what is it with my wife?!

Okay, I wasn't going to, but I can't help myself.

Dude, you made a baby together. Presumably you decided that it would be best for said baby if your wife stayed home and took care of it. You likely calculated the cost of day care vs. the income your wife brought in and decided together as a couple that your wife would stay home.

At some point, you decided on a dwelling place for the family. You need to come to an agreement on how said dwelling place is tended. Not by either of you demanding or pouting or recriminating. Certainly not by taking things away, each from the other. You need to act like a married couple and talk about your expectations. And if they are reasonable. You need to listen to each other and respect each other and act like grown-ups. Holy moly. You wouldn't think this would be so hard.

Tell her to do it or you'll take away all luxury.

Money, credit cards, CELL PHONE.

She has one job.

She can do it.

If not, don't reward bad behavior.

If she's going to act like a child, treat her like a child.

[sarcasm] Because that's certainly a reasonable way to behave with another adult person you claim to love. [/sarcasm]

If the actions have no consequences the behavior will not change.

Talk to her, say "Honey, the house needs to be cleaned today. If it is not done, I'm taking away luxuries. This is your fair warning."

Likely, she will not believe him, and he'll come home to a mess, and than take the cell, the wifi, the car keys.

The next day, talk to her "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."

It'll work like magic.

Than she will know you're serious.

I haven't the time to read each page of this thread BUT if you are still married... try this...

sit down with her.. and prepare a list of ALL the things that need to be done around the house... break them down to daily, weekly, monthly... set out a schedule that you can each follow... you accomplish 2 things... consensus and accountability... follow up with tracking the time it takes to do a task.. and revise the schedule... it will take some time to establish the rhythm...

ON her side of this.. it's a little hard to do things like vacuum and yard work while the kid is napping...

I had a blow out with my wife (of 15 years) not long ago... about this exact same thing... I get up at 4... walk the dogs, and am in the office before 7... my wife ... works about 10 minutes from the house and starts at 8... I leave the office at 4.. and the commute home can be anywhere from 1-2 hours depending on traffic and weather...

anyway... I TOO had been working some extended hours due to the size and scope of a project... and I get the old.. YOU don't do enough around here... and my response was quite simple... I said... Maybe YOU should focus a little more on WHAT I DO instead of what MORE you want me to do...

I have to be blunt here. Being a stay at home mom is her job. Being a homemaker means you make the home what it is. It means not only do you take care of the children, you clean the house, do the laundry, go to the grocery, do the cooking, and make your home comfortable for the person who provides the income. You don't get to complain about how they don't clean enough or do enough. They are earning the money that allows you to do your job in comfort. I have been a homemaker for many years, and disabled for about half of them, I would never expect my husband to come home and clean the house or make his own dinner. He does however do the handyman jobs around the house, mostly because he likes to do them. If she doesn't like her job, maybe she should get a job to pay for someone to do it for her.

Preach!

you need the right tone of her voice. When she asks you to do something, just say

"*****, please!"

I'm a mother of two kids that works full-time, goes to college part-time and my husband lives in a different state atm. I cook, clean, mow, etc. - I DO IT ALL.

And his wife can't clean the house? :laugh:

I am a SAHM to 3 kids, 10, 8 and 4, and have been since my job disappeared four years ago. I am now in nursing school as well....so I know staying home, raising kids and busy. But my husband requires a level of clean that is hard to maintain with three other people messing it up constantly. (He works away from home all week, returning on Fridays and leaving again Monday). To keep peace (I am a keeper, but not a housekeeper), he makes a to-do list in priority order, and we communicate through the week on how it's going. When he gets home, the things that bother him the most are done, and STAY done.

That said, when the kids were under a year, it was hard to juggle everything that needed to be done because breastfeeding and losing sleep and the increased monitoring and attention a baby requires rewires your brain for awhile so that all that really seems to get done is kid stuff. She probably can't even tell you where the day goes. But knowing it's a problem for you, she might want to start trying to focus a little more on it.

If you hired someone for a whole day (or asked a relative/friend for help) and the whole house got caught up, would she then be more willing/able to KEEP it caught up?

Just tell her you're tired too, and to keep everything good, you need her input and compromise on a more equitable division of labor.

I agree with CHRISTMRE......this is her job. Part of raising your child full-time IS keeping the environment around her clean, and daddy happy.

Well, I'm a stay-at-home mom of a 12-mo old, so I can relate a bit to your wife.

My husband works long hours - he leaves the house before 6a some days and might not get home until 7.

My daughter will typically nap about an hour-and-a-half in the morning and maybe 45 mins to an hour in the afternoon. Sometimes I use this time to do some housework/chores, sometimes I try to catch a nap *with* her, and sometimes I play on facebook. Depends. I'm not a perfectionist about housework, but I try to stay reasonably on top of things.

I rock my daughter to sleep around 9p-9:30p most nights, so after she is down for sleep, I make a small to-do list for the next day. I never put more than about 3 things on it. I also have a few routines I try to stick to - example: I *usually* do laundry on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That includes changing our bed sheets and bathroom towels, and laundry for the three of us. Sometimes I skip one of those days, sometimes I do 3 loads in one day. Just depends. But having a loose schedule kind of helps keep me mentally organized.
I usually clean up the kitchen after my little one is down for sleep, before her first nighttime wake-up where she needs Mommy.

