Boyfriend dilemma
Replies
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Your Fri,Sat, & Sun are booked.......so just sit down and talk with him and tell him you want to see other people Monday-Thursday.
It's actually me that wants the week days to myself. He has invited me to the movies during the week with him and his son but I usually decline because I think it would be nice for him and his son to spend time together.
All I'm asking if for a simple text "good morning, have a great day" or something. I'm such an easy going person, the little things make me happy.0 -
It's been four years. Things will not change. After four years you should be a bigger part of each others lives. Might be time to take the obvious and move on.
I agree. He did, not too long ago, bring up about buying a house together and I shot him down. It's just too drastic of a step. How could he expect me to live with him when he never spends the night?
I don't get it.
He wanted to buy a house with you and you said no? It sounds to me like you wounded him and he stepped WAAAAAAY back. So essentially he thinks he's giving you what you want by maintaining distance.
I could be way off, but each answer you give contradicts the last.0 -
This isn't a boyfriend. It's a booty call.
^^ This. I can't believe you've put up with it for 4 years.0 -
but was the meat for his cat?0
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What do you want???
To get married? To be someone's true partner? To just have a relationship which is just about hanging out a few days a week and no growth potential?
If what you have right now is what you want: Great!!! If not, then you really should just move on. You are not this man's love... you are easy easy companionship and sex (I presume).. for which he gets to keep his life exactly the way he wants it and put no effort into having those things.I wouldn't call him your boyfriend either. You are his friend with benefits.
I agree about the friends with benefits! Actually, I feel more like he's just a companion/buddy now.
I do not want to get married. I did that once and that was enough for me. IMO, being married or living with someone isn't necessarily what I need in a relationship. I like our weekends but I would like to be acknowledged during the week as well.
Ok, let's stop thinking he's married, even if a number of signs point to the very real possibility of that.
You're ok with the way things are, EXCEPT for the fact that he won't talk to you during the week.
You've talked to him about it and he's not willing to change, not any real, lasting change.
So, what are you gonna do? If he won't change you either have to accept this as the way things are or put an end to it. I know that can be scary, but it's worse to accept less just to stay with someone. Better to be alone so when the right person does come along you're ready for it.
And really, you should expect more for yourself. You deserve better than someone who tells you he doesn't want to even talk to you for 4 out of 7 days.
Thank you. And no, it won't be easy but I know what I need to do and I can't let him talk me out of it.0 -
But then again, 4 years is a long time to be together for him to "not be into you" (I hate that expression). You really should sit down with him and explain to him how this makes you feel. If he is not concerned that his lack of interest is bothering you, then he might not be the right one for you.
I have discussed this with him. Things get better for a few months and then back to not contacting me. I kinda feel like I'm forcing him.
Break up with him and be sure he knows that this is why. It may scare him into stepping it up and being real with himself about it. He might go into pursuit mode, men love the "hunt". If not, then just move on.0 -
Shhhh, let it come hahaha.Why do I expect a big plot twist soon? :huh:
I'm waiting too :ohwell:
-grabs popcorn for us both-
Om nom nom nom0 -
Been in something similar. Then decided that I don't want a man in my life who doesn't need me in his. (something about wanting to be essential, not optional...) Not being contacted for days is not only rude but also thoughtless (as you told him that you would like to hear from him more often). It means that he is happy with things as they are (ie: comfortable) as opposed to making an effort to make you feel better.
The choice is yours, but he won't change, only will become more comfortable, spending even less time with you.0 -
...always with the negative responses
He's probably too busy from volunteering at one or all of the following during the week:
Homeless shelter
ASPCA
Soup Kitchen
Meals on wheels
helping with shut ins
his wife and kids...err, I mean...um...goodwill
big brother program
after school programs
charity bachelor auction0 -
It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too. When you live alone for a long time, you kinda enjoy it.
However, I never hear from him during the week. Rarely will he give me a call at lunch, never in the evening. Sometimes we will email or IM but not often. I never get a good morning from him or good night ... even via text. Nothing. I think he would be just fine with not talking to me Monday through Thursday.
I don't contact him anymore either because I am tired of always making the first move.
We've discussed it but he thinks I overreact.
Am I over reacting?
