Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
Replies
-
Oh, I...I mean, I just...wow. How can that be love?
Of course it's your life, but you asked, so...no, it's not right, not at all. This is not how love is. Love is bringing out the best in your partner, in helping them be the best they can be without judgement or conditions, and loving them fat, thin or with a giant hairy wart.
Marrying this guy will kill your self esteem for good. If I don't know what a "junk" is (???), but I'll settle for suggesting that he go find himself someone else who is prepared to sacrifice her entire self worth to accommodate for his own needs. F that dude.0 -
has anyone noticed that this is the op's first post and that shes hasnt come back to the thread. just a troll thought.0
-
Your marriage isn't going to last. You should stop it before it gets that far, and be single for a while.0
-
I have been in a similar situation .... and personally I dumped him. In my case I have an emotional eating habit and the added emotional/mental stress of trying to make myself what he wanted me to be led me down a very very dark path. I decided enough was enough. Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them for who they are not what they look like. Someone to be supportive and help them through the ups and the downs. Not someone who tells them that they aren't worth it right now .... but they might be someday. There is a difference between wanting you to make better choices/being healthy and being malicious and controlling.
You need to decide what is good for you ... not what is good for him or for others. What will make you happy? What do you want out of life? And is this relationship worth your health (emotionally, mentally and physically)? Just remember .... You ARE worth it and you DO deserve happiness.0 -
has anyone noticed that this is the op's first post and that shes hasnt come back to the thread. just a troll thought.
Crossed my mind...I squashed the thought down!!0 -
I feel like a lot of guys want some reassurance that girls won't let themselves go or whatever. maybe they are afraid they will go after someone better looking. but you could be the hottest thing and still get cheated on (see Hollywood for example). so I think instead you should give him the ultimatum. I would tell him that he better love you at your best and your worst weight.0
-
Just leave him..he's no good for you at all..kick him out.
back to your plateau position..we're in the same boat..oyeah
....just keep moving..just keep moving
do it gradually..step by step..don't ever give up. you will get there..0 -
I think you already know what to do. But geez what a hard thing to have to do! I feel for ya. Good luck!0
-
DUMP THIS MONSTER NOW. Because of your numerous losses, he should be supporting you. Instead he is giving you an ultimatim. I promise that you will probably gain MORE weight as you age and this loser will find your unattractive.
I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!
***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
[/quote]0 -
Ewps, edited.0
-
Shoot him.
I went from 180 to 280 over the last year while dating my boyfriend (issues with medication, moving, poor choices) and he has never once said anything negative about, has been supportive of trying to help me to lose weight when I bring it up, and will be holding my hand when I get a sleeve done in May.
You deserve that, not a *kitten* with a weird-*kitten* agenda about YOUR body.0 -
Only you yourself know for sure if this is a relationship worth saving. from someone who went through what you did (emotionally draining relationship) the best thing for me was to end it. my now husband of 4.5 years is amazing. his words ( I don't care what you weigh I love you for you however I want you to lose this weight not for me but because your miserable in your body.) if this is how he reacts now what will happen when kids come along? and pregnancy weight comes on.
either he loves you or doesn't.0 -
Your weight loss journey is For U not him and if he cant except that u need to think about moving on even if u get to the 130 what is he going to do when u get pregnant one day and gain back some weight with your baby smh what a loser just remember your body is yours and yours alone and any decision you make about it should be for your well being not to please someone elses needs.0
-
I can't tell you what to do in your relationship... however, it occurs to me that you already know the answer. You know what you SHOULD do... you are just scared to pull the trigger. That's understandable. You really need to take time to consider if this man... and the way he treats you is the way you would want your future daughter being treated. Is he honoring you... the real you or is he giving you this ultimatum in the hopes you will become who he WANTS you to be. In either case... the choice is yours and I don't envy you.0
-
What on earth? Why would you even CONSIDER marrying someone that would make a condition like that? What would he do if you lost the weight then in a few years gained it back? Or got sick? Or paralyzed?
I'd imagine he'd just leave you. Why would you want to marry into that?0 -
you can lose a whole 100+ by dropping his butt lol. No, but really, your already beautiful, the man you spend your life with should see that!0
-
Sounds like you could benefit from a talk with a counselor. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time lately.
I know it sounds cliche, but it always gets worse before it gets better. Maybe now would be a good time to dump him and move on, while you're in the "worse" part, so when you reach the "better" it will be even more so!
good luck0 -
0 -
So I have 2 thoughts
1. If he is telling you to lose the weight because he wants you to be skinnier, tell him to go sit on a nice pointy big stick.
