My Boyfriend thinks I'm Fat
Replies
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I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.
I have been married 23 years. Love my control freak... I mean hubby! I will warn you now that marrying a control freak should NOT be taken lightly!! It is difficult at times. Weight will not be the only issue. It is such a bone of contention because it is truly the one thing HE cannot control. You have the control and he hates it.
If you are willing to live with this, my advice is to sit him down with the BMI charts and tell him you are happy at this weight. If he is not, he needs to make the decision to leave. If he stays, he keeps his mouth shut about the weight. When and if you decide to lose weight, tell him it will be on your terms and your way. Not up for discussion. it is not his decision. If you are very firm on all of this, it MAY help. Set the ground rules now because it doesn't get any better. Mine started telling me HOW i need to lose. It had to be South BEach. It had to be the elliptical.
As I said, I love my hubby but my weight has been our biggest marital strife. In his defense, I was 230 at my heaviest, not 145 (which is my GOAl at 5'2' so I think your BF is NUTS!!). i know he loves me and is worried about my health. My dad died from obesity related problems. His dad is obese. he has a cousin over 400 pounds. Weight IS a serious issue but not at 145! And those are just excuses. Bottom line, I quit letting him know how much I weigh. Told him it was none of his business. But the constant controlling led me to eating in secret or at work. Then going thru periods of very low cal or every fad diet out there. An hour a day on the elliptical. With 4 kids, I didn't have time for that! He didn't want me to go to the gym.
We are getting to a healthier place. It is because I have really put down my foot and not tolerated his controlling. I also tell him often that he is a control freak and he needs to chill. I refuse to give up my gym time. He is either mellowing in old age or I am gettign tougher. He also sees results so backing off. He prob thinks I will kick his **s with my 175 deadlift!! (Hope to be 185 after tonight!). He didn' like the idea of lifting at first but I perservered. now he is planning to start this Fall.
I guess waht I am saying s if you are in it for the long haul, set the ground rules and stand your ground. Sometimes I have felt it isn't worth the fight but MOST of the time, it IS worth it! When he is good, he is VERY, VERY good! By that, I mean a fabulous father and spiritual leader and family man for BOTH of our parents! We are BOTH still works in progress and change can happen! But it does take WORK!! Good Luck!
Or better yet. If you plan to stay with him, sit him down and say:
I love you but you need to show me some respect. If you don't then you need to hit the door.
How he treats you and how you *allow* him to treat you can be two different things.0 -
Here's a newsflash for each and every woman on this site: NO ONE looks like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, not even the models themselves. There's this magical tool on computers called PhotoShop, and for years magazines and advertisers have been using it to punk us. No one is that thin, no one's boobs are that perky and no one's skin is that perfect. Stop killing yourselves over an ideal that none of us can ever achieve in real life.
So true. I live in a building that has several model apartments, apartments kept by agencies where a bunch of their newer models all live together. Let me tell you, they do NOT look like they do in their portfolios. They get acne & dark circles just like anyone else. I've seen saggy butts & poochy bellies. Rarely does even a model pass age 22 without acquiring some cellulite. Crooked & discolored teeth get straightened out with photoshop. Some of the girls are skinny skinnies to the point where you can make out every rib through their clothes & have bony knock knees. In their book the pictures are all photoshopped so it looks like they have muscle tone. Frizzy processed hair becomes glossy instantly with the right products & tools used by a professional stylist & a little digital help. The only things that are real are their height and bone structure which are not possible to achieve through any kind of hard work. I've also seen some of the big name models who are household names around the neighborhood & without all the glamour they look so much more normal. Let's not forget that the modeling industry is really just the sales industry, and the real meaning of glamour is deception. If a guy wants Sports Illustrated instead of a real relationship he can have it for $10 or $15 a year.0 -
DUMP HIM
NOW0 -
no matter what you do or what you lose--there will always be something ELSE he needs to change about you. Love isn't about change--it is about loving the one you are with for WHAT THEY ARE0
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Coming in late to this discussion and realizing you care about your BF, one thing to consider in having a relationship with someone who doesn't love you or cherish you just as you are is not easy and realize that he likely will be critical of other things too. If you were "the perfect size for him" he'd likely find something else. Many times when someone is being critical about another they are talking about themselves and deflecting what they think about themselves. He may not think that much of himself and so his preference of "thin" versus your normal weight comments is a way to bring you down to his level so you feel less about yourself and that raises him up. That said, he likely does not understand why he does this, and might never. You have to love yourself enough for this not to bother you or eat at your confidence, and then you have to really think down the road if you want someone who has this characteristic. You see it really isn't about if he wants you, of course he does, it is if you want him enough to live with this. Be well and happy.0
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I'm 5"6 and currently 204lbs...not once has my bf called me fat! If you're fat then I have my own centre of gravity!
