Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?

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Blc281
Blc281 Posts: 1
in Motivation and Support
I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.

I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.

I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.

Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!

***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
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Replies

  • SharonNehring
    SharonNehring Posts: 535 Member
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    I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's easy for us to tell you what to do but only you know the details of your relationship and can make the final decision. That said, I'd drop him like a hot potato. A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time. Just my opinion.
  • Finding_me3
    Finding_me3 Posts: 19
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    I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's easy for us to tell you what to do but only you know the details of your relationship and can make the final decision. That said, I'd drop him like a hot potato. A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time. Just my opinion.
    I could not agree more! Only you know what you are feeling. But if someone only will marry you because you reach your goal weight does not seem very loving. For example, will he tell you how much weight to lose after you have a baby or how much weight is appropriate to gain? I AM NOT HATING on him at all, just trying to bring it to your attention! Good luck :)
  • action_figure
    action_figure Posts: 511 Member
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    No, absolutely not. Your body is yours. He loves you, or he does not, he does not get to dictate to you what you weigh. He's a control freak and an *kitten*, imho.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
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    That's pretty effed up. Why does he need/want you to be some special weight to marry you? That doesn't seem very loving or supportive. I don't normally say this kinda thing but...seriously? Dump him! This is emotional blackmail at best, and emotional abuse at worse.

    And again, I'm not normally one to say such things

    If my husband had waited til I was at goal to marry me I still wouldn't be married instead of coming up on two years.
  • SunnyinAZ2
    SunnyinAZ2 Posts: 2 Member
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    A man who cannot accept you for who you are is not worth spending the rest of your life with! However hard it may be to leave him, you will be better off finding someone who loves you for who you are and not what you weigh!!
  • KariOrtiz2014
    KariOrtiz2014 Posts: 343 Member
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    Doesn't sound like love. But only you know that.
  • NaomiJFoster
    NaomiJFoster Posts: 1,450 Member
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    My first gut reaction is that he seems to care more about how you look that who you are. In that case, I'd question if he's the one that I really want to commit to for my life.

    But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.
  • rheinrich17
    rheinrich17 Posts: 8 Member
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    I agree. By all means, lose the weight if YOU want to. But remember that it is your choice - both on working towards weight loss and choosing a relationship partner. I think (knowing nothing of the details but based on some past horrible relationships that I've had) you would probably have an easier time losing weight with a more loving and supportive partner. Best of luck!!! Whatever you choose, I hope it all works out as your best scenario.
  • janupshaw
    janupshaw Posts: 205 Member
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    So, say you make it to your goal weight and get married...will your entire marriage consist of him monitoring your weight? Imagine him telling you you've had enough pasta, or you can't have ice cream, or asking you if you've exercised today. Is that how you want to live? He needs to find a thin person, and you need to find someone who loves you for YOU.
  • klkateri
    klkateri Posts: 432 Member
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    Is your SO having any weight issues of his own or did he in his past?

    I know my own SO can be that way but it's just him putting his weight issue on me by putting off marriage. I know that in his heart and by what he's said he doesn't care about my weight (even though he's drop some dumb comments here and there about weight and waiting to get married) But it's really him putting it off because of HIS weight and not wanting to be 300+ at his own wedding.

    Could maybe something like that be going on?!
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
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    NO
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
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    The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    That's not a good basis to a marriage.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
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    The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.

    We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.


    That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
  • EHisCDN
    EHisCDN Posts: 480 Member
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    This sounds like such a horrible situation for you. I'd say if he won't marry you until you reach a certain weight then he really isn't seeing the full picture (the many other reasons to love someone other than their weight).
    Follow your gut, you know the situation better than anyone else. My gut is telling me you should dump him. Without him putting pressure on you, you might find it easier to lose weight. And if that's the case then you know you did it for yourself and not to please someone else!
  • ThickMcRunFast
    ThickMcRunFast Posts: 22,511 Member
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    Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...

    ...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.
  • IIIIISerenityNowIIIII
    IIIIISerenityNowIIIII Posts: 425 Member
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    He doesn't want to get married. Cut your losses and move on. When you find the man you are to marry, he will do anything possible to marry you. Look for THAT guy. This one you have has been stringing you along long enough.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
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    The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.

    We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.


    That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.

    Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...

    ...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.

    Add me to the list.


    If it's like this NOW, how is it going to be when you're pregnant, or when the two of you are going through a rough patch? Nopenopenope. Cut your losses while there's time.
  • LankyYankee
    LankyYankee Posts: 260 Member
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    If someone can not love and accept you for who you are regardless of how you look that probably isn't the person you should be making a lifetime commitment to.

    Only you know your relationship but this does not come across well. Perhaps the issue is with his concern for your health and if that is the case, then IMHO your communication and his seeming need to control need some serious work.

    Either way it does not sound like your relationship is in a place to make that kind of a commitment. Perhaps you should spend some time figuring out what you want for you whethe or not that relationship continues and go from there

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