Boyfriend dilemma

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Replies

  • Soccermavrick
    Soccermavrick Posts: 405 Member
    Ok, not to be mean, but either he has put you in the friend-zone, and using you for benefits, he is married - making you the mistress, or he is gay and in the closet. I am leaning towards number 1.

    This does not sounds like any relationship that I have ever been in, where I gave a crap about the other person. It sounds like you are someone that he can go out with, hit it, hang with and then go back to his life without interference. I think if you are looking for more, then you need to start looking elsewhere. (And it is probably all him - and maybe he is not capable of more. But it sounds like you want/need more.) And most happy couples that I know want to talk everyday, if just to hear their voice.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    I can't understand how he is willing to purchase a house and live together if he can't spend the night.

    That is completely non-copacetic.

    My BF and I only see each other on HIS weekend (Wed/Thurs) and I have 8-5 work schedule- so it's only in the evenings I see him. We talk regularly through the week when we can- he also works an evening shift- so it makes it very difficult to coordinate and talk- but we do.

    And he certainly stays with me when he comes to visit. (He's 2 hrs away on a good day).

    If you aren't satisfied- you need to leave- since communication isn't working.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    I spoke with him and I got my answer.....

    He wants to know why he has to contact me every day. Kinda hurts but whatever.
    Well, you want him to contact you everyday and he didn't want to.

    Why do you want him to contact you everyday? If you want to talk, call him. This isn't high school, this is adulthood.

    My beau and I love talking to each other everyday we are apart, mostly via Face time, but that's just us. However, if we skip a day or two, it's no big deal. Our relationship is stable and we love and trust each other.
  • Leslie1124
    Leslie1124 Posts: 143 Member
    He's got another life - another family ... you're his weekend girl.
  • tim201200
    tim201200 Posts: 145 Member
    I'd say he's married
  • kimid123
    kimid123 Posts: 16 Member
    Is this behavior acceptable to you?

    That's really the only question you should be asking. It either works for you or it doesn't. If it doesn't, move on and find something else that does.

    Anything you get out of this thread will be pure speculation and/or people's opinions based on their own needs and bias.

    Very well put.
  • 10nacityLex
    10nacityLex Posts: 16 Member
    I totally agree! This sounds to me that all it has been is a 4yr weekend booty call. Move on...
  • butterfli7o
    butterfli7o Posts: 1,319 Member
    From all of this, all I can gather is you are really not a priority - if after four years you're not seeing/talking to each other at all during the week and not sleeping over at all. You are practically leading completely separate lives during the week. I don't know - it doesn't sound like it's what you want anymore. If you're okay with it, great. If you're not, you should move on. I know I would not be happy at all in this situation, but that's just me.
  • just_Jennie1
    just_Jennie1 Posts: 1,233
    This isn't a boyfriend. It's a booty call.

    That's what it feels like! We do shop together on the weekend, go out to eat, movies, etc... and he always comes to my house because he works out of his house and likes to get out. We actually have a nice time but I do feel at times that it's a booty call or I'm a part time girlfriend.

    If he always goes to your house then all signs point to him being married, especially if there are no "sleepovers".
  • moosegt35
    moosegt35 Posts: 1,296 Member
    The paranoia in this thread is hilarious. The guy is probably busy and shouldn't be committed to a relationship. Break up with him or accept that you are not his priority. It all depends on what you want with your life.

    No one is too busy to send a text or make a call to their GF of 4 years.
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
    Hey, he has to have time with his wife and kids during the week, right? But seriously, it sounds like you want a lower level of connectedness than most people would think of as normal, so the fact that you have a guy who is ok with that is a feat in and of itself. I'd quit while I was ahead in your case.
  • David_AUS
    David_AUS Posts: 298 Member
    Are you getting what you want from the relationship? It sounds to me like you are searching for this answer and this is normal and healthy. In my experience people don't intrinsically change but they are always re-adjusting their values. I get the impression that you have had a change in what you want from this relationship, get clear in your head what you want and move towards it. There is likely a degree of comfort in your current arrangements for both of you - you are now ready to challenge this - be prepared that a change will be either with him in the future or it may be with his absence temporarily or permanently. You need to be OK with either outcome because you are working towards what you truly want - Not from a place of comfort or familiarity, not from a place of dependency. It sounds like you are ready to spread your wings and start to do things your way.
  • David_AUS
    David_AUS Posts: 298 Member
    Remember if he chooses to lose your friendship - his life can be richer with you....

    3a8daff82e4999dcbe52ea1ca4e72cf4_view.jpg

    ..or less rich without you!
  • beckyboooo87x
    beckyboooo87x Posts: 173 Member
    Maybe he has a bit on the side...
  • Sag2015
    Sag2015 Posts: 88
    I spoke with him and I got my answer.....

    He wants to know why he has to contact me every day. Kinda hurts but whatever.
    Well, you want him to contact you everyday and he didn't want to.

    Why do you want him to contact you everyday? If you want to talk, call him. This isn't high school, this is adulthood.

    My beau and I love talking to each other everyday we are apart, mostly via Face time, but that's just us. However, if we skip a day or two, it's no big deal. Our relationship is stable and we love and trust each other.

    I do contact him but if I don't he won't contact me. He can probably go 1-2 days without any contact. Maybe it's insecurity on my part.
  • Sag2015
    Sag2015 Posts: 88
    The paranoia in this thread is hilarious. The guy is probably busy and shouldn't be committed to a relationship. Break up with him or accept that you are not his priority. It all depends on what you want with your life.

    No one is too busy to send a text or make a call to their GF of 4 years.

    Are you sticking up for me?? :huh: :wink:
  • Sag2015
    Sag2015 Posts: 88
    I wish I could thank each of you individually but then I would never get my *kitten* to work.

    Thank you all :flowerforyou:
  • arrseegee
    arrseegee Posts: 575 Member
    This isn't a boyfriend. It's a booty call.

    This. Drop him.

    From past experience even if it kind of feels like a relationship from your end if he is acting like this there is no hope you can change things and you're better to get out now before it hurts you even more.
  • RyanJK85
    RyanJK85 Posts: 580 Member
    been said before...sounds like hes married :huh:
  • arrseegee
    arrseegee Posts: 575 Member
    Just my observations....if he has a child from a previous relationship and he has asked you to spend time with him and his son, he most definitely wants you to be a part of his life. If you have declined repeatedly, then he has gotten the message that you want no part of his child, nor do you want to get to know him. Please understand that if he is a committed father, part of a relationship with him, will include developing a relationship of some kind with his child. If you don't want that, then he has to "compartmentalize" his relationship with you to the time he does not have his son. It seems to me that you have already drawn a line around blocks of your time that are off limits to him, yet you want him to respond to your texts during that time and are unhappy if he does not. My sense is that if you are not already in counseling, that you get to a counselor as soon as possible. I think the current state of the relationship is a result of your boundaries, not his and the fact that you are trying to manipulate his behavior when he is not with you, is a sign that you have some issues that need to be worked out in counseling. I sincerely hope that you do this if you want to continue this relationship especially since a child is involved.

    His "child" is 27 years old, great guy, we're even FB friends. Has nothing to do with him or wanting to spend time with him. I've gone over it a million times in this thread. I know it's a pain to read the whole thread.

    In short.... It's not going to work between us.

    Just saw this. Well done! Find yourself a boyfriend who loves you so much he can't stop contacting you.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    I wish I could thank each of you individually but then I would never get my *kitten* to work.

    Thank you all :flowerforyou:

    so you've dumped him?
  • Sag2015
    Sag2015 Posts: 88
    I wish I could thank each of you individually but then I would never get my *kitten* to work.

    Thank you all :flowerforyou:

    so you've dumped him?

    Yes.

    I needed a break anyway. Time to figure out what I want in life.

    You know when you first begin a relationship and you can't keep your hands off one another and you want to see each other as much as possible? Well, we never had that. Not even in the beginning.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member

    You know when you first begin a relationship and you can't keep your hands off one another and you want to see each other as much as possible? Well, we never had that. Not even in the beginning.

    thats just sad.... :ohwell:
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    I wish I could thank each of you individually but then I would never get my *kitten* to work.

    Thank you all :flowerforyou:

    so you've dumped him?

    Yes.

    I needed a break anyway. Time to figure out what I want in life.

    You know when you first begin a relationship and you can't keep your hands off one another and you want to see each other as much as possible? Well, we never had that. Not even in the beginning.
    Coming up on 3 years with my girlfriend, and that last part is more true than ever. If we'd never had that, I can't imagine we would've been together 3 months, let alone 4 years.
  • Greytfish
    Greytfish Posts: 810
    Is this behavior acceptable to you?

    That's really the only question you should be asking. It either works for you or it doesn't. If it doesn't, move on and find something else that does.

    Anything you get out of this thread will be pure speculation and/or people's opinions based on their own needs and bias.

    This.

    Maybe he's married. Maybe he's living with someone. Maybe he's playing the field. Maybe he's keeping you areound until he finds someone he wants full time. It really doesn't matter. If this relationship isn't giving you what you want out of it and you've broached the topic and been met with someothing other than understanding and compromise, you really should move on to a relationship that does meet your needs/desires.
  • soldiergrl_101
    soldiergrl_101 Posts: 2,205 Member
    Sounds like a booty call on his end or you guys are in a rut, move on a good relationship should make you both excited to see and hear from each other and you clearly are not
  • nikki0753
    nikki0753 Posts: 383 Member
    Sounds like a booty call on his end or you guys are in a rut, move on a good relationship should make you both excited to see and hear from each other and you clearly are not

    yeah it sounds like your in a rut. i think he's just got too comfortable with the arrangement.
    it doesnt necessarily mean he has a double life/cheating etc... everyone is different maybe he just likes a lot of space.
    But what everyone else thinks doesnt matter, if you're not happy with it, tell him. if he doesnt want to change it, then u know what to do.
  • bigbarnold
    bigbarnold Posts: 2,554 Member
    I wish I could thank each of you individually but then I would never get my *kitten* to work.

    Thank you all :flowerforyou:

    so you've dumped him?

    Yes.

    I needed a break anyway. Time to figure out what I want in life.

    You know when you first begin a relationship and you can't keep your hands off one another and you want to see each other as much as possible? Well, we never had that. Not even in the beginning.
    You deserve someone who feels like they can't live without you and someone who treats you like that! I know you will find it, just don't settle for someone that last guy!
  • Trishsimon
    Trishsimon Posts: 129
    It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too. When you live alone for a long time, you kinda enjoy it.

    However, I never hear from him during the week. Rarely will he give me a call at lunch, never in the evening. Sometimes we will email or IM but not often. I never get a good morning from him or good night ... even via text. Nothing. I think he would be just fine with not talking to me Monday through Thursday.

    I don't contact him anymore either because I am tired of always making the first move.

    We've discussed it but he thinks I overreact.

    Am I over reacting?

    No just dump him !
    I had that too and after months of it I got sick of it my ex was a tad bit tight on the money side of things too and he actually had my name on a calender on the wall for when he was seeing me, I split from him and some months later met my husband.
    He is either married or seeing someone else and tells them he is working on weekend when he sees you.
    Get rid of him he is wasting your time.
  • moosegt35
    moosegt35 Posts: 1,296 Member
    The paranoia in this thread is hilarious. The guy is probably busy and shouldn't be committed to a relationship. Break up with him or accept that you are not his priority. It all depends on what you want with your life.

    No one is too busy to send a text or make a call to their GF of 4 years.

    Are you sticking up for me?? :huh: :wink:

    No, just debunking that silly argument that the man is too busy all week to spend 30 seconds on a text or 2 minutes for a phone call. If that's the case the guy doesn't have time to eat, sleep or use the restroom either.

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