Help! hurtful comment from partner

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  • johnnyhatesjazz
    johnnyhatesjazz Posts: 95 Member
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    Drop him like 3rd period French.. You deserve better Nuff said:smile:
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
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    Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

    And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    Lots of advice so far. thank you

    we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight. His brothers wife is a naturally tiny woman and has had no trouble going back to her pre baby weight. His mother isn't a small lady however.

    A lot of outside "pressure" is coming in from his family and our friends about when we are getting married. (I try not to push it, he knew my feelings but i didn't want to ruin a surprise so I'm not constantly in his face about it) I asked him how his mother would react if he told her "my weight" was the reason we weren't married yet. He said she's slap him. But he still maintained that men are visual.

    I recently went back to uni (to better our futures) and he supports me financially and emotionally with that. he works away 2 weeks on 2 weeks off for me to do uni and us to still survive financially. he also put his career aspirations on hold for me to fulfil mine as a health care professional. He mentioned that he has given a lot for me to do this (true) and all he asks is that I take care of myself.

    I pushed him further and asked what his ideal for me would be and his "goal" for me is realistic, in that I can reach the size 10-12.

    I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.

    I know I have to and want to lose weight - but why does it hurt when he has said it?

    appreciates everyones point of view.

    "he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise. "

    Trust me, with someone like this, you will always be found wanting. I have been there. It is emotionally abusive, and he is not the one for you nor you for him. The financial entanglements will be hard to get out of, but if you want a happy marriage and children, he is not the one.

    Harsh words, but true. I left someone who always found me wanting no matter how thin I got, no matter what I did to try and please him. He spent the next 8 years single and eventually became a priest (true story). Make of that what you will! :laugh:
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    This thread seems to be what he wants. What do you want? He's been honest that one of his conditions is that you be a different size to get married. What are your conditions? If he doesn't want to marry a woman that is overweight, that's his right, but you don't have to be that woman. Are you alright with not being married now due to your size? If you two can't resolve that, maybe it's not the right match. It's impossible to tell without knowing you two.

    Someone else said to tell him to pee or get off the pot. I think if that's your condition, that's ok. "Let's do this or not, but I'm not willing to accept my weight as the reason we haven't been married after four years. My weight may be a deal breaker for you, but me not being married after all this time is a deal breaker for me. We either need to work this out or let each other go."

    This thread isn't about people reacting to him criticizing your weight. It's people reacting to your weight being a condition on whether or not he wants to marry you. Some people are ok with that. Are you?
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,775 Member
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    I find myself crying when I exercise thinking, I'll never be enough.

    tl;dr all the responses, but your answer is right there^^
  • fullersun35
    fullersun35 Posts: 162 Member
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    Perhaps he is just concerned for your health and has poor communication skills?
  • yellowsnowdrop
    yellowsnowdrop Posts: 154 Member
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    I was married to a jerk like yours (SORRY!!) for 20 years. ALWAYS ALWAYS nagging about my weight to the point that I was hospitalised for clinical depression and bulaemia,did he care NOPE,NOT A JOT.In the end he left me and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm remarried to a sweet and caring man who loves me whatever I eat or don't, or however I exercise or don't.
    I'm REALLY sorry and this is harsh but if he doesn't accept you now for how you are you need to think seriously about your future together.He absolutely has to love you for what's on the inside and NOT just what's on the outside or else what'll happen 40 or 50 years down the line ??Will he leave you because he doesn't like your wrinkles????
  • jessica_120214
    jessica_120214 Posts: 68 Member
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    Kick him straight in the balls and then to the curb! Good riddance! What a douche bag!! You are beautiful, btw!

