rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

1679111220

Replies

  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

    Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

    No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
    You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.

    I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.

    I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.

    Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.

    They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.

    Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.
    I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.

    Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?

    He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.

    Maybe he's just being polite and responding to her engagement in the relationship? He actually doesn't sound like a horrible person - he stuck around while she cried and seemingly only brought up the weight when she pressed for an answer.

    In reality, it's sounding like his real issue is with her personality and how do you bring THAT up nicely? Personality is A LOT harder to change than weight! I've been around people who regularly make negative comments and "excuses" and they are not fun to be around. Like I said before, it's easy to hide the bad and only show the good when you are online - you can't really know a person until you've spent time with them IRL and seen every side of them - not just the edited side.

    I still believe that OP does need to move on from this "relationship" and she also needs to work on her relationship with herself before she tries again. If you aren't happy with yourself, it's not fair to expect anyone else to be happy with you.

    Yeah, I'm not at all saying that this guy is a jerk, but that he is confused... and that OP is going to get hurt if she continues contact with this guy... because he is confused.

    There is obviously something about her that he really likes... and something that he doesn't really like. She can't and shouldn't change for him, and he knows that, and probably wouldn't ask her to. But the reality is, her feelings for him are there, and his confusion is there. And trying to remain friends is only going to continue to give her hope that he will one day change his mind.

    Trust me... I've been there, done this. I have no hard feelings towards the guy. It just took me a long time to realize that we were never going to be together, and we couldn't maintain a friendship without my feelings getting in the way.
  • aliann30
    aliann30 Posts: 291 Member
    Hugs..

    It really possibly has nothing to do with your weight on the grand scheme of things.
    When you just talk online and never meet them in person you build them up to be this person in your head. A lot of times people meet and you just aren't exactly what you had pictured them to be inside and out. that's why when I did online dating, I wouldn't talk for weeks on end, or write books to eachother, etc. because it can be so false and such a let down when they aren't the perfect match in person as they were online. Some people just don't mesh.

    weight may have been his easy way out because HE knew that YOU felt bad/down on yourself. It was easy for him.

    Sounds like it just may not have been meant to be, still sucks, still hurts, but you can and will move on. You will find Mr. Right I am 100% sure of it. Took me along time to find my special man, but I did, and he was NOTHING on the outside that I ever had imagined but glad I found him because he is perfect.

    good luck.

    TOTALLY agree with this. Hubby and I met online and it clicked immediately. He definitely wasn't what I ever expected to end up with physically (about 4 inches shorter than I am, and I was always into dark hair dark eyes while he is VERY blonde and VERY blue eyed). He made me laugh though and that was that. While I agree that there has to be some sort of attraction there, love is SO much more than that. It sounds like yall just didn't click, and while I know you're experiencing the heartache of losing that love, you are better off. I agree that he probably isn't a jerk, because a jerk would've taken advantage of you, then left and never said anything. It may be that he just didn't feel it, and/or he had some "skeletons" that he had left back at home. This is NOT me saying to "try again" with him - I think you'd be wasting your time. Just because a guy is decent doesn't make him good for YOU. Better for him to have been honest with you the first time you met than pretended for awhile so he could "sample the goods" then ditch you when he found a new toy to play with. Just remember next time to keep your heart just a tad bit more guarded and make sure you've met and clicked before you start planning the wedding. :flowerforyou:
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    Live and learn. Next time don't waste so much time on an online relationship. Once you think something's there meet up in person so everyone knows what their working with.
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
    Live and learn. Next time don't waste so much time on an online relationship. Once you think something's there meet up in person so everyone knows what their working with.

    ^ best and most succinct advice in the whole thread.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!

    Seriously... are they paying you?

    That's not the only dating website, you know....
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Live and learn. Next time don't waste so much time on an online relationship. Once you think something's there meet up in person so everyone knows what their working with.

    ^ best and most succinct advice in the whole thread.

    Agreed... talking myself in circles here.

    I'm out.
  • MrTolerable
    MrTolerable Posts: 1,593 Member
    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!

    Seriously... are they paying you?

    That's not the only dating website, you know....

    no one is paying me.. but its clearly the only socially acceptable dating app that doesn't make you a total loozer.

    sheeesh....I thought my advice was a bit blunt but its totally legit and solid.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

    no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



    and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

    I mean, with a nice guy like you out there, who wouldn't want to get on the Tinder saddle?
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

    Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

    No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
    You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.

    I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.

    I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.

    Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.

