Help! hurtful comment from partner
lil_sam28
Posts: 4
I have been with my partner for around 4 years and known him for 9 years.
We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc
I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.
Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...
Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.
Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?
We have broached the subject of marriage many times but he has pushed it off as "it'll happen when it does" etc
I have always struggled with my weight and currently (not at my heaviest) 84kgs / 162cm.
Last week the topic of marriage come up again, and finally my partner told me "I would've proposed to you last year but I cant at your current weight. He went on to mention that he has dropped hints for a while now about me losing weight but he has given up. He doesn't know how I can "disrespect" myself or him for not taking care of myself. He says he loves me but cant marry me and this weight. I wouldn't like to have a wedding at my current weight, but I don't think it should be in the way of a proposal...
Now, normally this guy isn't a jerk and I think this has come from concern but I don't know where to from here. I drop in and out of hating him for not loving me unconditionally and wanting to prove him wrong. I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough. Yet on the other hand, I want weight loss for me just as much as he does.
I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.
Should I accept this "hurt" from him or is it a case of if you cant say something, who can?
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Replies
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Advance Harshness Warning: You are you. You will still be you 50lbs heavier or lighter. This is emotionally abusive talk and he's a total d*ck.
Do better elsewhere, if you lose the weight (though if your pic is current, what weight to lose?) you will be too blonde to get married, or too tall or too something else.0 -
A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.0 -
If he can't accept you the way you are, why would you want to marry someone like that.0
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Marry a man who will love you unconditionally, whether you're 150 lbs or 350 lbs.0
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To be honest it sounds more like a total BS excuse. Maybe he's scared of the commitment or just doesn't want the hassle of a marriage. However its frankly tough t*t! If he doesn't want to that's fine but that's the naffiest reason I've ever heard.
Sorry OP but maybe there's other issues going on.
*On a re read you stated 'we have broached' the subject of marriage. I'm wondering though if its a 'we' conversation that keeps cropping up. Or just a 'you' conversation?0 -
His motives would be a strong predictor. What will happen when you get pregnant? How is he going to treat you during that time of rapid growth? You are 20 kgs over weight. Seems harsh to hold off on a proposal over that. Sounds like he is making excuses. Try talking to him, perhaps counselling. If not as a couple, at least for yourself so you can feel better.0
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What came up for me when I read this is questions...
Jump down the line and you are married to this person and may have children with him... if his 'support' is to with-hold affection or a act of love from you until you are 'good enough'... then he is clearly setting the terms of the relationship and your opinion or wants count for very little. Do you want to be in a relationship that leaves your voice, your choices as an afterthought?
Would you want children? If so, will you let this person also dictate when this should be, how they should be raised, how you should be a mother. He is already telling you what is going to happen in your life... and if you are happy to settle for a life in the passenger seat of his car... then good luck.
If not, its time to draw a line and work towards a life on your terms, with your goals and your dreams. Find someone who builds you up and helps you towards them, not one who holds them to ransom because you don't meet his expectation.
Love and light to you xxx You make me grateful that I made those kind of hard choices a long time ago. And you are stronger than you think x0 -
Do you have children with him?
The reason I ask is does he know that if children come along the female body will change and he doesn't sound to me that type that would embrace a natural baby bearing women shape. If it was me I'd be beyond heartbroken and would feel I had lost something with him. How long has he had these feelings?
Plus another poster hit the nail on the head about "don't love me at my worst, then don't deserve me at my best" I can not agree with this statement more. I'm sorry that you had your supposedly best friend turn on you in this way.0 -
Hello,
This seems really awful a situation. I'm sorry you are in it! My concern would be that, even if you lost all the weight and he could then propose (which by the way, I think is total rubbish - he should love you for you not your weight or size!) what if you put the weight back on?
I lost a bit of weight, got pregnant, put it all back on (and a little bit extra) and have been fighting to get it back off for 18 months. I'm not there yet but I will be.
If that happened to you would he feel that you were 'disrespecting' him???
I don't know what to advise but just something for you to consider when making your decision about what to do.
