PARENTING FAIL, big time . . .
Replies
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I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
How dare she!?! I bet that evil woman lies awake at night thinking of the ways she can undo your parenting. I mean, what's next? Will she come over and clean your kitchen? Maybe you could be thankful that Grandma is alive and your kids get to know her or that Grandma cares enough to spend time with her grandchildren. A lot of children miss out on the blessings of having grandparents.
Oh yeah, heaven forbid I get annoyed with grandma because she's not dead.
You're annoyed with Grandma because she did a craft with your daughter and bought her shoes. I hope someday soon you will realize how ridiculous that sounds.
If your three year old is heartbroken and feels less loved because her big sister got some shoes,she has issues beyond what grandma does or doesn't do.
I'm guessing that you're not a mother.
I am and agree with what that person said.0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
How dare she!?! I bet that evil woman lies awake at night thinking of the ways she can undo your parenting. I mean, what's next? Will she come over and clean your kitchen? Maybe you could be thankful that Grandma is alive and your kids get to know her or that Grandma cares enough to spend time with her grandchildren. A lot of children miss out on the blessings of having grandparents.
Oh yeah, heaven forbid I get annoyed with grandma because she's not dead.
You're annoyed with Grandma because she did a craft with your daughter and bought her shoes. I hope someday soon you will realize how ridiculous that sounds.
If your three year old is heartbroken and feels less loved because her big sister got some shoes,she has issues beyond what grandma does or doesn't do.
I'm guessing that you're not a mother.
You're wrong.
My daughters are grown and one of the best things I did as a parent was to figure out what was important and what wasn't and not to make a big deal over small stuff and not to turn positive experiences for my children into negative drama just because things weren't done exactly the way I planned0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
How dare she!?! I bet that evil woman lies awake at night thinking of the ways she can undo your parenting. I mean, what's next? Will she come over and clean your kitchen? Maybe you could be thankful that Grandma is alive and your kids get to know her or that Grandma cares enough to spend time with her grandchildren. A lot of children miss out on the blessings of having grandparents.
Oh yeah, heaven forbid I get annoyed with grandma because she's not dead.
Wow.
That's exactly my response when I read that.
Ditto...0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.
Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.
No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.
No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.
And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.
Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.
My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.
No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)
I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.
Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.
Bold and fancy.
If somebody watches your children the same day, every single week -- that IS a childcare situation. I live next door to my parents. We are close and I own a business with my dad -- they love my daughter immensely -- they do not watch her that frequently. Why? Because it's a lot.
Whether you want to recognize it or not -- your in laws are giving you a huge break most people don't get unless they pay for it.
And who care if she made Valentine's with your daughter? It's not like there is a one Valentine's project a year limit.
As to the shoes, does she never buy things for the younger child and not the older? And as the mother of a 4 year old, she would have NO idea if granny bought her cousin something and not her, unless an adult pointed it out.
The reason this is not childcare is because it's not to help me. If I pulled back, I'd be the *kitten*. I accommodate their needs on this, not mine. Call it what you want but I live it and I know exactly what it is.
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
No, she tends to buy only for the older daughter and my younger daughter is just now figuring it out. And no, she's not going to NOT NOTICE when her sister puts on new shoes. She's not blind or stupid.
My mother doesn't buy clothing for my younger daughter either! Of course, that's because like most moms of same gender kids I saved all of my older daughter's clothing and therefore the youngest doesn't need anyone to buy anything new when she grows out of something, I just dig out the bin for the next size. I should probably tell the little one she's being shafted by Grandmom…0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
How dare she!?! I bet that evil woman lies awake at night thinking of the ways she can undo your parenting. I mean, what's next? Will she come over and clean your kitchen? Maybe you could be thankful that Grandma is alive and your kids get to know her or that Grandma cares enough to spend time with her grandchildren. A lot of children miss out on the blessings of having grandparents.
Oh yeah, heaven forbid I get annoyed with grandma because she's not dead.
