Relationship advice please!

whatkatydidnext
whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
edited November 3 in Chit-Chat
Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me. :(

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.
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Replies

  • walleyclan1
    walleyclan1 Posts: 2,784 Member
    No advice but lots of red flags. If he is not willing to do things the way you want, are you willing to do things his way the rest of your life? If not, may need to move on.
  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
    just break up
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
    Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that word loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.
  • teresamwhite
    teresamwhite Posts: 947 Member
    Sounds like a man-child...he's got it pretty good from his point of view: No bills, no real obligations to hearth, home, kids or wife...gets to be with you on his own terms, but otherwise total freedom. It's apparently working for him, too.

    Some guys 9and gals) do live at home for extended periods of time...pay down debt, get an education, help their aging parents, etc...but for it to be the ideal living situation indefinitely? Not for me or my guy. But, other guys may have a different opinion -I don't claim to be an expert on the male mind!
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
    I would move on. I'm much younger than you and even for me living at home forever would be a big deal breaker. Find someone else that loves you and is sure about their feelings for you. There are a lot of people in this world, no reason to settle and no reason to stay with someone hoping they'll change things about themselves or their situation that they probably won't!
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
    No advice but lots of red flags. If he is not willing to do things the way you want, are you willing to do things his way the rest of your life? If not, may need to move on.

    I don't necessarily want everything done my way. I'm a big believer in compromise. It would also be nice if he moved out of home and got his own place, as I'd quite like to not be the host sometimes. He can certainly afford it, not having paid bills for the past god knows how many years!
  • 1PatientBear
    1PatientBear Posts: 2,089 Member
    Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that work loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.

    Bingo. Time to ditch him and find someone who doesn't have a curfew, an allowance and his laundry done for him.
  • DainaLC
    DainaLC Posts: 18,937 Member
    he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.
    [/quote]
    This is the part that would worry me!
  • yelliezx
    yelliezx Posts: 633 Member
    Don't settle for mediocre! If he isn't making you happy then hold out for the one who will!
  • MyPureSteez
    MyPureSteez Posts: 265 Member
    LOL you need advise?
  • webbeyes
    webbeyes Posts: 105 Member
    In a word: yikes.

    Don't take me the wrong way when I say "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

    I mean this in a few ways:
    - he pays no rent
    - he doesn't lift a finger
    - he's got a great girlfriend
    - he's never going to have kids (which are a lot of work too)

    He has the perfect life ... why would he spoil it by having to:
    - start paying some rent
    - maybe have to do some housework
    - not have a place to disappear to when his girlfriend asks him to do housework

    That's majorly greedy ... and downright wrong.
  • MikeGayner
    MikeGayner Posts: 2
    Living with mum and dad at 38? Oh god this is too awesome.
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
    Bingo. Time to ditch him and find someone who doesn't have a curfew, an allowance and his laundry done for him.

    Ha, in fairness to him, he gets none of those things.

    I hope.
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    wont tell you he loves you... wont move out of his parents house... is in his later 30's... uh... are you sure he is an adult and not an 18 year old boy?

    My only advice is break up, seriously.

    This whole situation is a big no thanks, time to move on.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    What in the name of gravy ever possessed you to even date a 38 year old that lives with his parents? SMH.
  • asimmons221
    asimmons221 Posts: 294 Member
    Him saying he doesn't love you is the biggest problem of all.
  • 1PatientBear
    1PatientBear Posts: 2,089 Member
    Bingo. Time to ditch him and find someone who doesn't have a curfew, an allowance and his laundry done for him.

    Ha, in fairness to him, he gets none of those things.

    I hope.

    I would hope not. I was being a smart aleck to make a point. Need it spelled out a little better? Ok.....ahem....GET THE F*** OUT OF THAT "RELATIONSHIP" BEFORE YOU WIND UP WITH SOMEONE YELLING AT YOU TO PUT HIS POODLE IN THE BASKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    You know the answer in your heart of hearts. Men=simple creatures of action

    Hope your situation improves
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
    a 38 year old man who is content to live in his parent's home (who has no known disabilities or illnesses that require constant care by a parent).....ummmmm.....ya.....NO.

    Huge Huge Huge red flags. At 35 you have time to find someone who will commit to you...at whatever level you feel comfortable. This fella....not so much.
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
    What in the name of gravy ever possessed you to even date a 38 year old that lives with his parents? SMH.

    He wasn't 38 when we got together and I wasn't aware of his living situation at first.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    Look bottom line....

    relationships are compromise.

    he's not compromising one bit here.

    so will you accept that?

    or will you resent that?

    it seems you expected a different outcome and it's not going to happen.


    so either leave.

    or stay.

    I would leave.

    but that's me.
  • JingleMuffin
    JingleMuffin Posts: 543 Member
    This is all a bit troubling.

    It sounds like he is doing you a favor by not wanting to move in with you. Saving you a ton of work and money too.
  • BlueBombers
    BlueBombers Posts: 4,064 Member
    Sounds like a man-child...he's got it pretty good from his point of view: No bills, no real obligations to hearth, home, kids or wife...gets to be with you on his own terms, but otherwise total freedom. It's apparently working for him, too.





    ^ This
  • ajmaupin
    ajmaupin Posts: 44
    I had a friend that lived in CA that had the same issue- the breaking point was his lack of motivation to better himself (i.e.- exercise, bathing (why when you don't go out?), job, etc. ). It honestly sounds like he is stringing you along as it is comforting and most women wouldn't put up with it. Ditch the man-child
  • jamiem1102
    jamiem1102 Posts: 1,196 Member
    No advice but lots of red flags. If he is not willing to do things the way you want, are you willing to do things his way the rest of your life? If not, may need to move on.

    I don't necessarily want everything done my way. I'm a big believer in compromise. It would also be nice if he moved out of home and got his own place, as I'd quite like to not be the host sometimes. He can certainly afford it, not having paid bills for the past god knows how many years!

    I hear you on compromise, but it seems you're the only one compromising. He is refusing to compromise. So... I don't know if this is a personal issue on your part... like maybe you don't feel you deserve love or something? But... I feel sad about your situation. To be in a relationship for so long and your partner doesn't even know if he loves you? That sucks.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    You know the answer in your heart of hearts. Men=simple creatures of action

    Hope your situation improves

    that's a highly generalised and misandrist statement.

    it's kind of offensive and not true.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    It's already ruined your relationship. You can't stop thinking about it. Love isn't supposed to feel like this.

    You know what you have to do.
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
    Him saying he doesn't love you is the biggest problem of all.

    I know and weirdly, it's the living together thing that gets to me more. I genuinely believe that he does love me though, but he's just to emotionally stunted to realise that's how he feels. He is incredibly loving towards me. I'm sure I'll get slated for saying that though.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    If he says he doesn't know what love is, he's telling you as loudly as he can that he's not going to tell you he loves you. He's disavowing all connection with it so he doesn't have to say it. "I don't speak Urdu! How can I quote the Upanishads?"

    Dude. If he's 38 and telling you he doesn't know what love is, believe him.
  • KnitSewSpin
    KnitSewSpin Posts: 147 Member
    You deserve so much better. I was dating a man who had been married three times and when I found out he had never been in love, wasn't capable of it, I ran away, fast. The next month I met my future husband :)

    Break. Up. Now. Don't waste another day on this jerk.
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