Can you forgive a cheater?

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  • pain_is_weakness
    pain_is_weakness Posts: 798 Member
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    I have, and no he never cheated again but honestly I would never put myself through that again. Constantly worrying if he is or was, too much stress and a waste of my time when i could be with someone who worships me, or at least enough to be faithful. My advice is that no the relationship is never ever the same, so don't even try, do something better with your time and energy
  • MeGustaxBm
    MeGustaxBm Posts: 16 Member
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    Nope. Never. Not even once.

    If someone cheats on you, there can be no honesty. Without honesty, there can be no trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

    Honestly, that's the best way of putting it.
    Without a single doubt, I could never forgive someone regardless of how I feel towards them or how long we've been together.

    It is an unforgivable act.

    Maybe but wouldn't the act make you sit back and think "Hmmm. What drove my SO to actually do something like that?"

    Not in the least. That's what break-ups/divorces are for.
    If you're not content with what you have and betraying your SO for it is your solution, then you have no place in that person's life.
  • DanielCraigwannabe
    DanielCraigwannabe Posts: 28
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    Been on both sides.

    Just break up.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
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    There is a huge difference between forgiving and condoning/allowing it to happen/continuing/not severing a relationship/seeking perpetual revenge.

    I could forgive a murderer for his crime. Does it mean I think the murderer shouldn't face the consequences of his actions? No, of course not.

    There are always consequences, even when the other person forgives. You can get forgiveness from someone who walks away from a relationship forever. You just don't get the benefits of that relationship.

    Make sense? For me "forgiveness" means not continuing to take revenge on someone. I can walk away with a clean conscience if I forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean being stepped on while continuing a relationship. It doesn't even mean staying in a relationship and moving forward. Those things are entirely different animals.
  • just_Jennie1
    just_Jennie1 Posts: 1,233
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    Nope. Never. Not even once.

    If someone cheats on you, there can be no honesty. Without honesty, there can be no trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

    Honestly, that's the best way of putting it.
    Without a single doubt, I could never forgive someone regardless of how I feel towards them or how long we've been together.

    It is an unforgivable act.

    Maybe but wouldn't the act make you sit back and think "Hmmm. What drove my SO to actually do something like that?"

    Not in the least. That's what break-ups/divorces are for.
    If you're not content with what you have and betraying your SO for it is your solution, then you have no place in that person's life.

    Really? You wouldn't once sit back and look at the relationship and wonder what you did to drive the other person away and to another? If you don't evaluate the situation and your part in what happened to drive your SO to someone else then you're only going to fall into the same pattern with another partner.
  • Jjsharry
    Jjsharry Posts: 76 Member
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    Nope. Never. Not even once.

    If someone cheats on you, there can be no honesty. Without honesty, there can be no trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

    Honestly, that's the best way of putting it.
    Without a single doubt, I could never forgive someone regardless of how I feel towards them or how long we've been together.

    It is an unforgivable act.

    Maybe but wouldn't the act make you sit back and think "Hmmm. What drove my SO to actually do something like that?"


    IMHO, it's nearly always good to look back and work out why it all went wrong, after all, it's rarely all the fault of a single person. However, it would still be over, even if someone I loved cheated on me, because NOBODY is driven to cheat. Your partner can drive you to distraction, drive you to say 'buck up or its over', or drive you to just walk away because you know they are unreasonable and trying to sort things out is not realistic.

    But, nobody is driven to cheat. It is a choice ~ in reality, a choice that means that you think very little of the relationship you are in. So end it.

    But nobody is forced to cheat.
  • ScorpionQwean
    ScorpionQwean Posts: 1,016 Member
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    I'm dealing with this situation now. He cheated on me w/ someone at work for a whole year. Little did I know I was staring her in the eyes everytime a group of them left work together. It was so bad. Now, he has another job and I am dealing with the same crap. I see him holding doors for these women, laughing when he walks out with 1 or 2 of them and it's a HUGE STRAIN. We constantly are fighting about it because I do NOT trust him.