BTW I would probably do some to spite myself, because that is what I like! I would lose a ton of weight and then when he proposed tell him no!!! ha ha! THAT IS NOT ADVISE! :-)0 -
Love outside blood relations is rarely unconditional. That said, your boyfriend's dreams of marriage don't include you--they include someone he finds more attractive. What makes you think, when you lose the weight, he will decide you're good enough? What makes you think, if you're good enough then, you will be even if you regain some weight after pregnancy? I don't think he's a jerk--I simply think this relationship isn't "the one" either of you is looking for. At some point you should both break free--so he can find someone he's crazy about, and you can find someone who's crazy about you.
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Seriously just sounds like an excuse. If you lost the weight, he would probably just have another reason why "Now is just not the time"
ETA: My ex was also a bit of a "I want you to lose weight for your health" guy. I am sure he meant it like that, but the pressure I felt was such that it actually hindered my weight loss, and I have done much better with my weight loss since we broke up.0 -
Go on youtube and find the Billy Joel song "Just the way you are". Play it and listen to the words. Now play it again. Now think about the messages your partner is giving you.
He is not saying "I'm concerned for your health" or "I worry this might affect your ability to have children" or anything supportive or concerned. He is saying "You are the wrong shape for me to make a commitment."
Move on and make your own weight/health decisions.0 -
Simply put, tell him to get a bigger ****! (u know what!)
What a jerk! that is terrible!
Your partner can say, "look, darling, i prefer you to be slim"...
BUT TO HAVE THAT AS A REASON for not proposing is outrageous.
Maybe you just need to get him to see he's being v.shallow,
maybe you are in an emotionally unsupportive,even abusive relationship..
This is tough for you. Good luck with it!0 -
Lots of advice so far. thank you
we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight. His brothers wife is a naturally tiny woman and has had no trouble going back to her pre baby weight. His mother isn't a small lady however.
A lot of outside "pressure" is coming in from his family and our friends about when we are getting married. (I try not to push it, he knew my feelings but i didn't want to ruin a surprise so I'm not constantly in his face about it) I asked him how his mother would react if he told her "my weight" was the reason we weren't married yet. He said she's slap him. But he still maintained that men are visual.
I recently went back to uni (to better our futures) and he supports me financially and emotionally with that. he works away 2 weeks on 2 weeks off for me to do uni and us to still survive financially. he also put his career aspirations on hold for me to fulfil mine as a health care professional. He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.
I pushed him further and asked what his ideal for me would be and his "goal" for me is realistic, in that I can reach the size 10-12.
I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.
I know I have to and want to lose weight - but why does it hurt when he has said it?
appreciates everyones point of view.0 -
You're good enough to be in a relationship with for 4 years but not good enough for marriage? How does that work and why is he with you then?
Sounds a bit like killing time until the right one comes along...
He may be trying to motivate you with as much grace as a bull in a china shop but really this isn't the way to do it.0 -
I am so sorry this happened to you. I would be crushed.
I think you need to get to the bottom of where this is coming from. I would have a hard time trusting someone who had said such a thing to me. He would need to explain to me how this could be anything other than a sign of him having a lack of respect of me. It could have been one of those situations where he was talking with his brain turned off (which happens), or it could be that he really feels this way (which I wouldn't be okay with).0 -
No offense there Sam, but it's a mind game(being polite). Today it's the weight, tomorrow it's something else. In my opinion, you should dig down, get some self respect, and move the f--- on. You're only here for a short time, quit wasting it.
My brother (who I no longer talk to going on four years) continuously does this, and openly has a good laugh about how they(women) keep coming back for more. He's a dirt bag, and so is your guy. So quit deluding yourself and start smelling the bull sh-t, or just keep on eating it. The choice is yours.0 -
You want to lose weight. But that doesn't make it not hurt when the person you are thinking of marrying tells you that you aren't good enough at your current weight.0
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Do you cook, clean, babysit, etc? I'm curious because normally when "not quite right" relationships linger it's because they're convenient for the partner who's less interested in marriage. If you took away one or more of those conveniences that he's "not asking for", I wonder how he'd react and what you'd learn.He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.
Per your pic, you're very pretty. You'd have little trouble finding a guy who finds you hot.0 -
He can't marry you at this weight? Well, can he make it out the front door with your foot in his *ss?!
