PARENTING FAIL, big time . . .

wow...I am horrified at the thought of a 7 year old boy having to worry about gaining half a pound.

EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!

You might try a list. My husband wrote a clear list for his parents -- not what they CAN'T eat but what they CAN. The kids can eat fruit, vegetables, meat, nuts, and cheese. They can drink water -- sparking, soda, plain. Treats are FRUIT not candy. We encourage her to buy raspberries, blueberries, etc.

I might even print out the Whole30 Vegetarian Style shopping list for her.

And if she continues to try to buy my kids' love with sugar then I'll ask her to track what they eat when with her to show her how gawd-awful their diet is when they're with her versus when they're with us. I really had no idea how much sugar I was consuming until I started tracking it... and now I realize how much sugar my kids eat.

I think they're "getting it." He went to his grandma's yesterday, late afternoon while I was getting ready to take him to a birthday party . . . my dad called, told me he was hungry, and asked if they should feed him or if there would be food at the party.

Wow, it's really sad how you disrespect your parents in front of your children.

We don't talk about contentious issues in front of the children - they can hear.

The fact that your father has to call you to ask permission to feed a hungry child speaks volumes.

Your child: I'm hungry
Your Dad: Let me call your mom to see if I'm allowed to give you food.


Children pick up on this stuff without you needing to say anything specifically in front of them.

The question dad asked, about 15 minutes before I was to collect Beckett for a birthday party, was: "Beckett's getting hungry. Should we go ahead and feed him, or will there be dinner at the party?"

This sort of communication is not child abuse - it helps us make sure that he will get dinner, but only once - which is much healthier than feeding him dinner twice, or not at all.

Most grandparents would feel perfectly comfortable giving a 7 year old a snack if he said he was hungry, going to a party or not. I think that the fact that your parents feel they can't do this without giving you a call first is sad.

OP, I can relate...

I have a MIL who likes to let my toddler graze all day long, and much of what she provides is pseudo-healthy... by that I mean, she gives her a lot of packaged snacks, like the Gerber toddler cookies, cheese puffs, etc... "it's made by Gerber and it has vitamins and nutrients in it" therefore it's ok. :noway: It drives my husband and I nuts, and we've told her how we feel, but she's one of those that first gets defensive, then nods and smiles but continues doing what she wants.

I have no problem with my child eating her fill at mealtimes. As a two year old, she has breakfast, lunch and dinner, with an afternoon snack and occasionally a morning snack. Her meals are a balance of protein, fruit /veg and starch; sometimes a snack might be yogurt covered raisins, or on a rare occasion, some cheez its. I have a BIG problem with grazing, however. She does not need to carry around a snack cup constantly being replenished throughout the day. I have learned to not make an issue of *what" my MIL gives her, since she doesn't eat these things regularly. I have a problem with the grazing because the day after she comes home from Mamaw and Pop Pop's house, all she wants is food, all day. And, because my MIL doesn't give her naps, she's also a whiny crankpants (but that's a whole different issue!).

I'm of the mind (and probably because this is how I was raised) that the PARENTS are the ultimate authority, and the periphery family members- grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc... should work in concert with parents to provide a cohesive unit. Grandparents and auxillary family members should support the parents in their parenting, not undermine them.

It's sounds like she goes to Grandma's fairly often.
Mostly, I think you should be thankful that you have someone willing to spend a full day with a two year old on a regular basis.
I didn't sense any sense of gratitude for this in your post.

You can set limits for grandparents (and other family members) and still appreciate them. It's not an either/or situation.

Obviously there should be limits. But what issues they are set around and how tightly they should be controlled is debatable.

My comment about the gratitude was to do with the fact that within the poster's long diatribe about grandma's violations she didn't write anything along the lines of " Hey ,my MIL takes my 2 year old for a day and it's a nice break for me and a great chance for my daughter to get to develop a loving relationship with her grandmother". Which makes me think that her real life conversations focus on the negative aspects of the situation as well.

OP, I can relate...

I have a MIL who likes to let my toddler graze all day long, and much of what she provides is pseudo-healthy... by that I mean, she gives her a lot of packaged snacks, like the Gerber toddler cookies, cheese puffs, etc... "it's made by Gerber and it has vitamins and nutrients in it" therefore it's ok. :noway: It drives my husband and I nuts, and we've told her how we feel, but she's one of those that first gets defensive, then nods and smiles but continues doing what she wants.

