Relationship advice please!

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Replies

  • tyediri
    tyediri Posts: 183 Member
    I was with someone for 4 years when I didn't love them and I was unhappy. I carried on because I was afraid of what would happen once we broke up. I had to build a whole life from scratch because we had so many routines etc, and I was scared. But once I did it, it was amazing and I felt free and was back to normal within weeks.

    I was in love with someone and dated them for 2 years. We were both in love and happy, but he didn't know what he wanted with life and sometimes he felt like I didn't fit in to the life he wanted. We broke up and got together 3 times, which destroyed the both of us but we couldn't stay away. But it wasn't getting to the point when I couldn't take all the indecisiveness and we broke it off. It was the opposite of my previous relationship. I was broken. I gained 20kg in about 8 months. Missed lectures. Was clinically depressed. Couldn't sleep. But then after a year and half, I got over him. And yet another year later I met the most amazing man! He has made me happier than I could have imagined and goes out of his way to make me know I am special, tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me every single day and we are engaged to get married next year.

    I know it is difficult, and it feels like your life will be destroyed and that you have to compromise and tolerate things because you are in love, but it does sound to me like he doesn't feel the same about you, and if it is a problem now, unless something changes it will not get better. You will either have to leave him, or when you tell him you are going to leave, he will realise that he does love you and needs you in his life and make an effort to change (actually make an effort to do so, just saying it doesn't count).

    Either way, you cannot just hope things will get better and do nothing.

    Listen I was with the wrong guy for six years. There is life after a dead end relationship. I promise. I know the courage is hard to find, but you gotta. You owe it to yourself and you deserve better. Believe that please because it's true.

    I do understand that. I was with someone for 9 years and for half of that was unhappy and I didn't love him any more, but carried on as things 'weren't that bad'. This time though, my feelings are very different, which is why I'm so confused.
  • Inkratlet
    Inkratlet Posts: 613 Member
    No advice but lots of red flags. If he is not willing to do things the way you want, are you willing to do things his way the rest of your life? If not, may need to move on.

    I don't necessarily want everything done my way. I'm a big believer in compromise. It would also be nice if he moved out of home and got his own place, as I'd quite like to not be the host sometimes. He can certainly afford it, not having paid bills for the past god knows how many years!

    He's not compromising though, is he?
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
    It's been said many times before, but 38 and living at home on his own free will (i.e. he doesn't "have" to)?

    And you want to take this guy into your home...why?

    You expecting an adult relationship with a guy who's living like a teenager...why?

    You said you don't want kids, but that's exactly what you would get if he moves in with you. A big kid to take care of. Do you think he would magically grow up and be responsible once he lives in your home with you?

    Do yourself a favor, leave him with mommy and daddy and find yourself a real man.
  • ren_ascent
    ren_ascent Posts: 432 Member
    Look bottom line....

    relationships are compromise.

    he's not compromising one bit here.

    so will you accept that?

    or will you resent that?

    it seems you expected a different outcome and it's not going to happen.


    so either leave.

    or stay.

    I would leave.

    but that's me.

    And the daffodils look lovely today. Your post sounds like a poem and reminds me of Daffofil Lament by the Cranberries :) Which is also relevent to the OPs issue, she may want to give it a listen.

    OP: Make the decision to get what you want out of life. I don't see you getting it from your BF.
  • samloveschris
    samloveschris Posts: 16
    Sorry it's probably not what you want to hear hun but I also think it's time to break up.

    Five years is a long time to refuse to take the next step. You have invested 5 years in this and he won't move in with you?

    Think alarm bells are starting to ring now. If your not willing or wanting to break up with him then suggest a trial living together for a month or so and see what he says. If he still refuses I think you have to accept there's no other way to go.

    At the very least also suggest a trial separation and evaluate how you feel about his choice.

    But seriously, 38 and still living at home? What the heck!

    Good luck honey, add me if u want to talk :) x x x
  • kgreenRDLDN
    kgreenRDLDN Posts: 248 Member
    Y do women date these types of dingle berries?? I see it all the time. just blows my mind. Is it self confidence issues?? always leaves me shaking my head. Anyways insert foot into *kitten* and find a man worth a damn

    Its the notion that we can change the man or fix him. Most women like the "wounded Puppy" as my mom always referred to them. The guy who has multiple issues going on and needs that extra support or whatever. The ex I mentioned before I was with off and on for 4 years. He was in and out of jail for probation violations from a felony charge long before we met/started dating. (I don't do the drug thing) When we started dating he was clean and sober (drug-wise), but would let his friends talk him into going to the bar where his PO would patrol and catch him.

