what is it with my wife?!
Replies
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Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.
This. But you need to grow some balls first.0 -
Dunno if I missed it but I'd be curious to know what she's asking you to do that you feel is "80%" of the chores... You may have no idea exactly how much she's done throughout the day compared to what she's asking your help with.
Here's what I already do:
-My 10-12 hour daily job
-All yardwork
-All trash & recycling collecting and removal
-All maintenance of the garage(dunno how, but it seems to get messy all the time)
-Always keep the kitchen clean
I clean up after myself. She does not. She leaves food out and all over the place, all the time.
What she is not asking me to do in addition to what I currently do:
-Vacuum(She doesnt even like how I vacuum so not sure why, but whatever)
-Dust
-Clean bathrooms
I don't even know what stuff is left other than "General Tidying Up"? and looking after the dogs.
Regarding my daughter:
-I give her bath time on all nights she needs it.
-We share story time every night, 1 reads 2 books, the other reads 1, and that switches each night
-My wife puts the baby to sleep after bath/story time.
After the baby is asleep we stay up for a few hours, so she can pump(breast milk) and while she is doing that, that's my "free time" to clean the kitchen and get some soapy water ready to wash her pump stuff.
I hope that clears things up a bit for you.0 -
so who makes beds/washes laundry/irons clothes/mops floors?0
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so who makes beds/washes laundry/irons clothes/mops floors?
no one makes the bed... she washes laundry, I fold and put away. ...I buy clothes that don't require ironing, because I suck at ironing.
She mops the floors about once every 2 weeks.
Sorry I missed those.0 -
Oh boy.... good luck bro!0
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I don't understand this at all.
If I was in a position to be a stay at home Mom for a few years, I would make it a point to ensure the house is clean, dinner is on the table, etc. I actually think that sounds a hell of a lot more fun than corporate America.0 -
Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later
Best $80 a week I have ever spent.
I would approach it by asking how you can better organize your to-do list so you can spend your evenings with the family, and not the dishes.
That request is pretty hard to argue with.
^^^ this is good advice
OP: does your daugther still wake up a lot in the night? If so your wife's probably constantly exhausted so will be slower at housework because of that. Plus kids basically wreck the place shortly after you tidy it, and your daughter's too young to be expected to clean up after herself, so it's kind of a hiding to nothing doing housework in the middle of the day when you have a kid that age. When they're older, they can help with cleaning up and that makes things easier.
But it does get easier as they get older, although your wife might choose to go back to work by then, in which case you'll still be in the same boat, but hiring a housekeeper could be a solution, especially with 2 of you working.0 -
I was a single mom of 2 kids when they were 2 and 4 years old. I worked full time, cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, and even worked part time at night ...just to make ends meet.
Sorry folks... but there is no excuse! Just like there is no excuse NOT to workout.
It can be done. She is lucky to have you support her financially and emotionally... so she should give just a bit more. Unless she is lazy and doesn't want a clean house. Write down the chores and compromise.0 -
Dunno if I missed it but I'd be curious to know what she's asking you to do that you feel is "80%" of the chores... You may have no idea exactly how much she's done throughout the day compared to what she's asking your help with.
Here's what I already do:
-My 10-12 hour daily job
-All yardwork
-All trash & recycling collecting and removal
-All maintenance of the garage(dunno how, but it seems to get messy all the time)
-Always keep the kitchen clean
I clean up after myself. She does not. She leaves food out and all over the place, all the time.
What she is not asking me to do in addition to what I currently do:
-Vacuum(She doesnt even like how I vacuum so not sure why, but whatever)
-Dust
-Clean bathrooms
I don't even know what stuff is left other than "General Tidying Up"? and looking after the dogs.
Regarding my daughter:
-I give her bath time on all nights she needs it.
-We share story time every night, 1 reads 2 books, the other reads 1, and that switches each night
-My wife puts the baby to sleep after bath/story time.
After the baby is asleep we stay up for a few hours, so she can pump(breast milk) and while she is doing that, that's my "free time" to clean the kitchen and get some soapy water ready to wash her pump stuff.
I hope that clears things up a bit for you.
I don't know how you go about resolving this. I don't even think you should be responsible for kitchen cleanup, imo. She's chosen to be the SAHP, taking care of the home is part of that role.0 -
I was a single mom of 2 kids when they were 2 and 4 years old. I worked full time, cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, and even worked part time at night ...just to make ends meet.
Sorry folks... but there is no excuse! Just like there is no excuse NOT to workout.
It can be done. She is lucky to have you support her financially and emotionally... so she should give just a bit more. Unless she is lazy and doesn't want a clean house. Write down the chores and compromise.
