what is it with my wife?!
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If you both worked, you'd split chores 50%/50%. So she takes care of the child and house during the 10-12 hours you are working, then you split the rest during your off-time. You work all day, she works all day. Things should be evenly shared when you get home.
Think about this too: If cleaning takes longer than nap-time (which it almost certainly does) what is your child going to be doing while your wife is off cleaning? TV? Is it worth a cleaner house to plop the kid in front of the boob tube rather than having your wife spend that time engaged with her? Your wife's primary responsibility is that kiddo, the house should come second.0 -
Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later
Hire a housekeeper...WTF!?!?!?
Tell her do some damn work or she can switch places with you.
This. Yeah...if she's a 'stay at home mom,' in my opinion that includes housework.0 -
If the actions have no consequences the behavior will not change.
Talk to her, say "Honey, the house needs to be cleaned today. If it is not done, I'm taking away luxuries. This is your fair warning."
Likely, she will not believe him, and he'll come home to a mess, and than take the cell, the wifi, the car keys.
The next day, talk to her "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."
It'll work like magic.
Than she will know you're serious.
If my husband ever spoke to me in such a manner, as a lesser being meant to follow his every order or direction, lest he take away my contact with the outside world, I would suggest that he should perhaps find an alternative way to communicate.
Marriage requires two adults, acting like adults.
I honestly think you must be a troll, because your recommendations are totally ridiculous.0 -
I'd press it. Or maybe she doesn't understand she's a housewife...not just a SAHM. But again, this isn't forever. Kids grow. But I do think she's harboring some resentment. You get to go to work and leave the house, REGARDLESS of how hard your job may be or annoying, that is what she sees. You get to leave. You leave all day and her little world is that house. So when you get home, she wants to see YOU participate too. Because, "She's not a maid". Not logical, but could be how she is feeling.
Again, I ask, does she get time off to go out with friends? Do you two have date nights? So important.
I do participate every night, but I get grumpy when she wants to lay on the couch while I do a ton of cleaning...I also try to get it done so she and I can have some cuddle time after the baby is asleep. I've also told her numerous times, I would gladly take over being a SAHD if she wanted to go out and make the money - she just doesn't want to leave our daughter yet...
She gets time to go out with friends a few days a week, sometimes with the baby, but most of the time without.
We just started doing date nights again - when our Anniversary rolled around last month, we've had 3 since that night....working to try to make it once a week eventually, but for now once every 2 weeks is a start.0 -
I never understood this about SAHMs. I was one for a couple of years and ALL I wanted when hubby got home was to take the baby so I could get housework done and get a break from a kid for a while.0
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As someone who has had the privilege of staying home for more that 23 years, I fully believe that I have the responsibility of the home!!! I've done most of the cooking and all the cleaning during this time! I not only had 2 small children but I continued on to homeschool them - a total of 16 years. But when my husband comes home the house is clean and neat!! It's not what he demands but if I can stay at home, it should reduce some of his responsibility after a long day! Or in our case, weeks away working on oil rigs!!!
I think women should think it's an honor to keep our homes very livable! Not only for our families but for ourselves!! I stay on top of things so it's never overwhelming at all!!
It's the least we can do!!
I do that too...just pick up before he gets home. However, on his days off and I'm at work, I come home to a mess. Yea. So now I just say "eff it" and don't bother. I work too.0 -
I didn't read the whole thread... but here goes. I'm a working mom to a one year old. When we get home from work, we spend time with our daughter, put her to bed, make dinner and then (sometimes) clean up before relaxing/going to bed. Why don't you try and motivate her like "ok let's clean up for 30 min and relax". My husband will usually do that, even though we're both tired, if I see him motivated then it will motivate me.
Your wife works hard during the day just like you do. Maybe harder than you because she's running around after a baby. If she wants to relax during the baby's nap, then let her.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: @ "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."
Whoever takes this advice - RIP.0 -
If the actions have no consequences the behavior will not change.
Talk to her, say "Honey, the house needs to be cleaned today. If it is not done, I'm taking away luxuries. This is your fair warning."
Likely, she will not believe him, and he'll come home to a mess, and than take the cell, the wifi, the car keys.
The next day, talk to her "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."
It'll work like magic.
Than she will know you're serious.
If my husband ever spoke to me in such a manner, as a lesser being meant to follow his every order or direction, lest he take away my contact with the outside world, I would suggest that he should perhaps find an alternative way to communicate.
Marriage requires two adults, acting like adults.
I honestly think you must be a troll, because your recommendations are totally ridiculous.
He's already going to use a different approach, so arguing about this a moot point.
Remember, it's her not doing her part, not the other way around.
Many women view marriage and baby as a retirement plan, and it sounds like she's cashing out the 401K.
It happens constantly and causes a lot of divorce and unhappy hubbys.
You can't have the benefits of traditional gender roles without both parties putting in the hard work that goes along with it.
As a lot of women have explained, a lot of work can go into being a stay at home mom, if you actually do the job.
Marriage and children are not retirement, they are the start of a very long committed amount of hard work.
But I gave my advice and OP doesn't like that style, so that's fine.
I wish them both the best with which ever path they go down.
:happy:0 -
She sounds depressed to me.
I understand your frustration. I've been on both sides of it. Her side, your side. It is one big ball of frustration and resentment.
What I've learned: It doesn't matter.
If the house isn't cleaned, don't clean it. Tell her you'd like to just relax after the baby is down. Cook together. Don't clean. I dunno....bathrooms get cleaned 2 times a week here but for a while it was once a week.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: @ "Honey, I will return your luxuries today if I come home to a clean house."
