what is it with my wife?!
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Ok, you have one daughter. You're gone basically all day. If you're cleaning the kitchen each evening. You're basically producing laundry to the "messy house" for the week and an unmade bed which she sleeps in too.
As your wife and daughter, move through their daily activities, why aren't they...putting away toys, cleaning up after a bath and basically putting things away as they go through their day. If you teach children young that cleaning up what you use, they will learn a good habit growing up.
What is your wife doing during nap time, that she can't be doing a general clean up? Again, if they just take a minute to clean up before moving to the next thing, there would not be much to do.
Since you get 2 hours a night with your daughter, maybe she could split her time. Allowing you a complete hour with your daughter while she does all the housework that is behind for the day. Then spend an hour with you and your daughter before it's bed time.
There's definitely an issue here. Keeping a house is not hard. Watching one child is not hard.
I guess you could offer to change roles. She can go work her back side off to support the family and you stay home. Or, you could begin cutting things like cable and phones because she's clearly way to busy to use them anyway. Why pay the bill.
Time for a little chit chat with your wife and remind her of the agreement.....0 -
The problem and potential resentment is that when you come home, your job is over, and now you can relax. She never gets to do that. She's always on. For people that haven't done it, it's hard to understand. But, imagine being at work everyday all day, never really having a break. Sure, you can go in the break room and have a sandwich, or maybe even a few beers after hours, since there are no customers or bosses around. But, you dont get to just let things go. You are always "on".
It's like that for a SAHM. I'm not saying that they shouldn't keep things clean and tidy. And, that's a very difficult conversation to have. Your standards might be higher than hers. I know that I took care of the babies a few times, and it's not really exhausting, but it's soooooooo boring, that I'd get tired from boredom. I hate watching babies. It's just boring as all hell, and I'd fall asleep on the couch while they're playing with their blocks or whatever. I'm not nurturing. So, for me, it's about what they need. I fulfill the need, and it's the end. LOL. So, it's hard because it sucks. LOL, not because it's actually hard. When I did it, the house was spotless, and dinner was made.
I disagree. You're always "on" as a parent -- so in that respect, yes, there's always children to oversee..
However, it's her job as a SAHM to prioritize her work to get it done efficiently. She has more than enough time, as we all do, at our jobs.
Husband is done with his work, he should be able to relax...not necessarily from being a DAD, but from doing housework, most definitely!
Wife should already have the housework done. She can relax from doing that, if said work is done...from being a MOM, no she must tend to the kids (with the dad) like any/all parents do 24/7.0 -
I doubt you realize how much housework she actually does.
Keeping a tidy house with a child between 6 months and 5 years old is nearly impossible. They make messes faster than you can clean them up. The amount of laundry and dishes jumps disproportionately for such a little person. They spill a lot more, so dusting, spot cleaning, and vacuuming have to be done a lot more often. It's completely different than taking care of a house with just 2 adults in it.
If you get home to even a reasonable clean house (ie, only small amounts of toys, laundry, dishes, etc strewn all over the place) then she's probably spending a fair amount of that nap time tidying up, putting in a load of laundry (or folding it), getting dishes to the kitchen, or cleaning up the chaos of the morning. Honestly, a child can take a very clean home to looking like it was hit by a lvl 5 hurricane in about 20 minutes!
Also remember that you get breaks at work. I'm sure you get at least a 30 minute lunch and a couple of 15 minute breaks (most jobs provide this for an 8+ hour shift). Her lunch is probably spent feeding the baby and making sure there isn't a massive mess or choking (or waits until the baby is asleep). She probably doesn't even get to pee in private. So, yeah, she deserves to take some of that time to sit back and relax.
I agree that you need to talk with her, but not in a "it's not fair that I'm doing all this work" way ... do it more in a "help me understand what you do during the day" approach and you may gain a new appreciation for how much she does.0 -
The problem and potential resentment is that when you come home, your job is over, and now you can relax. She never gets to do that. She's always on. For people that haven't done it, it's hard to understand. But, imagine being at work everyday all day, never really having a break. Sure, you can go in the break room and have a sandwich, or maybe even a few beers after hours, since there are no customers or bosses around. But, you dont get to just let things go. You are always "on".
