rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight
Replies
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He doesn't love you. 40 lbs in my opinion is very small and if he really loved you it should not have been an issue. It sounds like the connection you made together was superficial at best and that's unfortunate but at least you know now.
And by the way you don't have to change yourself for anyone or anything. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself, don't do it for anyone else. I know you're depressed about this situation but I think you honestly dodged a bullet with this guy, you'll find a better one.0 -
looks aren't forever, he was never in "love" with you, only "in love" with who he wanted you to be.0
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Why would someone being a total (insert expletive here) be a reality check for YOU to change YOURself or YOUR life? Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. It's accepting the other person part and parcel, and making the choice - sometimes over and over again - to love that person no matter what. That love may have been one-sided in your case.
Have you considered that maybe, just maybe he wasn't totally honest about his life, situation, or even relationship status? There's a possibility, and a large one at that, that he may have some skeletons in his closet that he wasn't ready, willing, or able to reveal, and you are not the reason he ended things. Pinning it on your weight could very well have been his easy out.
Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.
WOOT WOOT!! Solid advice right there!0 -
Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.
Truth!
Since you were so invested, you are experiencing a loss now that it won't work out.
Do you hear that? It won't work out.
So, now you have to work through your feelings, experience them, acknowledge them, face them and then send them on their merry way. But do it for you, not for anyone else.0 -
He doesn't love you. 40 lbs in my opinion is very small and if he really loved you it should not have been an issue. It sounds like the connection you made together was superficial at best and that's unfortunate but at least you know now.
And by the way you don't have to change yourself for anyone or anything. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself, don't do it for anyone else. I know you're depressed about this situation but I think you honestly dodged a bullet with this guy, you'll find a better one.
40 lbs is not very small at all... -_-
but I agree 100% it should be getting fit for yourself or the motivation will be very temporary.0 -
Please learn to love and put yourself first.... never count on anyone else for your happiness at any size! :flowerforyou:0
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You may not realize it now, but this man has done you a huge favor. With time comes strength. The pain in your heart will heal. Focus on the road ahead. Get yourself on the road to good health. Do not let this dog chit get stuck on the bottom of your heal....just shake it off. Harsh words I know, but it usually takes a stranger to look at situations like this with eyes wide open. Today is your new beginning . I won't say good luck......coz you got this!!0
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I'm going to re-write your post.
Hi everyone! Check this out. I was in an online relationship with this guy, we were really into one another, in love, I felt like he was my soul mate - we even discussed marriage! He told me that he would love me no matter what and that he would never hurt me. By the time I got around to meeting him for the first time, I was 40 lbs. heavier than when we had first started talking, but hey, he said he loved me no matter what so I gave it a go.
Real life wasn't anything like I thought it would be, he seemed very different, couldn't tell me he loved me, he just seemed distant. When pressed, he said it was because of the weight I had gained. I felt horrible, started crying, couldn't sleep that night. It really hit me hard and I was feeling terribly insecure, I even wondered if I should hurry and lose that weight so I could win back his love!
But the next day I woke up and felt a lot better. I realized I shouldn't have gotten so emotionally involved with someone I hadn't actually met - won't be making that mistake again! I also realized it was better to know right away if things were going to work between us rather than to let things drag on for months. I emailed the guy and told him it was nice to meet him and I wish him all the best in the future, but it's best that we both move on. Yeah, it's tough because I'm still a bit hurt, but I also realized I had been waaaaay too focused on what he though of me rather than loving myself. Eff that noise! I don't like the fact that I've gained a bit of weight so I'm going to be working on that...I'm looking forward to getting back in shape!0 -
people who love you don't leave you bawling. :brokenheart:0
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I know that must be hard
but I really truly think no matter how deep your connection is, if he can't get past some superficial barrier that he has, then he can't truly love you.