I have no problem with my child eating her fill at mealtimes. As a two year old, she has breakfast, lunch and dinner, with an afternoon snack and occasionally a morning snack. Her meals are a balance of protein, fruit /veg and starch; sometimes a snack might be yogurt covered raisins, or on a rare occasion, some cheez its. I have a BIG problem with grazing, however. She does not need to carry around a snack cup constantly being replenished throughout the day. I have learned to not make an issue of *what" my MIL gives her, since she doesn't eat these things regularly. I have a problem with the grazing because the day after she comes home from Mamaw and Pop Pop's house, all she wants is food, all day. And, because my MIL doesn't give her naps, she's also a whiny crankpants (but that's a whole different issue!).

I'm of the mind (and probably because this is how I was raised) that the PARENTS are the ultimate authority, and the periphery family members- grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc... should work in concert with parents to provide a cohesive unit. Grandparents and auxillary family members should support the parents in their parenting, not undermine them.

It's sounds like she goes to Grandma's fairly often.
Mostly, I think you should be thankful that you have someone willing to spend a full day with a two year old on a regular basis.
I didn't sense any sense of gratitude for this in your post.

You don't know my MIL. I am grateful she likes to spend time with her grandchildren, I am grateful she has the financial means to spoil her grandaughters. But that's not what the OP's point (or my point to her post) was about. Well, the older one, anyway. My MIL wants her "at least" once a week, and that wasn't a reality until very recently- she signed her up for Zumbini (baby/toddler zumba, before asking us!) and that's once a week. Even though it's on tuesday mid-morning, she takes her the day before... I didn't argue because I know it's good for my daughter to spend time with her grandparents, despite my issues. She would take my 2yr old overnight or a weekend a couple times a month, and then would either come over to our house or we'd go up there a couple times a month, so she sees her grandkids 3-4 times a month. She does the grazing thing with us there, so I have to assume she does it when we're not. For the record, my husband has as much a problem with the grazing as I do.

As I said, you do not know my MIL; she is very generous and loves to spend time with her grandchildren, but she does things which are unnecessary (and not relevant to the topic at hand) because it makes *her* feel good, child or parents be damned

ETA: I get you are coming from a different place, being a grandmother. And I will admit, there are extraneous issues that do color my perceptions. My "long" diatribe could have been a lot longer, to include the various things concerning both my children, my husband and myself, as it concerns the "i'll do what I want, everyone else be damned" mentality of my MIL. She doesn't get it because she never had to deal with an overbearing MIL (my FIL did not have a relationship or any contact with his mother as an adult). I know she means well, but it's all about her... through the prism of her granddaughter. And it's frustrating. If you aren't like that, that's awesome. Applause for you :flowerforyou:

The issue really is "Does this matter?". Your MIL signed your daughter up for a dance class. I assume she is paying for it and taking her. So really what does that matter? What parent is morally opposed to their 2 year old dancing? Unless you daughter has a health issue, how is that any different from taking her daughter to the park every Tuesday?

And I don't know if this is a news flash or not, but most people do nice things for others not only to make them happy, but to make themselves feel good too. Like, "Oh, little Susy would like that and I would enjoy doing it with her!" that is totally normal. So long as your daughter enjoys herself, so what if granny gets something out of it?.

I think what is so concerning about this topic -- raising kids to think the world is as their parents dictate is NOT healthy. My daughter does to preschool weekly and 1-2 a month to either my mom's, aunt's, or sister's. They all have different rules or lack thereof. Guess what? My daughter has to adapt to each of those environments. Nobody calls me asking what she can/can't eat. Nobody calls me and asks if she can do an art project or go dance.

I cannot control my daughter's life 24/7.

OP, I can relate...

I have a MIL who likes to let my toddler graze all day long, and much of what she provides is pseudo-healthy... by that I mean, she gives her a lot of packaged snacks, like the Gerber toddler cookies, cheese puffs, etc... "it's made by Gerber and it has vitamins and nutrients in it" therefore it's ok. :noway: It drives my husband and I nuts, and we've told her how we feel, but she's one of those that first gets defensive, then nods and smiles but continues doing what she wants.

