?
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    That was the situation with one of my relatives, and still is. I agree- accomplishments are accomplishments. But the parents of the groom don't seem to realize that, and they make things hell for the two. When I mean accomplished, I mean, the spouses should be at pretty much the same status (e.g. career, intellectual capacity, etc.). It makes it harder on the couple when there's a difference in status, so why not find a wholesome relationship without the need for such petty clashes? It's almost like you're getting yourself into such a situation that's full of problems, and you KNOW that before you make the commitment, right?

    I'm sorry... are you suggesting that this couple should break up because his parents are terrible people?


    Because that's what it sounds like...

    Nonononono. Not at all. But if his parents could butt out, I'm sure they both wouldn't mind.

    Well that is on the groom... they are HIS parents, correct?

    He needs to grow a pair and tell them that he is happy with who he has chosen and that they need to back off.
  • onedayatatime12
    onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
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    If your operational definition of Love is "a mutual long-term physical and intellectual attraction" then settling or person-hopping is probably the best you can hope for.

    True Love, not the emotional "I don't have any control over who I fall in love with" (because I am having an oxytocin reaction in my brain and I am a sucker for wild emotion swings) or the attraction based on physical intimacy, but real Love is a decision to commit your life to another person. Love is giving, it is completely selfless, it always puts the other's well-being first. It is the greatest thing that a person can do and it brings a fulfillment and happiness to a person that nothing else of this world can compare to.

    I am guessing you have never experienced that?

    Well the only guy I've loved/will always love is my dad :heart: And that <-- is true love in my opinion. I love my dad because I'm attached to him- I care about him, and think about him a lot every day. I don't love him because he provided me with food, clothing, and shelter all these years, but I love him because I love him and I don't know why. Perhaps this is what you mean by love with a partner? Oh, and I've never liked anyone before, at all.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    If your operational definition of Love is "a mutual long-term physical and intellectual attraction" then settling or person-hopping is probably the best you can hope for.

    True Love, not the emotional "I don't have any control over who I fall in love with" (because I am having an oxytocin reaction in my brain and I am a sucker for wild emotion swings) or the attraction based on physical intimacy, but real Love is a decision to commit your life to another person. Love is giving, it is completely selfless, it always puts the other's well-being first. It is the greatest thing that a person can do and it brings a fulfillment and happiness to a person that nothing else of this world can compare to.

    I am guessing you have never experienced that?

    Well the only guy I've loved/will always love is my dad :heart: And I've never liked anyone before, at all.

    Your ideas about relationships will change as you grow older. I think that is ultimately the answer to the question you are asking here.
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
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    Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.

    Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.

    Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:

    This is what I think too. I find that people DO settle because who REALLY wants an equal partner? It's human nature to want to be the best and if your spouse is by your side, and has accomplished much more than you have, wouldn't it make you feel like *kitten*? One person is usually always on a pedestal in the relationship (if it's a stable one of course), and it depends on the dynamic of the two. How many times have you seen two highly accomplished people stay married for long? It always seems like they clash so much, and drift apart. Seems to me like in all the successful relationships, one is always more accomplished than the other and even if the other doesn't admit it, they certainly feel it in their heart.

    If all people have narcissistic personality disorder and they don't. You have some kind of biased info and not enough life experience.


    This, and WOW! someone will never have a healthy relationship until they lose this attitude! Your life partner is just that. He/ She is your equal, and you stand by one another. Seriously way off!!!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.

    Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.

    Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:

    This is what I think too. I find that people DO settle because who REALLY wants an equal partner? It's human nature to want to be the best and if your spouse is by your side, and has accomplished much more than you have, wouldn't it make you feel like *kitten*? One person is usually always on a pedestal in the relationship (if it's a stable one of course), and it depends on the dynamic of the two. How many times have you seen two highly accomplished people stay married for long? It always seems like they clash so much, and drift apart. Seems to me like in all the successful relationships, one is always more accomplished than the other and even if the other doesn't admit it, they certainly feel it in their heart.

    If all people have narcissistic personality disorder and they don't. You have some kind of biased info and not enough life experience.


    This, and WOW! someone will never have a healthy relationship until they lose this attitude! Your life partner is just that. He/ She is your equal, and you stand by one another. Seriously way off!!!

    I think she was actually thinking more in terms of financial provision and has not considered what non-monetary benefits that the bride is bringing to the relationship. She's just young... cut her some slack. She's trying to understand how relationships work and doesn't have the life experience to fully grasp it.
  • jonnythan
    jonnythan Posts: 10,161 Member
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    who REALLY wants an equal partner?

    c3d0981ae770f926eedf4eda7505b006.jpeg

    In all seriousness, the answer to that question is "mature, intelligent people comfortable with themselves."