It's like that for a SAHM. I'm not saying that they shouldn't keep things clean and tidy. And, that's a very difficult conversation to have. Your standards might be higher than hers. I know that I took care of the babies a few times, and it's not really exhausting, but it's soooooooo boring, that I'd get tired from boredom. I hate watching babies. It's just boring as all hell, and I'd fall asleep on the couch while they're playing with their blocks or whatever. I'm not nurturing. So, for me, it's about what they need. I fulfill the need, and it's the end. LOL. So, it's hard because it sucks. LOL, not because it's actually hard. When I did it, the house was spotless, and dinner was made.
I disagree. You're always "on" as a parent -- so in that respect, yes, there's always children to oversee..
However, it's her job as a SAHM to prioritize her work to get it done efficiently. She has more than enough time, as we all do, at our jobs.
Husband is done with his work, he should be able to relax...not necessarily from being a DAD, but from doing housework, most definitely!
Wife should already have the housework done. She can relax from doing that, if said work is done...from being a MOM, no she must tend to the kids (with the dad) like any/all parents do 24/7.
What she said. To a tee.0 -
PPD?? It's real and it could be affecting her mood/energy level. Any signs of depression there? If so maybe she should go see her dr. I feel for OP because I'm sure you work very hard for your family but I think there might be a reason behind her behavior. Best of luck to you and your new little family
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I would just have a talk with her and tell her you promise to try your best to do as much as you can, and she can agree to do the same, and if the house is a little bit messy sometimes, the world will go on. Enjoy your baby. :flowerforyou:0
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just withhold sex until she complies.0
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Hi there,
I get you love your daughter but mayb your wife would like your time,just a thought.
Good luck0 -
Withholding sex as a negotiation tactic is very very wrong.
Just give her a monthly performance review.
jk0 -
There was a study that suggests the daughters of men who help with housework are more motivated in their adult lives. Something about equal rights / equal responsibility. Sounds radical, I know. One thing no one has asked you is your level of involvement with the kid when you get home? When you come home do you relieve your wife of her job or does she continue to work (because it IS work) beyond standard business hours?
You can read the findings: Croft, A., Schmader, T., Block, K., & Baron, A.S. (in press). The second shift reflected in the second generation: When fathers help out at home, daughters are less stereotypic. Psychological Science. doi: 10.1177/0956797614533968
or go to this article: http://globalnews.ca/news/1359146/want-your-daughter-to-break-barriers-dads-should-do-chores-study/0 -
When you get home, do you completely take over supervising said 11 month old child so wife gets time off from "work"? Because if not, bear in mind that looking after a small child is otherwise a job from which she NEVER GETS A BREAK. She can't even go to the bathroom without worrying about what the kid is up to. It's not just a 9-5 job that you oh-so-graciously concede she works hard at during the day.
Let her have her 3-4 hours off, man. Moms need "me time" to keep from going crazy.0 -
im a SAHM of 4 and i consider the house my responsibility (that include cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc). childcare is mostly my responsibility too only because he works long hours. while he is at home (weekends basically), childcare is equal since i dont consider myself as more our kids parent than he is. (he isnt "helping me" by taking care of our children. he is being a parent.) my husbands household jobs are fixing things, and other "manly" chores. of course, if i ask for help, he will have no problem helping and is generally helpful when he is at home.
this works for us because i am not overwhelmed (usually!) and am happy to be a mommy and housewife. he works hard earning our money and is not exactly taking it easy.
if your wife is overwhelmed with her cleaning responsibility, you need to find out why. maybe she needs to get more organized and have some sort of cleaning schedule or something. everybody is different and has different strengths, abilities, and interests. i think you can discuss the division of labor without attacking and accusing her of not doing anything all day (something a SAHM never wants to hear!). good luck!0 -
I am sorry but I am a stay at home mom and I belive it is my job to clean and take care of the house. My husband works hard for this family to provide so I can love and play with my kids during the day. I don't see why she can't get the chores done. Are there some days where I am just so tired I don't get to everything YES! But I don't ask my husband to pick up my slack and he does not ask me to go into work for him to take care of things he could not get to at his job. Once my husband is home I want him free to spend time with us as a family not do my housework.
