Self Hate -- Weekend Rant

Okay ...I need to say this to someone! So this guy J that I really like invited me to watch football! I am a football freak and my team was playing his. I was so excited picked out my outfit for 20 minutes! Right before I was about to leave he said he was bringing his friend D. I instantly did not want to go; I don’t like women and women typically don’t like me. When I got there to my dismay she was 120 lbs. (wet), in 6 inch heels, flowing hair, mani pedi, and fake lashes. I was just like WTF. She’s a party promoter, model, and actress.

Even though I have been working really hard on losing weight, and I feel like I look good, I got really insecure. I thought that I looked cute when I left the house ... with this weight loss my clothes are looking a little baggier and not as cute as I would like it to be. She was nice but I was steaming.

They even ate before they got there; I didn’t so I was starving!!!! That annoyed me that I was the big girl at the table and everyone would be watching me eat. I didn’t plan what I was going to eat, fail one, and then I just decided to order what I wanted, fail two. I scarfed down buffalo mini burgers and sweet potato fries with extra ranch and sour cream! We had 6 shots and a beer on top of that … GEEZ...

A 2700 calorie meal!!!!!

I also found myself really talking negatively about myself. Saying things like “oh my big *kitten* you know I have to eat it all”, and “big girls got to eat”. I was embarrassed. After I ate the ENTIRE thing (over a 4 hour time span) D said “damn you ate the whole thing, I couldn’t have done that”. OMG I felt even worse!

She stated that she wanted to lose weight because her jeans (I am SURE a size 2) were tight on her … I try really hard not to be judgmental about people’s weight loss goals. Everyone is at a different spot and see themselves differently. I have a tiny friend that wants to lose weight and I support her, BUT THIS GIRL WAS COMPETITION and I was in no mood! She started to poke at her stomach. I said “lose weight where”. I then tussled with my GIANT belly fat. I felt horrible; the worst part was that I WAS THE ONE MAKING MYSELF FELL WORSE. I have always talked down about myself even as a child. I do it in the hopes that if I poke fun at myself other wont or it won’t hurt as much when they do. I was talking so badly about myself in front of J and D; it wasn’t a good look at all.

She added me on Instagram and of course her pictures were flawless … everywhere we went in the restaurant people were staring her down!

Eventually more people came including a guy that J’s sister wanted me to talk to, named T. T walked in and said hello to me, then to D said “OMG you are absolutely beautiful”. Then (after I am sure I made a stank face at him) he said, well all of you are beautiful. I was like REALLY?!?!? What am I chopped liver??!!? (is said that to D).

Moral of the story, even if J would have been interested I talked myself out of it. When I am home or at work I feel GREAT about my weight loss! I can see things looking better, fitting better, and really loving myself!! But this weekend I was all about the self-hate. I called a friend (inebriated) and whined about wanting to be smaller and to be more attractive. The thing I said I wanted wasn’t showing in how I acted towards my body, by the things that I said about myself (out loud and in my head), and the food that I put in my body as well.

I think it’s really hard to go out and stay on track. Not only that, I need to say better things about and to myself. I read on a post and watched in a documentary that a lot of this weight loss journey is about the mind and that’s something I need to work on. I want to be happier with myself no matter who is around. Everyone I met was great and I am sure I will see them again, my team won the football game, and I had a good time. I really ruined it by thinking too much and doing so much self-hate.

I just felt that I wanted to vent and post this. Thanks for reading.
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Replies

  • brandycochran
    brandycochran Posts: 11 Member
    Hello! I understand where you are coming from...I have always been the 'bigger girl' when it comes to my group of friends and my defense mechanism (which you admit may be yours too) is that you just joke about the obvious so others won't feel bad for thinking what you're feeling because chances are no one (unless they are rude and just not nice) would ever say anything derogatory to you about your appearance/let alone weight.
    When I was in therapy for a life-event totally unrelated to weight, my therapist told me that every time I put myself down with ONE negative thought - I had to counter it with THREE positive thoughts - no matter how small. And, believe it or not, it worked/works! I put myself down for one reason or another and I stop.....think about something GOOD and feel better in a matter of minutes. It sounds silly but it does....bring to light the good things about you (and I'm sure there are many!) just as easily as you can the 'bad' things....not sure if this helps but just know you are not alone. Everyone does it (even the skinny folks) - we should be nicer to ourselves!:smile:
  • you say you don't like women, and you say they don't like you. why is that? you're a woman, don't you like yourself? it doesn't sound like it to me, going by what you wrote. the other women in your story here weren't awful to you, they did nothing to you other than compliment each other. and yeah, I get that it can be a pain in the buns to listen to a svelte size 2 person go on about how they need to lose weight, or an attractive person go on about how ugly they are/feel, but sometimes that just happens. do you feel you have to be the center of attention, or that others [other women in particular] are better than you, or more attractive, or constantly competing with you? that sounds self-sabotaging to me, like you've already made up your mind about a lot of things and that's that, you know? and on top of that, its unfair to yourself and it isn't even true!

    we always compare ourselves to others, and some of us can be especially harsh--even brutal--in those comparisons, which is what I think you're doing here. you're being entirely too hard on yourself, and then you're punishing yourself for it by going overboard with food and your own comments about yourself and your food intake.