    I did forgive him the first time, but I canNOT forget. Everytime I "try" to talk to him about it, he points the finger at me and switches it up. I told him just recently, after 3.5 years together that we should just "be friends"... He will NOT let that happen.

    And, he lives directly across the street from me. Please don't tell me to move, I have 2 kids and only my income. It's VERY hard to just up and move a family.
  • HistoricallyThinking
    HistoricallyThinking Posts: 101
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    My ex-wife cheated. I forgave her. She cheated again. I forgave her. She continued to cheat. I learned my lesson. I kicked her cheating self out….then forgave her. Forgiveness is one thing…staying together and trusting is something entirely different.
  • MeGustaxBm
    MeGustaxBm Posts: 16 Member
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    Nope. Never. Not even once.

    If someone cheats on you, there can be no honesty. Without honesty, there can be no trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

    Honestly, that's the best way of putting it.
    Without a single doubt, I could never forgive someone regardless of how I feel towards them or how long we've been together.

    It is an unforgivable act.

    Maybe but wouldn't the act make you sit back and think "Hmmm. What drove my SO to actually do something like that?"

    Not in the least. That's what break-ups/divorces are for.
    If you're not content with what you have and betraying your SO for it is your solution, then you have no place in that person's life.

    Really? You wouldn't once sit back and look at the relationship and wonder what you did to drive the other person away and to another? If you don't evaluate the situation and your part in what happened to drive your SO to someone else then you're only going to fall into the same pattern with another partner.

    That's what communication is for. Why should I ponder their reasons if they won't talk?
    In all honesty, why should I even care for their reasons, right?

    I'm a caring person, I compliment my girlfriend daily, I remind her of how amazing she is the moment she feels worse than usual.
    I've been with her for over half a year. I evaluate my relationship quite often, so I know that without a doubt, the cheating could not occur due to reasons on my behalf.

    If she did cheat on me, for any reason, it would be a reason of her own, completely un-relating to my actions.
    At that point, she would be immediately dead to me, regardless of reasons or excuses.

    To stoop so low instead of communicating with your SO as a means of feeling better is the stupidest most primitive thing any human can do.

    If you need to depend so much on others rather than yourself, you are not worthy of even being looked at twice and should steer far from relationships.
  • M5jdu009
    M5jdu009 Posts: 5 Member
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    My motto: Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it sure changes the future!

    Yes, I have forgiven cheating... No, I don't hold any resentment. However, the dynamics of our relationship have changed significantly. I have zero tolerance for even the smallest lie or omission.

    Now, I have to say, had it been any other man but this one, I would not have stayed in the relationship. But, that's the thing... every situation is different. Some people are worth the heartache, hard work, and commitment. Some people aren't.

    Love this! My fiance and I hit a rough patch about 2 years ago. After the first few months of our relationship, he started texting a girl he hooked up with once before we started dating. I found out about 6 months into his texting relationship while I was playing on his phone. He was sick, and I woke him up out of bed to fuss at him. After a few weeks of emotional hell, we were able to work through everything and we'll be getting married in June.

    Every situation is different, and the night I found out, I really thought we were about to break up. I have to chalk his behavior up to being a 20-something year old guy. Every previous relationship had ended because either he or whoever he was with cheated. He was looking for a back-up plan in case I ever broke up with him. Some people cheat (okay, technically there was no physical cheating--just emotional, which might be worse) out of fear, and out of being young and being stupid. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

    Since then, not only has our relationship gotten stronger, but we trust each other more. We talk to each other more, not run off to talk to someone else. We've both grown up, and I'm so glad I didn't throw away what we have over some stupid text messages. Yeah, they hurt, and thinking about them still hurts, but where a much stronger and more mature couple now.

    It really depends on the people and the situation.
  • Lesa_Sass
    Lesa_Sass Posts: 2,213 Member
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    Nope. Never. Not even once.

    If someone cheats on you, there can be no honesty. Without honesty, there can be no trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

    Honestly, that's the best way of putting it.
    Without a single doubt, I could never forgive someone regardless of how I feel towards them or how long we've been together.

    It is an unforgivable act.