    I stuck it out under the impression that he loves me and will change, I can help him change, I can fix him. It took 4 years of some happy times, and many stressful miserable days before I could finally cut the ties and move on. We are still friends, as I cant ever seem to cut him out of my life completely, but that is all it could ever be. this last time we started talking again he finally apologized for all the dumb stuff he did during our relationship, and that he was sorry he ever lost me. It was sweet but we both also know that it would never have lasted. Plus I have now met the man of my dreams, so there is that too.
  • lisaslim1976
    lisaslim1976 Posts: 145
    If you ever want any sort of happiness/life/self respect then move on! It will hurt to start with.. but can you honestly see any sort of future with him!?
    One day you will look back and think WTF was I doing!!??
    good luck x
  • LuLuChick78
    LuLuChick78 Posts: 439 Member
    There comes a time when you need to stop crossing oceans for people who would not jump puddles for you.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    Just break up. Seriously. He lives with his parents and doesn't love you after 5 years? Run, but run away.
  • kgreenRDLDN
    kgreenRDLDN Posts: 248 Member
    There comes a time when you need to stop crossing oceans for people who would not jump puddles for you.

    Very nicely put!
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    This thread should be dead, just like the relationship.
  • 50racinggirl
    50racinggirl Posts: 96 Member
    I think you have to ask yourself what you want for yourself in the future. If you have dreams of being married then you have a decision to make as it is fairly clear from your post that is not in his future.
    Another thing that is concerning from your post is the fact that he is content to live with his parents and make no contributions to the household. My concern is that he might not be able to take care of you and he would be just dead weight. Is that something you are wiling to live with?

    Just some things to ponder.
  • lovely_helena
    lovely_helena Posts: 2
    Your boyfriends seems to be inexpressive of his feelings, I can accept that as some men are born not too showy of their feelings. However what I am just wondering about is why he still live with his parents. Are you willing to marry a man like this? If you can tolerate these things and still will be willing to go on with the relationship you are running the risk of being hurt. If you follow your rational mind, you will know the answer. However, love sometimes is irrational. If you love him who am I to go against it. Some of our friends here already advised you to break off with this guy, but again it is you who will make the final decision.

    Now if for some reason, you feel that this guy has fallen out of love, but deep in your heart you know that you want to give yourself a second chance you might try some of the tips in http://grabyourexback.com/. This pretty worked for me. :-) However I will advise that you only do this, once you have a heart to heart talk with your bf and compromise on a setup which will make both of you happy. Otherwise, find someone else who can make you happy.
  • Sylvitryinghard
    Sylvitryinghard Posts: 549 Member
    ouch he "doesnt know what love means" I agree with the "many red flags"
    sorry but, move on and find someone who can show you actually how much he loves you and someone who is willing to compromise. Because it is all about compromises. It wont work without and he is not willing so Id say it sounds like the end of the road or not if you live with it....unhappy.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    Oh wow that sounds like a fairy tale (if you haven't noticed I am being sarcastic). You're with a man child who needs to grow up! I think he just likes to mooch off his parents and he likes it that way. Leave him because he won't ever change.
  • shell_mc
    shell_mc Posts: 109 Member
    Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that word loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.


    Uhhh....yeah. This.
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
    Hey, just thought I'd pop back in to give you all an update.

    I'm not one to give up on things that easily, so the many cries to dump him fell on deaf ears. ;) Anyway, the day after posting this, I was sitting at work feeling sad and p*ssed off about the situation, so I wrote him an email telling him that we'd be talking about it that evening and basically telling him that I wanted some straight answers and that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't love me.

    He came round later that night, sat next to me and poured his heart out. It turns out he DOES love me, but finds it difficult to say. I have no problem with this - I don't find it very easy to say either, but I pointed out to him that if he had merely answered with a yes when I asked him previously if he did, instead of his noncomittal 'I don't know what love means', I wouldn't have suffered 18 months of self-doubt. He apologised profusely for this. He then brought up the subject of moving in together and admitted that he kept putting off telling me that he wanted us to buy a place together. He told me that he was going to bring it up the previous weekend, talked himself out of it, then decided he'd bring it up at Christmas! I know he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, as organising anything over three weeks away freaks him out, but I know a lot of men like that.