I agree with this so much. I did it and still do it. I'm fortunate that my SO helps out around the house even though he and I both work. We both appreciate what we have in each other. He gets upset with me, though, because I feel like I have to do everything. I've done it, though and I like the way I do it lol I also agree with the above posters..If I had the opportunity to stay at home (we have 3 boys between us, also), the house would be cleaned every day with dinner on the table when he came home. It's doable.0 -
It's so true. People would come over and say, "um, I thought you had kids?" Yup, I do, but I taught them to pick up after themselves too, when they were done for the night (7pm they were in bed every night)... I would clean up until the house was done.
I hired a landscaper to clean the yard too.
Look, people can make excuses for anything. I am sure this guy is working hard throughout the day to make sure there is food on the table and a roof over his, his wife and daughter's head. She should be grateful !!
ugh, some people...LOL0 -
I didn't read all the replies, but here's my input. There are 2 adults and a 11 month old living in your house, how much cleaning does your wife need to do a day if you are cleaning the one thing that gets the messiest, the kitchen? If your wife broke up the chores daily she would have lots of "free" time. Vacuum once a week for an hour, laundry once a week for 3 hours, dusting once a week for an hour, food shopping once a week 2 hours. Also if it's took much for her with an 11 month old, what's the plan for when your daughter gets more mobile and starts walking and getting into everything etc. Sounds to be like she needs to make a better plan for her time every day.
It's been a while also since my daughter was 11 months, but I recall her taking morning and afternoon naps. I worked full time, but on the weekends during those afternoon napsI would run out and cut the grass and do yard work.
As to your question of how to tell her, just communicate - tell her what you told us.0 -
I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:
She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).
To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.
However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.
^^^she gets it.
One person goes to work and brings home the money that pays the bills and puts food on the table. The other takes care of the house which means taking care of the baby and the chores during the day. Both jobs are equally important and both need to get done by the person who's job it is to do.0 -
I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:
She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).
To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.
However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.
Yep0 -
Interesting opinions on this topic. I like the idea that you each take 1.5 hours of your free time and divide the work.0
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:laugh: this is not going to end well. Being a stay at home mom is harder than you think. I suggest you take a vacation. 3 days or so, send your wife on a trip with her friends, and take care of the baby see if you feel like cleaning while the baby is asleep.0
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Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.
This, and don't listen to these other women about getting a housekeeper. A stay at home mom has more than enough time to clean the house... Man up and lay down some rules for her.0 -
Marriage shouldn't be 50/50, it should be each person giving 100% and that includes this topic. Good luck.0
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This might sound crazy, but....talk to her instead of asking strangers for advice?0
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I think you need to create a chore chart. List out every chore no matter how minute or mundane. Everything from load dishwasher, empty dryer, bath child, set the table, etc. I did ours on an Excel spreadsheet. Then sit down and discuss the division of labor. Who likes to do what chores, how often, rotate, or stay the same, etc.... It has worked great for us. Plus it is kind of motivating to work hard to bust out my chores to get more free time. If one of us is tired or sick sometimes we will do each others chores to help out. Its not perfect but when she see's all "x" in your column she will appreciate the hard work you do. I also recommend taking the child when you get home for work so she has a one hour break free to do anything. You take full responsibility and she gets a break. Sometimes you just got to suck it up and run with it until it gets better. Somedays I try to remember what it was like to watch tv and have free time! LOL0
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I've done both things, worked and stayed home, and here's my take. I stayed home with my twins until they were about 2.5 years old. That was my job. Caring for two babies at one time (not just one), cleaning the house, doing the laundry, cooking the meals - I did basically all of it - including balancing the checkbook, doing the grocery shopping and paying the bills. I often did the yard work as well. Was it easy? Nope. But in my mind it was fair. He went off to work for hours and hours to pay for those groceries and electricity. He would help from time to time, but the bulk of it was on me and I never asked him to do any chores. That's that. With both people working it's a different story. Cleaning the house had to be shuffled around and the fight for balance came from that, but in the time I was home all day I just did it all. And I think that's how it should be. Whether or not my opinion is favored, well I don't mind, but I have been there and I definitely disagree with your wife's mentality. If I could manage 2 infants and keep the house up so can she.0
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Here's what I already do:
-My 10-12 hour daily job
-All yardwork
-All trash & recycling collecting and removal
-All maintenance of the garage(dunno how, but it seems to get messy all the time)
-Always keep the kitchen clean
I clean up after myself. She does not. She leaves food out and all over the place, all the time.
What she is not asking me to do in addition to what I currently do:
-Vacuum(She doesnt even like how I vacuum so not sure why, but whatever)
-Dust
-Clean bathrooms
I don't even know what stuff is left other than "General Tidying Up"? and looking after the dogs.
Regarding my daughter:
-I give her bath time on all nights she needs it.
-We share story time every night, 1 reads 2 books, the other reads 1, and that switches each night
-My wife puts the baby to sleep after bath/story time.