    How many successful marriages do you know where both people are equal in status (social, financial, intellectual)? I can't think of any off the top of my head. We think and say that we want it, but we're programmed by evolution (I think) to want to be the best in what we do, so we don't actively seek out 'matches'. Therefore, we DO settle, in my opinion. We don't intend for it to be that way, but we do indeed settle imho.

    Um...... several. Most of my closest friends are in such relationships. They're educated, successful, intelligent, active, etc.

    You're 18. You haven't seen a whole lot yet. I'm 32 and haven't seen a whole lot yet. But I've seen successful relationships. In fact, all the successful long-term relationships I've seen are of people who treat each other as equals.
  • bethfartman
    bethfartman Posts: 363 Member
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    There's settling and there's dreaming, somewhere in the middle there's a sweet spot. Everybody dreams of a guy/girl with perfect 10 body, face of an angel, brain of einstein, sensitivity of Shakespeare, and wealth of Bill Gates. At some point you'll need to climb down from the clouds and get real. It doesn't mean you need to take any old bum, you just gotta pick a real human being.

    I totally agree with this ^

    As a narcissist, though, I'm always wondering if I'm settling. I think as long as you have a healthy relationship and you enjoy being around each other, it's worth sticking around. It may be that I've only had very similar relationships, but it seems like they all feel pretty much the same once I've settled into them.
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
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    There is a little settling involved merely because as we mature we realize what is really important. When I was younger, I thought it was important to be with a pretty, artsy girl with a nice body who enjoyed biking around town and eating at weird little ethnic joints. I even married one. After she skipped out on my, I fell in love with a wonderful woman who, while attractive to me, is far from flawless. And she doesn't like all that stuff I thought was so important. But on a deeper level, we are two sides of the same coin and I couldn't be happier.

    So, long story short, don't "settle" but do reevaluate what really matters.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.

    Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.

    Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:

    You know what doing a few internet searches it seems like what I learned in Sociology 101 some years ago has completely changed in fact marriage rates for college educated women in their 30's is growing.

    Looking first at women of all races, we see that after age 30 college graduates pull ahead in the percentage currently married - even though they don't catch up with the two education groups right below them in the percentage ever married until their late 30s. By age 40 college graduates are significantly ahead of the two education groups right behind them in the percentage currently married, while female high school dropouts remain way behind. About 75% of college graduates are married at age 40, compared to about 70% of those who attained high school or some college and only about 60% of those who didn't complete high school. In yet another historical reversal, women with less than a high school education are the least likely to be currently married at all ages after 30.

    http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/marriage-partnership-divorce/fact-sheet-marriage-and-education.html

    I dont know anything about this organization, but it seems to be consistent with what other sources are saying
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
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    I may be cynical about the concept of "love" or more simply put "a mutual long-term physical and intellectual attraction". But is it true that as you get older and you don't find what you want in a guy and you keep moving from relationship to relationship, your expectations diminish and you learn to expect less? Do you basically settle for less as you grow older and still are single? This is not meant to be rude in any way, I just really honestly am wondering this. I have a few friends and relatives I know, who married, at what would be considered, an older age than most, and they had proposals before their current spouse. To be honest, it was a topic of conversation among my friends and I, and everyone believed that the earlier proposals (potential spouses) were more qualified, more attractive, and overall, highly accomplished. Their potential in-laws were also more accomplished and accepting than were the current in-laws.

    It's just something I've wondered, and I want to say that I do not mean offense to anyone by this post. If I have offended you in any way, I sincerely apologize.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this and reflect upon it!

    IN...

    ...for women with diminished expectations.

    disclaimer - this post was not made by jof. any resemblance or similarity to any post made by jof is purely coincidental. all rights reserved.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.

    Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.

    Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:

    You know what doing a few internet searches it seems like what I learned in Sociology 101 some years ago has completely changed in fact marriage rates for college educated women in their 30's is growing.

    Looking first at women of all races, we see that after age 30 college graduates pull ahead in the percentage currently married - even though they don't catch up with the two education groups right below them in the percentage ever married until their late 30s. By age 40 college graduates are significantly ahead of the two education groups right behind them in the percentage currently married, while female high school dropouts remain way behind. About 75% of college graduates are married at age 40, compared to about 70% of those who attained high school or some college and only about 60% of those who didn't complete high school. In yet another historical reversal, women with less than a high school education are the least likely to be currently married at all ages after 30.

    http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/marriage-partnership-divorce/fact-sheet-marriage-and-education.html

    I dont know anything about this organization, but it seems to be consistent with what other sources are saying

    I suspect economy is to blame. It is much harder than it used to be to support a family on a single income. Men are looking for women that can pull their own weight financially. And of course, it is a given that the better educated you are, the more money you can make.
  • Trueray
    Trueray Posts: 1,189 Member
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    Interesting thread!
  • BluejayNY
    BluejayNY Posts: 301 Member
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    I am sad to report that I would agree it is true for me. I put up with things in my marriage I would have never put up with when dating. I would have dumped my husband long, long ago.

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