    So, we are now looking for a place to buy together. I organised an appointment with a mortgage adviser and he definitely didn't seem like he wanted to run away, so things have definitely changed for the better.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Hey, just thought I'd pop back in to give you all an update.

    I'm not one to give up on things that easily, so the many cries to dump him fell on deaf ears. ;) Anyway, the day after posting this, I was sitting at work feeling sad and p*ssed off about the situation, so I wrote him an email telling him that we'd be talking about it that evening and basically telling him that I wanted some straight answers and that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't love me.

    He came round later that night, sat next to me and poured his heart out. It turns out he DOES love me, but finds it difficult to say. I have no problem with this - I don't find it very easy to say either, but I pointed out to him that if he had merely answered with a yes when I asked him previously if he did, instead of his noncomittal 'I don't know what love means', I wouldn't have suffered 18 months of self-doubt. He apologised profusely for this. He then brought up the subject of moving in together and admitted that he kept putting off telling me that he wanted us to buy a place together. He told me that he was going to bring it up the previous weekend, talked himself out of it, then decided he'd bring it up at Christmas! I know he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, as organising anything over three weeks away freaks him out, but I know a lot of men like that.

    So, we are now looking for a place to buy together. I organised an appointment with a mortgage adviser and he definitely didn't seem like he wanted to run away, so things have definitely changed for the better.

    So, you're BUYING a house with someone that wouldn't even tell you he loved you last week and still lives with his parents.


    Good luck on your journey. :flowerforyou:
  • Mia_RagazzaTosta
    Mia_RagazzaTosta Posts: 4,885 Member
    Hey, just thought I'd pop back in to give you all an update.

    I'm not one to give up on things that easily, so the many cries to dump him fell on deaf ears. ;) Anyway, the day after posting this, I was sitting at work feeling sad and p*ssed off about the situation, so I wrote him an email telling him that we'd be talking about it that evening and basically telling him that I wanted some straight answers and that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't love me.

    He came round later that night, sat next to me and poured his heart out. It turns out he DOES love me, but finds it difficult to say. I have no problem with this - I don't find it very easy to say either, but I pointed out to him that if he had merely answered with a yes when I asked him previously if he did, instead of his noncomittal 'I don't know what love means', I wouldn't have suffered 18 months of self-doubt. He apologised profusely for this. He then brought up the subject of moving in together and admitted that he kept putting off telling me that he wanted us to buy a place together. He told me that he was going to bring it up the previous weekend, talked himself out of it, then decided he'd bring it up at Christmas! I know he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, as organising anything over three weeks away freaks him out, but I know a lot of men like that.

    So, we are now looking for a place to buy together. I organised an appointment with a mortgage adviser and he definitely didn't seem like he wanted to run away, so things have definitely changed for the better.

    Congrats. You're giving him a free place to live.
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    Hey, just thought I'd pop back in to give you all an update.

    I'm not one to give up on things that easily, so the many cries to dump him fell on deaf ears. ;) Anyway, the day after posting this, I was sitting at work feeling sad and p*ssed off about the situation, so I wrote him an email telling him that we'd be talking about it that evening and basically telling him that I wanted some straight answers and that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't love me.

    He came round later that night, sat next to me and poured his heart out. It turns out he DOES love me, but finds it difficult to say. I have no problem with this - I don't find it very easy to say either, but I pointed out to him that if he had merely answered with a yes when I asked him previously if he did, instead of his noncomittal 'I don't know what love means', I wouldn't have suffered 18 months of self-doubt. He apologised profusely for this. He then brought up the subject of moving in together and admitted that he kept putting off telling me that he wanted us to buy a place together. He told me that he was going to bring it up the previous weekend, talked himself out of it, then decided he'd bring it up at Christmas! I know he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, as organising anything over three weeks away freaks him out, but I know a lot of men like that.

    So, we are now looking for a place to buy together. I organised an appointment with a mortgage adviser and he definitely didn't seem like he wanted to run away, so things have definitely changed for the better.

    I think you're dating my ex. He'll tell you just enough to keep you around so he can suck you dry. Love is blind. I think you need to have a serious talk with your family and close friends to see what they think. Our friends always know us better than we know ourselves.
  • IPAkiller
    IPAkiller Posts: 711 Member
    Hey, just thought I'd pop back in to give you all an update.

    I'm not one to give up on things that easily, so the many cries to dump him fell on deaf ears. ;) Anyway, the day after posting this, I was sitting at work feeling sad and p*ssed off about the situation, so I wrote him an email telling him that we'd be talking about it that evening and basically telling him that I wanted some straight answers and that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't love me.

    He came round later that night, sat next to me and poured his heart out. It turns out he DOES love me, but finds it difficult to say. I have no problem with this - I don't find it very easy to say either, but I pointed out to him that if he had merely answered with a yes when I asked him previously if he did, instead of his noncomittal 'I don't know what love means', I wouldn't have suffered 18 months of self-doubt. He apologised profusely for this. He then brought up the subject of moving in together and admitted that he kept putting off telling me that he wanted us to buy a place together. He told me that he was going to bring it up the previous weekend, talked himself out of it, then decided he'd bring it up at Christmas! I know he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, as organising anything over three weeks away freaks him out, but I know a lot of men like that.

    So, we are now looking for a place to buy together. I organised an appointment with a mortgage adviser and he definitely didn't seem like he wanted to run away, so things have definitely changed for the better.

    "Baby, my credit is horrible and only drags your's down. Why don't we keep my name off the mortgage, but still but a home we can barely afford with both our combined incomes?" Swami.jpg
  • wjstoj
    wjstoj Posts: 884 Member
    Now why couldn't I find a woman like this??
  • PlanetoftheAtheists
    PlanetoftheAtheists Posts: 112
    Anonymous op:

    window_licker.gif.html
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Uhm........ If he won't pay or do chores at his parents house, do you really think he will with you?

    What exactly are your requirements for a partner? Breathing?

    You're basically adopting a child. And he probably is being pressured by his parents TO LEAVE. They are breathing a sigh of relief that some sucker finally got their son out of their basement.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member

    "Baby, my credit is horrible and only drags your's down. Why don't we keep my name off the mortgage, but still but a home we can barely afford with both our combined incomes?" Swami.jpg


    Wait... you're not cool with that?






    We need to talk.
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
    Hey, just thought I'd pop back in to give you all an update.

    I'm not one to give up on things that easily, so the many cries to dump him fell on deaf ears. ;) Anyway, the day after posting this, I was sitting at work feeling sad and p*ssed off about the situation, so I wrote him an email telling him that we'd be talking about it that evening and basically telling him that I wanted some straight answers and that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't love me.

    He came round later that night, sat next to me and poured his heart out. It turns out he DOES love me, but finds it difficult to say. I have no problem with this - I don't find it very easy to say either, but I pointed out to him that if he had merely answered with a yes when I asked him previously if he did, instead of his noncomittal 'I don't know what love means', I wouldn't have suffered 18 months of self-doubt. He apologised profusely for this. He then brought up the subject of moving in together and admitted that he kept putting off telling me that he wanted us to buy a place together. He told me that he was going to bring it up the previous weekend, talked himself out of it, then decided he'd bring it up at Christmas! I know he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, as organising anything over three weeks away freaks him out, but I know a lot of men like that.

    So, we are now looking for a place to buy together. I organised an appointment with a mortgage adviser and he definitely didn't seem like he wanted to run away, so things have definitely changed for the better.

    the bad news is that you're making a mistake.

    the good news is that in the future, you'll look back on this and call it a learning experience.
  • PlanetoftheAtheists
    PlanetoftheAtheists Posts: 112
    It's a good thing you kept your identity anonymous!!
    window-licker-kawaii-o.gif
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    It's a good thing you kept your identity anonymous!!
    window-licker-kawaii-o.gif

    This is mesmerizing.
  • IPAkiller
    IPAkiller Posts: 711 Member

    "Baby, my credit is horrible and only drags your's down. Why don't we keep my name off the mortgage, but still but a home we can barely afford with both our combined incomes?" Swami.jpg
    Wait... you're not cool with that?
    We need to talk.
    Oh were good. I have already begun preparing you "room".
    BuffaloBill.gif
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    I work in mortgage. THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA.

    you are still the adult in this relationship (who's making the appointments with the lender even though it was HIS idea to buy a house?), and adults take responsibility. are you ready to take on a mortgage by yourself if this fails?
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