what is it with my wife?!

As someone who works from home let me tell you, being cooped up in the house all day - sucks.

There's always the alternative.

Leave the comforts of your home where you make your own work schedule taking care of people you love who love you back.

Commute at an arbitrary time each day either risking your life on the road while driving or being crammed into a bus or train with the great unwashed breathing heavily upon you. That might take up 20 minutes. Or up to an hour and a half. Each way.

Enter an environment surrounded by strangers who don't care about you. Or who, in the worst case scenario but common nonetheless, actively plot to sabotage you. For fun.

Work ceaselessly in this environment while being closely scrutinized. For at least 8 hours straight but probably more. And where you're as expendable as a used rag.

Come home. Nurse your psychic wounds. Try to sleep. Wake up. Do it again.

It's a toss up. I know, I know.

I love my job as a teacher. I'd not give it up. I was happy to go back to work once my child started daycare.

Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.

Spoken like someone who never had PPD.

If she has PPD, then she should be checked by a professional, however the poster states that his wife is not unhappy. And again, if she is, then she should be under Dr.s care.

I was 22 with my first baby. I had horrible PPD. I lied my face off about being happy because I was supposed to be happy! Our society makes motherhood into this magical thing and sometimes it's just not. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did and so I lied....smiles and lies. It was exhausting. In reality, I probably needed meds and an honest reality check.

I am sorry that is an issue you had to deal with. I can only imagine what a horrible feeling that may be. I am only expressing my opinion on what the OP stated.

Oh I understand. I am just saying that the wife could be lying to him. She thinks she's supposed to be happy. And she is...but not how she thought she would be. All speculation, of course.

Call me a female traitor, but here's my opinion:

My husband and I both studied law, but when we moved to a rural area (for better quality of life) we decided that only one of us are going to practice law. I'm lucky enough to have a part-time job (5 hours a day) and some extra classes I give to school children in the afternoons.

Labour is quite expensive and we cannot always afford it, but we still decided to get help once a week.

My friends with little children have the same once a week help I have and they all keep the basic running of the house. All our husbands work until late.

I think it's a matter of keeping life running smoothly and it shouldn't be looked upon as being sexist.

I do the basic chores every day - it's really not that much to do in a house anyway. My husband and I cook together, and pack the dishwasher after cooking. That's our time for chatting about our days.

I have to admit - my husband throws his dirty clothing in the hamper, never leaves a towel lying around, takes mugs to the kitchen, keeps the bathroom tidy, etc. The only thing i can't get him to do is make a bed.

He insists that I go out for coffee at least once a week with my friends - then I don't mind the general cleaning.

Last thing: I have manicured nails, and have never been on my knees to clean a floor. So girls, stop this nonsense and bring your part in the partnership.

I really look forward to the replies!

Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.

Sorry... but yes. SAHM work very hard, no doubt. However, being a full time secretary, full time wife and mom, and full time housekeeper, I have to agree. If you work 10-12 hours a day to provide a situation where she CAN stay at home, she should be taking up the slack around the house. But... that being said, please pick up after YOURSELF. Her doing housework as part of her 'job' should not include carrying your dishes to the sink, or picking up your towels off the floor. :flowerforyou:

So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...

or the housekeeper idea.

Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.

Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...

She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.

Just adding perspective.

OK..I may get flack..but utter shame on your wife..and I am a woman.

I worked out of the house til my son was old enough to go to school..I typed, did filing and answered phones for a business..PLUS in my time I wasnt busy, I did housework and entertained my son.

everyone is different..but the bottomline is, YOU are out making $$..its not to much to ask that she take care of the house..or at least get half of the daily chores done before you get home and then you both can tackle the remainders together. Ever hear that new song "welcome to the real world"...yep..welcome to the real world baby..Breaks? what is that?

My son is older now..but I still have to clean my house, run him around to his various activities AND work 40 hours a week. What I wouldnt give to be able to stay at home, even if working like my previous arrangement when my child was younger, so I COULD get a jump start on chores and not have to squeeze it all in on the weekend, along with other "weekend only" activities..

being a SAHM is a damn gift..I dont care how you spin it...least she can do is help you out while you are out working. is dealing with the kids ALL day tiring? yep..so is working in an office for 8 hours and dealing with the general public..

So flame away..I feel very strongly about this..my opinion wont change..

+1000

I raised a baby girl from the age of 1 all by myself. I paid every bill, mowed every lawn, dealt with every auto repair, took out every trash, earned all the money, finished my college degree, balanced every check book, took baby to every doctor appointment, every dance practice, every 6am choir practice, wiped every butt, gave every bath, cooked every meal (*or paid when I took us out), cleaned every dish, vacuumed every floor, wiped every counter top, did all laundry, helped with homework, taught cooking and cleaning and other life skills to the child, all while working 40+ hours a week, for all but 6 months of that time when we lived off my savings due to un-employment.