    And it begins. MFP is nothing if not predictable

    It was meant to add some humor to a very touchy subject. Jesus Christ get a sense of humor! The OP is a beautiful woman and will ultimately do what is best for her and her situation.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    If his attitude is "It'll happen when it does" do you intend for us to believe that the both of you brought it up when you say "We have broached the subject of marriage many times," or rather you keep bringing it up and that's his response to you? From the sounds of it, you are bringing it up and he is shutting the idea down. He's being straightforward with you, and that is commendable. He's in his happy place where he can come and go and his assets and other legal interests are protected if he finds someone that is marriage material for him.

    Bottom line: you chose to stay with him and piss away 4 years (or 15%) of your life that you could have devoted to someone else.
  • laurie62ann
    laurie62ann Posts: 433 Member
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    My husband has loved me thru "thick/250 pounds" and "thin/170 pounds". If your asking for advice, here's mine "run in the other direction!!
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
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    It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.

    Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.

    To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.

    Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.

    For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.

    Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.

    My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?

    Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?

    One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.

    Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.

    ^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.

    I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?

    I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)

    Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
    I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.

    As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.

    Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.

    There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.

    He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.
    In my opinion he didn't just criticize her weight. He took an active step in a direction that is psychological abuse. He might not move further in that direction but none of us knows and I don't think it is wrong to alert OP to ponder whether there are other signs or not. I've survived a short but intense marriage with heavy psychological abuse and this is how it started, not the exact same situation but a similar pattern.

    I lived through his chaos, trying to support and talk, but he didn't want to work on his problems until it was too late. Quite frankly I wasted some really good years on him and can only thank someone in charge that we never got kids together. Emotionally I aged far beyond a decade in the process and while I'm only 35, sometimes I feel double the age; wouldn't wish that torment on anyone.

    If you look back at what I wrote, I'm not telling OP what to do nor did I assume we know the whole situation, including his mental state, but I did what I felt someone would have told me prior to my marrying the ex; it isn't just pink glasses all the time, but everyday life will arrive at some point. I was too scared on some level to admit what was right in front of me and from there on it just escalated. In other words, the signs were there yet I didn't act on them.

    Again, I'm not assuming their situation is like mine, but maybe it will help her or someone else reading to face reality bravely. I feel like myself again, but paid a hell of a price for getting lost for a while. These thoughts aren't directed at anyone in particular, but the train of thoughts quoted seemed like as good as any place to post them into context with.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    I know how you feel and it sucks. As far as accepting how he feels about your weight. I guess I see where he coming from like for example if he is staying in shape he was his spouse to do the same. That is a hurtful way of saying it but he was honest. He says you disrespect yourself that I don't know what he talking about.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
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    I'm sure it's been said (didn't read all the comments), but if it wasn't your weight holding him back it would be something else. There's something below the surface going on with him.
  • mzfrizz15
    mzfrizz15 Posts: 135 Member
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    I've only read the OP, forgive me if I'm repeating what others said.

    @OP: That man, not matter how much you love him, IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. It is NOT EVER going to get better. He'll find a new "flaw" that will need to be "fixed" before he'll give you what you want. And another after that, and so on and so forth. I've seen too many people I care about deal with people like that and NO ONE deserves that kind of crap.

    Do whatever you need to do to get things untangled, but do not stay with this man. He is not the one for you.
  • WonderWhitney11
    WonderWhitney11 Posts: 78 Member
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    Wow. Think of wedding vows... "for better or for worse". He can't even commit to asking you to marry him in a not-so- terrible time... he's not worth it! You deserve much better than this jerk- no matter how sweet he seems sometimes.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    My comment would be the same if it were a woman setting that condition on her boyfriend, too. "I'll marry you when you're good enough for me in exactly the ways I want." Ok, let her just go find someone who is exactly what she wants. (Much easier said than done.) Part of marriage is marrying someone with their flaws, not for their utter perfection. Again, fine, if someone doesn't want to marry someone overweight. But right now, he's just eating his cake and having it too, while she is the one with demands to meet that she hasn't been able to meet in four years.