2. If he us saying this cuz he thinks you will be happier on your wedding day, and just doesn't know how to say that, then give it some merit and talk to him about it. I have a few friends that list a substantial amount of weight and want to redo their weddings cuz they don't like how they liked in them. My husband and I went and had a Courthouse wedding, but it was agreed that when I lost the weight I wanted we would have a real wedding, my decision on waiting for a real wedding not his. Because I knew I'd we did it then, I would hate my pictures looking back on them.0 -
Just break up.0
-
Run. Away. Seriously- this is toxic bull****, get out now.0
-
Oh oh oh my ex did that to me. Except it was that I needed to lose the weight to get engaged.
I now live happily with no boyfriend, two cats, and am losing weight for me 0 -
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
...................And you still want to marry this guy?
Wow - is it going to be OK to gain weight while pregnant? and if so..............(how much) and how long before you HAVE to lose the weight before he starts divorce proceedings?0 -
I disagree.Sing it with me........to the left..to the left......
^^This!!!!
Clearly, this is NOT love; Love has no "conditions"
I love my BF on the condition that we don't turn into violent, abusive douchenugs.
I feel this is a reasonable condition. Happily, he agrees. 
He has the condition that we be awesome at least three times a week. Since 9 years into our relationship we average at about 6x/wk, I think we're on track for that. 0 -
No one should give you ultimatums like that. Anyone who truly loves you will love you for who you are right now, and any state you may be possibly be in later. So what happens if you did lose that weight, got married, then gained it back? Would he divorce you based on your weight? That's not love, that's control. You would both be better off seeing other people. There is someone out there that will love you no matter what and support you with whatever your goals are.
I knew someone that had the opposite, she had lost weight for her wedding and her fiance called it off because he wanted a "fat chick" - he said that he didn't want something that he didn't sign up for originally. That is fetishism. Healthy relationships are based on so much more, including mutual respect and trust, which you can not achieve when one person is persecuted constantly for the way they are or how a person thinks they should be.0 -
No, absolutely not. Your body is yours. He loves you, or he does not, he does not get to dictate to you what you weigh. He's a control freak and an *kitten*, imho.
I agree with this, HOWEVER do you think it is possible he is doing this to motivate you? To help you lose the weight? He knows you better than we do from your single post on MFP.0 -
Get out. Get out right now. That is some serious controlling bullsh..
0 -
Oh, I...I mean, I just...wow. How can that be love?
Of course it's your life, but you asked, so...no, it's not right, not at all. This is not how love is. Love is bringing out the best in your partner, in helping them be the best they can be without judgement or conditions, and loving them fat, thin or with a giant hairy wart.
Marrying this guy will kill your self esteem for good. If I don't know what a "junk" is (???), but I'll settle for suggesting that he go find himself someone else who is prepared to sacrifice her entire self worth to accommodate for his own needs. F that dude.
Does "without judgement or conditions" always apply?
Let's try a hypothetical:
"I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been unemployed, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I got a great job, and have gone through some major career changes.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the woman that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I get a good job.
I'm unemployed right now, and since the recession 2 years ago, I've actually lost my job and then some. Most of that income i lost in the last couple of months from 2 clients I've lost, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my I can't find a job. I job search regularly, apply online and cold call and I'm not even getting called back for interviews.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my job search troubles are emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave her and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to find a job for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!"
I'm guessing the responses would be slightly different.0 -
Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...
...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.
Add me to the list.
If it's like this NOW, how is it going to be when you're pregnant, or when the two of you are going through a rough patch? Nopenopenope. Cut your losses while there's time.
I was totally thinking the same thing!!! I'm 40 pounds over where I was when I met my husband.... 4 years and two kids later. Never ever once has he mentioned my weight for good or for bad. Sweetie, I think you know what you need to do. You're on here asking to make sure you're not out of your mind. You're not. His condition is abusive behavior and you soooo do not need that. Losing weight for the sake of your relationship is not a reason to lose.
It will hurt and you will feel lost for a while, but MAN will you feel awesome once the weight of that... can I even call him a man? is out of your life. Ugh!! I'm all fired up right now! I'm so sorry you have this weighing on your mind on top of everything else you've recently gone through. You're so young! I'd leave him and live my life for a few years. You will find a fab new you AND someone who loves you for you!
Good luck my dear!!0 -
I wouldn't marry this guy. I would still try to be healthy, maybe even lose a little more weight, but not for him. There are people out there who will love you for you, for who you are inside, and those people will encourage you and build you up, which in the long run makes it EASIER to take care of yourself. You don't need someone who puts conditions on their love, who tears you down, makes you feel like you aren't good enough, and stresses you out. In the long run this will make it HARDER to achieve any health or weight loss goals, because the worse you feel about yourself the less motivated you are to take care of yourself.
It might be hard, because you might actually love him even though its clear he doesn't really love you, but the pain will fade. It will hurt for awhile and then after awhile it won't anymore.
DUMP HIM.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.1K Introduce Yourself
- 43.7K Getting Started
- 260.1K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 419 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.9K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.5K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions