I have a broken heart...

Hi,

I'm a Jehovah's Witness, I was brought up as one and decided it was a path I wanted to follow. My husband was brought up the same way and together that's how we are bringing up our 3 sons. We were both virgins when we married, I was 23 and my husband 24. We have been married nearly 18 years and although no marriage is without problems, we are still very happy and very much in love. There is nothing wrong in staying a virgin until you marry or wanting a spouse who has the same values. However, as a person with a strong faith in God and accepting the bible as Gods word you need to ask yourself what God's requirements are of you and of the person you want to be with. If the person has changed their ways and become a faithful follower of God then God offers forgiveness and so should we.

There is a lot to our beliefs and what God requires of us and it's not always easy to understand or follow what the Bible says. I don't want to preach on here because it could upset people but if you need a listening ear or a chat please feel free to message me. I'm not out to convert anyone, I just understand where you are coming from and has I have been there, I may be able to help. ;-)

desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

love.

If you cannot get past his past, then you are not ready to decide that he is 'the one' for you.

If you grapple with making him the one for you, you will eventually look back and consider it a mistake. Successful relationships don't begin with nights spent worried and awake thinking about your partner's past. Being nauseated with concern is not the foundation of a good relationship.

An issue such as this, which concerns you this much, is not something that will just disappear unless you are the one who has a substantial philosophical shift.

The boy you know from high school may be the best fit for you in your current dating pool. When you move on to college or elsewhere, your pool will grow, and you will be able to find the right person for you. Don't go with Mr. Right Now.

No you're not a psycho! Love makes everyone crazy when you're betrayed by someone you loved. Why do you think there is so much literature, art, and music devoted to it? THIS TOO SHALL PASS ... take the motivation and make it work for you. Work out to please yourself, forget about her. He's gone, you just want him to see you in a year an say damn I wish I'd been good to her... eat it buddy! . :bigsmile: Most guys are just too single mined & immature when it comes to women at that age, it's a wonder some even survive...! You are learning form your relationships now take the good throw away the bad. Don't let this ruin you for the next guy just be more diligent and reasonably cautious with the next one. In the end you will have to trust someone again... Just remember when someone loves you, they love all of you. " Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". You look gorgeous and very sweet. I know you'll find someone who appreciate you for you.

I'm not moving on just like that from this guy because of his past. He hasn't wronged me in such a great measure that I would leave him while with me. My issue is with being in shock, with the unexpected.. i didn't expect the guy I love to have been such a man slut.... and dealing with forgiving him for his past completely. I hate his past. It makes me seriously hate myself sometimes. That's my problem. thank you though. this was still nice to read

having fooled around with one girl who he was in a relationship with doesn't make him a man slut. You do know that, right?

You are very very young. What you have to realize is that sometimes it takes kisssing(or in your case holding hands with) a bunch of frogs to find your prince.

Your values which I respect are not really what most in your age group have, so you are going to have to be a lot more selective.
I suggest perhaps dating exclusively within a church group or something of that nature? I can't imagine many more places you'd find a man as pure as what you are looking for.

The fact is I don't think you are mature enough to "find your husband" anybody who calls a guy who has fooled around with one woman a "male slut" then you really have issues that need to be examined. IMO .

It sounds like this is a major deal breaker for you. I know that right now, you see it as not wanting to waste time, that you want to find your one true love.

Honestly, I understand. I think most women understand. At 18 I really thought the boy I met was 'the one'. Well since that 'one', I dated many, many other men. And now, at 25, I truly am married to 'the one', who I adore with all of my heart and soul.

We are not religious, I did not wait for my husband. He did not wait for me. That doesn't mean that this doesn't come up sometimes (and actually, I'm not religious but sometimes my husband's past DOES hurt and DOES make me insecure, or angry!) but I'm not going to have us punish each other for experiencing life and having fun while we were young.

Do you love your boyfriend? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Can you truly forgive him? Now, is the true problem that you are struggling with sexuality? (No, this is NOT weird). There is a big difference between having sex, and making love. Are you worried that he was 'making love' rather than having sex? Are you more jealous of the intimacy that he has shared with someone else, rather than the actual act? Sometimes that's what I get more upset about, so I understand.

