Can husband motivate wife to lose lbs w/o being a jerk?

Actually - yes. From the wife whose husband has done exactly that.

He told me, "I know we both have our health and weight problems. And I want us to grow old together and still be healthy enough to enjoy each other. I want to be around for you, and I want you to be around for me." Then he looked at my tummy and smiled. "Though I'd rather you not be 'round' for me." Then he looked at his OWN stomach and smiled bigger. "Okay, maybe that was a bit hypocritical."

I laughed at him. But I started trying to improve things a month ago; so did he.

I'm 39, he's 48. Married 11 years.

So yes, it can be done without being a jerk.

It is touchy, depending on so many things...I think focusing on what you can do to INSPIRE change without suggesting it would be key. You say you can eat 2500 cal a day or something to that effect - are you keeping bad foods around the house that she can't say no to? If you can get away with it, but she can't, it may be time to make that sacrifice to make it a more success-friendly environment for her. My husband started MFP on his own a few months before I did, and to his credit he did not say a thing about my weight or eating habits or anything to make me feel any pressure to join him. Because there was not this cloud of judgement or agenda, I was able to find my own way there without questioning what he was really doing or thinking. We are both happy for each other in our successes so far, and finding more active things to do together, too. Please stop comparing her to others, and be patient that she will come to the decision on her own.

No

Good answer!! The motivation has to come from within - she has to want it - end of story.

Seriously.
Whatever you say, you'll be wanting to unsay, and you'll never be able to.

Incorporate more physical activity in to your lives. That way when you're both old and saggy, you'll have something healthy to do together and perhaps you'll still be able to.

I basically agree with this.

My ex husband once told me he loved my body except for the pudgy area on my hips. He said that was my only flaw. It definitely was/is not my "only flaw", however, that made me feel very unattractive to him, and you can bet I didn't even really want him to even see my bare hips much after that...even though he was obese himself with a gigantic gut. About 8 years after that, we wound up divorcing. Although of course that was not the only issue!

I think leading by example is really your only option. JMHO.

My husband (new husband) struggled with obesity when he was young. He got fit and healthy way before meeting me. He was attracted to me at 270 lb, and he's attracted to me at 213 lb. Obviously I'm still obese unlike your wife. But my point is: He was the #1 reason I changed, and continue to. And it certainly wasn't through criticism or pointed comments or outright asking me to be more active and eat healthier/eat less. It was through his example, and lots of positive attention on my figure which in turn made me feel more positive and motivated to keep up and improve.

Most women and some guys will find this offensive, but most guys want their wives to be slim. Most guys will be okay when their wives or girlfriends gain a few pounds, but there is a threshold. This will vary from guy to guy. Women will say, "He should just love me for who I am." Okay, I love you for who you are, but when you become obese I cannot love you because you do not respect yourself or your life. By becoming obese you are putting your health in danger. You are stigmatizing yourself, etc. etc. From my perspective, you embarrass me in public, you have disappointed me, you are no longer sexy to me.) Have some empathy for me (how do you think it makes me feel to come home to a fat wife; to have to live with someone who does not respect herself; to a wife I do not want to be seen in public with; who looks like she is pregnant; you have trapped me because I have children with you and I can't divorce you because of the impact on the children.) This creates anger and resentment. No? I would like to hear honest answers from men, not from the guy who has a wife with a few extra pounds, but from the guys who married a woman who has become obese.

this is weird because i made a post asking how i could get my boyfriend to lose weight and nobody said i was doing any wrong.

If its not wrong to ask your man to lose weight, why is it wrong to ask your woman?

Women and men think differently and get sensitive about different things. Women don't like to tell people their weight - men don't care. Just one example.

This is an old post...but NO....a person has to want to make changes. You can't force someone.

