Overbearing mother causing obesity
Replies
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You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!
She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules
talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face
i had two choices;
1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.
like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.
hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.
understand?
We do understand. All of the advice that has been given to you has been tailored to your situation. Everyone is being really nice, which doesn't usually happen on a public forum.
You just don't like the advice that is being given. You are acting like a victim. You are an adult and are able to control your own life. You need to change your locks and set some boundaries. You need to get therapy to learn to set better boundaries, deal with being alone, and taking responsibilities for your own actions. I have a similar relationship with my mother. I understand that it's hard but you need to take control of your own life.
Like other posters have stated check out nearby churches, therapists with sliding fees, and your work hotline (most places have them). There will be something in your price range, you just need to put in some effort and look.0 -
You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!
She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules
talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face
i had two choices;
1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.
like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.
hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.
understand?
It's up to you to deal with it. You aren't the first person who has had a parent or person in their life like this and have had to resort so far as to getting the police involved and the courts.
At this point in your life at 29....you have no one to blame but yourself for not fixing your situation and continuing to let this happen. Quit making excuses and deal with it and get help by seeing a psychologist or live with it. Those are your choices. If you want to be happy, do something about it. You control who can treat you badly and who can't.0 -
what pisses me off is when we're with familly and she treats me like a little child (like at a restaurant, she tells me "why havent you touched your vegetables? eat your vegetables, why arent you eating your vegetables? pressuring me until i ate them). When things like that happen, my familly doesnt say anything and ignores the situation instead of helping me telling her "she's f*cking 29 years old, leave her alone! but no --- they shut up and later say... oh its because she loves you... i got tired of that crap, got up and left the restaurant with my familly looking at me like im the ungreateful rude child. hypocrits. they certainly dont ignore me when they need help and money though,,,,,
my problem is im too nice. I tolerate all this crap from my familly because i foolishly think they will change and respect me soemday. they dont.
you guys are right, im not dealing with this crap anymore. i dont need therapy to tell me im not the problem. i just need to ignore them . they are the ones that need therapy, not me.0 -
I am a daughter, I am a Mom and I am a Grandma, who's grandchildren live with me. I can guarantee you wont like what I have to say, but if you are willing to read what I say and THINK about it, there may be something that can help. Even if it is one thought, one word.
First off, not to be mean, but to be brutally honest. I don't care how hard it is to deal with your Mother, she is NOT responsible for your obesity!! You open your mouth and insert the food in to your mouth, chew it and swallow it! Does this mean her behaviors or actions are ok? No, of course not!!! Not ever!! Does this mean the mental, physical or emotional abuse you have suffered is ok, both by her or her 'boyfriends'? No, of course not!! Does this mean that her actions were deserved, or that you don't have reasons to be angry or upset? No, of course not! Does that mean that you should continue to live your life as a victim? NEVER!!!
BUT,until you take responsibility for what you CAN control, take the power that YOU CAN exert, you will continue to be a victim. A victim is powerless. Sometimes, as a child for example, it is not within your power to change your circumstances. As an adult, you have multiple resources to change your status from victim, to victorious!!
1) You said you work a varied schedule. Simple. Have your boss tell your Mother you are not there when she calls. If it is truly an emergency, she will tell your boss that. He can say he will try to contact you.
2) Never leave your door unlocked! Not just because of your Mom, but because there are way too many weirdos in the world. If your Mom insists on standing at the door, knocking, let her. If you don't answer, she can't come in and if she does, call 911. She has NO right to enter without your permission!!
3) By making a statement that is a closed end statement, referring to an entire profession, shows a lack of desire to find a solution. If you don't like a counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, try another, until you find a person you can talk to and relate to. People here can sympathize with you and care about the hurt and pain you experience, but, they are not able to counsel you or give you resources to change your circumstances. The right professional will give YOU the resources to change yourself! Not change your Mom.
4) Before joining any branch of the service, you need to examine the benefits as well as the freedoms you will be giving up. If you truly want to join the armed forces, look in to each branch, I am partial to the Air Force for women, to find the best opportunity that will help you throughout your entire life. There are wonderful benefits to joining the service, but there are also major sacrifices. Make sure you have your eating issues under control and that you are physically fit prior to joining as it will make the emotional side of boot camp much easier to experience.