Whoever takes this advice - RIP.
Good call...it would be instant death for me I'm sure... I won't talk like that to my wife. She is my equal, my partner and my soulmate...0 -
You can raise a child and keep up the house! Look at all the single parents out there!0
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Omg. Marriage and children haven't been a retirement. I dream of my retirement! LOL 14 years to go
Marriage has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I'd not do it again. Children are easy though...past age 2 0 -
There are so many posts on this I didn't read through them all. That being said, here's my 2 cents. I was a "stay at home" mom for 10 years. Best job I ever had. My husband thought that clean socks appeared in his drawer by magic. What irked the heck out of me though was the grouchiness I would get for asking him to take out the trash. I even mowed the lawn, I knew he worked hard, I just wanted him to do the manly thing and take out the blasted trash....and pick up after himself.
Here's the thing.....I completely "side" with you on the fact that you work "outside the home"....for 10-12 hours a day and you should come home to things in order, a nice home environment, and dinner ready. What you do need to keep in mind is that she WORKS "inside the home"......24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Stay at home moms do not get to call in sick, take a "vacation" or even really just decide to slack off (well at least not until the kids are in school....LOL).
You two really need to sit down and have a heart to heart and get specific about some expectations. She may have to let go of some of hers, and you may have to let go of some of yours. I also urge you to EVERY day come home and recognize what she does. You may be surprised just how much she truly is doing throughout the day. I know there were times my husband came home and I had been running all day but the kitchen looked like a bomb went off. Once he came home, the kitchen was a mess and the kids and I were playing Monopoly.....had been all afternoon. He said "I love this.....this is what they will remember." He was right....those are the things my now adult men talk about when reminiscing about growing up.
I considered it a privilege to stay home with my kids and I considered keeping the house nice, cooking, and being really really good with the budget was my job security. What you will also find is that as your child gets older, the routine will change. There is a big difference between chasing a toddler all day and a 4 year old that is a little more self sufficient.
Good luck to you!0 -
luxuries - lol. omg, i can't stop laughing0
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I agree she sounds depressed.
When I stayed at home I kept the house spotless, doted on kids and still found time to nap and go to the gym.
It was glorious.
You need to have a real conversation about your roles and what you would like to have around the house.
Or suggest she look for a job outside of the house, and hire a housekeeper.0 -
Didn't read the whole thread, BUT....
I work full time, and when my job requires it that can sometimes be 10 hours a day. My SO, on the other hand, works straight 12s. At night. He comes home from work, makes breakfast and his lunch for the next day, leaves the kitchen dirty and flops into bed. Which means I come home from my job, be it 8 hours or more, and have to clean to kitchen before I can make my own food.
It used to make me FURIOUS.
But then I started to realize just how tiring that 12 hour a day must be. Every day (night, really) for 12 hours. I honestly don't know how he does it. So I started looking at it not as a chore, but as something nice I can do for him to help support him with those long hours. Cleaning up the kitchen after him has become something special I'm willing to do because I love him, not just another bout of cleaning. And it has really, really helped. I'm no longer mad - in fact, I'm pleased when he's able to come home and have a nice clean kitchen to quickly do what he needs to do and go to bed. I feel like I've done something special for him, reminded him that I want to help take care of him a little. And he's been very appreciative.
Perhaps approach your wife from that perspective? Not as a 'clean the house, it's your job mom' perspective, but rather 'listen, if you were able to help me out in this way it would really mean a lot to me' perspective?0 -
He's already going to use a different approach, so arguing about this a moot point.
Remember, it's her not doing her part, not the other way around.
Many women view marriage and baby as a retirement plan, and it sounds like she's cashing out the 401K.
It happens constantly and causes a lot of divorce and unhappy hubbys.
You can't have the benefits of traditional gender roles without both parties putting in the hard work that goes along with it.
As a lot of women have explained, a lot of work can go into being a stay at home mom, if you actually do the job.
Marriage and children are not retirement, they are the start of a very long committed amount of hard work.
But I gave my advice and OP doesn't like that style, so that's fine.
I wish them both the best with which ever path they go down.
:happy:
I'm arguing about it because I think it's the most ridiculous think I've ever read here at MFP, and that is saying something.
I HATE when women think so little of other women. It's absurd, and disgusting and just, ick.
Many women view marriage and children as a shared experience, with mutual respect and support. Many women view marriage and children as a source of joy and understanding for both the husband and the wife.
It is not she who is not doing her part. There is a disconnect somewhere in their marriage. Mutual respect is the only way to fix it. So that they BOTH can be happy and fulfilled.0 -
She sounds depressed to me.
This is what I was thinking. Maybe she doesn't even realize it. I stayed home for a year. It can be very draining to be stuck within the same four walls all the time. I slowly got to the point where all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and stare at the TV.0 -
You want to spend time with your baby that you are away from all day while at work. Tell her that there are a lot of men out there that wouldn't want that and she should be lucky she found such a great father for her child. She should be picking up throughout the day. The heavy clenaing can be shared by you both on weekends. Come home from work and enjoy the family that you work so hard to provide for.
My husband just retired from the military and I expect the basic housework to be done when I get home. We alternate weeks for cooking dinner but he will do it if he is bored and wants to start planning that night's meal for me. Although I send my kid off to daycare because she needs to learn and socialize and I know my husband would be having her watch Adventure Time all day and eating nothing but cheerios. Told him if he wants to save money and take her out of daycare, he would have to plan playdates, field trips and crafts to do weekly. He won't do that so he gets to clean all day.
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