I have no problem with my child eating her fill at mealtimes. As a two year old, she has breakfast, lunch and dinner, with an afternoon snack and occasionally a morning snack. Her meals are a balance of protein, fruit /veg and starch; sometimes a snack might be yogurt covered raisins, or on a rare occasion, some cheez its. I have a BIG problem with grazing, however. She does not need to carry around a snack cup constantly being replenished throughout the day. I have learned to not make an issue of *what" my MIL gives her, since she doesn't eat these things regularly. I have a problem with the grazing because the day after she comes home from Mamaw and Pop Pop's house, all she wants is food, all day. And, because my MIL doesn't give her naps, she's also a whiny crankpants (but that's a whole different issue!).

I'm of the mind (and probably because this is how I was raised) that the PARENTS are the ultimate authority, and the periphery family members- grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc... should work in concert with parents to provide a cohesive unit. Grandparents and auxillary family members should support the parents in their parenting, not undermine them.

It's sounds like she goes to Grandma's fairly often.
Mostly, I think you should be thankful that you have someone willing to spend a full day with a two year old on a regular basis.
I didn't sense any sense of gratitude for this in your post.

You don't know my MIL. I am grateful she likes to spend time with her grandchildren, I am grateful she has the financial means to spoil her grandaughters. But that's not what the OP's point (or my point to her post) was about. Well, the older one, anyway. My MIL wants her "at least" once a week, and that wasn't a reality until very recently- she signed her up for Zumbini (baby/toddler zumba, before asking us!) and that's once a week. Even though it's on tuesday mid-morning, she takes her the day before... I didn't argue because I know it's good for my daughter to spend time with her grandparents, despite my issues. She would take my 2yr old overnight or a weekend a couple times a month, and then would either come over to our house or we'd go up there a couple times a month, so she sees her grandkids 3-4 times a month. She does the grazing thing with us there, so I have to assume she does it when we're not. For the record, my husband has as much a problem with the grazing as I do.

As I said, you do not know my MIL; she is very generous and loves to spend time with her grandchildren, but she does things which are unnecessary (and not relevant to the topic at hand) because it makes *her* feel good, child or parents be damned

ETA: I get you are coming from a different place, being a grandmother. And I will admit, there are extraneous issues that do color my perceptions. My "long" diatribe could have been a lot longer, to include the various things concerning both my children, my husband and myself, as it concerns the "i'll do what I want, everyone else be damned" mentality of my MIL. She doesn't get it because she never had to deal with an overbearing MIL (my FIL did not have a relationship or any contact with his mother as an adult). I know she means well, but it's all about her... through the prism of her granddaughter. And it's frustrating. If you aren't like that, that's awesome. Applause for you :flowerforyou:

The issue really is "Does this matter?". Your MIL signed your daughter up for a dance class. I assume she is paying for it and taking her. So really what does that matter? What parent is morally opposed to their 2 year old dancing? Unless you daughter has a health issue, how is that any different from taking her daughter to the park every Tuesday?

And I don't know if this is a news flash or not, but most people do nice things for others not only to make them happy, but to make themselves feel good too. Like, "Oh, little Susy would like that and I would enjoy doing it with her!" that is totally normal. So long as your daughter enjoys herself, so what if granny gets something out of it?.

I think what is so concerning about this topic -- raising kids to think the world is as their parents dictate is NOT healthy. My daughter does to preschool weekly and 1-2 a month to either my mom's, aunt's, or sister's. They all have different rules or lack thereof. Guess what? My daughter has to adapt to each of those environments. Nobody calls me asking what she can/can't eat. Nobody calls me and asks if she can do an art project or go dance.

I cannot control my daughter's life 24/7.

I recognize I cannot control my daughter's life 24/7, and that's not what it is about. For me, the issue at hand is respect, which, IMO, is important. Are these things big enough matters to make a scene over with my MIL? No- which is why when she called and said she did X, I said, oh, ok, that sounds like fun. My husband was not happy about the fact that its every week. Is it a big enough deal that my MIL feeds her what my husband and I consider crap food, to warant making an issue out of it? No, which is why I said something once, in the context of how I feed her at home, and left it at that. Futhermore, regarding Zumbini- the only reason asking is relevant is because, what if we already had my daughter scheduled for something? Our gym has all sorts of programs for toddlers, and it would have been a PITA for me to tell my MIL "no".