5) You need to realize that your Mother is unable to support you emotionally, the way you need her to. It is something she is lacking, not you. If you can accept this, you can start to choose whether you want to continue to have any type of relationship with her and also, the limitations you need to exert to have that relationship.
6) Don't give her money. Period. She works, so she can buy food. She has a roof over her head. DO NOT give her money. That is simple. Does she pay back her loans? If she does, that's good, but she still needs to learn to manage her money. What if you do go in the service. She can't very well borrow money from you to buy a lamp shade. Help her learn to be independent of you. This is a first step.
7) Your Dad was a grown adult and couldn't handle her abuse. He was smart to get away from a situation he was unable to change. Maybe, since you feel you are both very similar people, you need to learn by his example.
As I said,I am not unfeeling of your situation. My parents had many issues and we never had the best relationship, but I lost my Mom 7 years ago and I have a relationship with my Dad, that is on my terms and I like it that way!!
You CAN do this!! You can change your circumstances and you will be a much happier, more fullfilled person because of it!!! (((((Hugs)))))0 -
what's with the locks thing???
i never gave her a key!!!!!!!!!!!
im not gonna STOP LIVING and lock all my doors 24/7 and live like a hermit in my own house so that MOMMY doesnt make a surprise visit and come in my house when i left the door uncloked when im gardening outside.0 -
what pisses me off is when we're with familly and she treats me like a little child (like at a restaurant, she tells me "why havent you touched your vegetables? eat your vegetables, why arent you eating your vegetables? pressuring me until i ate them). When things like that happen, my familly doesnt say anything and ignores the situation instead of helping me telling her "she's f*cking 29 years old, leave her alone! but no --- they shut up and later say... oh its because she loves you... i got tired of that crap, got up and left the restaurant with my familly looking at me like im the ungreateful rude child. hypocrits. they certainly dont ignore me when they need help and money though,,,,,
my problem is im too nice. I tolerate all this crap from my familly because i foolishly think they will change and respect me soemday. they dont.
you guys are right, im not dealing with this crap anymore. i dont need therapy to tell me im not the problem. i just need to ignore them . they are the ones that need therapy, not me.
I was typing my response when you posted this. You need to print out this thread and bring it to any counseling appointments you schedule. You can not 'ignore' the amount, type of anger and betrayal you feel and hope to have any kind of a happy life. You need to find a way to wisdom to accept what you can't change and to know how to deal with all of the emotions.
I wish you good luck in any endeavor you choose!!!0 -
You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!
She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules
talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face
i had two choices;
1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.
like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.
hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.
understand?
It's up to you to deal with it. You aren't the first person who has had a parent or person in their life like this and have had to resort so far as to getting the police involved and the courts.
At this point in your life at 29....you have no one to blame but yourself for not fixing your situation and continuing to let this happen. Quit making excuses and deal with it and get help by seeing a psychologist or live with it. Those are your choices. If you want to be happy, do something about it. You control who can treat you badly and who can't.
No right way to say this, but...do you even life?0 -
You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!
She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules
talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face
i had two choices;
1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.
like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.
hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.
understand?
I know what you are talking about. However, your response to her not listening doesn't help the situation and it is why she doesn't take you seriously. Also, she knows that you will eventually cave to her demands. Even hiding in your room is giving in to her. You don't have to be physical. Just say no, and that's it. You also don't have to let her in your house. So what if she calls and texts you repeatedly. Ignore it. When you answer her, you are caving and letting her know that it is okay that she just pops in at any time. You have to stand strong. Same goes for work. Tell people about her and if she calls, then tell them to not forward her calls to you. You don't have to take her phone calls. She can call until the cows come home, doesn't mean you have to answer. When you answer, she thinks that she has won and that is how you will cave to her needs.
Despite what you think, what you say you want and what you end up doing are two different things. She knows how to manipulate you and you let her. Stand your ground.
Finally, move. Move far away from her so she can't harass you and you can control contact with her. You don't have to join the army, but you can move. Work on a plan and see it through. It is the only way.
Don't get so defensive. You asked for help by people who have gone through what you have. I have gone through what you have, or at least some. So listen to what I am saying and understand that change is scary, but it will be a good thing for you. Stand up for yourself and take responsibility for your own actions.0 -
I did had therapy when i was young. My mom sent me to a psychologist. The doctor said my mother is the problem.
The purpose of therapy isn't to be reassured she was the problem, it is to learn how to DEAL with her in a way that doesn't stress you out.
I can relate, I had a horrible hurtful cruel father. I understand how hard it is to distance yourself. When you were a child you had to take her abuse and her overbearing behavior but you're not a child anymore. How she effects you now is up to YOU. You can't change her behavior but you can change how you deal with her.
She may have contributed to your obesity but she's not the CAUSE of it, eating too much was. If she's effecting your health that much why haven't you changed the locks or moved and NOT told her where you are moving too. Why do you have contact with her?
I don't understand why she's even in your house if it upsets you/stresses you out. You had to let her in or give her a key.... She didn't rip the door off the hinges and enter your house, she either has a key or you let her in... next time don't. If she wants to interact with you then lunch in a public restaurant is perfect. She can't rifle through your things and in an hour or two you can leave her.
Again, you aren't a little girl anymore. It's time to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions, pull up your big girl panties and become an adult.0 -
what's with the locks thing???
i never gave her a key!!!!!!!!!!!
im not gonna STOP LIVING and lock all my doors 24/7 and live like a hermit in my own house so that MOMMY doesnt make a surprise visit and come in my house when i left the door uncloked when im gardening outside.
its ridiculous!
Wow, that's what you got out of a long, thought out response to your posts. I'm sorry that locking your doors for safety reasons equates to being a hermit, or the statement that it makes you 'stop living'. I only wish you good in your life.0 -
You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!
She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules
talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face
i had two choices;
1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.
like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.
hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.
understand?
It's up to you to deal with it. You aren't the first person who has had a parent or person in their life like this and have had to resort so far as to getting the police involved and the courts.
At this point in your life at 29....you have no one to blame but yourself for not fixing your situation and continuing to let this happen. Quit making excuses and deal with it and get help by seeing a psychologist or live with it. Those are your choices. If you want to be happy, do something about it. You control who can treat you badly and who can't.
No right way to say this, but...do you even life?
0 -
what's with the locks thing???
i never gave her a key!!!!!!!!!!!
im not gonna STOP LIVING and lock all my doors 24/7 and live like a hermit in my own house so that MOMMY doesnt make a surprise visit and come in my house when i left the door uncloked when im gardening outside.
But you can walk away from her. You can lock her outside until she leaves. You can do a lot of things, but you choose not to. If you think you don't need therapy, you are really missing out. You will always use her as the reason why you have no friends and don't date. You will always think you are not good enough. That voice you hear in your head is her and you will always listen and give in to it.
A therapist isn't there to reassure you that you are right and she is wrong. A therapist will help you work through your issues and make you think a different way that is healthy so you can lead a productive life.
I don't understand why you are having such a hard time accepting advice from people who have lived through parents like that.0 -
You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!
She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules
talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face
i had two choices;
1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.
like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.
hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.
understand?
It's up to you to deal with it. You aren't the first person who has had a parent or person in their life like this and have had to resort so far as to getting the police involved and the courts.
At this point in your life at 29....you have no one to blame but yourself for not fixing your situation and continuing to let this happen. Quit making excuses and deal with it and get help by seeing a psychologist or live with it. Those are your choices. If you want to be happy, do something about it. You control who can treat you badly and who can't.
No right way to say this, but...do you even life?
And yes, life not lift.
Life doesn't allow for 24/7 mfp posting. Does not life.0 -
Just stay miserable.0
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stay miserable?
you dont understand you heartless slum.
its either no mother or tolerate crazy mother.
i still love her, i just dont like the things she does.0 -
Im on a forum full of people that were fat in their lives and experienced being treated like crap because of their weight.
yet there are still people here that turned into jerks after losing the weight.
i thought people would help me here, not being rude.
maybe its easy for you people to throw out people you love in your life like they were trash
to me it isnt
i have a heart.
jerks0 -
stay miserable?
you dont understand you heartless slum.
its either no mother or tolerate crazy mother.
i still love her, i just dont like the things she does.
There has been plenty of great advice given, and instead of taking it you seem intent on complaining more and solidifying the fact that your mother is unbearable. We get it. Seems like you are choosing to be miserable.
Either separate yourself from your mother (which is not impossible, unlike what you are assuming) or tolerate her and learn to not let it take over your life or constantly complain about it.
No one here is treating you like a jerk, they're giving you honest and solid advice. Take it, or choose to be miserable.0 -
Just stay miserable.
hey jaggerhawk, so this guys here is not being a total jerk?
i think hes a damn jerk!0 -
I only liek the adive given by people who were nice.
and who ever said i need to put my little girl panties on, that was rude!
doesnt mean i want my crazy mother in my life that it makes me a little girl!!!0 -
Im on a forum full of people that were fat in their lives and experienced being treated like crap because of their weight.
yet there are still people here that turned into jerks after losing the weight.
i thought people would help me here, not being rude.
maybe its easy for you people to throw out people you love in your life like they were trash
to me it isnt
i have a heart.
jerks
Did you even read anything I wrote? I was trying to give you advice and help you see what you need to do to make your relationship with your mother tolerable. No one doubt you don't love her. I don't like the same things as my mother, but I love her because she is my mother. I have learned how to see her and myself and what I need to do to be a healthy person and have healthy relationships with people and be happy. I do understand where you are coming from. You aren't the only person who has lousy parents.0 -
My mother is quite similar, except that she is extremely messy and disorganised - a hoarder in denial. But bossy, controlling, manipulative and self-important, she certainly is. In any situation, even if it completely her own fault, she plays the victim- and people believe her. It was hard, but after 26 years of putting up with her crap, I decided to stop talking to her in April. Best decision I ever made. If she cannot behave like an adult, and respect the fact that you are one as well, this is likely your best course of action. It was painful for me to do, I love her because she is my mother, but I do not like the way she acts or the way she treats others, and she is not willing to concede that perhaps she could be wrong, so this really is for the best.0
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You're an adult now. Move out and take charge of your own life.0
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Venting on a public forum doesn't solve your problem. Childhood therapy obviously didn't help you as an adult.
You are miserable and dumping this on a bunch of strangers on the internet.
Get back into therapy, you don't have to have such a dysfunctional relationship with this woman. You actually don't HAVE to have any relationship with her. This type of posting is very uncomfortable for me, and even though there will be plenty of people who are going to sympathize with you - you need to solve this. You are an adult.
Go on to the next post if it makes you uncomfortable - no one needs to hear your victim-blaming.0 -
It might be a good idea to step away from the computer for a bit and take a breather.
By seeing your reactions to this thread and the issues with your mom I think you need to learn how to react to others in a better manner. You can't control what people say to you but you can control how you react to it and it's obvious this is an issue for you.0 -
i know i'm late to the party, but i just wanted to say i'm sorry. i know this is so hard. have you seen the book Boundaries? http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
i highly recommend it. i've struggled with boundaries with my mom, too. i would highly recommend sticking it out through counseling. you are worth it!0 -
Just stay miserable.
hey jaggerhawk, so this guys here is not being a total jerk?
i think hes a damn jerk!
He's simply pointing out what you are choosing to do already, which is stay miserable. Go ahead and attack the few people that are trying to help you. It'll bring you far in life.0 -
It sounds like you want change but can't figure out how to accomplish it...stuck where you're at. That's why the advice given to seek counsellng is very solid and with the best intent. Excuses are easier than the hard work it will take to regain your life but it is so worth taking your control back. In time you might be able to have a more adult relationship with your mom, and I truly hope you can, but for now you need to concentrate on becoming independent and moving on, for your own sake. I wish you the best.0
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never mind0
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Just stay miserable.
hey jaggerhawk, so this guys here is not being a total jerk?
i think hes a damn jerk!
Nope, totally not a jerk.
I'll break it down for you: you have been given a lot of advice here, by people trying to help, and yet you are intent to shoot everything down and continue to complain. Everyone on here has obstacles that they have had to overcome, you are not special there. Many many people have had huge medical issues, emotional problems, injuries, you name it. You can either choose to try to overcome yours, or you can "stay miserable". Your responses in here seem to indicate that you are choosing the latter, and he was merely pointing that out (which is pretty helpful of him, IMO). Perhaps you should ponder it for a bit.0 -
Just stay miserable.
OP, when I read this piece of advice, I see it as challenging you to stop feeling stuck and sorry for yourself. Take the challenge and do what needs to be done to find peace in your life. Of course it won't be easy to cut ties with your mother, but what's the alternative? Staying miserable?0
This discussion has been closed.
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