I met my ex which I loved online , we were together for a year, when I first met him, I was overweight, he didn't care xD there were things about him that I expected to be different too before we met, like he was a LOT shorter than he said he was (and a bit chubbier
) , and just different looking than his pictures, but I loved him for the fun we had online and the conversations and the way we said we loved each other like you did, so even though the first time I met him , I had this apprehensive queasy feeling, I pushed past it and got to know him in person and I fell in love with the person that I knew I loved behind any sort of physical appearance.
He also loved me when I was fat and all the way through my weight loss journey but never at any point said I needed to lose weight, in fact he always said I was fine and didn't need to. If you embark on a journey to lose weight for someone else, that could end up really badly for you, at some point I was doing it just for my boyfriend so I could please him and impress him, but that turned into never thinking I was good enough and getting an eating disorder. You have to want to be thinner for you if you're going to do it, don't just do it for the sake of someone that clearly WON'T stick with you through thick and thin..
I'm sorry :frown:0 -
sweetie... I am at work and don't have time to read all the responses, however... here are my comments to your issue...
I'm sorry for your heartbreak. so what? you gained some weight? you're STILL beautiful! he's shallow and mean for what he did to you. I haven't been through exactly what you have, but my heart has been broken so I can relate to that. You'll need time to get over him. It may hurt too bad to be friends with him so probably don't do it. try to focus your attention on YOU and getting yourself WELL! in time, you'll get better. Please don't sell yourself short! He just is NOT the one! There is someone BETTER for you. OKAY???? :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm going to venture to the other side of the picture here for a minute. For me, I'm 5'1 and 40lbs is a lot of weight. It's makes a huge difference in my appearance. I don't know how tall you are and how well you hold extra weight. If he only saw the picture of you at a healthy weight and that's not what you look like now, it really wasn't fair to him at all. If you didn't disclose current pictures or at least tell him that you gained weight, you can't really blame him. Everyone has to admit, part of "love" is physical attraction. You weren't even happy with your weight, but you expected him to ignore it and love you anyways. I'm not saying it's the same thing as being in a committed relationship and your SO gains weight you have the right to dump them, but he hadn't even met you in person yet. So it could be a combination of personality and appearance. Ex.....I'm an introvert. I can talk and talk and talk online all day long. I can put words onto a computer screen that have deep meaning. Get me in person and I sometimes appear either shy or snobby. I'm neither. I'm just an introvert. I have a hard time in crowds. I don't do well in public. It's not that I lack social skills, it's just that my personality doesn't always shine in social situations.
This is the perfect time for a reality check. Take time to learn to be happy without the companionship of another person and do what you need to do to be happy in your own body, emotionally and physically. If not, then you'll keep running into situations like these that break your heart.
I hope you take this the right way. Without getting into details, I've been there, done that. There are so many beautiful people out there, and undoubtedly, you are one of them. Keep your chin up. Make changes that make YOU happy and healthy. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever change yourself to make someone else happy. Once you do it for yourself, you'll have the confidence to know that the opinions of others don't matter. You will be happy regardless of what others think of you or your appearance.
Good luck! Sending one big hug of motivation to you. You can do it!!0 -
Five months ago I would not have understood your connection (not truly 'meeting' except online). I can now understand and empathize. They are real and the connection can even be stronger. However, there is so much to be said for real life relationships. Not that yours wasn't real life, as I know it was. Just the physical aspect of being able to see their eyes change in conversation or how they tilt their heads or how they walk - do they stride or are they more leisurely at walking? Feeling their hand in yours, knowing that they want to walk beside you. This is something that an online connection cannot show you.
Please, you should immediately seize in feeling as if this is somehow related to your weight. You might not ever truly know why he disassociated himself...in fact, it probably has more to do with him than you. Instead embrace the positive changes in your life. Any relationship, once ended, brings new insight into our own makeup as a person. YOU are beautifully candid and a remarkably insightful and refreshingly accepting. You have experienced this true loss and will come out better, stronger, and more resilient a woman than before. Hugs sweetie and best wishes as you go along this journey. Love yourself first and then you will be ready to love someone else!0 -
hi everyone
i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".
so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.
i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.
Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.
you're not a toy you're not broken that you need to be fixed. so you gained weight so what. it happens to all of us. F HIM! HE'S A TOOL!
you gained weight because you got sick and he dumped you for THAT. do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with a person like THAT?????? seriously! if he ran off because you gained 40lbs due to being sick what do you think would happen is 10 years from now the same thing happened? what if you gained 20lbs/80lbs/5lbs. we all gain weight (heck that's why we're on this site) the question is do you want someone who will stand by you during your worst or do you want someone who is only interested in you during your best. we are never at our best 100% of the time.
he's not worth the tears in my book.0 -
You cannot know whether there is chemistry and a real connection until you meet face to face. This is one of the harder aspects of online flirtations and dating. People put so much of themselves into an avatar and into the words of someone else on a computer screen that it clouds the real personality of the person on the other end. Everyone does it. It's human nature. Reality clouded by one's biases can be very different from actual reality.
If he had only seen photographs of you when you were 40 pounds lighter, he had associated that person with the words on the screen. If you didn't tell him about the weight gain, then he probably felt like you were being dishonest with him about who you are. Who knows, he could have felt like you didn't trust him enough to make that decision for himself, and it could have hurt him. That silence just might have been him brooding over the "lie" as much as any perceived disappointment. That kind of dishonesty can be very damaging to a budding relationship. If you had told him first, or sent him recent photos, then who's to say how he would have reacted to you. You didn't give him the opportunity to even make that decision.
The shoe could have very easily been on the other foot. Imagine if you had met him and he had horrible personal hygiene and reeked of cigarette smoke, or some other odor you find offensive. Would the words on the computer screen and the images he sent you have been enough to overcome what you could have perceived as deception?0 -
If he cant accept you now unless you lose weight, do you think he would stay with you after you gain 40 lb. carrying his baby and it takes longer to lose it post partum than he would like?
He is calling way too many shots in your life. Get well, take care of yourself both physically and mentally, and give yourself a time away from dating/seeking out relationships. Get a firm picture of who you are and what you will and will not find acceptable in a partner's character before you try again.0 -
You cannot know whether there is chemistry and a real connection until you meet face to face. This is one of the harder aspects of online flirtations and dating. People put so much of themselves into an avatar and into the words of someone else on a computer screen that it clouds the real personality of the person on the other end. Everyone does it. It's human nature. Reality clouded by one's biases can be very different from actual reality.
If he had only seen photographs of you when you were 40 pounds lighter, he had associated that person with the words on the screen. If you didn't tell him about the weight gain, then he probably felt like you were being dishonest with him about who you are. Who knows, he could have felt like you didn't trust him enough to make that decision for himself, and it could have hurt him. That silence just might have been him brooding over the "lie" as much as any perceived disappointment. That kind of dishonesty can be very damaging to a budding relationship. If you had told him first, or sent him recent photos, then who's to say how he would have reacted to you. You didn't give him the opportunity to even make that decision.
The shoe could have very easily been on the other foot. Imagine if you had met him and he had horrible personal hygiene and reeked of cigarette smoke, or some other odor you find offensive. Would the words on the computer screen and the images he sent you have been enough to overcome what you could have perceived as deception?
Agreed. Reality is always more complicated and messier than what's on the screen.0 -
Wow, what a great girl this guy is missing out on!
As much as his actions deserve it, I'm not going to trash him. I would advise you to take some time for your mental wellbeing to stabilise and for your heart to heal.
You met and fell in love with someone who has a massive disability, he cannot find beauty in another person that HE thinks fits his idea of perfect. I feel bad for him and you should too, he's in for a very lonely future. I truly hope his quest for "perfection" keeps him warm at night.
You are a lovely, beautiful person who will find someone deserving of your love and life. This man is not your soulmate, it may be best for your mental health to cut the relationship off but this is your choice.
Take time to be well and all the rest will follow.
God bless you :-)
Kaela x0 -
he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew.
And you allowed him to hug you and comfort you while you cried in front of him after he verbally acknowledged this. Think about that for awhile. Seriously.