    They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.

    Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.
    I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.

    To paraphrase, he said "I don't like this about you either" and she said "okay I will stop" and he said "no don't stop, it's good that you do that." Mixed signals much??

    Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?

    He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.

    respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

    no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



    and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

    Why are you talking about our meet up on the interwebs? I told you I'm getting my teeth fixed next month. BTW how come you haven't changed ur name to MCD'swrapper yet?
  • MrTolerable
    MrTolerable Posts: 1,593 Member
    respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

    no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



    and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

    I mean, with a nice guy like you out there, who wouldn't want to get on the Tinder saddle?

    when i'm the saddle... lots of ladies here would babe.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!

    Seriously... are they paying you?

    That's not the only dating website, you know....

    no one is paying me.. but its clearly the only socially acceptable dating app that doesn't make you a total loozer.

    sheeesh....I thought my advice was a bit blunt but its totally legit and solid.

    giggity
  • AngieCook09
    AngieCook09 Posts: 51 Member
    Do it for YOURSELF. Be done with him!
  • tmkefa
    tmkefa Posts: 3
    So what you gained forty pounds! You're still you, and you still deserve to be loved unconditionally by a man who is your spiritual puzzle piece. He's out there. Forty pounds isn't that serious, and will come off easily with the right diet and exercise. Take the time to do that, move forward, and when you're right with yourself, the right man will come along and love all of you- heavier or not. Let this one go. He can have all the fun in the world trying to find a woman who's never fluctuated in weight even slightly. I guarantee there isn't one out there.
  • richardositosanchez
    richardositosanchez Posts: 260 Member
    Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

    ^^ This!

    Online relationships never work out because the person that people make up in their mind and the person they are in reality usually always clash. See this as a learning experience and work on getting yourself healthy for YOU, not for anyone else.
  • MrTolerable
    MrTolerable Posts: 1,593 Member
    You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

    Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

    No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
    You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.

    I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.

    I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.

    Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.

    They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.

    Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.
    I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.

    To paraphrase, he said "I don't like this about you either" and she said "okay I will stop" and he said "no don't stop, it's good that you do that." Mixed signals much??

    Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?

    He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.

    respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

    no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



    and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

    Why are you talking about our meet up on the interwebs? I told you I'm getting my teeth fixed next month. BTW how come you haven't changed ur name to MCD'swrapper yet?

    lmao!! XD
  • This content has been removed.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    as far as him saying no? least he was straight up about it.

    I'm still confused. Did he say "no" before or after...(how you say in a way that MFP won't object to?)...engaging in consensual activity?
  • Ldbg289
    Ldbg289 Posts: 236 Member
    I got the opposite from a guy I thought was the one. He told me to hold off on weight loss because he liked me bigger. At first I was confused by this but then I got to thinking, his opinion, while still important is second to mine and I was not happy with the way I looked, the way I felt. Well, that relationship fell apart, it was all him, no really, when he gave the old "it's not you it's me" it really was him.
  • toscarthearmada
    toscarthearmada Posts: 382 Member
    To me, this is a red flag!

    Get out while you can.

    I understand that it hurts now, but you're saving yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. NO ONE should have to constantly worry if their significant other finds them attractive or if you gain weight, worry if they will leave you.

    That isn't love.

    I've been with my husband since I was 14 years old. Relationships are not complicated but they take a lot of work from both sides. When you meet the right person, there will not be an issue like this.
  • SeasideOasis
    SeasideOasis Posts: 1,057 Member
    First off - He doesn't deserve you. When I started dating my boyfriend almost five years ago, I was 35-40 pounds lighter than I am today. If he told me tomorrow he has a problem with my weight, knowing that I've been motivated to eat better, hit the gym, etc, I'd tell him it was time to move into he's Mom's spare bedroom. No one needs to be treated disrespectfully.

    If he were a true person, who did love you as he says, he would stand NEXT to you (physically or mentally) while you work towards your goals. My boyfriend and I talk very opening about my weight, but he does it respectfully and mindfully.

    I know you are sad now, as anything relationship is hard to walk away from, but in a few months, you'll be all the better because of it. Remember that the point is for YOU to be happy with your body, not to please him.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

    no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

    and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



    and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

    I mean, with a nice guy like you out there, who wouldn't want to get on the Tinder saddle?

    when i'm the saddle... lots of ladies here would babe.

    im-so-giddy-i-cant-contain-myself.gif
  • Nuka_Gina
    Nuka_Gina Posts: 92 Member
    I've don't know what you look like or who you are but you are beautiful! You are caring, compassionate, and kind. This guy doesn't deserve you.