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Do you really want to spend the rest of your life unhappy? That looks like the options with this person. What happens when you're married and at his perfect weight, then after a few months you put on a little bit of weight. is that divorce time?
As others have said, time to find someone that will love you for you. I don't think he's a d#ck, I think what he wants is unrealistic currently and he's trying to make you in to something you are not. It isn't just men that do this, women do it as well. When this happens it's usually best to move on and find someone that will make you happy and not someone that will make you feel guilty about eating for the rest of your life.0 -
You've latched on to a horse's *kitten*, m'lady. Either he's simply a d*ck, as another poster previously posited; or he's incredibly shallow emotionally. Either way, you should seriously consider moving on.............0
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Umm really what has he given up/put on hold? Relationships are supposed to be about compromise. Its great that he's supporting your work aspirations. However the weight loss thing is just shallow. Its not impacting on your health? Or your ability to live your life?
'aside from that you're perfect'. So what happens if you had an injury/illness & gained an additional 50lb? Would he leave you? If you lose the weight get married & gain - will he leave you?
I'm sorry but personally I couldn't live with those doubts in my mind. No one is or ever will be 'perfect'. Another poster is right he's playing mind games. Its hard but you need to move on. Unless you want to spend another 4yrs waiting for him to decide if you're 'good enough'.
I'm sure you are more than fantastic find someone who appreciates it.0 -
I'm sorry he's making you feel the way you're feeling right now. Notice how I put the blame on him, not you. We all have our struggles from time to time, whatever they may be, and a solid-as-a-rock partner's job is to support our weakest points, not bring them down even further.I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.
The fact that he has it in you to in a sense attack your weakest point is a huge red flag for me and I'd almost go as far as call it emotional abuse, if the situation is indeed how you describe it to us.
"I'm perfect otherwise" is utter crap. If you are perfect to someone, it covers the whole package regardless of its size. And you as a person are perfect; wonderful and flawed here and there, but perfect all the same. He seems to have a highly distorted view of what it is all right to ask from a partner and, above all, what his role in your life is supposed to be. This comes from someone, who left her abusive husband, so I do have a certain perspective that not every other woman here has.
ETA
Do you trust him? I wouldn't after such a comment. I'd always have a nagging feeling where else he would fail me, where else he'd have absolutely ridiculous demands, and when he'd hurt me next.0 -
Some great advice here from posters.
Were you this weight when you both started dating?
It's sounding more and more like he's looking for excuses to not get married. The "but I've put my life on hold for you" story only should come up when the other partner has gone off the relationship otherwise it would never be brought up or even thought about if he was besotted with you. There seems to be a little begrudging going on with him? That's not really a good sign and honestly you look so pretty in your picture, maybe it's time to let someone else appreciate you because it doesn't sound like he is anymore.0 -
So...this guy says you're not in "marriage condition," but apparently, you are good enough for him to "enjoy" for the past four years???
You know the old phrase..."Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free." Well...it sounds to me like this guy needs to be cut off from the milk, so to speak. He doesn't deserve it...and he takes it for granted.
You deserve better than that. You really do. My guess is...if you told him you deserve better, and moved on...he'd be begging for you back. But, like others on this string, I wonder what his next criticisms would be.
What he said to you sheds light on of who HE really is. And you are not the problem....he is! You should be glad he showed his true colors to you before you made a huge mistake.0 -
Maybe you should look for someone who shares that sentiment.I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.0 -
It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.0 -
So...this guy says you're not in "marriage condition," but apparently, you are good enough for him to "enjoy" for the past four years???
You know the old phrase..."Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free." Well...it sounds to me like this guy needs to be cut off from the milk, so to speak. He doesn't deserve it...and he takes it for granted.
You deserve better than that. You really do. My guess is...if you told him you deserve better, and moved on...he'd be begging for you back. But, like others on this string, I wonder what his next criticisms would be.
What he said to you sheds light on of who HE really is. And you are not the problem....he is! You should be glad he showed his true colors to you before you made a huge mistake.
Absolutely!0 -
A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
HE WILL KEEP ON COMMING WITH NEW EXCUSE EVERYTIME...
READ THIS LADY'S STORY ON INSTEGRAM @fitalicious_me YOU WILL KNOW WHAT WE ARE ALL TRYING TO TELL YOU0
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