Relationship advice please!

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  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    Look bottom line....

    relationships are compromise.

    he's not compromising one bit here.

    so will you accept that?

    or will you resent that?

    it seems you expected a different outcome and it's not going to happen.


    so either leave.

    or stay.

    I would leave.

    but that's me.
  • JingleMuffin
    JingleMuffin Posts: 543 Member
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    This is all a bit troubling.

    It sounds like he is doing you a favor by not wanting to move in with you. Saving you a ton of work and money too.
  • BlueBombers
    BlueBombers Posts: 4,065 Member
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    Sounds like a man-child...he's got it pretty good from his point of view: No bills, no real obligations to hearth, home, kids or wife...gets to be with you on his own terms, but otherwise total freedom. It's apparently working for him, too.





    ^ This
  • ajmaupin
    ajmaupin Posts: 44
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    I had a friend that lived in CA that had the same issue- the breaking point was his lack of motivation to better himself (i.e.- exercise, bathing (why when you don't go out?), job, etc. ). It honestly sounds like he is stringing you along as it is comforting and most women wouldn't put up with it. Ditch the man-child
  • jamiem1102
    jamiem1102 Posts: 1,196 Member
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    No advice but lots of red flags. If he is not willing to do things the way you want, are you willing to do things his way the rest of your life? If not, may need to move on.

    I don't necessarily want everything done my way. I'm a big believer in compromise. It would also be nice if he moved out of home and got his own place, as I'd quite like to not be the host sometimes. He can certainly afford it, not having paid bills for the past god knows how many years!

    I hear you on compromise, but it seems you're the only one compromising. He is refusing to compromise. So... I don't know if this is a personal issue on your part... like maybe you don't feel you deserve love or something? But... I feel sad about your situation. To be in a relationship for so long and your partner doesn't even know if he loves you? That sucks.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    You know the answer in your heart of hearts. Men=simple creatures of action

    Hope your situation improves

    that's a highly generalised and misandrist statement.

    it's kind of offensive and not true.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
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    It's already ruined your relationship. You can't stop thinking about it. Love isn't supposed to feel like this.

    You know what you have to do.
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
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    Him saying he doesn't love you is the biggest problem of all.

    I know and weirdly, it's the living together thing that gets to me more. I genuinely believe that he does love me though, but he's just to emotionally stunted to realise that's how he feels. He is incredibly loving towards me. I'm sure I'll get slated for saying that though.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
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    If he says he doesn't know what love is, he's telling you as loudly as he can that he's not going to tell you he loves you. He's disavowing all connection with it so he doesn't have to say it. "I don't speak Urdu! How can I quote the Upanishads?"

    Dude. If he's 38 and telling you he doesn't know what love is, believe him.
  • KnitSewSpin
    KnitSewSpin Posts: 147 Member
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    You deserve so much better. I was dating a man who had been married three times and when I found out he had never been in love, wasn't capable of it, I ran away, fast. The next month I met my future husband :)

    Break. Up. Now. Don't waste another day on this jerk.
  • elleloch
    elleloch Posts: 739 Member
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    What in the name of gravy ever possessed you to even date a 38 year old that lives with his parents? SMH.

    He wasn't 38 when we got together and I wasn't aware of his living situation at first.

    But still.

    Five years just seems like a hell of a lot of time to waste on someone like this. He sounds like a loser.

    Sorry. I know the joke answer to these threads is always "just break up" but seriously... for real... BREAK UP
  • elainecroft
    elainecroft Posts: 595 Member
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    Him saying he doesn't love you is the biggest problem of all.

    I know and weirdly, it's the living together thing that gets to me more. I genuinely believe that he does love me though, but he's just to emotionally stunted to realise that's how he feels. He is incredibly loving towards me. I'm sure I'll get slated for saying that though.

    He can be 'loving' towards you and still be a selfish uncompromiser. Seems like everything is on his terms, so you need to decide if you are ok with how he is, because it sounds like he isn't going to change.
  • Ed98043
    Ed98043 Posts: 1,333 Member
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    Oh dear God, I guess you've been in the monkey house so long that you don't even notice the stench anymore. Please believe all of us - it stinks to high heaven.

    I know it's hard to flush 5 years down the drain but this guy is a Peter Pan of the highest order. Even if you could shoehorn him out of his parent's house and into yours, what do you think would change? Do you think he would suddenly become a responsible adult and contribute equally toward the household? No, he wouldn't. He would just expect you to take over the role of caretaker. He is lacking some of the main characteristics of a functioning adult: ambition, independence, pride in one's self, and apparently the ability to love. Start disengaging yourself from this guy immediately before you wake up and find another 5 years gone and your stock in the dating world has dropped along with it.
  • chunkydunk714
    chunkydunk714 Posts: 784 Member
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    You need to figure out your self worth and realize you're better than dealing with a child trapped in a mans body.
  • heylookitsval
    heylookitsval Posts: 1,141 Member
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    Dump him, find a real man!
  • JingleMuffin
    JingleMuffin Posts: 543 Member
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    There are some hellava good men out there.
    I would know - I got lucky enough to marry one.
    I would have hated to have been unhappy in a changeless situation and missed out on my life right now.
    It could have happend - and im so glad it didn't
    I hope happiness happens to you. whether it comes your way or you just make it happen. :)
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    you're dating a 38 year old child. You don't have a relationship, just play time
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    What was the question?

    Really?

    He doesn't want what you want, move on.
  • KnitSewSpin
    KnitSewSpin Posts: 147 Member
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    And if he tells you he doesn't love you. He doesn't. Stop trying to convince yourself he does. That is so enabling.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    Lives with his parents....bad at relationships....sounds like George Costanza!

    In all seriousness, it's time to move on - the relationship has run it's course.

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