It's hard to have any ounce of pity on a stay at home.

Just last night alone I worked 8 hours (plus the hour lunch, and commute) did a load of laundry, did a load of dishes, made dinner, helped my daughter clean her room, took apart and re-assembled the vacuum to that end, vacuumed, and took her swimming afterwards. Than I made her take a bath and tucked her in, took my own candle lit bath, and gave myself a full body oil massage. And that's a NORMAL Wednesday night in my world.

ETA: She's 10 now, so I've been doing this over 9 years.

This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.

In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.

And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.

Yes, because it's just so easy to have ALL the pressure of earning a livable income for your family on your shoulders day in and day out. That's not stressful at all.

And that's not even getting into the exhaustion of leaving the house at the crack of dawn, sitting in traffic (or on PT), working a full day, dealing with jerk bosses and annoying colleagues, only to come late to a messy house and a wife yelling at you when all you want to do is spend some quality time with your daughter like a good Dad' should....

Yeah, this really sounds like entitlement to me. OP is clearly an *kitten*.

SMH

The problem is that we have changed the job title to "stay at home mom" which puts the emphasis on the kids. The title used to be, "housewife" or "homemaker". That's what I am. It's also what she is. Taking care of the kids at home means creating a clean and safe environment for them as well. The only home "job" I gave up when having kids was mowing the lawn because it's hard to keep an eye on baby while pushing a lawnmower. My husband gladly took that one up for me and gladly stays home with the kids in the evenings so I can have the occasional "Mom's night out". I chose to have the job of "homemaker" and he's very glad that I am home raising kids and making a home for us.

Whatever you end up saying, say it kindly. Best wishes.

I wish I could talk to her. lol. I would teach her about the whirlwind pick up/cleaning that my girlfriends and I did when our children were young.

You can clean all dang day but with kids around, it looks a mess...so we'd start about 45 minutes before husbands got home. House would look fine. Dinner would be simmering. Sometimes, I'd put some flour on my forehead as a joke (my husband knew of my whirlwind pickups )

That is just brilliant. I'll keep it in mind when the day comes.

I know being a SAHM mom is a very hard job. I believe that if she stays home and you are the financial provider, her job is the household duties. It's a job, yet also a privilege to be able to stay home with the children.

At the moment, I'm a SAHM...well, it's summer and as a teacher, I'm off (yet a paycheck still comes).

It's horrible. lol. I mean..wow. I don't know how women do it. Kudos to you all.

I'm so bored, I could eat my children.

You have small children. Your house will never be clean again until they are all moved out to college, and even then it's iffy. Just let go of these delusions, and live in the squallor.

Yes, because it's just so easy to have ALL the pressure of earning a livable income for your family on your shoulders day in and day out. That's not stressful at all.

And that's not even getting into the exhaustion of leaving the house at the crack of dawn, sitting in traffic (or on PT), working a full day, dealing with jerk bosses and annoying colleagues, only to come late to a messy house and a wife yelling at you when all you want to do is spend some quality time with your daughter like a good Dad' should....

Yeah, this really sounds like entitlement to me. OP is clearly an *kitten*.

SMH

Lol thank you for defending my standpoint..this made me chuckle a bit, I am such an A-hole!

Everyone: Thank you so far for your insight and support, I have been reading, responding, and trying to adjust my thinking in order to approach this matter calmly and collectively to find a suitable resolution for us both.

No problem. I totally respect the sacrifices you are making to support your family and I totally understand how soul sucking the grind can be...

That poster is projecting. If her husband was so fabulous, she would be able to take a shower.

I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:

She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job).

To elaborate: I get that raising kids is hard while trying to make sure they don't suffocate on a bouncy ball and keep the dog from sharting on your couch all while trying to feed said animals (kids included) and go pee at the same time.

However, I think that that sacrifice includes house keeping, as well. I was a nanny through college and I did it. It's not fair to tell the sole bread winner to clean the house that you've been at all day -- it's the job you chose so you can raise your own kid. That's my opinion.

^^AGREE.

And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

I get up with the baby in the night and bottle feed her when she needs it. She's a pretty good sleeper. My wife is only pumping, latching problems that only got worse with time, but my wife is dedicated to her first year being breast milk even if it's from a bottle.

My post reeks of entitlement? Wow, you clearly have not read many of my other posts in this thread. Thank you for your time and your narrow minded view on the matter.

It doesn't sound to me like he is setting standards for the chores, but she is. (Did you read the OP?) He isn't coming home and complaining about how the house looks, he is coming home and getting b*itched at to clean the house. That's not right.