After the baby is asleep we stay up for a few hours, so she can pump(breast milk) and while she is doing that, that's my "free time" to clean the kitchen and get some soapy water ready to wash her pump stuff.
I hope that clears things up a bit for you.
You actually do a lot of what my husband does, except when it comes to the kids. I do everything for the baby, including feed, bathe, and put to bed. I don't think it's too much to ask her to do that, unless you like spending that time with the kid.
I have only ever been a stay at home mom when I was on maternity leave, and I get both sides of this. Part of me wonders if you know what she does every day while you're at work. My husband certainly didn't know until he had to stay at home with her once when she and I both were sick.
You have to talk to your wife. I don't know how to go about that diplomatically, though. That seems to be one of my faults.0 -
I feel like I stepped back in time to the 1950's :noway:
No, in the 1950's, women didn't have the audacity to ask their husband's to clean the house. As they shouldn't since they didn't have to deal with corporate America, just a few dishes and dusting.0 -
John you sound like a very fair minded guy and good husband, I mean that. I have been married for 32yrs to my awesome husband! Here's what has worked at our house. I have two grown boys. When my second son was born it wasn't cost effective for me to go back to work out side the house and pay daycare for 2 kids. Hence I stayed home. The last thing I wanted to do to make money was daycare! Guess what I have been doing for over 20yrs? You guessed it- Daycare, still doing it. My boys are 25yrs and 21yrs! 25yr old lives in LA. and is an accountant and he knows how to keep a clean apartment too, 21yr old is in college.
So I took care of minimum 4 daycare kids my own kids and cleaned our house, did laundry, do most of the cooking- hubby mostly did dishes,clean up after supper. I have Hypothyroidism so for a time before meds I would get really tired and not have a lot of energy. I'm a pretty mellow person anyway not a real go getter if ya know what I mean. I did the grocery shopping- hubby would often go with and help. He would help with cleaning if we were having people over on the weekends because I would get real obsessed with how the house looked, wanted it extra clean etc. That would drive him nuts- his mom was not much of a house keeper.
Bottom line, I think she could and should do more around the house. I'm with you too, a house cleaner that we have to pay is not and never will be an option! Now that the kids are gone hubby does help with cleaning floors etc. on the weekends. But he works 3 jobs so I don't expect him to do that. My daycare kids nap from 1:30 to 3:30 or 4pm and I certainly can do house chores or whatever during that time that are quiet. If you're like me, if the house is a mess it makes you crazy and I can't relax when things are a mess so maybe share those feelings with her. But you should for sure talk about this whole thing and get it all out there. Talk about expectations and how you can both be happy with everything. Your good habits will be your childrens good habits. They learn by example. The thing is if you keep up with stuff it won't get out of hand. You can teach very little children to pick up and put things away and they think it is fun when they are little so teach her at about 1.5 to pick up toys and put them where they belong. Kids love having little jobs to do and it will help Mom! Good luck John- don't give up. Make a plan!0 -
How do I ask my wife to do more housework while she is at home? ...no it's not sexist, I'll give you some backup as to what I am talking about.
She always nags me to do housework when I come home from working 10-12 hour days, complains if I don't get X number of chores done before we go to bed, etc.
The fact that you can't just go up to your stay-at-home wife and ask her to pick up the slack, without argument, is a symptom of a much deeper problem. It's a simple request that should be met with a simple solution.
"She always nags". Why are you in a relationship with someone who even feels comfortable nagging you? That doesn't make any sense. Is that the kind of relationship that you feel comfortable in? If not, why have you and your wife allowed this kind of behavior to persist?Any suggestions?
Get the the root of your issues. Seek a counselor if need be.0 -
Sweetie, I'm going to be cutting back on my work hours so I can catch up on the housework. I know you're busy and all darling. Unfortunately to accommodate our new, spiffy clean lifestyle I'll be disconnecting the cable, the cellphones, canceling the health club memberships and limiting the grocery items to generic only. Also, no more take-out or dinners out. It's a good thing! You'll lose the baby weight! Oh and the cars. We'll only have one now. I'll be taking it to work. Don't worry. I'll only be working 30 hours a week! You'll have plenty of time to use it when you need to go to the Laundromat. Yes. The washing machine and dryer won't be fitting into our new budget. I listed them up for sale on Craig's list. Sorry honey.
This^^0 -
Cut her off from the sex until she realizes her place.0
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I feel like I stepped back in time to the 1950's :noway:
No, in the 1950's, women didn't have the audacity to ask their husband's to clean the house. As they shouldn't since they didn't have to deal with corporate America, just a few dishes and dusting.
Shouldn't you be in the kitchen? :laugh:0 -
Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later
That's not an affordable option right now, otherwise we would have done that already...but thank you for the tip.
It's cheaper than a divorce my friend
If a couple is going to split up over chores, then the divorce is worth it.0
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