It sounds like she is already doing the best she can. Honestly, 30 lbs over 20 yrs is not that bad as far as gaining goes. I've watched all my high school friends pack on over 50 lbs in the past 15 yrs. w/o having kids. They are still very pretty and far from obese. From what I can see, they haven't all went crazy and started eating brownies and pizzas by the dozen. I think it's just the processed/restaurant food, glasses of wine, white rice and bread, and the fact that they didn't watch closely and scale back once they gained small amounts of weight. Be glad this didn't happen with your wife. (Full disclosure: I've been overweight since pre-school and have been watching my weight or diet since about 17. I'm currently 5 lbs over my high school weight. I don't judge women for failing to notice when they gain a little weight, I notice because weight management has always been part of my life).

People have different bodies - her weight gain could be more hormonal than a lifestyle issue as she already works out five days a week. Some women don't put on weight in menopause or their metabolism doesn't slow much as they age but this just isn't true for everyone.

I don't know what you guys eat, but laying off processed food and high glycemic index carbs can only help. With her current activity level, I don't think you should say anything. I also don't agree with the "let's go for a walk after dinner" type of comment b/c I don't think it's subtle at all. We all know that means "you're getting fat."

What IS or COULD BE subtle is suddenly developing a love for a local organic farm share or a zest to try new recipes or make lunch on Sunday for the whole work week or something like that. And to help yourself, please try to stop looking at the ladies your wife's age with the hot bodies. There's nothing wrong with checking out the opposite sex, but from what you write it sounds like your gazing is effecting your desire for your wife.

Most women and some guys will find this offensive, but most guys want their wives to be slim. Most guys will be okay when their wives or girlfriends gain a few pounds, but there is a threshold. This will vary from guy to guy. Women will say, "He should just love me for who I am." Okay, I love you for who you are, but when you become obese I cannot love you because you do not respect yourself or your life. By becoming obese you are putting your health in danger. You are stigmatizing yourself, etc. etc. From my perspective, you embarrass me in public, you have disappointed me, you are no longer sexy to me.) Have some empathy for me (how do you think it makes me feel to come home to a fat wife; to have to live with someone who does not respect herself; to a wife I do not want to be seen in public with; who looks like she is pregnant; you have trapped me because I have children with you and I can't divorce you because of the impact on the children.) This creates anger and resentment. No? I would like to hear honest answers from men, not from the guy who has a wife with a few extra pounds, but from the guys who married a woman who has become obese.

I'm also interested in hearing those responses! (Guys, you may want to sign up for a fake MFP account to do this!)

When I was growing up as the only daughter of a woman of the 40s and 50s (who I might add kept herself impeccably) my dear mum used to say "Don't ever let yourself go. It is easier for a woman to have a husband who is a bit heavier than it is for a man to have a heavy wife." My dear mum has been gone for years-but I still hear that advice in my head, and as she was married for 40+ years to a man who appreciated her self-control and respect for herself, I think she may have been on to something.

Necro post, but here is my take on it:

It sounds like the OP was comparing his wife's body after having three kids/being married forever/probably passing 40 to a totally different body type. Everyone carries weight differently, and it sounds like his wife is someone who is a little more pear-shaped. Having three kids probably didn't help her lower abdomen, and there probably isn't much she can do about that, especially after 40. He made it sound like they had kids later in life, and skin doesn't have the same elasticity when you are in your mid-late 30's as it does when you are in your 20's, so his comparison to other women who have had kids is moot.

His wife is probably aware of her body, and it sounds like she works out a pretty decent amount. It sounds like the OP is expecting perfection — someone who is perfectly fit, runs a perfect home, and does it all without ever showing any strain. That isn't always possible, and it is unfair for him to put that pressure on his wife. My question is this: Would his "ideal" woman actually date or marry him?

I'm pretty secure in myself, but I know that if my fiance said something about my stomach/love handles (my personal problem areas) and asked me why I couldn't look like person X (someone who he has decided has the same problems I do but manages them far better) I would probably tell him to marry that person. I am at a healthy weight, and I know that I'm probably never going to have a body that looks pre-airbrushed. I'm okay with that as long as I'm healthy, and I want my partner to feel similarly.