    J likes you, that's pretty obvious if he invited you along to watch football. I think you need to work on your own self esteem and look for reasons why you feel the way you do. and imo, going by your pic there, you're gorgeous [heh, i'd be intimidated by you], and have nothing to worry about in that department. good luck to you!
  • TheGymGypsy
    TheGymGypsy Posts: 1,099 Member
    I know that feeling... When I feel like a woman is competition for me I usually throw in the towel immediately and start picking myself apart. It's a habit that I'm trying to break, because it's not healthy to compare yourself to others constantly and shame yourself.
  • abbylbrown23
    abbylbrown23 Posts: 344 Member
    So sorry to hear about that good/bad night :( I have been there and its hard because as women we are hard on ourselves, and as women with meat on our bones we are even more hard on ourselves.

    Noticing how hard you were on yourself is a step towards the right direction :) I can tell by your pictures you are a beautiful woman, when you let that shine people will notice! I love the quote "don't allow others to dim your light simply because you are shining it in their eyes"

    That is a great idea Brandy, for every negative thought come back with 3 positive. I am going to have to use that.
  • angie007az
    angie007az Posts: 406 Member
    I feel so bad for you. But... you know what not to do next time. Right?
  • enidite
    enidite Posts: 93 Member
    Despite of what our society says the number on the scale does not make you more or less valuable.
    I know that it is sometimes very difficult to love yourself, I struggle with it every day, but I believe that if you don't learn to love and accept yourself it might be very difficult to sustain your weight loss in the long run.
    For me, there is a lot more behind the extra weight that I have put on over the years. It has been a protective shield against the world so to speak and uncovering the truth about why I chose to stay overweight and why I berate and belittle myself and constantly feel inferior because of my weight has been a hard and painful journey. That being said I truly believe that if we don't learn to love ourselves chances are that other people will notice this and treat us accordingly.
    Why for example do you think that everyone would watch what you eat? People really don't care as much as we think . They are way too busy with themselves. And even when you reach your goal weight, there will be always someone who is prettier, smarter , richer or whatever than you are. But that does not mean that you are less attractive or less valuable than that person. You are a unique and special person with special gifts and abilities, you look beautiful from what I see in your picture and others think so too. There are many people that look absolutely stunning and are absolutely ugly because of what they hold in their hearts and because of how they treat others.
    Don't say things to yourself that you would never say to a friend. You are worth just as much as everyone. You are in no way inferior because you are at a different weight than someone else.
  • pinkyslippers
    pinkyslippers Posts: 188 Member
    I admire your honesty and I can relate. What's the famous saying - 'comparison is the thief of joy'? You are very beautiful. We can treat ourselves so much worse than we ever would to another person. I haven't really got anything to say except :flowerforyou:
  • VelveteenArabian
    VelveteenArabian Posts: 758 Member
    Tough love coming.


    The most unattractive thing you have going on is your attitude. You may not be at the point to love yourself but don't kick yourself down either.

    Why would you want to compete with that girl over this guy? Why would you want a guy that would set you up in some lame *kitten* game like that? I guarantee you: he's not that awesome. No one is.

    Assuming that he really did invite her over for you two to "compete" over him. He probably just invited her to invite her or to maybe make sure it wasn't a "date".
  • juicygurl1
    juicygurl1 Posts: 195 Member
    I've been in similar situations so I understand how difficult it can be, especially around people who send off negative vibes. Just keep in mind there some feathers don't mix well on some birds. I don't believe you dislike women you might be a bit jealous of certain ones. Don't let "looks" intimidate you they are just looks. we all come in various shapes and sizes, with that we all have different issues. some of those females you envy may actually envy you. believe it or not some of the most desired appearances carry deep rooted issues. Love your self big or small from you photo I think your beautiful! :flowerforyou:
  • Kennedyjules84
    Kennedyjules84 Posts: 4 Member
    The next time you find yourself in that situation, repeat over and over inside your head: "men love women with curves." That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep striving toward your goal of losing weight to feel healthier, but in the types of very vulnerable social situations that you just described, you must remember this mantra. It is a mantra that will make you feel better and more confidant while you are enduring the evening, which will in turn make you look more attractive to others. And....it's true.
  • oklagirl
    oklagirl Posts: 24 Member
    Thank you for posting this. I tend to do alot of this myself at times. I don't see how far I've come and how much better I feel. I still seem to be saying some of the same things to myself. So I'm glad you posted this it makes me realize how much this journey is about the mentality we have thru it. Thank you again, very relatable and inspiring!!
  • suuta
    suuta Posts: 23 Member
    I never go out without eating. The worse thing is to go to the grocery store or out with friends and be hungry. My thing was being at the grocery store and buying the wrong foods because I got cravings (cause I was hungry)

    But I know exactly how you feel. I had a bad experience in school a while ago and since then I have a hard time believing that a guy can be interested in me. Once time this guy, M, asked me out. I knew the people he hung out with, most of them were jerks who picked on me. He also had some amazingly hot girls who hung around him a lot so I couldn't believe he was interested in me. I thought it was some cruel joke (I'd had that and worse happen before) So I told him off.

