Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
Replies
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My rec? Find a therapist. I'm not saying that to degrade you. I'm saying that because my heart goes out to you, and if you were in front of me I'd hug you and cry with you and beg you to get more help than I or anyone on this board can offer. Before you can even think about fixing a relationship that might or might not be worth fixing, fix everything else, for yourself. Give yourself time to heal and change and grow and be who you want to and are meant to be... then talk about a relationship.
Best of luck with everything.
^ And this is super sound.0 -
Several questions:
why 130?
I'm trying to offer advice/words of wisdom for all the angles and I can't come up a nice way to say.......I don't think he's a very kind person. If he wants to give you a motivational goal.....this is not the way to do it. Marriage is about love and commitment thru the highs and lows. through THICK and THIN. what's going to happen if you re-gain lost weight? Do you want to put yourself in that emotional turmoil? Living in fear you might lose a man because of your weight? And also.....lose the weight for Y-O-U!!0 -
kick him to the curb is what I say!
who does he think he is?
Sounds like you would be much better off without hun!!
best wishes to ya!
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I totally agree with this....well said. I was just trying to answer the question....lol. But very good advice.I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!
***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
Ok, I'm sure you've gotten more than enough feedback from this post... probably more than you wanted, even. But, contrary to my nature, I'm going to give you just two more cents.
It sounds to me like you have so much more going on than relationship issues and weight issues. It sounds like stress and grief and HUGE lifestyle changes and sacrifice and... so many things that compound until we can't see anything clearly anymore. I know. I've been there. Please, please, please know that when everything gets fuzzy and you choose one thing to focus on to try and fix it all, you'll still have everything else to deal with.
My rec? Find a therapist. I'm not saying that to degrade you. I'm saying that because my heart goes out to you, and if you were in front of me I'd hug you and cry with you and beg you to get more help than I or anyone on this board can offer. Before you can even think about fixing a relationship that might or might not be worth fixing, fix everything else, for yourself. Give yourself time to heal and change and grow and be who you want to and are meant to be... then talk about a relationship.
Best of luck with everything.0 -
So if you get to 130 and he will marry you. If you gain , at what weight does he file for a divorce ? Marriage should be based on unconditional love not a numbers game.0
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If he's like this in the courtship phase, what will he do when the bloom is really off the rose?0
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definitely not true love..ditch the fool and save yourself years of pain and aggravation and regret..
end thread/0 -
Move on, he doesn't deserve to love you at no weight.0
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I believe you did not have to ask anyone for their opinion because you know it's wrong. You are struggling with truth because you are in love. If you achieve that goal and get married, you will forever be in bondage. Marriage is about unconditional love and when its approached like a contractual agreement depression will prevail... That's just my thought hmmmmmm!0
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Normally I'd stay out of this type of thing. But I just had to say, WTF???
Hey honey, I'll marry you, but not until you meet my weight goals.... HOLY CRAP. I'm overweight and my wife married me, and she's 4'10" and weighed like 80 lbs. when we got married. We're going on 20 years this year in June and we would NEVER put a weight goal for each other, that's just ridiculous. If he loves you, he loves you and will marry you for you. Otherwise, tell him to hit the road and then work on getting yourself how you want you to be. Along that path, you'll probably find many people to pass the time with and hopefully find that one that truely makes you happy, and vice versa.
Ok, off my preaching box now, but it had to be done. :P0 -
If you have to ask this question in a public forum, then you shouldn't be marrying anyone. Especially this guy.
Marry someone that loves you the way you look right now. That way you'll know that he won't leave you when you get pregnant/old/sick because he decides you're no longer attractive enough (for his stupid, sorry *kitten*).
Good luck, OP. :flowerforyou:0 -
I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with. Losing folks you care about and your job to boot, is over the top stressful. It's no wonder that you are having a hard time losing weight.
Most importantly, you deserve to be cherished and loved. No matter what size you are. A partner that truly loves YOU, would want to support you and build you up during times like this. I don't know your finance' at all, but he doesn't sound like a keeper to me.
Good luck to you on your journey. And no matter what you decided to do about your relationship, believe in yourself!0 -
If he is generally supportive of you and just wants to be sure you can make a commitment and stick to it, then you need to try harder.
I am going to answer this seriously because it seems like you meant it seriously:
Even if he wants to be sure of her ability to make commitments, and even if he has her best interests at heart, the way he is going about this is so incredibly effed-up and abusive that he needs to learn to be a human being before he inflicts himself on someone else.0 -
Well..... I see it this way - whatever he weighs DROP HIM AND YOU WILL BE LOSING DEAD WEIGHT. You must take care of YOU...... You deserve happiness, and true love. Love should be UNCONDITIONAL. Please listen to your heart of hearts..... DO NOT MARRY ANY BODY WHO PUTS RIGID, COLD CONDITIONS ON YOU. :flowerforyou:
SERIOUSLY - YOUR BODY AND THIS MAN ARE BOTH TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. PLEASE LISTEN.
MARRIAGE IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT STARTING OUT LIKE THAT.