Ummmmmm......ok.0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
How dare she!?! I bet that evil woman lies awake at night thinking of the ways she can undo your parenting. I mean, what's next? Will she come over and clean your kitchen? Maybe you could be thankful that Grandma is alive and your kids get to know her or that Grandma cares enough to spend time with her grandchildren. A lot of children miss out on the blessings of having grandparents.
Oh yeah, heaven forbid I get annoyed with grandma because she's not dead.
You're annoyed with Grandma because she did a craft with your daughter and bought her shoes. I hope someday soon you will realize how ridiculous that sounds.
If your three year old is heartbroken and feels less loved because her big sister got some shoes,she has issues beyond what grandma does or doesn't do.
I'm guessing that you're not a mother.
You're wrong.
My daughters are grown and one of the best things I did as a parent was to figure out what was important and what wasn't and not to make a big deal over small stuff and not to turn positive experiences for my children into negative drama just because things weren't done exactly the way I planned Point well taken. 0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.
Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.
No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.
No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.
And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.
Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.
My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.
No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)
I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.
Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.
Bold and fancy.
If somebody watches your children the same day, every single week -- that IS a childcare situation. I live next door to my parents. We are close and I own a business with my dad -- they love my daughter immensely -- they do not watch her that frequently. Why? Because it's a lot.
Whether you want to recognize it or not -- your in laws are giving you a huge break most people don't get unless they pay for it.
And who care if she made Valentine's with your daughter? It's not like there is a one Valentine's project a year limit.
As to the shoes, does she never buy things for the younger child and not the older? And as the mother of a 4 year old, she would have NO idea if granny bought her cousin something and not her, unless an adult pointed it out.
The reason this is not childcare is because it's not to help me. If I pulled back, I'd be the *kitten*. I accommodate their needs on this, not mine. Call it what you want but I live it and I know exactly what it is.
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
No, she tends to buy only for the older daughter and my younger daughter is just now figuring it out. And no, she's not going to NOT NOTICE when her sister puts on new shoes. She's not blind or stupid.
My mother doesn't buy clothing for my younger daughter either! Of course, that's because like most moms of same gender kids I saved all of my older daughter's clothing and therefore the youngest doesn't need anyone to buy anything new when she grows out of something, I just dig out the bin for the next size. I should probably tell the little one she's being shafted by Grandmom…
This made me chuckle. "shafted by grandmom..." that was funny.0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.
Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.
No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.
No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.
And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.
Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.
My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.
No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)
I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.
Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.
Bold and fancy.
If somebody watches your children the same day, every single week -- that IS a childcare situation. I live next door to my parents. We are close and I own a business with my dad -- they love my daughter immensely -- they do not watch her that frequently. Why? Because it's a lot.
Whether you want to recognize it or not -- your in laws are giving you a huge break most people don't get unless they pay for it.
And who care if she made Valentine's with your daughter? It's not like there is a one Valentine's project a year limit.
As to the shoes, does she never buy things for the younger child and not the older? And as the mother of a 4 year old, she would have NO idea if granny bought her cousin something and not her, unless an adult pointed it out.
The reason this is not childcare is because it's not to help me. If I pulled back, I'd be the *kitten*. I accommodate their needs on this, not mine. Call it what you want but I live it and I know exactly what it is.
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
No, she tends to buy only for the older daughter and my younger daughter is just now figuring it out. And no, she's not going to NOT NOTICE when her sister puts on new shoes. She's not blind or stupid.
I think you may want to consider if allowing them to see then grandparents and then getting upset and nitpicking over very minor issues makes you any less of an "*kitten*".0 -
[/quote]
You're wrong.
My daughters are grown and one of the best things I did as a parent was to figure out what was important and what wasn't and not to make a big deal over small stuff and not to turn positive experiences for my children into negative drama just because things weren't done exactly the way I planned
[/quote]
Above should be "quoted"...I jacked it up
This is great advice. I know I blow things out of proportion with my four year old and sometimes we try to do fun things with her and we make it not fun my micromanaging her or getting mad because she doesn't listen to us because she is having such a blast. We forget what it is like to be little and be SO excited over things. Your words really truly hit home for me...about not turning positive experiences into negative ones. I will try to remember that and act accordingly for the future!0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
Ok, so she helped one of your children out on a school project, bought one of your children shoes, and occasionally feeds your children, to boot?
