rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.

When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.

The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.

Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.

I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.

I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.

OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.

hi everyone

i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".

so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.

i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.

Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.

I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

This sadly. I've met a lot of people online, and it's really different once you meet... the exact same thing happened to a friend of mine a few years ago (although weight had nothing to do with it). He's happy and married now... with someone else.

I don't think he's a jerk or an A-hole. He drove 4 hours to see you. He invested a lot of time in an online relationship with you. He has a right to be attracted to what he's attracted to. That hurts and is unpleasant to hear, but it's his truth. He's not required to be attracted to you if he's not feeling it.

People don't love unconditionally. They just don't. We all have conditions on our love..we want our mate/significant other to bathe, brush their teeth, be appropriately dressed, etc. If your spouse didn't bathe for weeks and stopped brushing their teeth would you still be attracted to them? I'd seriously doubt it.

Soulmates are overrated and something romance novels sell us. Relationships are work. You never instantly have the perfect relationship with anyone. There are so many people we could be attracted to and have a good relationship with. Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition.. You found one possible person with whom you could be compatible. There are others out there. You just have to find someone else with whom you have a connection.

I also wonder (gently) why you couldn't be honest with him about the weight gain. If your relationship was that strong and so deep surely you could have said something once or better yet many times BEFORE you met. It seems odd that you'd hide this from someone you call your soulmate.

Lose the weight for yourself. Always for yourself. Never for anyone else.

My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."

Uh ... congratulations?

LOL! I am pretty sure that post you have quoted is a joke intended to make a point.

i wouldn't be so sure about that. check out her previous posts.