Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?

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  • perfectlymental
    perfectlymental Posts: 1
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    Back in 1990, I married a man just like the one your talking about. I had red flags warning much like this but didn't heed them. Within two years, the mental (controlling and isolating) abuse turned physical and I became another statistic for domestic abuse. Please heed the warning signs.. run don't walk as far far away from this man as you can.
  • LeslieB042812
    LeslieB042812 Posts: 1,799 Member
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    Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...

    ...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.

    Add me to the list.


    If it's like this NOW, how is it going to be when you're pregnant, or when the two of you are going through a rough patch? Nopenopenope. Cut your losses while there's time.

    Yep. I was in a relationship like this in my 20's. It does not change...trust me. In my case, I lost the weight & he just found something else to be dissatisfied over. People like this do not change.

    ^^^^Yes! I've had this sort of relationship (not the same ultimatum but the dissatisfaction) and it doesn't get better. I am so happy that my husband married me when I was my max weight because I am confident that he won't be unhappy with me in the future--it only gets better from there! You are young and when we're young we don't realize how much better we can hope for. Take it from someone who's been there and now is in a much better place--there is better out there! And, being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

    My vote: lose weight AND no wedding. Good luck!
  • rowlandsw
    rowlandsw Posts: 1,166 Member
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    I'd say kick him to the curb as he has a controlling personality from the sounds of it. Worrying about your other's weight for health reasons is one thing but this is more like a control issue. Get out while the getting is good. Keep on losing but for yourself not because he's holding the wedding hostage.
  • ironrat79
    ironrat79 Posts: 273 Member
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    red flag!
  • lsapphire
    lsapphire Posts: 297 Member
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    To me the question is: Does he love You or an image in his head? Praying for you.
  • Fab30s
    Fab30s Posts: 157 Member
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    The way I see it, if you stress out about getting into a body shape he wants, that will pretty much set the tone for your marriage. Your entire marriage will involve you bending backwards to please him. That is not love and that would not be a happy marriage. You are still young, explore, find yourself, and by no means feel like any one person other than you holds the key to your happiness. Sorry about your losses. If you need to be home with your family for a while, go on home and do that. But whatever you decide to do, you need to focus on loving yourself first and healing your soul.
  • Phildog47
    Phildog47 Posts: 255 Member
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    I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.

    I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.

    I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.

    Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!

    ***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***

    Love is UNCONDITIONAL. Find a new BF
  • Ang108
    Ang108 Posts: 1,711 Member
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    Get rid of him...he is not worth it !
    The other thing that perplexes me is the fact that you had cosmetic surgery to get rid of exess skin at that stage in weight loss. Are you planning to have it again ? Because if you chose to get to goal or close ( of course by your own choice and not through blackmail by your fiancé ) you would lose another 75 pounds ( one and a half time of what you lost ). But maybe and sadly that was a decision you had to make because of the man in your life.
    Please, reconsider marrying such a controlling person....you deserve to be happy !
    Good Luck !
  • s1rens0ng
    s1rens0ng Posts: 127 Member
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    Is he saying that to encourage you because he knows how bad you want to reach your target weight ?
  • motivatedmartha
    motivatedmartha Posts: 1,108 Member
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    I have been married for 36 years and all I can say is that, as a general rule, as one gets to my age, most of us lose our beauty, figure etc. Child bearing, child rearing etc etc all take their toll - if you're fiance doesn't think you're beautiful enough to want to marry you now, today, then he will not think you beautiful enough to stay with when you're both knocking on the door of 60!!! Support and encouragement are one thing - wanting you to lose weight for yourself and your health is a good thing - wanting a slim bride or nothing is something else. Only you can decide whether he is doing this cos he thinks that will motivate you to be happier or whether he's just a selfish pr--k!

    Good luck - lose weight, if that's what you want, for you and no-one else:flowerforyou:
  • MsTru2U
    MsTru2U Posts: 119 Member
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    Sing it with me........to the left..to the left......