    This is just me, but don't "fix' yourself for him. Be the person you want to be, and don't do it for anyone else other than you and know that you are WORTH it!

    I'm so sorry for what you went through.
  • _Dhiraj_
    _Dhiraj_ Posts: 63
    na.I have rejected many though
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

    ^^ This!

    Online relationships never work out because the person that people make up in their mind and the person they are in reality usually always clash. See this as a learning experience and work on getting yourself healthy for YOU, not for anyone else.

    I'll let my wife of 23+ years know this valuable information...that since she and I met online 24 years ago and started developing a relationship online prior to meeting in person many months later, that it's just not going to work out.

    She'll be devastated...

    ...or relieved. One of these. Maybe both. But it was inevitable that it wasn't going to work out...because never.
  • yellowlemoned
    yellowlemoned Posts: 335 Member
    I think I can speak from experience here. I spoke with my current boyfriend online for many many months before we ever met, it just wasn't feasible for us before that. I told him I was overweight and was working on losing weight before we ever met but never told him exactly HOW overweight I was (much more than you by the way.) He told me he loved me and a number on a scale would never change that.

    When I finally did get the chance to met him I was incredibly nervous. He reassured me after meeting me that while I was much more overweight than he was expecting, he still loved me and always would, but that it might take some time for his brain to process everything. He insisted he didn't want to leave me or stop talking because of my weight, he wanted to help me get healthy. Six months later we moved in together and have been happy ever since.

    I'm thinking your boyfriend may be feeling the same thing, but not wording it quite as well. It's always a shock to meet someone and realize they aren't exactly they way you pictured them in your mind. However, if I'm wrong and he has lost some or even all interest because of an extra 40 pounds, then good riddance.

    Nobody's love for you should ever be conditionally based around your weight.
  • hi everyone

    i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".

    so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.

    i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.

    Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.

    It sounds like he wasn't physically attracted to you. That's a separate issue from liking/loving you as a person. It isn't something that can be faked, especially for men. It has to hurt to have found out the way you did but you are better off that he was honest and it sounds like he tried to let you down easy, which was kind of him. I would personally use it as the giant reality check that you mentioned. And for what it's worth, there will be other guys who may be physically attracted to you with the extra 40 pounds or not.

    I'm not trying to be harsh. When I was single, I had several male friends that i was close to, loved and respected, who I learned had 'crushes' on me. I wasn't physically attracted to them though. That says nothing about what I loved about them as people, but physical attraction really DOES matter in a romantic relationship. Does it last forever? Maybe not. But it does matter. And for what it's worth, recognizing that I could love and care about a man but not find him physically attractive (whether due to weight or something else) helped me not take it personally as a overweight young woman when I would crush on a guy and the feeling wasn't mutual. It wasn't about the kind of person I was or whether or not he liked ME....he just didn't find me attractive. Big deal.

    Eventually I found THE guy where the attraction was mutual AND we liked each other very much as people. And we've been together 15 years now.
  • Tomboly1
    Tomboly1 Posts: 42
    Two words of advice for you:

    1. No matter what they say, no one will ever love you unconditionally. There are ALWAYS conditions. Make sure you know what they are before you become involved.

    2. You will never be happy in a relationship/ someone else be happy in a relationship with you unless you are happy with yourself. It is evident you have self esteem issues and you tie your self worth to others opinions. Until you accept your assets and your flaws you won't be able to be happy and healthy.
  • thavoice
    thavoice Posts: 1,326 Member
    hi everyone

    i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".

    so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.

    i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.

    Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7dLU6fk9QY


    Instead of trying to find a soulmate online.....LOOK UP!
  • MrTolerable
    MrTolerable Posts: 1,593 Member

    no one is paying me.. but its clearly the only socially acceptable dating app that doesn't make you a total loozer.

    Ehhh I don't know... you sure? Really?

    lmao.. I'm sure.. but for the pleasure I've graced some women with Tinder should be throwing some money at me for pimping me out.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member

    no one is paying me.. but its clearly the only socially acceptable dating app that doesn't make you a total loozer.

    Ehhh I don't know... you sure? Really?

    lmao.. I'm sure.. but for the pleasure I've graced some women with Tinder should be throwing some money at me for pimping me out.

    Well, you certainly aren't lacking in self-confidence...

    ..so at least you have that going for you.