Anyway, have a think about what is important to you. As you get older, it will become more and more difficult to find someone 'pure' - but in the same instance, it will also become more difficult for men to find someone pure to. Your one is out there. If you can't handle this, then you need to get back out there and searching for your one.

uhhhh the "making love" vs, "having sex" comment... NAILED IT. yes. that's a huge part of what hurts me. and I know that I'm young, but I believe he is my "one"... and I'm so upset that I'm potentially ruining it, because i can't let this go! this has been going on for MONTHS. it haunts me every day. I so bad want to let it go completely. I do love him. I do want to spend forever with him. but as for the forgiveness part... i feel like that's something i don't do one time and it covers forever... it is something i have to constantly be doing. constantly forgiving him for it. sometimes i do... sometimes i don't....

Have you considered this? Perhaps, if the women he has slept with in the past were women he was "making love" with, then that's better than if it was just some fling?

There is a phrase that goes, "It's better to have loved, and lost, than never to have loved at all". I know that I'm better off as an individual with both my heart and my mind that I was with my ex for the 3-4 years we were together. We both have grown so much within that time. Before I met her, I had 1 previous gf who I was with for a while, and I had my heart broken. I ended up treating women and sex as nothing more than flings afterwards... and even treated my current ex kinda crappy when we started off. Now, my outlook on everything is completely different, even though she and I are broken up - hence why I brought up the famous quote...

I don't know if that was a ramble on my part or not... but all I'm trying to say is that if in the slightest chance your "one"s previous partners were more than just flings - and he did put his heart into his encounters, that may not be an awful thing. At least in that situation, you can (perhaps) have the peace of mind that his intentions were noble AND that at least now he has the experience and understanding (emotionally) to love and appreciate you even MORE than those in his past (both inside and outside of the bedroom).

Just because a person has already been around the block, doesn't mean that they can't appreciate a nice walk on a brand new, sunny day. And as it has been mentioned countless time in your thread. Please don't compare yourself to others - or at least try not to. For one reason or another, the past is the past, and an ex is an ex. As you are a person of considerable faith (that I can see), everything happens for a reason, right? Best of luck!

desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

love.

:drinker:

It shouldn't matter what he did before he was with you. As long as he wasn't harming girls and it was all consensual and he didn't cheat on you. He doesn't deserve to be judged. He is young, just like you are. People are always going to have a "past". That is not a negative reflection on who he is as a person.

One of the problems with the focus on virginity (and there are many) is that it causes girls to think that their value and self-worth is based on their sexuality or the purity of their sexuality. Either way it is a focus on her body and sexuality being the determining factor in her value and worth. It's especially damaging for girls that have been sexually abused/assaulted. And the purity movement takes the girl's sexuality out of her own hands and it makes it the property of someone else such as her father and then her husband (again especially damaging in an abusive family).

Another problem I have with the virginity movement is that it teaches young people that sex is dirty and they are dirty and that they should repress their sexuality. In the most innocuous case, it just means they never fully enjoy sex or their body. But, in the worst case...sexual repression is one of the underlying causes of so much of the sexual dysfunction (abuse/assault) that happens. The worshiping of virginity is also a factor in why young girls (children) are sexually abused all over the world.

But, you need to make the choices that are right for you in your life and I don't think you should be judged for that (I'd also like to see you make that choice from an informed place and in a healthy way). But, neither should your boyfriend or any other boyfriend you are going to have in your life be judged. You should take your time to find the person you really want to spend your life with. That is another reason I dislike the virginity movement because it can sometimes result in girls rushing into marriages that are not going to be happy for life.

But, there is certainly nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready, in love, with a good person. Probably more people could benefit from that.

If it matters at all. Neither my husband or I were virgins when we met and dated. But, I met him when I was 18, started dating when I was 20 and was married at 22. Now, at age 35, and after many years together, a lot of what happened back before I was 20 seems very insignificant. There are many things from back then that hold a lot of significance, but my sexual choices are not one of those things (other than I am glad that I had experiences). It does not have the significance I thought it did back then. I felt negatively and judged myself for choices I had made, even when I was 12. I realize now that we shouldn't judge ourselves for choices we made when we were children. My choices were not even bad. I just viewed myself in a harshly judgmental way. I'm also glad I explored and had other experiences and got to know myself and got to know my husband...all before deciding to spend my life with him.