    There are women out there he can marry. There are men out there who won't find your weight to be a deal breaker. My concern for the both of you is that if your weight is a perpetual problem for you, why do either of you think this issue won't keep coming back up in your relationship?

    Have you given him any ways to shape up before you'll marry him?
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
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    It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.

    Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.

    To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.

    Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.

    For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.

    Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.

    My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?

    Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?

    One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.

    Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.

    ^ A very good dose of reality. Honestly, this is one of the best responses I've read to one of these posts. There is a real world out there with real relationships, and real relationship problems. Cliches and platitudes sound good on the internet but they don't solve real world problems.

    I agree with some of this... but if someone is already a particular weight, then why be in a relationship with them but then not marry them for their weight? Why not just end the relationship and just let him or her be free to find someone else? Why be in the relationship in the first place?

    I do agree that a spouse/partner does not have unconditional love in the same way a parent does for a child. There is a line beyond which you can't stay married to someone (I know, personal experience, but for reasons that are not related to physical attractiveness).... but if someone is not attracted to someone because of their weight then they're not in love with that person so why get married... even if they lose the weight it's not a good foundation to build a marriage because they're not in love with that person, they're in love with a hypothetical idea of what this person might be like if (add any condition here, because this applies to any way you could ask a person to change)

    Weight isn't static and neither are relationships. Two people in a relationship can either learn to adjust or not, but the only way for two people to work through their issues is to talk to each other. Attraction is also multi-dimensional. There are appearance, personality traits, habits, etc. If one of those goes off, is it okay for the partner to try and find out what has happened and express his concern? What's the best way of going about that? Is the partner allowed to make a mistake in wording or is it really all about one partner being unconditionally loved and the other doing the loving knowing that if he makes one mistake it's over (i.e "unconditional" only goes one way)? If breaking up is the first solution offered, and it is in many of these responses, then why bother even thinking about marriage?
    I'm the first to recommend talking about things, but with that said, if things went down the way OP describes it, there are certain lines you just don't cross. Putting ultimatums like her guy has done, bargaining about health, voicing conditions like that is just wrong.

    As has been said by others, we do not know the whole story, but what we clearly hear is how OP feels. That in itself is a truth that should not be ignored. And if her potential husband truly thinks the way he seems to be thinking, can anything change it? If he doesn't have understanding for his own mother and her situation even, then how could he ever change from black-white to greyscale, let alone all the rainbow colours? Certain things adults say and do are "absolute" in my opinion.

    Would you - general you - want your daughter or sister to consider marrying someone, who puts ultimatums on things (in quite the self-centered way I might add)? That's the way he will bring up his offspring, too. Love is one thing, but there is so much more to sharing the everyday life with a partner.

    There's fun, laughter and tears, but also lots of practical matters. Is it realistic to expect to stay healthy, fresh and "young" for the rest of one's life? I don't think so. What's stopping an appearance-focussed person to trade out someone to a fresher version later in life? I'm an optimist, but life has taught me to remember the realism, as well. In the end nobody but OP can answer whether this guy is a good investment or not.

    He criticized her weight. I guess that's it. Relationship over. No need for more detail, background, what was said before, consideration for his emotional state at the time, etc. No wonder most marriages end in divorce. It seems it's a one way street with so many.
    In my opinion he didn't just criticize her weight. He took an active step in a direction that is psychological abuse. He might not move further in that direction but none of us knows and I don't think it is wrong to alert OP to ponder whether there are other signs or not. I've survived a short but intense marriage with heavy psychological abuse and this is how it started, not the exact same situation but a similar pattern.

    I lived through his chaos, trying to support and talk, but he didn't want to work on his problems until it was too late. Quite frankly I wasted some really good years on him and can only thank someone in charge that we never got kids together. Emotionally I aged far beyond a decade in the process and while I'm only 35, sometimes I feel double the age; wouldn't wish that torment on anyone.