    Turns out he was legit. The hot girls were his sister's friends and the jerks he hung with were always trying to hit on them.

    We are human, we are imperfect. Just do the best you can and don't be too hard on yourself when you fall short. Just learn and do a better next time.

    Remember we're pulling for you. We're all in this together (to quote Red Green)
  • mthr2
    mthr2 Posts: 158 Member
    There will always be someone prettier, slimmer, smarter, funnier, richer, nicer, cooler, etc. etc. etc. The trick is to try and not compete...just enjoy your time out with your friends. Life is short and one day you will be old. You are every bit as good as the other girl....and exceptionally pretty too, by the way.
  • 33Freya
    33Freya Posts: 468 Member
    You need to cut the negative self-talk and treat yourself like you would treat your dearest friend. What would you tell a friend in your situation? Apply that to yourself. Also I recommend you work on your self-esteem. You can do this through reading books or through counseling, getting a life coach, etc.

    You are beautiful, and a goddess all your own, independent of any other goddesses. Rock what you have, because you are enough, and beyond comparison to others. You deserve every good thing in life, and despite set backs, you can go for what you want.

    Adapted from the book, “What every Successful Person Knows!” by Carl Casanova

    Twenty Success Tips for Sound Self-Esteem:
    1. I accept faith over fear.
    2. I make decisions wisely and willingly accept the consequences.
    3. I set and achieve goals according to who I am and what I value.
    4. I allow myself the freedom to make mistakes, learn, and grow.
    5. I train my mind by reading, attending classes, and studying to improve myself.
    6. I choose healthy relationships and set clear boundaries.
    7. I do not procrastinate or drift; I motivate myself in line with my chosen outcome.
    8. I do not allow personal comparisons to affect my self-worth.
    9. I choose my occupation, lifestyle and living environment.
    10. I am authentic and true to my word.
    11. I do not lower myself on account of other's wealth or status.
    12. I do not let people speak or treat me disrespectfully.
    13. I envision myself living a long, loving, and productive life.
    14. I face reality honestly and let go of what I cannot change or control.
    15. I keep myself fit, well-groomed, and present myself appropriately.
    16. I play; I have fun, and I have a variety of hobbies and interests.
    17. I do not deny my needs, feelings, and opinions to please others.
    18. I have an orderly home.
    19. I share my love with family and friends and allow myself to receive.
    20. I am enough.
  • _zombiegirl_
    _zombiegirl_ Posts: 79 Member
    Sorry to hear your weekend went less than great... I've been where you were before. Mindset really IS a lot of this battle, especially (I guess I can't legitimately say 'especially,' I only know from my own experience) if you've been big all your life and have been programmed by yourself and those around you that you are less than anyone else. It's hard to look in the mirror and find something you like, REALLY hard to stop comparing yourself to others. But you're so much happier if you can look at yourself in a positive light and get over that comparison thing! And you don't know that Miss Size 2 wasn't sizing you up when you walked in, too, wishing she had something you did. Thinner doesn't always mean more confident.

    You were real about what happened this weekend, that's a big thing! So just hold your head up, learn from it, and move on. :flowerforyou:
  • sjohnny
    sjohnny Posts: 56,142 Member
    Perhaps if you put up some pictures of D we could let you know if you really need to worry about her as competition.
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,745 Member
    :noway:
  • ThickMcRunFast
    ThickMcRunFast Posts: 22,511 Member
    I'm sorry you had a bad weekend, but honestly, your problems have nothing to do with that other girl. I would be incredibly uncomfortable if I was hanging out with a male friend, and the other girl he brought along got drunk and continuously made disparaging comments about herself. I might even start talking about losing weight myself to try to put her at ease. Then I would tell my friend not to date her because she came off as a crazy person.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,408 Member
    Perhaps if you put up some pictures of D we could let you know if you really need to worry about her as competition.

    Agreed. I'm betting that since J invited you to the game first, that he's more interested in you than D. But if we could C the pics on her instagram account we could B sure. What's her instagram name? Heck, what's yours?

    I'm @jofjiltn on instagram.
  • You need to remember this. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What is drop dead beautiful to one person is unattractive to another. She is to skinny, to heavy, her eyes are funny, they are perfect. The old adage different strokes for different folks is so true. While you found D perfect and beautiful others may not care for her for a variety of reasons. If you spend the whole time putting yourself down how can you expect others to appreciate any quality you have. If you don't respect yourself no one else will either.