My Boyfriend thinks I'm Fat

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  • staplebug
    staplebug Posts: 189
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    You need to lose weight for yourself, not to make your boyfriend happy (sounds like you don't even need to lose weight, by the way). He's being manipulative...or insecure, I'm not sure which. I wouldn't want to stay with a guy who might cheat with a "skinny girl" the second I gained over 5 pounds.
  • Oishii
    Oishii Posts: 2,675 Member
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    My boyfriend thinks I am out of shape and chubby. I am 5'6" and weigh 140 pounds. At 145, he thinks I'm fat, and he can deal with it when I'm 135. Oh the things we do for love...

    Is this ok? I'm not sure whether to be upset about or agree with him. Its true i'm not at my most idea weight, but I eat healthy, do yoga all the time, and do the best I can with exercise for having a job that requires me to be sitting 9 hours a day.

    I used to be good with how I looked, but he really likes skinny girls and makes me feel like "I look good" is not as adequate as "I look like a sport's illustrated model."

    My husband has very similar standards to your boyfriend. When people suggest you might be a 'troll', they think this might be a joke post, because to them, the figures just don't add up: how could someone call YOU fat at THAT weight?

    Sadly, my DH (darling husband) did. Not only that, but he prodded the 'fat' bits until I cried. So I tried to lose weight for him: I lost it, and when he was still nasty to me, I gained it all back.

    His behaviour was awful, but I'm glad I never considered leaving him over it. Instead, I read Fat is a Feminist Issue and lost the weight for myself.

    And he didn't need to see the scales for me to know what weights he found me fat at. Once he said 'You WERE a bit podgy at Christmas,' when I'd been 60kg (132lb), which I blew up at him over, but if I get below about 120lb, he worries I'm too thin, so my window of attractiveness is rather narrow for him.

    The good thing is, I know I'm attractive to others when I'm not to him, so it has little effect on my overall self-esteem, but is not good for our relationship.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    It makes me sad to read posts like the OP's. My huband has been with me through ups and downs of my weight. When he looks at me, he doesn't see me as overweight or starting to get wrinkles, instead, he still sees the 23 year old woman he fell in love with 23 years ago. I see the same thing when I look at him.

    I mean, what happens if you have an accident and end up with scars on your face? Would it be acceptable for him to tell you that you're ugly every single day then, if that's how he feels? And if that were how he felt, would you really want to stay with a man who doesn't find you attractive the way you are, especially when you are within your healthy weight range?
  • J_apple
    J_apple Posts: 2 Member
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    I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.

    I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.

    Just because you love someone, it doesn't justify their negative behaviour. Him having a weakness when it comes to weight doesn't justify his actions. I know you love him and I know no one is perfect in this world, but no human being regardless of their own issues should make another person feel this bad about themselves.

    From your comments you have mentioned his own issues with weight and obesity (his father). If you really want to make this relationship work then that is the issue that needs to be resolved. Not you losing weight for him. If he really loves you then he will work on his issues. But if he doesn't even acknowledge the problem or want to work on it, then you really need to consider who is giving more to the relationship, because it sounds like you.

    On a separate issue, if you feel like you want to lose weight for yourself and to make you feel good about yourself then go for it. But you should never lose weight to seek validation from another person, whatever your size and shape.
  • JamericanBoy
    JamericanBoy Posts: 484 Member
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    You want a "productive" way to show him how he is impacting on your self image?

    Show him this entire thread in it *entirety*. That should get a response out of him. It prob won't be the response you want to hear but that's cool. It my help you put your relationship into a healthy perspective.
  • norahwynn
    norahwynn Posts: 862 Member
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    Lol get rid of his sorry butt before he feeds you more BS that you will get stuck in your mind and think about constantly.

    Seems like a real loser if you ask me. Guys really say these things to their girlfriends?!


    So glad I'm dating a real man.