My husband will help me with the housework whenever I ask. He doesn't see himself as "above it" or anything. I do expect *him* to bag up the garbage each week, but that's really the only chore I've assigned to him.

I think - instead of a housekeeper - a Roomba was a great investment for us! The downstairs gets vacuumed every night! Seriously, look into it - I love not having to vacuum by hand much anymore!

I have some of those markers than can write on mirrors and wipe off clean - so I make my little "do" lists right on the bathroom mirror. :-P

Oh, and I'm not just a "brow beaten woman" - I did all the housework except the garbage even when I was working full-time outside the home. So no, we're not sexist here - I'm just capable. :-P

But talking to your wife may be difficult. Not many women want to admit that they don't like being a SAHM. I'll admit it...freely. I like to work. But our culture plays up that role to this amazing, blissful thing...and it's not. Perhaps your wife is going through something like that. I don't know. Talk to her. Just don't make the talk about the chores...she'll shut down...make it about HER and that you're worried she's unhappy.

Everytime I ask her if she enjoys being a SAHM, she replies "I wouldn't change it for the world" ... So unless she is continually lying to my face, I do believe she is happy in that role watching our little girl grow and learn every day.

Thank you for the tip though - making the conversation about her may be quite helpful.

I'd press it. Or maybe she doesn't understand she's a housewife...not just a SAHM. But again, this isn't forever. Kids grow. But I do think she's harboring some resentment. You get to go to work and leave the house, REGARDLESS of how hard your job may be or annoying, that is what she sees. You get to leave. You leave all day and her little world is that house. So when you get home, she wants to see YOU participate too. Because, "She's not a maid". Not logical, but could be how she is feeling.

Again, I ask, does she get time off to go out with friends? Do you two have date nights? So important.

If you both worked, you'd split chores 50%/50%. So she takes care of the child and house during the 10-12 hours you are working, then you split the rest during your off-time. You work all day, she works all day. Things should be evenly shared when you get home.

Think about this too: If cleaning takes longer than nap-time (which it almost certainly does) what is your child going to be doing while your wife is off cleaning? TV? Is it worth a cleaner house to plop the kid in front of the boob tube rather than having your wife spend that time engaged with her? Your wife's primary responsibility is that kiddo, the house should come second.

If the actions have no consequences the behavior will not change.

Talk to her, say "Honey, the house needs to be cleaned today. If it is not done, I'm taking away luxuries. This is your fair warning."

Likely, she will not believe him, and he'll come home to a mess, and than take the cell, the wifi, the car keys.

The next day, talk to her "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."

It'll work like magic.

Than she will know you're serious.

If my husband ever spoke to me in such a manner, as a lesser being meant to follow his every order or direction, lest he take away my contact with the outside world, I would suggest that he should perhaps find an alternative way to communicate.

Marriage requires two adults, acting like adults.

I honestly think you must be a troll, because your recommendations are totally ridiculous.

I never understood this about SAHMs. I was one for a couple of years and ALL I wanted when hubby got home was to take the baby so I could get housework done and get a break from a kid for a while.

I didn't read the whole thread... but here goes. I'm a working mom to a one year old. When we get home from work, we spend time with our daughter, put her to bed, make dinner and then (sometimes) clean up before relaxing/going to bed. Why don't you try and motivate her like "ok let's clean up for 30 min and relax". My husband will usually do that, even though we're both tired, if I see him motivated then it will motivate me.

Your wife works hard during the day just like you do. Maybe harder than you because she's running around after a baby. If she wants to relax during the baby's nap, then let her.

If the actions have no consequences the behavior will not change.

Talk to her, say "Honey, the house needs to be cleaned today. If it is not done, I'm taking away luxuries. This is your fair warning."

Likely, she will not believe him, and he'll come home to a mess, and than take the cell, the wifi, the car keys.

The next day, talk to her "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."

It'll work like magic.

Than she will know you're serious.

If my husband ever spoke to me in such a manner, as a lesser being meant to follow his every order or direction, lest he take away my contact with the outside world, I would suggest that he should perhaps find an alternative way to communicate.

Marriage requires two adults, acting like adults.

I honestly think you must be a troll, because your recommendations are totally ridiculous.

He's already going to use a different approach, so arguing about this a moot point.

Remember, it's her not doing her part, not the other way around.

Many women view marriage and baby as a retirement plan, and it sounds like she's cashing out the 401K.

It happens constantly and causes a lot of divorce and unhappy hubbys.

You can't have the benefits of traditional gender roles without both parties putting in the hard work that goes along with it.

As a lot of women have explained, a lot of work can go into being a stay at home mom, if you actually do the job.

Marriage and children are not retirement, they are the start of a very long committed amount of hard work.

But I gave my advice and OP doesn't like that style, so that's fine.

I wish them both the best with which ever path they go down.

:happy: