Overbearing mother causing obesity

Im on a forum full of people that were fat in their lives and experienced being treated like crap because of their weight.

yet there are still people here that turned into jerks after losing the weight.

i thought people would help me here, not being rude.
maybe its easy for you people to throw out people you love in your life like they were trash
to me it isnt
i have a heart.

jerks

I didn't get treated like crap for my weight. And I was never particularly large. I've also had to deal with problems before (surprise, many of the people giving you advice have been in similar situations). But I am sure you will get many good helpful responses now after calling everyone fat jerks.

I only liek the adive given by people who were nice.

and who ever said i need to put my little girl panties on, that was rude!
doesnt mean i want my crazy mother in my life that it makes me a little girl!!!

This is not how adults deal with problems. Not everything in life is nice. Sometimes the best advice is from the ones that are giving the 'not nice' stuff.

therapists dont know what im going through, they can only give me adivce on what they learned in books back in school to study for their degree or fill me up full of medication.

Everyone should have left this thread alone after this. Someone who so clearly needs and would benefit from therapy as an adult making excuses.

No different than the 'I want to give up trying to lose weight' posts. If you are ready to get what you want, you'll do it. You are apparently still viewing therapy as you did as a child.

Try reading 'Toxic Parents' at least.

im not balming everyone else.
No one in this forum caused the problem between my mother an i.

I do blame rude comments and people laughing at me like that "STAY MISERABLE" jerk, "PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON" or being told to go cry somewhere else when this is a forum for motivation and SUPPORT.
this is a support forum and people tell me to cry somewhere else for support...
thats not nice at all.


but i am greateful for all the others who were nice to me.


I do control my own life, its just my mother that is an issue.
I cant live with her and i cant live without her.
explain that.

You can easily live without her, you just choose not to.

Likely because you enjoy the drama of it.

I do control my own life, its just my mother that is an issue.
I cant live with her and i cant live without her.
explain that.

Then you need to find a balance. Keep your distance while you work on yourself and how you react when it comes to any kind of conflict or disagreement you have with others. After you have done that you can slowly work on building some sort of relationship with her if that is what you want.

Im on a forum full of people that were fat in their lives and experienced being treated like crap because of their weight.

yet there are still people here that turned into jerks after losing the weight.

i thought people would help me here, not being rude.
maybe its easy for you people to throw out people you love in your life like they were trash
to me it isnt
i have a heart.

jerks

Immaturity seems to be the biggest issue coming from your mother's behavior, not your obesity. Stop the attacks. Hopefully the mods will step in here.

I'd like to hear the mother's side of things. Probably very interesting...

I have a problem with my mother, please help.

- Get therapy, cut her off from your life

But i love my mother, i dont want to cut her off.

- STAY MISERABLE



great help right there..... i feel so much better!

Here's what I took from 6 pages of responses...it seems to vary a great deal from what you've taken away from others...


I have a problem with my mother, please help.

- Get therapy. Check out church groups or sliding scale groups. Try different counselors. We are all human and sometimes we may not connect right away with a particular counselor, so try a few different ones until you find one you feel you can connect with.

- Check out some great books that have helped others! There are books available online through sites such as Amazon, or even for free at your library. The topics include Setting Boundaries and Co-Dependency and Narcissism.

- Set boundaries. Treat your mother like a parent treats a child: Set a rule. Set a consequence if such rule isn't followed. Follow through with set rule.
Example: Mom calls at work for non-emergency.
Rule: Tell mom that you cannot take personal calls at work and doing so will jeopardize your job. Do not call you at
work unless it's emergency.
Consequence: You will hang up on mom if she calls at work for a non-emergency related issue. You will return call
after work hours.

Now, follow through with that rule. Repeat as often as necessary. Not one person said this was going to be easy. Will she throw a fit? Probably. Haven't others already said the process will be slow and painful, but necessary?

- Lock your doors. Do not allow her in unless you have invited her over. If she throws a fit outside your door, sneak out the back, turn on TV, put headphones on. Locking doors does not mean living like a hermit. I lock ours all the time out of habit whether or not we are home. I lock them when I am outside in the garden. I lock them when I am outside playing with my kids. I lock them when I am walking the dogs. I keep a key in my pocket so I don't have to carry my whole set of keys with me all the time. Or, I toss it on a string around my neck if I don't happen to have pockets.