    If you look back at what I wrote, I'm not telling OP what to do nor did I assume we know the whole situation, including his mental state, but I did what I felt someone would have told me prior to my marrying the ex; it isn't just pink glasses all the time, but everyday life will arrive at some point. I was too scared on some level to admit what was right in front of me and from there on it just escalated. In other words, the signs were there yet I didn't act on them.

    Again, I'm not assuming their situation is like mine, but maybe it will help her or someone else reading to face reality bravely. I feel like myself again, but paid a hell of a price for getting lost for a while. These thoughts aren't directed at anyone in particular, but the train of thoughts quoted seemed like as good as any place to post them into context with.

    Her situation is not yours. He is not your ex. These are two unique individuals with a problem that either can be worked out or it cannot. It starts with a conversation with him about her feelings. Perhaps then counseling. Maybe he's a controlling jerk, but if you read the OP there is some reason to think otherwise. I don't know. Neither does anyone else responding. One thing is for certain, however, if she doesn't raise the issue with him then the problem will fester.
  • taramaclaren
    taramaclaren Posts: 95 Member
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    This makes me so sad to read. I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you, but at least it happened before you were married to a man who will not love you unconditionally.

    I know this is hard to hear... but you deserve and NEED to be with a partner who will love you regardless. Imagine having a baby with this man - this comment will follow you around for the rest of your relationship with him.

    You deserve to feel safe, secure, and loved.

    I can think of a way for you to drop some weight quickly - lose the 200 lbs that is this guy. He needs to be set free to grow up. You need to find relationship that will support you through all phases of life.

    Note from my personal experience - I gained 20lbs right after I got married. You know, nesting and all that. My husband never said a single thing and though I felt unattractive he didn't even seem to NOTICE. I have lost it and then some, but the way my husband looks at and treats me has not changed from day one to now. '

    Your weight is your own personal challenge and anyone who feels like they can weigh in needs to GTFO.
  • sweetcurlz67
    sweetcurlz67 Posts: 1,168 Member
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    Sorry to hear you are going through this. :flowerforyou:

    I think this is a perfect opportunity for you to give each other some space. If you are able to depend on yourself to get through schooling, my opinion is to do just that. Concentrate on YOU. You are still young and you are at a great position in life.... no kids.

    I would tell him, he's right. I would move out and tell him "we can be friends. I love you too much to have you waste your time with someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with. Take the time to work on you, your health and your worth. :flowerforyou:

    If you take this from him now. As others have stated, expect the rest of the relationship to go in this direction.

    If you love yourself more than someone else, you will not accept this behavior. I think if you show him, you value yourself more than anything. He will either realize what you mean to him, regardless of your size, or you guys were not meant to be.

    You have a lot of years to live, if you are meant to be happy with this person. It will happen... sooner or later. :flowerforyou:

    Couldn't read all the responses, however, this one is spot on!

    I'll also add my lil 2 cents.

    You may also be feeling that you've been with him for a long time and feel that you truly love him even though he's hurt you with this comment. With the time and emotion invested, it's sometimes hard to "give up". I've been there. Stayed in the marriage 22 years with him 24. it was 20 years TOO LONG!!!! please don't make the same mistake I did! However, I did gain the greatest blessing from the marriage.. my son! But... the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse only got worse. and there was some physical as well. I'm trying not to let it affect potential future relationships but how can it not? I hold out hope for a future partner, but who knows? I might be single the rest of my life?

    This is where I'm coming from when I say that you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally, flaws and all. Do it for you. :flowerforyou:
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    I've only read the OP, forgive me if I'm repeating what others said.

    @OP: That man, not matter how much you love him, IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. It is NOT EVER going to get better. He'll find a new "flaw" that will need to be "fixed" before he'll give you what you want. And another after that, and so on and so forth. I've seen too many people I care about deal with people like that and NO ONE deserves that kind of crap.

    Do whatever you need to do to get things untangled, but do not stay with this man. He is not the one for you.

    Emotionally abusive? The guy is being honest GMAFB