How about we talk about another virtue which is lacking here, that of GRATITUDE? The lack of it from some of the posters on this thread is absolutely shocking. Some of you, is your iron fisted control freakery really worth the trouble it causes within the family? And really, what is worse for children? The occasional surgary snack, a second helping every once in awhile, or a free pair of shoes, or constant family strife because you apparently can't develop enough perspective to realize when something just isn't that big of a deal and relax?0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.
Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.
No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.
No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.
And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.
Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.
My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.
No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)
I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.
Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.
Bold and fancy.
If somebody watches your children the same day, every single week -- that IS a childcare situation. I live next door to my parents. We are close and I own a business with my dad -- they love my daughter immensely -- they do not watch her that frequently. Why? Because it's a lot.
Whether you want to recognize it or not -- your in laws are giving you a huge break most people don't get unless they pay for it.
And who care if she made Valentine's with your daughter? It's not like there is a one Valentine's project a year limit.
As to the shoes, does she never buy things for the younger child and not the older? And as the mother of a 4 year old, she would have NO idea if granny bought her cousin something and not her, unless an adult pointed it out.
The reason this is not childcare is because it's not to help me. If I pulled back, I'd be the *kitten*. I accommodate their needs on this, not mine. Call it what you want but I live it and I know exactly what it is.
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
No, she tends to buy only for the older daughter and my younger daughter is just now figuring it out. And no, she's not going to NOT NOTICE when her sister puts on new shoes. She's not blind or stupid.
I think you may want to consider if allowing them to see then grandparents and then getting upset and nitpicking over very minor issues makes you any less of an "*kitten*".
My attitude is "relationships over rules" -- hardly *kitten*-hole-ish. Grandma got called-out on not treating the children as equals (re: shoes). It was NOT very minor. It ruined our family's morning from 6a - 7:30a. It was huge. The Valentine thing is annoying for ME but I'm not going to say anything to her. Yes, that would be petty. But I cannot help that it upsets me because it does.0 -
Try to put yourself in your kid's shoes. Their memory will be of mom being a jerk about stuff and how wonderful grandma is. I know trying to keep in mind how my child would remember me if I was gone tomorrow helps me to react to things better. I'd hate for her to think "Geez, mom was such an angry/freaker outer/jerk about stuff." and that be her main memory of me.0
-
Ok, so she helped one of your children out on a school project, bought one of your children shoes, and occasionally feeds your children, to boot?
How about we talk about another virtue which is lacking here, that of GRATITUDE? The lack of it from some of the posters on this thread is absolutely shocking. Some of you, is your iron fisted control freakery really worth the trouble it causes within the family? And really, what is worse for children? The occasional surgary snack, a second helping every once in awhile, or a free pair of shoes, or constant family strife because you apparently can't develop enough perspective to realize when something just isn't that big of a deal and relax?
Best post of all seven million..... Really OP and Summerisis - get something real to worry about, stop acting like spoiled brats, and be thankful your kids still have grandparents....I thought I was reading posts made by immature 18 year old new mommies - not people in their 40`s.....0 -
You're wrong.
My daughters are grown and one of the best things I did as a parent was to figure out what was important and what wasn't and not to make a big deal over small stuff and not to turn positive experiences for my children into negative drama just because things weren't done exactly the way I planned
[/quote]
Above should be "quoted"...I jacked it up
This is great advice. I know I blow things out of proportion with my four year old and sometimes we try to do fun things with her and we make it not fun my micromanaging her or getting mad because she doesn't listen to us because she is having such a blast. We forget what it is like to be little and be SO excited over things. Your words really truly hit home for me...about not turning positive experiences into negative ones. I will try to remember that and act accordingly for the future!
[/quote]
Obviously, like all of us I'm not a perfect parent, but that is/was one of my basic philosophies.