Again, without getting into all the various details of mine and my husbands relationship with his mother, there are things which influence my view of things. It's gotten to a point where I feel I can no longer let my guard down, and I refuse to bring up issues with them- that has become soley my husbands job, as they're his parents.

Also, regarding what's my MIL wants, everyone else be damned- I do not think it's anything other than self-serving and self-gratification to get my daughter riled up and upset to the point of crying when Mamaw (that's what my MIL wants to be called) leaves. She feeds it, she perpetuates it and thinks it's cute... because it's an ego boost for her- never mind that she's upsetting her granddaughter. But hey, grandparents rights, lol.

Another ETA: I realize I'm making this sound like I have an ogre mother-in-law; I don't. There are many occasions where I thoroughly enjoy my time with my in-laws. They can be a lot of fun when they relax, and they love their granddaughters immensely. I grew up with an unaffectionate grandfather (my moms dad died when she was a kid) and my father passed away a month before the birth of my first child, so I'm grateful my girls have a PopPop who adores them. I just wish there was a little more respect coming our way, and I wish I didn't feel like I have to walk on eggshells- I never know what bee is going to find it's way into their bonnet and cause a ruckus...

By the time my youngest son was 7, his two grandpas and one grandma had passed away. Enjoy your parents; they are not permanent fixtures. Send the snacks you want your child to eat with them when they visit and know that when the grandparents do something you don't like, it comes from them loving their grandchildren and not an attemp to undermine your parental authority.
I would give anything for my kids to have one more dinner made by grandma.

And from the experience of a mother of 4 and elementary school teacher, allowing 7 year old children to wrestle competitively is absurd.

as a mother of 2, one of which wrestled competitively for his entire school career, it was not absurd. He was a 3-sport athlete. Sports and school activities kept him active and healthy, and social. He understood failure and success, got good grades and was very well rounded. He started when he was 6 and stopped after he graduated high school. He's now finishing up his Master's degree and waiting to hear if he will be admitted to school for his doctorate. he's also happily married. Don't think it hurt him to wrestle competitively at all. Our parental involvement in the activity was the key.

Sounds like there are two issues taking place simultaneously. 1) Keeping your son at a competitive weight for wrestling and 2) Educating your parents on what you believe is appropriate nutrition for your child.

I am opposed to a 7-year old associating weight loss with participating in a sport. Perhaps find another sport where he doesn't feel pressured to keep his weight low to compete? He can make that decision when he is a bit older. My view is that sports should be fun, first and foremost, especially at that age.

I am not opposed to educating grandparents on the value of nutritious food for grandchildren. It's not disrespecting them as much as upholding a standard you have set for your family. Pack snacks and send them over with the kids. That's what I did when mine were little and it made visits go smoothly.

By the time my youngest son was 7, his two grandpas and one grandma had passed away. Enjoy your parents; they are not permanent fixtures. Send the snacks you want your child to eat with them when they visit and know that when the grandparents do something you don't like, it comes from them loving their grandchildren and not an attemp to undermine your parental authority.
I would give anything for my kids to have one more dinner made by grandma.

And from the experience of a mother of 4 and elementary school teacher, allowing 7 year old children to wrestle competitively is absurd.

as a mother of 2, one of which wrestled competitively for his entire school career, it was not absurd. He was a 3-sport athlete. Sports and school activities kept him active and healthy, and social. He understood failure and success, got good grades and was very well rounded. He started when he was 6 and stopped after he graduated high school. He's now finishing up his Master's degree and waiting to hear if he will be admitted to school for his doctorate. he's also happily married. Don't think it hurt him to wrestle competitively at all. Our parental involvement in the activity was the key.

Yes. Competitive sports do nothing but positive things. Unlike these cupcake "we won't even keep score" sports leagues for kids they have now.

Competitive sports are great.
But... I'm thinking any sport where a 7-year old has a melt-down over eating at a restaurant the night before isn't your typical kids' sport.
Disappointment over not practicing hard enough is okay. Fearing natural weight fluctuations? Not so much.