Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
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I wouldn't marry this guy. I would still try to be healthy, maybe even lose a little more weight, but not for him. There are people out there who will love you for you, for who you are inside, and those people will encourage you and build you up, which in the long run makes it EASIER to take care of yourself. You don't need someone who puts conditions on their love, who tears you down, makes you feel like you aren't good enough, and stresses you out. In the long run this will make it HARDER to achieve any health or weight loss goals, because the worse you feel about yourself the less motivated you are to take care of yourself.
It might be hard, because you might actually love him even though its clear he doesn't really love you, but the pain will fade. It will hurt for awhile and then after awhile it won't anymore.
DUMP HIM.0 -
Oh, I...I mean, I just...wow. How can that be love?
Of course it's your life, but you asked, so...no, it's not right, not at all. This is not how love is. Love is bringing out the best in your partner, in helping them be the best they can be without judgement or conditions, and loving them fat, thin or with a giant hairy wart.
Marrying this guy will kill your self esteem for good. If I don't know what a "junk" is (???), but I'll settle for suggesting that he go find himself someone else who is prepared to sacrifice her entire self worth to accommodate for his own needs. F that dude.
Does "without judgement or conditions" always apply?
Let's try a hypothetical:
"I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been unemployed, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I got a great job, and have gone through some major career changes.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the woman that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I get a good job.
I'm unemployed right now, and since the recession 2 years ago, I've actually lost my job and then some. Most of that income i lost in the last couple of months from 2 clients I've lost, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my I can't find a job. I job search regularly, apply online and cold call and I'm not even getting called back for interviews.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my job search troubles are emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave her and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to find a job for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!"
I'm guessing the responses would be slightly different.
Nope... I'd still say leave him... For better or for worse is the vow that comes to mind.0 -
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
OK sorry I'm Late
You need to kick the controlling bum to the curb.
He does not love you if he is making demands like this and guaranteed it won't be the last demand he'll make that is none of his business
Break up, reach your goals then once you are confident and where you want to be you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are not who they want to control you into being0 -
Just my 2 cents here but i love my wife.. period 165lbs or 265lbs does not matter, has no bearing on the amazing, wonderful, smart, funny and talented Bride of mine.. (we have been together 25 yrs and married for 16)0
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I know that I'm only echoing what others have already said at this point, but I just wanted to chime in. I know it's tempting to believe that he will finally approve/love/cherish/respect you once you reach that magic number, but believe me, someone like that never, ever will. Anyone who puts conditions on love at the outset has no idea what a marraige requires. Marraige is HARD. There are times when you hate each other, when you annoy the heck out of each other, when just the sound of their breath at night makes you want to scream. And just wait until kids come into the picture. It takes a very solid backbone of MUTUAL respect - and respect for the institution of marraige itself - for one to succeed.
I promise you, someone like him will always be adding new conditions for you to try to live up to. You will, never, ever - repeat EVER - live up to all of this person's expectations, because really, he doesn't want you to. Honestly, ask yourself if it isn't possible that he really loves haing the upper hand in the relationship? Of course I don't know him, but I know people just like him, and I'm saying run, don't walk, away from him. I know you've invested a lot in this relationship, and maybe you think it's your only chance.
It's not.
Let me repeat that. IT"S NOT.
I promise you, there is a sweet, kind, loving, respectful man out there just waiting for you to dump this guy. Remember, people usually live up to your expectations of them. So if you hold out for a man who will treat you like a queen, you'll get him.
Continue to take care of your body, eat smart and splurge occasionally. Find your joy. It's out there, and I guarantee you, it's NOT with this guy.
I wish you all the wonderful things. Good luck! ♥0 -
So was he waiting the whole 5 to 6 years for you to lose the weight? If you are a pound under your goal by wedding day is he not going to walk down the aisle? Was he like this the entire relationship? Just curious because this sounds ridiculous if he is actually serious, If he is not willing to move forward with you now (after 5-6 years of investment) than why would he marry you when you do actually reach your goal? He'll probably be jealous of you when you actually reach your goal.
I would confront him with the very queston you posed in this thread, and end it with Wrong! Lose weight or Not...It's Over!
Good Riddens! :drinker: 0 -
Please Please dump him IMMEDIATELY!!!! He is not the man for you. When you love someone you love them for everything that they are. What if you get sick and need him will he be there. Please don't sell yourself short . You will be miserable and will gain weight back because you are unhappy.. Life throws you enough curve balls .. You should feel safe and loved with the one you marry. Think about it.
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Skip the weight bs, you're getting married and don't live together yet? Big NO NO. If NOTHING ELSE, see if you two can coexist in the same house.
Personally, though, I'd say **** that and be out after giving his *kitten* some complexes. You are a WOMAN and unless you are a neurotic abusive jerk, you don't deserve that. Mom sounds like a good option. If you aren't living together though just stay in Florida and be your own woman! Florida has nice summers.
ETA: I mean, he agreed to date and engage you at your weight. He agreed to presumably fornicate with you, but God forbid he marries a woman who isn't HIS goal weight? He's lucky you even give him the time of day mami.
Edit again because wtf: So, assume you go through with this and you get to 130 and marry him. What's the next ultimatum? Certain adult acts or else he'll divorce? You must spawn a boy child or else? You got to dye your hair blonde and wear blue contacts? He's trying to change you, girl. People do not change or try to change the people they sincerely love. They love them for who and what they are, period. The only way this would even be mildly acceptable is if he's inadvertently making the comment because you constantly complain about your weight and said a long time ago that you wouldn't marry if you couldn't fit in a size 3 dress, or something.0 -
WOW.....I don't know you or your relationship but if he refuses to marry you because of your weight....you need to seriously consider if he is worth even being with AT ALL??
No healthy relationship starts that way....what if you get to the goal weight...get married....and gain it back? Will he divorce you?? Sounds like some mental abuse happening there. You should NOT have to change your appearance for ANYONE!
I would personally never be with anyone who didn't love me for ME. But as I am someone who stayed in a loveless relationship for 18 years, I know how easy it is to think you can't get better, that you don't deserve better. But YOU CAN and YOU DO!
You deserve love, respect and compassion. No matter what you look like! If he's not giving you that, I'd say leave! You are young.....don't get married because people tell you to or because you don't think you can do better.
Take a step back and ask yourself if he is worth it....sounds like a resounding NO to me!
Good luck hun!0 -
I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!
***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
I wanted to play devil's advocate and go against those questioning his ultimatium and if he really loves or cares for you bc you have been together for 6 years. It seems like he was not making committing to you or marrying you a condition of the ultimatium but rather the wedding......6 years is pretty committed.
HOWEVER, when i kept reading and saw he doesn't live with you after 6 years? Now i am questioning it. Something lays deeper under all this and if you really want your relationship to work out, you should probably see a conselor with your significant other.
you should continue your weight loss journey for you though, take the hard times, and the plateu and let them fuel your fire.
let them motivate you to become who YOU want to be, for you and no one else.
**the difference between marriage and a wedding: marriage, committment to one person in love; wedding, a ceremony usually with a dress, which could be the reason he wants you to be healthy with your weight.....but again you need to evaluate ALL of the aspects of the relationship0 -
Geez, what a douche !
And he'll get even worse over time ......
Save yourself while you still can :drinker:0 -
So well said!!I know that I'm only echoing what others have already said at this point, but I just wanted to chime in. I know it's tempting to believe that he will finally approve/love/cherish/respect you once you reach that magic number, but believe me, someone like that never, ever will. Anyone who puts conditions on love at the outset has no idea what a marraige requires. Marraige is HARD. There are times when you hate each other, when you annoy the heck out of each other, when just the sound of their breath at night makes you want to scream. And just wait until kids come into the picture. It takes a very solid backbone of MUTUAL respect - and respect for the institution of marraige itself - for one to succeed.
I promise you, someone like him will always be adding new conditions for you to try to live up to. You will, never, ever - repeat EVER - live up to all of this person's expectations, because really, he doesn't want you to. Honestly, ask yourself if it isn't possible that he really loves haing the upper hand in the relationship? Of course I don't know him, but I know people just like him, and I'm saying run, don't walk, away from him. I know you've invested a lot in this relationship, and maybe you think it's your only chance.
It's not.
Let me repeat that. IT"S NOT.
I promise you, there is a sweet, kind, loving, respectful man out there just waiting for you to dump this guy. Remember, people usually live up to your expectations of them. So if you hold out for a man who will treat you like a queen, you'll get him.
Continue to take care of your body, eat smart and splurge occasionally. Find your joy. It's out there, and I guarantee you, it's NOT with this guy.
I wish you all the wonderful things. Good luck! ♥
I used to have the absolute worst taste in men and went through hell because of it, but I finally got it right. Just last night I was looking at a wedding picture on my desk. I was almost 20 pounds heavier, and the look in my husband's eyes shows how deeply in love with me he is. Takes my breath away every time. And yet our marriage takes lots of work every single day. Don't settle for less than a man that would marry you no matter what.0 -
How to spot a troll:
1. Posts inflammatory thread and then nothing else.
2. Post is internally inconsistent re: calling him a boyfriend even though they're engaged.
3. Had surgery at age 21? Boyfriend from age 18, but she's from Puerto Rico? Is at 209 lbs but was down to
4. Only has 1 post ever.
Trololololooloooo0 -
That does not sound like a supportive companion. So, what will happen if you gain weight during the marriage, will he leave you? How is going through that kind of stress helpful or supportive to your goals in life? It does not sound like you are happy now with the demands being placed on you, and frankly it won't get easier in marriage. Do yourself a favor and don't enough the signs. You don't need hindsight to see 20/20. It is right before you, and the answer is clear. If you have to ask the question, you probably already know the answer.0
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that was suppose to be ignore the signs.0
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Hey! I married that *kitten*! Or someone just like him anyway. I've been happily divorced for several years now. I never could get to my goal weight, in fact, just kept getting bigger under the weight of his disapproval. Check out my profile pic. Guess who's eating his heart out now? Dump him. He is dangling commitment like a reward as if he himself is some perfect prize. If he loves you, he's in. You'll both grow and change together. He is demanding that YOU change to be good enough for him.
I know this, the only thing about you that will absolutely positively change over the course of your life is the way you look. (wrinkles, gray hair, weight flux) If he's that hung on the weight, how do you think he'll feel about wrinkles? But if you're down for plastic surgery and therapy for the rest of your life, sounds like he's quite a catch.0 -
Dump him, keep his number, lose the weight for yourself and at your own pace, then text him an "eff you" with a photo attached :happy:0
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Are you telling the full story? for example maybe the money for the surgery came from him based on a promise that you will lose the weight but you haven't kept the end of your bargain? I'm just speculating here because i cannot believe a man who got into a relationship with you while being who you are now will suddenly turn around and say you're not good enough for marriage. I just feel like there's more to it, that's my opinion0
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I have not read through all the responses. But all I can say is HE NEEDS TO GO! Really he won't marry you if you don't weigh a certain number. So that means if you gain the weight back he will leave you.
How will he act if:
You have a major accident and need to be cared for.
You have a special needs child who needs constant care.
You lose your job.
Your house burns down.
Weight is a number. Yes you need to lose weight to be healthy. But not to marry you because of that. Go pawn the ring and take the money and treat yourself to a spa day.0 -
I am so sad for you.
I am 37 years old and when I met my fiance 5 years ago I was about 60lbs lighter. He has never once mentioned anything about my weight in regards to getting married, etc.
Please take care of yourself and remember your self worth should not be dictated by a number on the scale.0 -
Here's the thing, if he really truly was in love with you, and he wanted to marry you, your weight would NEVER be a reason to avoid it. It honestly sounds to me like he's a jerk. Without knowing your relationship, I can't really tell you what you should do either, I will say though, my husband met me when I was around 240lbs, married me when I was 284lbs, and still loved me when I was at my heaviest of 294 lbs. He wants me to reach my goals but he wants it because I want it. He has told me a thousand times that if I never lost a lb he would still think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. You DESERVE a man who loves you like that. If he's willing to refuse to marry you over your weight, he DOESN'T deserve you! I'm sorry that you have had so much going on and that he's being that way. It's really sad. Good luck with whatever decision you choose and good luck with your weight loss journey.0
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I have been with 2 men like that in my life. Both who have had NO reason to talk about appearances.