I feel sorry for children that are having a fun time with grandma (or whoever) eating yummy food and a parent ruins it by starting some drama.
My mom isn't a great cook at all, but my daughter fondly remembers her sugar sandwiches (white bread, margarine, and white sugar). As this didn't make the bulk of my daughter's diet, I just let her enjoy it and have that memory rather than her being witness to me admonishing my mother.0 -
Try to put yourself in your kid's shoes. Their memory will be of mom being a jerk about stuff and how wonderful grandma is. I know trying to keep in mind how my child would remember me if I was gone tomorrow helps me to react to things better. I'd hate for her to think "Geez, mom was such an angry/freaker outer/jerk about stuff." and that be her main memory of me.
I wholeheartedly agree.0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
How dare she!?! I bet that evil woman lies awake at night thinking of the ways she can undo your parenting. I mean, what's next? Will she come over and clean your kitchen? Maybe you could be thankful that Grandma is alive and your kids get to know her or that Grandma cares enough to spend time with her grandchildren. A lot of children miss out on the blessings of having grandparents.
Oh yeah, heaven forbid I get annoyed with grandma because she's not dead.
You're annoyed with Grandma because she did a craft with your daughter and bought her shoes. I hope someday soon you will realize how ridiculous that sounds.
If your three year old is heartbroken and feels less loved because her big sister got some shoes,she has issues beyond what grandma does or doesn't do.
edit to add
you said
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
So, it's about you, not about your daughter's happiness or her spending time with Grandma doing fun stuff.
Got it.
You sound like a jerk. It is HER child, why can't she be the one to make valentines with HER daughter. The grandparent overstepped their boundaries.
Also, kids younger than her daughter on down to 4yrs old know when they are left out. It does not have to be the parent who points that out.0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.
Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.
No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.
No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.
And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.
Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.
My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.
No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)
I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.
Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.
Bold and fancy.
If somebody watches your children the same day, every single week -- that IS a childcare situation. I live next door to my parents. We are close and I own a business with my dad -- they love my daughter immensely -- they do not watch her that frequently. Why? Because it's a lot.
Whether you want to recognize it or not -- your in laws are giving you a huge break most people don't get unless they pay for it.
And who care if she made Valentine's with your daughter? It's not like there is a one Valentine's project a year limit.
As to the shoes, does she never buy things for the younger child and not the older? And as the mother of a 4 year old, she would have NO idea if granny bought her cousin something and not her, unless an adult pointed it out.
The reason this is not childcare is because it's not to help me. If I pulled back, I'd be the *kitten*. I accommodate their needs on this, not mine. Call it what you want but I live it and I know exactly what it is.
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
No, she tends to buy only for the older daughter and my younger daughter is just now figuring it out. And no, she's not going to NOT NOTICE when her sister puts on new shoes. She's not blind or stupid.
I think you may want to consider if allowing them to see then grandparents and then getting upset and nitpicking over very minor issues makes you any less of an "*kitten*".
My attitude is "relationships over rules" -- hardly *kitten*-hole-ish. Grandma got called-out on not treating the children as equals (re: shoes). It was NOT very minor. It ruined our family's morning from 6a - 7:30a. It was huge. The Valentine thing is annoying for ME but I'm not going to say anything to her. Yes, that would be petty. But I cannot help that it upsets me because it does.
Relationship over rules -- because you haven't been posting about grandma undoing all your hard-work parenting? :huh: Words... they have meanings.0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.
Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.
No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.
No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.
And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.
Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.
My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.
No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)
I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.
Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.
Bold and fancy.
If somebody watches your children the same day, every single week -- that IS a childcare situation. I live next door to my parents. We are close and I own a business with my dad -- they love my daughter immensely -- they do not watch her that frequently. Why? Because it's a lot.
Whether you want to recognize it or not -- your in laws are giving you a huge break most people don't get unless they pay for it.
And who care if she made Valentine's with your daughter? It's not like there is a one Valentine's project a year limit.
As to the shoes, does she never buy things for the younger child and not the older? And as the mother of a 4 year old, she would have NO idea if granny bought her cousin something and not her, unless an adult pointed it out.
The reason this is not childcare is because it's not to help me. If I pulled back, I'd be the *kitten*. I accommodate their needs on this, not mine. Call it what you want but I live it and I know exactly what it is.
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
No, she tends to buy only for the older daughter and my younger daughter is just now figuring it out. And no, she's not going to NOT NOTICE when her sister puts on new shoes. She's not blind or stupid.
I think you may want to consider if allowing them to see then grandparents and then getting upset and nitpicking over very minor issues makes you any less of an "*kitten*".
My attitude is "relationships over rules" -- hardly *kitten*-hole-ish. Grandma got called-out on not treating the children as equals (re: shoes). It was NOT very minor. It ruined our family's morning from 6a - 7:30a. It was huge. The Valentine thing is annoying for ME but I'm not going to say anything to her. Yes, that would be petty. But I cannot help that it upsets me because it does.
Relationship over rules -- because you haven't been posting about grandma undoing all your hard-work parenting? :huh: Words... they have meanings.
Sharing an anecdotal story online isn't the same as giving grandma an ultimatum and/or trying to sabotage my children's relationships with their grandparents.0 -
I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.
Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.
If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.
EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!
I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..
Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...
IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.
You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.
Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.
No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.
No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.
And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.
Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.
My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.
No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)
I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.
Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.
Bold and fancy.
If somebody watches your children the same day, every single week -- that IS a childcare situation. I live next door to my parents. We are close and I own a business with my dad -- they love my daughter immensely -- they do not watch her that frequently. Why? Because it's a lot.
Whether you want to recognize it or not -- your in laws are giving you a huge break most people don't get unless they pay for it.
And who care if she made Valentine's with your daughter? It's not like there is a one Valentine's project a year limit.
As to the shoes, does she never buy things for the younger child and not the older? And as the mother of a 4 year old, she would have NO idea if granny bought her cousin something and not her, unless an adult pointed it out.
The reason this is not childcare is because it's not to help me. If I pulled back, I'd be the *kitten*. I accommodate their needs on this, not mine. Call it what you want but I live it and I know exactly what it is.
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
No, she tends to buy only for the older daughter and my younger daughter is just now figuring it out. And no, she's not going to NOT NOTICE when her sister puts on new shoes. She's not blind or stupid.
I think you may want to consider if allowing them to see then grandparents and then getting upset and nitpicking over very minor issues makes you any less of an "*kitten*".
My attitude is "relationships over rules" -- hardly *kitten*-hole-ish. Grandma got called-out on not treating the children as equals (re: shoes). It was NOT very minor. It ruined our family's morning from 6a - 7:30a. It was huge. The Valentine thing is annoying for ME but I'm not going to say anything to her. Yes, that would be petty. But I cannot help that it upsets me because it does.
Relationship over rules -- because you haven't been posting about grandma undoing all your hard-work parenting? :huh: Words... they have meanings.
Sharing an anecdotal story online isn't the same as giving grandma an ultimatum and/or trying to sabotage my children's relationships with their grandparents.
No, but you went on to joke about her death, so it's not really hard for people to jump to that conclusion.0 -
Dial 1-800-INGRATES0
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Dial 1-800-INGRATES
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You're annoyed with Grandma because she did a craft with your daughter and bought her shoes. I hope someday soon you will realize how ridiculous that sounds.
If your three year old is heartbroken and feels less loved because her big sister got some shoes,she has issues beyond what grandma does or doesn't do.
edit to add
you said
I care that this is my daughter's first year in school and I wanted to help her make Valentine's for her classmates.
So, it's about you, not about your daughter's happiness or her spending time with Grandma doing fun stuff.
Got it.
[/quote]
You sound like a jerk. It is HER child, why can't she be the one to make valentines with HER daughter. The grandparent overstepped their boundaries.
Also, kids younger than her daughter on down to 4yrs old know when they are left out. It does not have to be the parent who points that out.