I'm sorta confused.

You are saving yourself for marriage, (I'm not confused about that). You are upset that that he has had sex or whatever with someone else, yet you are obsessed with wanting YOUR body to be the best he has ever seen but is not allowed to touch?

One thing you haven't even touched on is your own insecurities and how overcome THEM. That is the first step in being able to handle what HE has done. That is the root of the problem. He has made his choices. Now you have to make yours. Is he the one or not? Can you handle the past or not? It's simple.

ETA: you have to ask yourself if you are enough of a grown up woman to be all he needs and can handle all he's done without punishing him for the rest of your relationship. My guess is right now you are not, but I think you will be one day.

Well said.

Honey, you are better than her. You are not a *kitten*! Please dont think that you need to look better than her! I know what that feels like because I have felt the same. Just keep doing what you are doing and get that confidence back up. There are going to be MANY other guys in your life and you need to take this as a learning experience and move on. I know it's tough right now, but seriously! Don't let this get you down for to long or ruin the progress you have made ok?

Did you seriously call some person you don;'t know a *kitten*? For really no valid reason?

Honey, you are better than her. You are not a *kitten*! Please dont think that you need to look better than her! I know what that feels like because I have felt the same. Just keep doing what you are doing and get that confidence back up. There are going to be MANY other guys in your life and you need to take this as a learning experience and move on. I know it's tough right now, but seriously! Don't let this get you down for to long or ruin the progress you have made ok?

Excuse me, but what? An 18 year old girl who has not decided to be a virgin until marriage is not a "*kitten*." This is really offensive.

I think to clarify, the poster was not calling the OP a *kitten*, but calling the ex-GF one. Either way, if the OP can't handle the fact that her now BF had sex before marriage and has had a relationship with someone besides her, then she is neither ready nor can handle a serious relationship and really needs to grow up before deciding or rushing into marriage.

I think to clarify, the poster was not calling the OP a *kitten*, but calling the ex-GF one. Either way, if the OP can't handle the fact that her now BF had sex before marriage and has had a relationship with someone besides her, then she is neither ready nor can handle a serious relationship and really needs to grow up before deciding or rushing into marriage.

I think that's exactly why everyone is outraged. Because this ex-gf has done nothing wrong in this scenario and doesn't deserve to be label that way.

Yeah

I think that's exactly why everyone is outraged. Because this ex-gf has done nothing wrong in this scenario and doesn't deserve to be label that way.

I totally agree.

You are not psycho--you are just young and inexperienced. You mention in your post that you would forgive your spouse if he wasn’t pure. So why can’t you forgive your boyfriend (especially since his past experiences were in no way a betrayal to his relationship with you)? You had/have a fantasy of marrying a virgin and having all of your “firsts” together. He has fallen short of this fantasy. So, I guess the question is, is his past a deal breaker for you? The fact that you are becoming obsessed with his ex, consider the sex he had as “dirty,” and have started to lose yourself (trying to get the perfect body to be better than hers) is not a good sign. Your reaction is not the mature way to handle this. You really need to pray and meditate on whether or not the virgin/virgin fantasy is something you have to have in order to be happy in the future. Otherwise, as others have pointed out, every time you do anything intimate with your boyfriend you will be thinking about what it was like doing that with his ex and comparing your performance or trying to outdo his ex. This is not a healthy way to start a relationship.

Also, if you decide to forgive his past, you need to completely forgive his past (not just say you forgive and continue to obsess over it). Otherwise, your obsession will continue to turn you bitter and negative and you will likely wind up losing him anyhow. It has to completely be let go of and not be brought up again.

Until you get this figured out, I have to agree with others that you are really not ready to take the relationship further (especially not to marriage). It’s great if you think he is the one, but if you are hung up on someone’s past and consider intimacy “dirty,” that’s a tell-tale sign you are not ready for that kind of relationship, yet.

...

And to the poster who called the ex a *kitten*: shame, shame, shame on you. I don’t think I can express the horror I felt when I read that comment, especially coming from another woman. If that is the case, then 95% of people (including my husband and I) are *kitten* (based on the 2002 Guttmacher Study). "*kitten* unite!"

Just editing to add a link to the study for those interested: http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/2007/01/29/PRH-Vol-122-Finer.pdf