I agree with these 3 posts and men really start think like that when they hit midlife crisis age. Then the women wake up. But if they communicated to each other, they would have resolved the true problems of their relationship and have a better understanding of themselves.

Sadly, in a lot of women's minds, nope. They can't help it. Most times, they are already feeling insecure and the one man that's supposed to love them unconditionally is bringing up something that they already feel bad about. This is how it's perceived by them. I saw a commenter earlier in this post say that you shouldn't compare your wife to other women. This happens in all men's heads and there's no way around it. Most are just smart enough not to say it out loud. It doesn't mean you want other women but you start to wonder if they can do it, why can't she? Doesn't mean you're a jerk, it's natural to feel that way. Anywho, start being healthy yourself, dressing nicer, caring about your own health and well-being and most times, she will jump on board. If you're working out, hiking, or whatever activity you choose, ask her if she'd like to join you but don't make it about exercising, make it about being with her and she may oblige.

My boyfriend brought it up in a way of saying that he was concerned for my health. After we talked about it I had decided that he's right and I need to do it for myself if not the want to be there for my family.

Wow. You guys make me so happy I'm divorced. Even my jerk of a husband didn't make me deal with this self-absorbed, whining, superficial garbage. If the way your wife looks is so important to you, tell her you aren't attracted to her moderately chubby body anymore and go call an divorce attorney because YOU DON'T DESERVE HER. Keep the attorney on speed dial so you can 'trade-up' every 15 years when you get bored with the new model.

:laugh: :laugh:

To expect both women and me to be perfectly svelte and toned in the their 40s is .............asking too much! I don't know if you realise this but losing fat gets a LOT harder after age 40. Fact. It has nothing to do with being lazy or greedy, but everything to do with hormones, hence why the OPs wife is active, but still packing a few extra pounds.

I think the OP is having a mid life crisis and doesn't want accept that they are getting older. I actually love my b/fs love handles and whilst he is still fit and healthy, a few extra pounds dont even enter my head when I'm touching him. I suggest the OP gets real!!

Wow. You guys make me so happy I'm divorced. Even my jerk of a husband didn't make me deal with this self-absorbed, whining, superficial garbage. If the way your wife looks is so important to you, tell her you aren't attracted to her moderately chubby body anymore and go call an divorce attorney because YOU DON'T DESERVE HER. Keep the attorney on speed dial so you can 'trade-up' every 15 years when you get bored with the new model.

I know he hurt you bad, but it's okay, not all men are pigs. :flowerforyou:
Calm your breastesses.

It's been my experience that the journey to 'fit' or 'ripped' or whatever is a personal one.

The best advice I can give is this: Turn your eyes from her to you. What personal choices could you be making that would contribute to the overall health and fitness of the household? Sure, you can eat 2500 calorie meals and not gain weight ... but can you ask for meal changes that would create healthy eating options for everyone. Not "hey, hun, lets diet" but rather "hey, I'd like to try eating more vegetables, would you mind if we tried having more of them at dinner for a week". Gradually request an overall healthy meal plan for YOU.

Have you thought about trying a workout from home?... if you're fit, it can't possibly hurt you to add in a bit more activity. Get some DVDs, and go out on a limb and get the 'girly' ones ... you know what I'm talking about, Jillian Michaels, Les Mills Combat, TurboFire. Dudes can do them too, it won't kill you, I promise. Make a 30 day program and every day pop that dvd in and workout. Do it right in the middle of the living room. Tell her she's welcome to join you. Do not request that she join you.

Make your home some place where it is normal to make healthy eating choices and to make space and time to get a great workout in.

That way ... when SHE is ready to begin her journey, she can do it in a safe and loving environment, where there are healthy eating options and she doesn't have to be embarrassed to flail around the living room with sweat dripping off her ... 'cause, well, popping in a dvd and bustin' *kitten* to workout is a common occurrence in your house.

*edit* damnit with the zombie thread ... going to leave this here anyway, lol