[/quote]
If you read the previous posts you would know that Grandma wasn't aware of the rule that she wasn't to make Valentines and wasn't aware of the rule that she needed to ask Mom because Mom hadn't told her those rules. So, Mom hadn't established the boundaries; how can you blame Grandma for overstepping boundaries?
Furthermore, if you have children, you would know that you cannot treat each child exactly the same at exactly the same time; doesn't mean you aren't being a fair parent.
edit: tried to trim quotes, messed up format0 -
Agree with above. Children could benefit with a little "life isn't always fair" lessons. In later years they won't always be treated the same or always treated fairly and that is life. It is probably beneficial in the long run.0
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Make more Valentines with your daughter and take them to patients at a hospital. Teach your child about random acts of kindness and share in that with her. Then celebrate with mommy and daughter hot chocolates with lots of whipped cream.0
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Pretty crappy that they wouldn't just move him up to a higher weight category. When I used to compete at judo as a kid, that's what would happen. There was no "failing" a weigh in at that age either. You weighed in, got a number written on your hand in marker pen, and you fought the other kids who had the same number as you. Only when I was in my early teens competing at area to national level, was there any not being allowed to compete for failing weight categories, and that was only certain tournaments. A lot of tournaments even at that level, you just moved up a category if you "failed" the weigh-in.
Why don't they just let kids go up a weight category? I mean he's only seven FFS. Seriously, not allowed to compete over 0.2lb??
This0 -
So at least one of the "horrible" grandmas is a paternal grandparent. Are both? Because I've noticed that many moms tend to view innocuous behavior on the part of the M'sIL as egregious when the same behavior from their own mother wouldn't cause them to bat an eye.0
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As an Aunt who loves to spoil her niece and nephew, I'm getting a kick out of these posts.
When I babysit, I spoil them rotten. All the ipad time they want and I bring an ample supply of candy.
They are active kids and only eat as much as they want. They never finish what I give them. They like
Eating fruits and veggies. They even like sushi. Salmon and tuna. Ages 7 & 9.0 -
As an Aunt who loves to spoil her niece and nephew, I'm getting a kick out of these posts.
When I babysit, I spoil them rotten. All the ipad time they want and I bring an ample supply of candy.
They are active kids and only eat as much as they want. They never finish what I give them. They like
Eating fruits and veggies. They even like sushi. Salmon and tuna. Ages 7 & 9.
Hey, my kid would like another auntie...0 -
As an Aunt who loves to spoil her niece and nephew, I'm getting a kick out of these posts.
When I babysit, I spoil them rotten. All the ipad time they want and I bring an ample supply of candy.
They are active kids and only eat as much as they want. They never finish what I give them. They like
Eating fruits and veggies. They even like sushi. Salmon and tuna. Ages 7 & 9.
I used to be more bent out of shape when our moms spoiled our little girl and then I realized...I'd do it too. I just got mad because I had to deal with the aftermath of a little girl who hasn't hear no all day and now mommy and daddy sound mean because they won't let her do whatever she wants. I'd spoil grandkids/neices/nephews too, why not?! You get to be the awesome one! And my little girl is also a good eater, loves healthy food, eats broccoli like its candy and will try anything. (She tried squid the other day and liked it.) So I really couldn't complain about them spoiling her, I made a bigger deal than it needed to be. My little girl even gets spoiled at the places we frequent, free mango lassi at the Indian restaurant, free candy at the Mexican restaurant, free cookie at the grocery store...let people spoil your kids and then you be the one who sets limits...as long as they have limits somewhere, it will be just fine.0 -
As an Aunt who loves to spoil her niece and nephew, I'm getting a kick out of these posts.
When I babysit, I spoil them rotten. All the ipad time they want and I bring an ample supply of candy.
They are active kids and only eat as much as they want. They never finish what I give them. They like
Eating fruits and veggies. They even like sushi. Salmon and tuna. Ages 7 & 9.
Hey, my kid would like another auntie...
Bring 'em over. Best part of being an aunt is that I don't have to follow the rules. I'm happy I have a brother and SIL who understand their place and my place in their children's lives.0
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