    Maybe but wouldn't the act make you sit back and think "Hmmm. What drove my SO to actually do something like that?"

    Every time I cheated no one "drove" me to do anything. I was treated like a princess and adored and treated wonderful by these men, simple fact of the matter is, I did not love them the way I should have. In one particular case, it was easier to cheat than to break up with him, I was a selfish witch that could not bare to feel bad because I hurt him, so I allowed a relationship that I was not happy in to go on.

    My husband has made me more furious than any other person alive before. There have been times that I could honestly have hurt him if I were the violent type, but not once during any of the 15 years we have been together has cheating been thought of. So I do not buy the whole "look what you made me do" crap.

    Again I state, when you are with the right person for you, you do not want to cheat, period, no matter what they do to tick you off.
  • Erin_goBrahScience
    Erin_goBrahScience Posts: 1,215 Member
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    So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?


    My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.

    WTF is "drunk cheating"?

    If you d**k goes into another orifice or you accept something into your parts...its cheating. There is no curve.

    And personally I think you could forgive and move on but its really hard and generally only works with people who have been together for decades and have children together.
  • BekaBooluvsu
    BekaBooluvsu Posts: 470 Member
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    Yes but I would still break up with them. I am very giving in the intimate part of my life so if they go elsewhere they are gone.
  • _Waffle_
    _Waffle_ Posts: 13,049 Member
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    So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?

    Which one did you do? Drunken or sober?
  • Erica262
    Erica262 Posts: 226 Member
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    Long story short, cheaters do not cheat on people they truly want to be with and love with all their heart.

    ^^^ this. A million times this.

    There is a reason that people cheat. It is obvious that there is something missing in the relationship or the love is just over for one partner and they're fulfilling a need elsewhere.

    No one can know why someone cheats nor should they be judged for it.

    Exactly. I could never be with anyone besides my husband. But in previous relationships, I didn't always feel like that.
  • Eleonora91
    Eleonora91 Posts: 688 Member
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    I don't think I could ever forgive someone for cheating on me. Especially because he's not "someone", he's my man, he's the one I love, he's the one that was never obliged to love me, but still did. You can be betrayed by anyone, but I think that you can never part real love from trust and reciprocity.
    If he actually cheated on me, it would mean that, even if just for a single moment, I've been replaceable. That might have been a kiss, a promise to someone else, some physical touching, whatever, but for how long it lasted, I had been forgotten. And if you can be with someone else and forget about your loved one, why being together at all then?
    This doesn't necessarily mean that they have to be your whole world. You can have lots of friends, you can go out with them, or even like to spend a lot of time alone, but regarding your love, if you gave it to someone, I don't think you can give it to someone else.
    I guess some people act impulsively and don't think much before doing such things. But we can't use our brain all the time, can we? Sometimes we've got to use our hearts. And honestly my heart leads me to him, so I don't really see why you should cheat on someone if you really love him/her.
    Nevertheless I don't think I'd be able to leave him anyway. If he cheated on me it would be clear that he doesn't love me as much as he likes to say, but it's too hard to let go someone you've loved so much, especially if they're willing to stay together.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,837 Member
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    i can say that, in my life, every situation is different and until you are faced with it you can't really say how everything will unfold.

    It is not true that once a cheater, always a cheater either.

    As for forgiving, it has nothing to do with forgetting. Forgiving is about taking on the burden for the rest of your life. You do not forget, but things fade and become less mentally valued over time.

    The one common truth I do know about cheating, it is never the problem. Only a symptom to the real issue(s).

    All the best who anyone struggling in this.
  • lmct27
    lmct27 Posts: 9
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    A one off silly drunken/life crisis mistake yes. A long standing affair with strong emotions etc then no.
  • KenziesFrenzies
    KenziesFrenzies Posts: 1,014 Member
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    I never could. I don't care WHAT the excuse is, for me personally, it's universally unforgivable.
    There is no "every situation is different", unless we were talking about actual forced rape. (That's different than cheating.)
  • CharlieB145
    CharlieB145 Posts: 78
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    I forgive, forget and move on (it's not just cheating, it's putting someone's life at stake these days).

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