I'm not sure what you are asking. It sounds like you are friends.....Not boyfriend/girlfriend. He's probably busy during the week getting his freak on....If he isn't getting it from you.......his girlfriend of 4 years......ever and only sees you on the weekend.....he's getting it somewhere else.0 -
It's been four years. Things will not change. After four years you should be a bigger part of each others lives. Might be time to take the obvious and move on.
I agree. He did, not too long ago, bring up about buying a house together and I shot him down. It's just too drastic of a step. How could he expect me to live with him when he never spends the night?
I don't get it.
He wanted to buy a house with you and you said no? It sounds to me like you wounded him and he stepped WAAAAAAY back. So essentially he thinks he's giving you what you want by maintaining distance.
I could be way off, but each answer you give contradicts the last.
I don't feel as if I am contradicting myself. The mention of the house scared me. This was just two months ago. Him not contacting me during the week has been going on for 3.5 years.0 -
Sounds like a double life.....I feel a lifetime moving coming on!0
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Your Fri,Sat, & Sun are booked.......so just sit down and talk with him and tell him you want to see other people Monday-Thursday.
It's actually me that wants the week days to myself. He has invited me to the movies during the week with him and his son but I usually decline because I think it would be nice for him and his son to spend time together.
All I'm asking if for a simple text "good morning, have a great day" or something. I'm such an easy going person, the little things make me happy.
So, actually, you are the one pushing him away.
I don't get this at all.
Why should he do things that enhance emotional connection (texting good morning), if you are just going to shut him down? I wouldn't do it either if I were him.
Is it your decision not to spend nights together, too?0 -
It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too. When you live alone for a long time, you kinda enjoy it.
However, I never hear from him during the week. Rarely will he give me a call at lunch, never in the evening. Sometimes we will email or IM but not often. I never get a good morning from him or good night ... even via text. Nothing. I think he would be just fine with not talking to me Monday through Thursday.
I don't contact him anymore either because I am tired of always making the first move.
We've discussed it but he thinks I overreact.
Am I over reacting?
I'm not sure what you are asking. It sounds like you are friends.....Not boyfriend/girlfriend. He's probably busy during the week getting his freak on....If he isn't getting it from you.......his girlfriend of 4 years......ever and only sees you on the weekend.....he's getting it somewhere else.
Getting his freak on? :bigsmile:
He's 58... I doubt he's getting his freak on.
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...............he's married.
-exits thread-0 -
Just break up.
This0 -
Your Fri,Sat, & Sun are booked.......so just sit down and talk with him and tell him you want to see other people Monday-Thursday.
It's actually me that wants the week days to myself. He has invited me to the movies during the week with him and his son but I usually decline because I think it would be nice for him and his son to spend time together.
All I'm asking if for a simple text "good morning, have a great day" or something. I'm such an easy going person, the little things make me happy.
So, actually, you are the one pushing him away.
I don't get this at all.
Why should he do things that enhance emotional connection (texting good morning), if you are just going to shut him down? I wouldn't do it either if I were him.
Is it your decision not to spend nights together, too?
No, it's not my decision. I even ask him on the weekends when does he plan on spending the night. His response is "I don't know"0 -
But was the meat for his cat?
It certainly appears that way to me.0 -
It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too. When you live alone for a long time, you kinda enjoy it.
However, I never hear from him during the week. Rarely will he give me a call at lunch, never in the evening. Sometimes we will email or IM but not often. I never get a good morning from him or good night ... even via text. Nothing. I think he would be just fine with not talking to me Monday through Thursday.
I don't contact him anymore either because I am tired of always making the first move.
We've discussed it but he thinks I overreact.
Am I over reacting?
I'm not sure what you are asking. It sounds like you are friends.....Not boyfriend/girlfriend. He's probably busy during the week getting his freak on....If he isn't getting it from you.......his girlfriend of 4 years......ever and only sees you on the weekend.....he's getting it somewhere else.
Getting his freak on? :bigsmile:
He's 58... I doubt he's getting his freak on.
So you don't have sex?0 -
Been in something similar. Then decided that I don't want a man in my life who doesn't need me in his. (something about wanting to be essential, not optional...) Not being contacted for days is not only rude but also thoughtless (as you told him that you would like to hear from him more often). It means that he is happy with things as they are (ie: comfortable) as opposed to making an effort to make you feel better.
The choice is yours, but he won't change, only will become more comfortable, spending even less time with you.
Thank you. You sound like you really understand.0 -
OK pretty sure his significant other (wife most likely) works on weekends, as you said he does NOT stay overnight even on weekends... so that is my guess.
Have you ever been to his place?
Do you know where he actually lives, as in address?
If the answer to the above questions are nope then ask him, suggest you go over to his place... see what happens. If you haven't went out with any of his friends, or where they are hanging out... ask him why not?
My guess is it is time to cut him loose and move on...0 -
What do you want???
To get married? To be someone's true partner? To just have a relationship which is just about hanging out a few days a week and no growth potential?
If what you have right now is what you want: Great!!! If not, then you really should just move on. You are not this man's love... you are easy easy companionship and sex (I presume).. for which he gets to keep his life exactly the way he wants it and put no effort into having those things.I wouldn't call him your boyfriend either. You are his friend with benefits.
I agree about the friends with benefits! Actually, I feel more like he's just a companion/buddy now.
I do not want to get married. I did that once and that was enough for me. IMO, being married or living with someone isn't necessarily what I need in a relationship. I like our weekends but I would like to be acknowledged during the week as well.
I am just reading through this thread and I am confused about what you truly want. So I think it's possible that even this GUY could be confused, and you sound confused yourself!
Maybe I view things too black/white but the situation you describe would drive me absolutely nuts for more than probably 6 months to a year. I am the type of woman who needs to define terms and put a name on things. I honestly can't even imagine spending more than a year with a guy without deciding to stay together long-term/permanently.
However, I will add that during the first year I was with my husband we were separated every single week Mon-Thurs. We did spend Fri-Sun together including overnight. He was caring for his terminally ill mother and working from home, and the distance was too great for us to go back and forth daily. I did encounter some friends and acquaintances with very different views on my situation. They thought it was "strange" that we didn't drive back and forth daily (to them, 45-60 min was not a big deal but to us it was impractical & unnecessary). Friends also found it strange that we did not talk on the phone or text on the nights we weren't together. We did chat on gmail for at least an hour (often 2 hrs) nightly. But other people still found it 'odd' so I understand that you probably face a lot of that from other people.
What is most important is that YOU are happy and fulfilled by your relationship though. And honestly it does not sound to me like you are.
What's stopping you from talking to him frankly about all of this and describing your wants/needs?0 -
so... If I'm summing this up correctly...
he wants to buy a house together...
you want your distance...
he doesn't want to spend the night...
you've been together for 4 years...
no contact through the week...
he's 58 so he's not getting freak on...
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It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too. When you live alone for a long time, you kinda enjoy it.
However, I never hear from him during the week. Rarely will he give me a call at lunch, never in the evening. Sometimes we will email or IM but not often. I never get a good morning from him or good night ... even via text. Nothing. I think he would be just fine with not talking to me Monday through Thursday.
I don't contact him anymore either because I am tired of always making the first move.
We've discussed it but he thinks I overreact.
Am I over reacting?
I'm not sure what you are asking. It sounds like you are friends.....Not boyfriend/girlfriend. He's probably busy during the week getting his freak on....If he isn't getting it from you.......his girlfriend of 4 years......ever and only sees you on the weekend.....he's getting it somewhere else.
Getting his freak on? :bigsmile:
He's 58... I doubt he's getting his freak on.
So you don't have sex?
We have sex Fri Sat and Sun. I just know he's not getting his freak on. Maybe mentioning is age was pointless.0 -
My first thought was also that he is married. :indifferent:0
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so... If I'm summing this up correctly...
he wants to buy a house together...
you want your distance...
he doesn't want to spend the night...
we've been together for 4 years...
no contact through the week...
he's 58 so he's not getting freak on...
You people are making me laugh here!
Here's an edited summary
he wants to buy a house together...
he doesn't want to spend the night...
I like my time during the week
you've been together for 4 years...
no contact through the week...
he's 58 and gets his freak on with me0 -
If you are under 25, then just relax.
If you are over 25, start thinking about what you want from him and life.0 -
OK pretty sure his significant other (wife most likely) works on weekends, as you said he does NOT stay overnight even on weekends... so that is my guess.
Have you ever been to his place?
Do you know where he actually lives, as in address?
If the answer to the above questions are nope then ask him, suggest you go over to his place... see what happens. If you haven't went out with any of his friends, or where they are hanging out... ask him why not?
My guess is it is time to cut him loose and move on...
yes I know where he lives, been to his house (once over night) worked on his garden with him in the summer.0 -
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