I can't help but think underneath that horrifying way of speaking to your fiance, is a mountain of worms that will only get worse.
I don't think he is good husband material. Save yourself the hassle. Let the relationship die on it's own.
His words killed it anyway.0 -
Drop him like a bad habit! "If you can't love me at my worst, you certainly don't deserve me at my best!"0
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That's pretty effed up. Why does he need/want you to be some special weight to marry you? That doesn't seem very loving or supportive. I don't normally say this kinda thing but...seriously? Dump him! This is emotional blackmail at best, and emotional abuse at worse.
And again, I'm not normally one to say such things
^^ THIS^^
If you are wondering if it is just his way of saying he cares deeply about your health... look at how he has treated female members of his family, how he talks to them (ask them privately) and listen carefully when he interacts with them on other occasions. That will tell you whether he is a emotional abuser. All sweet & loving one minute/all controlling and emotionally abusive the next? No problem to figure the right road out...0 -
He wants to put off the wedding indefinitely. Period. He will keep finding reasons even if you lose the weight.
This. You've been with him six years and he says he'll marry you when you hit some magic number? No. I'm sorry OP. I hope things get better for you. You're young. Do not settle. I did when I was 23 and he's now an ex-husband.0 -
Hi Blc281!!!! I am so sorry that you have this added stress on you!! Everything is going to be ok. If you can take some time out and think for a minute, is this person helping me or hurting me? How do I feel when he say those things to me? If your initial answer is that you feel bad then is that someone you want to be with? Do you want to be with someone that make you feel bad or inspire you? This is just my opinion, if I am trying to loose weight and I have a companion that wants me to loose weight and if he is trying to help me I would think that he would suggest that WE both work out together and WE both change our eating habits together. He may try and say well I'm just saying it to inspire you but that isn't inspiration at all. No one can help you figure out your situation but you, its your decision on what you want and how you want your life to be. Have you considered going to the doctor to see what the issue may be? There are products that a doctor can prescribe for you as well as weight lose programs under a doctor's care that can help. If you really want to loose the weight do this for YOU and no one else. This is a wonderful app and there are some amazing people on here that will support you. I hope and pray my post as well as others help. You are important and you do matter!!!! You can do it the sky is the limit and anyone that beat you down and not build you up shouldn't be in your space Take Care!!! 0
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Don't lose weight for the sake of your relationship... Lose weight because you want to be strong and healthy. And yes, leave your pathetic boyfriend. I have been in that situation before... and I left him. When I met my husband I was about 20lbs less than what I'm now, he has loved me from the beginning, loved me when I gained weight and is loving me while im losing it.
Your boyfriend should want to marry you because he loves YOU. Giving the reason of not marrying you because your not at your goal weight is RUDE and SHALLOW!!!
A relationship isn't supposed to add stress into your life. Your boyfriend is supposed to be there to support you and make you feel loved no matter what.
It doesn't sound like he is delivering.
Sorry your in this situation girl, just know that weight loss isn't about anyone but YOU. If you want it bad enough, you will get it. If someone else wants it FOR you, it's not going to come off and stay off the way you want it too.0 -
I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's easy for us to tell you what to do but only you know the details of your relationship and can make the final decision. That said, I'd drop him like a hot potato. A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time. Just my opinion.
I agree. You are worth more then your scale, and what HE thinks you should weigh. Do what makes YOU happy. Life is hard, and full of hard choices. Sit back and do some soul searching, some writing always helps me. But if my fiancé put off our wedding due to my weight, I would leave him in a minute, because he wouldn't love me for me, and he wouldn't appreciate who I really am.0 -
And what happens if you gain back 5 pounds?0
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Seems like there is more to this story. Where is the OP?0
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