Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?

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  • CaptJackDaniels
    CaptJackDaniels Posts: 44 Member
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    My rec? Find a therapist. I'm not saying that to degrade you. I'm saying that because my heart goes out to you, and if you were in front of me I'd hug you and cry with you and beg you to get more help than I or anyone on this board can offer. Before you can even think about fixing a relationship that might or might not be worth fixing, fix everything else, for yourself. Give yourself time to heal and change and grow and be who you want to and are meant to be... then talk about a relationship.

    Best of luck with everything.

    ^ And this is super sound.
  • shellydd
    shellydd Posts: 156 Member
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    Several questions:

    why 130?
    I'm trying to offer advice/words of wisdom for all the angles and I can't come up a nice way to say.......I don't think he's a very kind person. If he wants to give you a motivational goal.....this is not the way to do it. Marriage is about love and commitment thru the highs and lows. through THICK and THIN. what's going to happen if you re-gain lost weight? Do you want to put yourself in that emotional turmoil? Living in fear you might lose a man because of your weight? And also.....lose the weight for Y-O-U!!
  • jac_84
    jac_84 Posts: 128 Member
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    kick him to the curb is what I say!
    who does he think he is?
    Sounds like you would be much better off without hun!!
    best wishes to ya! <3
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.

    I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.

    I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.

    Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!

    ***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***

    Ok, I'm sure you've gotten more than enough feedback from this post... probably more than you wanted, even. But, contrary to my nature, I'm going to give you just two more cents.

    It sounds to me like you have so much more going on than relationship issues and weight issues. It sounds like stress and grief and HUGE lifestyle changes and sacrifice and... so many things that compound until we can't see anything clearly anymore. I know. I've been there. Please, please, please know that when everything gets fuzzy and you choose one thing to focus on to try and fix it all, you'll still have everything else to deal with.

    My rec? Find a therapist. I'm not saying that to degrade you. I'm saying that because my heart goes out to you, and if you were in front of me I'd hug you and cry with you and beg you to get more help than I or anyone on this board can offer. Before you can even think about fixing a relationship that might or might not be worth fixing, fix everything else, for yourself. Give yourself time to heal and change and grow and be who you want to and are meant to be... then talk about a relationship.

    Best of luck with everything.
    I totally agree with this....well said. I was just trying to answer the question....lol. But very good advice.
  • kenthepainter
    kenthepainter Posts: 195 Member
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    So if you get to 130 and he will marry you. If you gain , at what weight does he file for a divorce ? Marriage should be based on unconditional love not a numbers game.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
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    If he's like this in the courtship phase, what will he do when the bloom is really off the rose?
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,139 Member
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    definitely not true love..ditch the fool and save yourself years of pain and aggravation and regret..

    end thread/
  • chesnity3
    chesnity3 Posts: 960 Member
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    Move on, he doesn't deserve to love you at no weight.
  • Happilynaked
    Happilynaked Posts: 19
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    I believe you did not have to ask anyone for their opinion because you know it's wrong. You are struggling with truth because you are in love. If you achieve that goal and get married, you will forever be in bondage. Marriage is about unconditional love and when its approached like a contractual agreement depression will prevail... That's just my thought hmmmmmm!
  • jbugiel
    jbugiel Posts: 59 Member
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    Normally I'd stay out of this type of thing. But I just had to say, WTF???
    Hey honey, I'll marry you, but not until you meet my weight goals.... HOLY CRAP. I'm overweight and my wife married me, and she's 4'10" and weighed like 80 lbs. when we got married. We're going on 20 years this year in June and we would NEVER put a weight goal for each other, that's just ridiculous. If he loves you, he loves you and will marry you for you. Otherwise, tell him to hit the road and then work on getting yourself how you want you to be. Along that path, you'll probably find many people to pass the time with and hopefully find that one that truely makes you happy, and vice versa.

    Ok, off my preaching box now, but it had to be done. :P
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member
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    If you have to ask this question in a public forum, then you shouldn't be marrying anyone. Especially this guy.

    Marry someone that loves you the way you look right now. That way you'll know that he won't leave you when you get pregnant/old/sick because he decides you're no longer attractive enough (for his stupid, sorry *kitten*).

    Good luck, OP. :flowerforyou:
  • missbp
    missbp Posts: 601 Member
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    I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with. Losing folks you care about and your job to boot, is over the top stressful. It's no wonder that you are having a hard time losing weight.

    Most importantly, you deserve to be cherished and loved. No matter what size you are. A partner that truly loves YOU, would want to support you and build you up during times like this. I don't know your finance' at all, but he doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

    Good luck to you on your journey. And no matter what you decided to do about your relationship, believe in yourself!
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
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    If he is generally supportive of you and just wants to be sure you can make a commitment and stick to it, then you need to try harder.

    I am going to answer this seriously because it seems like you meant it seriously:

    Even if he wants to be sure of her ability to make commitments, and even if he has her best interests at heart, the way he is going about this is so incredibly effed-up and abusive that he needs to learn to be a human being before he inflicts himself on someone else.
  • gypsyGIRL159
    gypsyGIRL159 Posts: 78 Member
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    Well..... I see it this way - whatever he weighs DROP HIM AND YOU WILL BE LOSING DEAD WEIGHT. You must take care of YOU...... You deserve happiness, and true love. Love should be UNCONDITIONAL. Please listen to your heart of hearts..... DO NOT MARRY ANY BODY WHO PUTS RIGID, COLD CONDITIONS ON YOU. :flowerforyou:

    SERIOUSLY - YOUR BODY AND THIS MAN ARE BOTH TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. PLEASE LISTEN.

    MARRIAGE IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT STARTING OUT LIKE THAT.

    BE WISE. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM. BE STRONG. YOU WILL NEVER FIT INTO HIS BOX...... BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE FOR ONLY YOU - NOT SOME COLD CALCULATING MAN.
  • laughingdani
    laughingdani Posts: 2,275 Member
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    If he's not willing to marry you today, at the weight you are, then he doesn't deserve to be in your life.
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
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    IMHO If any man told me I had to weigh __ or else he wouldn't marry me would have to be dumped.

    The only man that could say you have to loose weight bc you will develop __ to me is my doctor bc it's for my own good.

    I'm sorry I wouldn't take that crap from anyone.
  • TIDDYBEARR
    TIDDYBEARR Posts: 2
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    *I* (being married 40 years in June) would NOT marry a man that can't accept me for myself! I agree with the person that said she would drop him like a hot potato.
  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
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    "Change ___________ about yourself or I won't marry you."

    Nope. Nuh uh. Sorry. No way.
  • Sharon_C
    Sharon_C Posts: 2,132 Member
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    I just read this article, then read your thread. I think you need to read this. THIS is the type of man you want and need. Not the one you have.

    http://www.wlwt.com/health/Wife-drops-100-pounds-to-surprise-Army-hubby/25011622?utm_source=hootsuite&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=wlwt5

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