I know I am old fashion and not in the majority here but I just wanted to give my two cents on this. Sometimes us women just need to step up to the plate a little more.0 -
The same could be said of him. He doesn't get a break from being the sole earner, does he?When you get home, do you completely take over supervising said 11 month old child so wife gets time off from "work"? Because if not, bear in mind that looking after a small child is otherwise a job from which she NEVER GETS A BREAK. She can't even go to the bathroom without worrying about what the kid is up to. It's not just a 9-5 job that you oh-so-graciously concede she works hard at during the day.
Let her have her 3-4 hours off, man. Moms need "me time" to keep from going crazy.
You guys act like being a stay at home mom of one is the hardest thing in the world.:noway:0 -
SAHM here! My issue with my DH is that he doesn't clean up after himself. He works 9 hours minimum, sometimes 10-12 hours, and third shift at that. I don't expect him to do much during the week but take the trash out. However, it makes me see red that he doesn't clean up messes that he makes. He gets a bowl of cereal, leaves the cereal out and the bowl on the table. Empty milk jug on the table. Laundry is on the floor half the time. He leaves empty cans by his side of the bed. I don't mind doing 90% of the housework, but I'm not a maid! I refuse to go around cleaning up behind him.
So, if you are slacking cleaning up messes that you make, improve on that. If you and your wife both clean up as you go, that cuts down on how long it takes to do the chores.0 -
Having a kid is hard on both parents. No matter how hard you try, even if you BOTH worked outside the home, the distribution of housework will never be 50/50. Do you have a spare bedroom? Perhaps you could bring on a roommate who cleans around the house in exchange for reduced rent. Or bring on a roommate at full price and hire a cleaner once a week with the money. In my early 20s I lived with a couple who had a young child. It was a pretty good arrangement for all of us.
But if that isn't an option, there is probably some room to let a few things slide. Cleaning the kitchen every single day, in particular, sounds like overkill to me. Once or twice a week is sufficient as long as there are still clean dishes to eat from (and no mold growing in the corners, etc). If you run out of dishes after letting them slide for a few days, buy more dishes!
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It's nice to have some support from hubby when being a SAHM but there needs to be ground rules. Doing chores on the weekend is one thing but working long hours then being nagged when you get home is something else. Not sure how you start the conversation without it turning into a fight though.
My husband lost is job 6 months ago and worked part-time for a while then nothing at all. I still dropped the kids off at school and didn't get home till 6pm, he'd cook something quick and easy (ie unhealthy) for dinner for 4 nights of the week then refuse to cook at all for the other 3 nights. He would mow the lawns every few months but I still had to look after the rest of the grounds. My expectations are really high so I'd still do most of the cleaning and tidying up. I'm so bitter and resentful it has really affected my marriage - don't let that happen to you.0 -
I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:
She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).
To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.
However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.
I agree 100% percent. I am a stay at home mom... MY JOB is to cook, clean, and take care of my 3 1/2 year old daughter. My husband goes to work every day and I don't expect him to do anything other than take out the trash. He shouldn't have to come home and work after being at work all day.
If she doesn't want to handle the ALL of the responsibility of being a SAHM then she doesn't need to be one.
SMH at some women.... ugh...0 -
When I was on maternity leave, my husband gave me so much crap because I was staying at home caring for our newborn, breastfeeding every few hours, hadn't slept in 6 weeks, etc. When my son turned 18 months, my husband became a stay at home dad for two years. HE DID NOTHING ALL DAY LONG. Not even exaggerating because I also worked at home, so I knew what he did all day and it was nothing. But I will tell you one thing. He apologized for giving me such crap when I was on maternity leave. He said he didn't realize how hard caring for a child all the time was. Now mind you, he most certainly was not sleep deprived like I was at the beginning. Regardless, being a stay at home parent is a TON of work. If she does nothing for those 3 or 4 hours during a nap, WHO CARES! Maybe you both can do chores together after the baby is in bed. That's how my husband and I split it up and he was so grateful. I told him if he became a stay at home dad he had to do everything including all of the chores. It never happened, and I didn't care. I told him that simply to prove to him that giving me such a hard time, especially when I was a postpartum sleep deprived maniac, was a bad idea.