Love is strange and every relationship works in different ways. The only thing I have to to offer is that I feel loved, I feel secure and I'm doing this for me. If you feel those things, great but if there is any part of you that doesn't then you need to tell him and make him see that it's not ok to say those things.0 -
Dump him!0
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Or better yet. If you plan to stay with him, sit him down and say:
I love you but you need to show me some respect. If you don't then you need to hit the door.
How he treats you and how you *allow* him to treat you can be two different things.
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^this0 -
Not okay. Controlling, emotionally abusive.0
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Honestly you can probably only make yourself less sensitive by losing weight, working out and getting strong so improving your self-esteem so you don't care what he thinks. I wish I could do this because I am also in this situation.
He also won't like it if you point out some of his weaknesses. I bet he doesn't have the perfect body. Most men have scrawny legs for instance.0 -
HA! Glad a man said this. I had a bf just like this girl's. My brother told me to tell the criticizing bf that ,tho I loved him, I wished his penis was as big as my old bf. I really wish I had followed my brother's advice but I was young and lacked guts.Tell him his penis is really small, that will put things in prospective for him (two wrong DO make a right)0 -
Not going to be in a relationship with someone who does not respect me. Anyone who is that insecure that they have to put someone else down is not worth being with and there are real decent men out there who will treat a woman well and not make issues of her physical flaws. I've already been through this type of relationship and I am happier with the drama gone. Sorry, but "oh he is so great in xyz ways" does not make up for the lack of respect he shows for YOU by criticizing you. My ex had a lot of good qualities-none outweighed the bad and I am glad he is gone. He isn't worth keeping.0
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What if you got cancer? What if you were in an accident and lost a limb? What if you get older, which of course, you will, and you will have gray hair and wrinkles and loose skin, and you are no longer his little barbie doll?
Yeah, I'm sorry, but I have a lot of both personal and second-hand experience with abusive family members, and they do not get better. Your boy"friend" is telling you that you will never be good enough for him. He doesn't see you as a person when he looks at you. He sees you as play-doh that he can mold to his will for his own selfish ends. He doesn't want an equal partner. If I had to guess, he's probably a narcissistic *kitten* who thinks that women were put here to glorify and satisfy him and that's why they should all conform to his ideal. If you did somehow manage to get down to whatever weight he arbitrarily set for you, he will move the goalpost again to get you to do your little tap-dance for him again. And if he doesn't get what he wants out of you, he'll keep escalating.
Today it may be running down your personhood, but sooner or later it'll be hiding your car keys so you can't go to work, taking your paycheck, threatening to kill himself if you don't cater to his whims (with the attendant bullscat guilt trip that it'd be your fault if he did), and controlling who you see to isolate you from your support networks. And that's just some of the things that could happen if you're lucky enough that it does not progress to physical or sexual violence, which is entirely likely.
Just wanted to paint a picture of what you could be facing if you really decide that leaving him is just not an option. Leaving should always be an option, because people's behavior can and does change.0 -
To be pragmatic if I may, i'd argue that the majority of the women posting on here would without a doubt continue to be in a relationship with a guy who said equally mean things to them because of love. It isn't fair to say the guy's a **** either, were only hearing from one side, she very well could be twisting his words, or taking something he said too seriously.
To continue the name calling wouldn't be ideal. Maybe tell him your feelings are hurt by whatever he said and see if he apologizes?0 -
I certainly respect your opinion, RJ, but sometimes the truth is not "somewhere in the middle", and there are those of us who have finely-honed "red flag" detectors because our survival required it for years or decades.
In a healthy, equal-power-dynamic relationship, you can certainly tell the other person that your feelings are hurt and expect to be heard and empathized with. I'm afraid that just isn't likely to be the case here.0 -
To be pragmatic if I may, i'd argue that the majority of the women posting on here would without a doubt continue to be in a relationship with a guy who said equally mean things to them because of love. It isn't fair to say the guy's a **** either, were only hearing from one side, she very well could be twisting his words, or taking something he said too seriously.
To continue the name calling wouldn't be ideal. Maybe tell him your feelings are hurt by whatever he said and see if he apologizes?
Get the *kitten* out of here with your reasonableness and common sense! This here's a witchhunt, damn it!0 -
I would tell him to go **** himself if I were you
Do you need more friends on here? Ones that WON'T tell you that you're "too fat"? That's what I would be willing to do - that and provide feedback.0 -
So in order for his approval and so-called ''love''....you have to change the number on the scale by like what 10-20 pounds?
That is absurd. No, if he cared for your health he would support you in what you are doing- living healthily...not drastically reducing in size/body shape. For me, it is about losing inches and gaining strength- not caring about a silly scale number. He is being rude and does not give you respect. You do what YOU want, do not listen nor follow his needs, this is about YOU and your body and health. Remember....a good boyfriend will support you through the hardships and obstacles, not ridicule you. Take care!!!0 -
Um...it starts with comments like that. That will be his excuse to behave badly. So, you drop ten pounds and then what? He'll find something else. Time to reevaluate who you really wasn't to spend your life making happy. I HIGHLY recommend you choose YOURSELF! Best of luck0
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Get rid of his sorry Butt ! A true man will help you with you self confidence and support you along your journey !0
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This cannot be a real post surely?0
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Lol get rid of his sorry butt before he feeds you more BS that you will get stuck in your mind and think about constantly.
Seems like a real loser if you ask me. Guys really say these things to their girlfriends?!
So glad I'm dating a real man.
This!!! You shouldn't be with someone who wants to change you. It NEVER works unless you are a pushover with no thoughts of your own. I did this once when I was young and stupid. Get out now before it gets worse. You should wanna change for YOU not for anybody else. W t f0 -
As a wise friend once told me "Forget Him!" I did and she was right. As I read your post, we are the same height, but your weight is my goal weight! That's awesome, and I bet you already look great. Anyways, good luck on MFP! 0
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My boyfriend thinks I am out of shape and chubby. I am 5'6" and weigh 140 pounds. At 145, he thinks I'm fat, and he can deal with it when I'm 135. Oh the things we do for love...
Is this ok? I'm not sure whether to be upset about or agree with him. Its true i'm not at my most idea weight, but I eat healthy, do yoga all the time, and do the best I can with exercise for having a job that requires me to be sitting 9 hours a day.
I used to be good with how I looked, but he really likes skinny girls and makes me feel like "I look good" is not as adequate as "I look like a sport's illustrated model."
No. It's not alright. You need to talk with him, and he needs to accept you for who you are. If you are not happy with being 140, by all means, lose weight. Don't subvert yourself for him. If you do, he will expect it in other areas of your life as well.0 -
I think I need to try this again...I love my boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him. He has a weakness when it comes to weight, but it most other ways he is a wonderful and supportive man.
I am really open to advice on how to productively move past this. I don't want to continue to feel this way, and so far nothing I have tried has made him realize just how big an effect he is having on my body image. Please, if you have any (productive) ideas for how to approach this and help it hit home with him or at least how to make me less sensitive to it, let me know.
My opinion if that even if he's amazing in every other area of life, his negatively affecting your body image can easily override all that. Picture yourself with him 5 or so years down the road. Picture your life after you've had a couple of kids and as a result, gained weight. Picture him negatively affecting your potential future daughter's body image. Chances are, he won't get better, and it WILL affect your kids. Is that really something you want? You need to flat out tell him what a **** he's being, and if he won't change in this area, my advice is to ditch him. There are many amazing men out there, you don't need to suffer with one who can't deal with you being at a HEALTHY weight
QFT!!0 -
It shouldn't matter what a boyfriend thinks. There is no room in one's life for people who love you on terms...conditional love isn't love at all. He can tell you what you need to do to make yourself better but he's clueless to the fact that he needs to work on himself...The Dunning-Kruger effect.0
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Not going to be in a relationship with someone who does not respect me. Anyone who is that insecure that they have to put someone else down is not worth being with and there are real decent men out there who will treat a woman well and not make issues of her physical flaws. I've already been through this type of relationship and I am happier with the drama gone. Sorry, but "oh he is so great in xyz ways" does not make up for the lack of respect he shows for YOU by criticizing you. My ex had a lot of good qualities-none outweighed the bad and I am glad he is gone. He isn't worth keeping.
This!!!!0 -
My husband is the same way. I was 120 when I met him, but I was overcoming some pretty serious and bad habits.
During my recovery, I gained quite a bit of weigt.
Long story short, I told him after 4 years of being married and me obsessing about my weight because "his wife shouldn't be bigger than him" to either
A) Kick rocks
or
Do some push ups and eat some Wheaties..
Life is too short and this journey I am on, is for me. You need to surround yourself with non toxic people so you can succeed and feel good about yourself. I don't use the scale as my primary goal but you best believe I am looking at my inches lost each week!
And it is no longer for my husband. The goals I have set are my own.0 -
Years ago I was with someone who treated me like that. He actually told me once that if I gained weight, he'd still care about me but that "we'd just be good friends". I can't imagine being with someone who was so shallow that there was no give with their perception of me. What was the limit? 5 pounds? 10? Would something happen medically that would cause weight gain and I would no longer be seen as lovable? Would he leave me if I got pregnant and gained weight to have a healthy baby?
I cut my losses with that one and found someone who- 14 years later- still thinks I'm the hottest thing on this planet. He's seen me fat, thin, pregnant, when I'm trying to get fit and when I just don't care. His love has never wavered. I've found the men (and women) who set that kind of bar with the person who they're supposed to love and accept will never be happy with what they have.0 -
He sounds like a super douche bag. If you're happy with how you look that should be all that matters.....leave his *kitten*
Amen!0
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