Now forgetting about this man who is a total waste of your time and focusing on future men you'll be meeting:
Perhaps consider exchanging 3 or 4 cursory emails (with a CURRENT photo) for introductory and screening purposes, leading up to ONE phone call. The phone call request is to be initiated by HIM not you. The phone call should be used solely to determine YOUR interest in actually meeting the man. It's a total waste of your precious time to continue some stupid "what's up?" "How ya doin'?" back and forth if the guy doesn't get to asking for your phone # after the second or third email.
So now, if it's a go, make a date to meet in person. And the offer to meet in person MUST be initiated by HIM not you. And if the man is more than 15 minutes late for the date without calling you, leave immediately and never communicate with him again.
Of course you transport yourself to the date. You don't have him coming to your house. You also get yourself back home on your own. You don't reveal your address or get in a car with a guy who you've had one date with.
Meeting people in person as soon as possible is what will swerve you away from the nonsense. And meeting in person is inevitable anyway. So get right to the face to face and save yourself the pitfalls of the cowardly head games routinely played out in email flirtations. Who has the patience for a lot of superfluous electronic back and forth anyway when the intent is to start a committed relationship? This mode of communication is terrific for play but not so swell when your most vulnerable feelings are at stake.
Self protection is key when choosing your future fella. Don't lose sight of that for a second because the only one who's going to protect you is you.
I actually think this ^ is good advice. Personally, I don't think the talking on the phone step is necessary ever, though, and I don't think the face to face meeting (or any other type of contact online or irl) absolutely HAS TO be initiated by the male. But I think in general that is solid advice.
I met my husband online. He was the first guy I ever initiated contact with. We talked for less than a week before meeting face to face and I insisted on that because I was really interested, and refused to waste time "falling for" someone that I might not be attracted to physically. The funny part about that, is I included in my online dating profile a disclaimer about being a BIG girl as well as current photos, and therefore wasn't remotely concerned that he might not be attracted to me. That puts you in a better position of "power" if you ask me. I don't mean power over another person. But feeling proud and in control and so on.0 -
thank you for your words of encouragement. i understand that, there are a lot of factors at play. its difficult to feel like anything could get better and waking up everyday with the cold, stark realization that it was all just a scam. i feel betrayed and played, he constantly promised and assured me that he would be with me through all the bad and good. now it's just an emptiness. i know he doesn't have anyone at home, i know he was honest in his feelings. but meeting me really skewed his perception, i know it did and i feel like maybe he feels deceived or betrayed. it's hard for either one of us to communicate emotions or put ourselves out there. i know he is capable of serious relationships. i just don't know if he is capable of actually loving someone on a deeper level and realistic level. it's sad and im finding it so difficult to move on, i just can't believe it went from 100 to 0 within hours. i feel like i fell from a cliff and survived, but left broken and he doesn't seem to care about how i feel anymore.
My ex assured me that he didn't have anyone else, that I was the person he looked for all his life, that he would always be there and would never mistreat me, etc. for over a year and a half while we dated (not an online relationship). I finally believed him (my heart had been severely broken previously and it took a long time to get over) and we got married. 2 years later, when I was 7 months along with our 2nd child he comes home and announces that he has a girlfriend and is leaving because he is "high maintenance" and "needs" someone who can give him 100% of their attention (but don't expect him to do anything for them). Oh, and BTW, I found out later that he already had a girl when we met, and had several more while we were together. So, just because they say the "right" things and put on a good act doesn't mean they are the right person for you. He has turned out to be a total jerk in so many ways, and did not care that he broke my heart and the hearts of our kids... It hurt deeply and I tried to "change" whatever in order to convince him to live up to his promises but in the end it did no good. It is difficult to let go of a dream that you have for a relationship, but it is important to grieve the loss and allow yourself to heal. I re-met an old friend (from many years ago) a couple years back and we found that we were even more suited for each other than we thought we were before. This weekend we will celebrate our 6 month wedding anniversary. It has truly been "a marriage made in Heaven". We love each other deeply in spite of not being "perfect" and are supportive of each other the way true soulmates are.0
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