BE WISE. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM. BE STRONG. YOU WILL NEVER FIT INTO HIS BOX...... BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE FOR ONLY YOU - NOT SOME COLD CALCULATING MAN.0 -
If he's not willing to marry you today, at the weight you are, then he doesn't deserve to be in your life.0
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IMHO If any man told me I had to weigh __ or else he wouldn't marry me would have to be dumped.
The only man that could say you have to loose weight bc you will develop __ to me is my doctor bc it's for my own good.
I'm sorry I wouldn't take that crap from anyone.0 -
*I* (being married 40 years in June) would NOT marry a man that can't accept me for myself! I agree with the person that said she would drop him like a hot potato.0
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"Change ___________ about yourself or I won't marry you."
Nope. Nuh uh. Sorry. No way.0 -
I just read this article, then read your thread. I think you need to read this. THIS is the type of man you want and need. Not the one you have.
http://www.wlwt.com/health/Wife-drops-100-pounds-to-surprise-Army-hubby/25011622?utm_source=hootsuite&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=wlwt50 -
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Honestly you should be losing weight for YOURSELF...not for someone else. And on top of it he will only marry you if you hit 130? Kick his sorry azz to the curb! You don't need someone like that in your life! Put yourself first.0
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You're the only person who can make this decision, but since you've asked the opinions of people in a public forum, I feel comfortable putting in my two cents worth.
ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP!
You say you've put weight back on because you've been dealing with a lot of stress in the last four months…and his response is to impose a condition on marriage? Thereby creating more stress? I won't comment about his character because I don't know him, but his actions would imply that this is not a good match for you.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.0 -
Don't marry the man. Like someone else said once you reach your goal he will find something else wrong with you.
**Something about these OP's with 1 post then never heard from again. Doesn't answer any questions and ditches their own thread. I could be wrong. We will see.0 -
I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's easy for us to tell you what to do but only you know the details of your relationship and can make the final decision. That said, I'd drop him like a hot potato. A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time. Just my opinion.
He's a douche...lose him. You are worth so much more than this. If he's treating you this way now, then how is he going to treat you once you're married? No, sweetie this is NOT (Underscored and italic) right! This is very WRONG! Look at it this way...you will lose (enter fiances weight here) pounds instantly.0 -
Just break up.
And also your status to "single."0 -
Wondering if his demand is cultural....0
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I don't know if I'm buying all this on face value. I fully admit I might be wrong, but there are a lot of signs in the OP post of someone who gravitates to extrinsic explanations for personal woes instead of looking inward. Seriously, this post was so clearly meant as a character assassination of the boyfriend it's almost hard to not see that bit as a need to build on tail of woes and play the victim. I can't help but wonder if the original post is more about someone looking for vindication that her life is so tough, that it's not her fault that she regained the weight, and that others are just not being understanding enough.
Also, I've never heard of someone in their 20's needing skin removal surgery after losing just 40 lbs after starting well over 200. I'm not going to say impossible, but it again seems like something's missing in this picture.0 -
Like Cindig, I was underweight when I met my husband (amazing metabolism). I hit menopause and gained 30 lbs. He never said a word when I was skinny or about the weight gain. He tells me I am beautiful every day even though I know I need to lose weight and get in shape. He has cancer and has lost lots of weight...all I care about is his health and not his weight. He does support me by hiding the twinkles all over the house, lol. But I asked him to hide his junk food from me. Does he tell you he wants to take you out and show you off to his friends? Does he put pictures of you on FB saying, "Look at my beautiful girlfriend"?. These are things that let me know my husband still finds me hot even with the weight gain. You are so young ...I'd start looking around for a man who can love your curves.0
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You know in your heart what the answer to your question is
Pay attention to all of the red flags, this is not the only one
Live your life for YOU. Love yourself as you are right now
I am sorry for you losses. Take the time to grieve and know that it is okay to think of yourself first
HUGS0 -
Do you really want spend the rest of your life obsessing about your weight?
Do you want a man whose partnership is conditional upon your weight?
There is a difference between concern for health and just plain being a controlling *kitten*.
If he won't marry you now because of your weight, once you lose the weight it will be another reason.
I gained forty pounds since starting to date my guy two years ago, and I am almost back at the weight I was then,
But his response when I mentioned feeling bad about my weight?
"Darlin' you can lose, you can gain, but I want you to be healthy. I don't care what size you are, you are sexy small and sexy bigger, but I do want you to eat healthy and exercise. What you weigh is up to you, but just be healthy with whatever you decide "
THAT actually got me up off my butt and I started losing again. I realized I wanted to do it for me. The added confidence that he would like me no matter what? That made it easier. I had one less thing to stress about and one less reason to eat my feelings. Your partner should build you up, not tear you down.
It's your decision what you do, but please try to consider whether that is really a healthy relationship or not. Trying to control your weight is a warning sign for abuse. Please please think carefully before you marry this man. If he feels he can control something as intimate as what you weigh before you are even married, what else do you think he will try to control once you are married?0
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