    This^^

    Real men don't say things like that to their girlfriends. If you feel good about yourself, then that's all that matters. But you'll never feel good about yourself because even if you were a steady 120 lbs, your boyfriend sounds like the type of guy that will find something else wrong with you.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
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    OP, I don't care if he is great in every other aspect, if he talks to you like this, he is a POS.

    I had an ex who started slowly commenting on my weight, which turned into telling me that his friends made fun of him for dating a fat chick and eventually led to the worst verbal, sexual and physical abuse I could imagine.

    Take it from someone who has been there. Stop trying to convince yourself that he is a good guy even though he makes comments about weight.
  • J_apple
    J_apple Posts: 2 Member
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    You want a "productive" way to show him how he is impacting on your self image?

    Show him this entire thread in it *entirety*. That should get a response out of him. It prob won't be the response you want to hear but that's cool. It my help you put your relationship into a healthy perspective.

    brilliant! I totally agree!
  • Alisha28
    Alisha28 Posts: 406 Member
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    Sounds like he is the only thing you need to lose, you are at a healthy weight!
  • Jerijoh
    Jerijoh Posts: 107
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    Aren't people you love supposed to make you feel good about yourself? Not do the complete opposite? The only thing you need to lose is his sorry behind!
  • Anony1023
    Anony1023 Posts: 19 Member
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    get a new boyfriend
  • spoiledpuppies
    spoiledpuppies Posts: 675 Member
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    Definitely drop the boyfriend.
  • GuybrushThreepw00d
    GuybrushThreepw00d Posts: 784 Member
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    Thought process as i read what you said

    1. Maybe you are fat.
    2. That's not very nice of him to say that
    3. mmm, doesn't sound like you're that fat
    4. queue everyone saying "you've got 170lb to lose right now"
    5. don't care any more.
  • dsmith01
    dsmith01 Posts: 16 Member
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    I seriously think you should get rid of him. You should never let anyone put you down, the only persons opinion you should listen to is yourself. You deserve so much better, if you feel that you need to lose weight than you should do something about it but do it for yourself. It is the best reward in the world when you achieve your goals for yourself!

    At the end of the day if he can not accept you for you than he is an idiot. He probably is only putting you down because he has issues of his own and this is the only way to make himself feel better.
  • SharonBogg
    SharonBogg Posts: 2
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    Dump him!! As long as you feel good at a certain weight then thats the weight you should be. If he doesn't like you no matter what weight you are then he isn't worth bothering about.
  • goodnamegone
    goodnamegone Posts: 237
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    [
  • applepie161987
    applepie161987 Posts: 29
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    I'm also 5'6 and 140 lbs (I started 30 lbs heavier)...and I by no means think I'm fat! Neither does my boyfriend who is a personal trainer. You boyfriend is their to support you, or at least he's supposed to be. If your happy with the way you are, then he should be. Him calling you names like that is abuse, get out of there!
  • smithtat
    smithtat Posts: 3
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    Sounds like you need to lose the boyfriend not the weight. 5'6 140 is a health weight. its my ideal and where I am trying to get back too.
  • laurajo521
    laurajo521 Posts: 91 Member
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    Here's a newsflash for each and every woman on this site: NO ONE looks like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, not even the models themselves. There's this magical tool on computers called PhotoShop, and for years magazines and advertisers have been using it to punk us. No one is that thin, no one's boobs are that perky and no one's skin is that perfect. Stop killing yourselves over an ideal that none of us can ever achieve in real life.

    Yes, we should all want to be healthy. After all, that is why we are here. But no one should be in a relationship that is based on their size. Why? Well, first off, because people who judge based on size generally tend to be jerks and I'd like to think we all deserve better. But secondly, what happens if you get pregnant and are all of a sudden many pounds more? I used to have a friend who's boyfriend would dump her every time she gained five pounds and then she'd lose the weight and do it all over again. it was pretty unhealthy and she deserved better, especially because she was a beautiful girl who didn't look overweight at all.

    I just wouldn't put up with it. You really do deserve better than being treated like a number on a scale by someone who says he loves you.
  • goodnamegone
    goodnamegone Posts: 237
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    :heart:

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