- If mom enters, encourage her outside. "Such a great day for a walk! Let's check out the neighborhood!" "I really need to stretch my legs. Let's get outside for some fresh air!" "would you like to splurge and try the bakery down the road for a coffee and pastry?" Get her out of the house.

- Change your phone number. Contact your cell phone carrier and ask how you can block numbers. I KNOW this can be done as we have done this on our stepdaughter's phone. Do you have a phone that will allow you to set a different ring/notification for individuals? If so, set a silent alert for your mother. That way, as she blows up your phone with texts/calls, it doesn't bother you and make you crazy listening to the noise of it going off every 10 minutes.

- set boundaries (again, I know)...Mom, I work rotating shifts. This week, I work the following: (tell her shift). Therefore, please do not contact me between the hours of X-X. If you do, and it is not an emergency, I will hang up and will not answer further calls/texts from you between those hours. My sleep and health are important to me and I need this time to rest. When/if she does not follow your request, then follow the rule you set in place. Hang up. Do not respond to texts. After the time YOU set forth, then you can choose to respond or take her calls.

When out with your family, have you every considered the possibility that she may have alienated them, too, the same way she has done you? Perhaps their coping mechanism in situations such as her harping on you to eat your vegetables is to simply tune her out and ignore it. Also, we teach others how to treat us. If you don't stand up for yourself, why do you think your family will?

But i love my mother, i dont want to cut her off.

- STAY MISERABLE
- Make changes to how you respond to her. Set boundaries. Follow through with those boundaries.
- Sometimes, in some relationships, no matter how badly one may want to have a healthy, loving relationship with a parent, it isn't possible. Sometimes it's necessary to cut ties and set healthy boundaries. Those who have experienced this very difficult, painful decision have felt healthier and happier once having come to terms with their decisions. NOT ONE PERSON said this was an easy decision to make, but it was NECESSARY for THEM. Consider the possibility it may be necessary for you, too.


You mentioned that you thought others who have been through similar situations as your could be helpful. Well, I read MULTIPLE responses from those whom have dealt with difficult parent(s) / family member(s). They expressed to you what worked for them, how they got help, choices they made, difficulties they faced, etc. Yet you repeatedly stated that no one understands, no one listened to what you said, etc.

Are you listening to what others are saying? Or are you looking for more excuses? You cannot change how she behaves or responds to your rules/requests. Only she can change her behavior. And only YOU can change YOUR behavior. Stay strong, stand up for yourself, put your foot down. YOU CHOOSE how you respond to her.

I'd like to hear the mother's side of things. Probably very interesting...

probably goes along the lines of what the OP said:

I love her, I try to help her, make her eat healthy things like vegetables, I try to do the dishes and help her get rid of garbage and get her help when she needs it. And she gets mad.

You know, without all the pages of hate talk. I remember being young. My pages of rants could be summed up by my mom in a sentence lol.

Tell her in no uncertain terms if she doesn't show signs of improvement with things like listening too and respecting you then you will be forced to cut her from your life.
Expect an initial backlash but keep calm and ask her to leave till she calms down.
Then wait 2weeks, if you see a tiny bit of improvement wait till a month. If after than time there is no improvement then do it. Change your number. Don't let her in if she just turns up. If she bangs the door down call police to remove her. Stay strong until she backs down. If she loves you she will give up all the power and attitude to be near you again. Do not engage with her until you are sure she is ready to change.

You say you want support, and I believe that you do. Yet in looking at the pages of comments, more people have been supportive than not. You have only engaged directly with those you believe have not been supportive. I think you should consider why that is, and what dysfunctional patterns you are repeating. I'm not saying this to beat up on you, but because I genuinely believe that due to dealing with an abusive parent, you don't know how to establish healthy patterns and continue to repeat negative ones. It took me years of therapy to break that cycle, so I'm not saying anything to you that I didn't ultimately have to say to myself.

Engage directly with the people who you believe are supporting you. You will find that much more rewarding.. Vague statements of appreciation and thanks in the midst of engaging with people who you believe aren't supporting you isn't the same thing. You have to be willing to accept support in order to get it.