Your house doesn't have to be spotless. And don't stress your wife out about it. Having a not so spotless house was a huge change because I'm such a neat freak, but I've comes to terms with it since having a child. She has a 24/7 job, you get to get away from your job when you come home. She doesn't. To this day, my husband said staying at home was the hardest job he has ever had. And I KNOW your wife works harder than my lazy husband... cause he literally did nothing but feed our child, which was enough for me!
Sincerely,
The main bread winner for our entire marriage. In fact, he's only working because my son is going to private school.0 -
How do I ask my wife to do more housework while she is at home?
Really?
Grow a pair and talk with her. If you can't figure out housework chores you'll have a heck of a time with finances and serious issues.0 -
Mine too! He is a pig! (Oh I work F/T) but before him, I was a single Mom of three teenagers, and worked two jobs. Now We have a 4 year old (my older 3 are grown.) My house was NEVER as dirty as it is now. I cannot keep up.SAHM here! My issue with my DH is that he doesn't clean up after himself. He works 9 hours minimum, sometimes 10-12 hours, and third shift at that. I don't expect him to do much during the week but take the trash out. However, it makes me see red that he doesn't clean up messes that he makes. He gets a bowl of cereal, leaves the cereal out and the bowl on the table. Empty milk jug on the table. Laundry is on the floor half the time. He leaves empty cans by his side of the bed. I don't mind doing 90% of the housework, but I'm not a maid! I refuse to go around cleaning up behind him.
So, if you are slacking cleaning up messes that you make, improve on that. If you and your wife both clean up as you go, that cuts down on how long it takes to do the chores.0 -
Work can be done while the kid is awake to, I did it.0
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Mine too! He is a pig! (Oh I work F/T) but before him, I was a single Mom of three teenagers, and worked two jobs. Now We have a 4 year old (my older 3 are grown.) My house was NEVER as dirty as it is now. I cannot keep up.SAHM here! My issue with my DH is that he doesn't clean up after himself. He works 9 hours minimum, sometimes 10-12 hours, and third shift at that. I don't expect him to do much during the week but take the trash out. However, it makes me see red that he doesn't clean up messes that he makes. He gets a bowl of cereal, leaves the cereal out and the bowl on the table. Empty milk jug on the table. Laundry is on the floor half the time. He leaves empty cans by his side of the bed. I don't mind doing 90% of the housework, but I'm not a maid! I refuse to go around cleaning up behind him.
So, if you are slacking cleaning up messes that you make, improve on that. If you and your wife both clean up as you go, that cuts down on how long it takes to do the chores.
While we all have our crosses to bear, bottom line is.....y'all picked them to be the father of your kids so what does that say about you?
OP, have a talk with her about it. Hope it all works out for you.0 -
Now mind you if her day keeps going when his is done then he can pitch in a little.0
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S wel as doing all the yard workWork can be done while the kid is awake to, I did it.0 -
Amen, Crimson.0
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We have three kiddos and it can get pretty crazy. We take turns with giving the kids bath, turns reading the bedtime story, and most importantly we divide the household duties up. Seriously, either way you slice it you both deserve respect and consideration. I would let her know how I feel and ask her for suggestions. Try to be as sincere as possible.
Ex: Honey, I really want to spend more time helping take care of our daughter. She is amazing and I feel like I am missing out. What do you think about trading duties every other night? I could take care getting her ready for bed and perhaps you could finish the dishes or fold the laundry?0 -
Dunno if I missed it but I'd be curious to know what she's asking you to do that you feel is "80%" of the chores... You may have no idea exactly how much she's done throughout the day compared to what she's asking your help with.
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If I were you, I would not sacrifice one minute away from my daughter. Period. Now after her bed time, I suggest the two of you team up, and do the chores together.
That's what my wife and I do now, and will do once we have children. No way around it. You're married. You got to work through this together.0 -
Maybe your wife is dealing with more problems than meets the eye. As a SAHM she might be struggling to follow a self-made schedule. Maybe she never feels accomplished at the end of the day as someone that doesn't earn money for her home. Or maybe she gets lonely and craves more social interaction.
I don't really understand how a single-child household could get even remotely dirty enough to cause such problems.. especially for someone that is home all day. While I am a young, single mama I never felt that caring for my child was more than I could manage on top of the basic cleaning within a home. I think she needs some excitement, some romance, and some spice in her life to take the edge off.0
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