    ^^This!!!!
    Clearly, this is NOT love; Love has no "conditions"
  • minky_r
    minky_r Posts: 95 Member
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    too upset to comment...praying for you to have the courage to kick his *kitten* out!, for you to have confidence that you deserve to be happy...because you are amazing...just the way you are:):flowerforyou:
  • rondaj05
    rondaj05 Posts: 497 Member
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    I did not read all the replies... all I have to say is H E L L no... no way I would marry this man. :explode:
  • ImpishVanity
    ImpishVanity Posts: 224 Member
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    I don't know anything about your relationship, so I won't comment on that - only you can decide what's best in that department.

    What I DO know is that if you aren't losing weight for YOU, then it won't happen. It just won't. It doesn't matter what the consequences are to not lose weight. I'm speaking from experience. It doesn't matter how much you want it or how terrible life will be if you don't reach your goals, if you aren't doing it for YOU then you simply won't do it.

    So just relax, assess what you want and what you care about. Try to learn to love the body you're in, regardless if you end up wanting to change it. If you don't start from a positive place mentally, then you're setting yourself up for failure.

    Good luck
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
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    Yeah, I'd be kicking his *kitten* to the curb. If you love someone it shouldn't be conditional on what they weigh. It's a whole package.
  • SamanthaD1218
    SamanthaD1218 Posts: 304 Member
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    My first gut reaction is that he seems to care more about how you look that who you are. In that case, I'd question if he's the one that I really want to commit to for my life.

    But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.

    I'm wondering about this, too. I know that when I'm upset and emotional, I sometimes respond to things more negatively than I would normally. If someone says to me, "I'm worried about your health" and I'm having a bad day, I sometimes just hear "you're fat and gross."

    Like many people here have said, only YOU know what your fiance is trying to tell you. If he's truly telling you that he won't marry you until you are a certain weight and look a certain way, I think that you know what you need to do. But is he really saying that? If you've always been overweight and he's been with you for 5 years, I have to wonder whether he's just concerned about your physical and mental well-being. Maybe he sees how hurt you are right now and he doesn't want to start a marriage until you are in a better place (physically AND emotionally - we all know how the two can play off each other).

    It sounds like you are in a really rough spot and need more help than just losing weight. I'd recommend having an open an honest conversation with him about what he wants and what you need, and maybe consider seeing a professional to talk things over with.

    Good luck <3
  • megantischner
    megantischner Posts: 85 Member
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    Agreed. Sounds like he's setting you up for failure. That is a HUGE amount he wants to lose, and even with steady weight loss (at a healthy rate), would probably take a couple years to achieve. Sounds like he's looking for a way out so it's "your fault" instead of his for calling things off.

    And even if you go through with it, what happens if you regain some weight? Would he threaten to divorce you if you don't lose it pronto?

    Drop him.
  • kethry70
    kethry70 Posts: 404 Member
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    I didn't read the whole thread so I apologize if I am repeating...

    Sounds to me like he doesn't actually want to marry you and has found a way to make the failed engagement your fault. He is building his out.

    Someone who puts that kind of condition on your marriage doesn't sound very committed to me and I would never trust that he wouldn't run for cover at the first sign of "for worse"

    But only you can make the final call
  • Veronnie87
    Veronnie87 Posts: 40 Member
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    I'll echo a lot of the comments here...none of us know the details of your relationship.
    That being said, I'll give you the same advice I gave a friend who was in a similar situation to you. Don't ever marry someone for who you would like them be (thinner, blonder, less vulgar, more educated, etc.). You marry someone who you accept AS THEY ARE. This goes both ways. Of course he might want you to be more careful with yourself and your health, but then he needs to find a much better way of saying it. What he is doing is manipulating you and do you really want to spend the rest of your married life under threat of him leaving you because you're having a hard time shaking the baby weight or you've put on a few pounds for any number of other reasons? It's unfair of him to dangle the wedding like it's a treat if you're a good girl and lose weight for him.
    Trust me, beauty is in every body type and you deserve someone who gets that and makes you feel like the sexy, beautiful woman that you are.
  • megsmom2
    megsmom2 Posts: 2,362 Member
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    drop him like a hot rock and kick him to the curb. anyone who loves YOU wouldn't put conditions like that on you.

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