what is it with my wife?!

You have small children. Your house will never be clean again until they are all moved out to college, and even then it's iffy. Just let go of these delusions, and live in the squallor.

That's not true. My house is spotless every night before I go to bed.

There are exceptions, but the norm is sparkling.

If he has to live in filth it's because someone is not doing their job, not kids.

I could understand if she was like me and didn't have any energy the first year beyond caring for the kid and light housework, it was a huge adjustment. It took until just a few months ago for me to get the drive to take over the whole job of homemaker. I now do all (ok, MOST) of the cooking when we don't eat out, the finances, laundry, cleaning (however I do have someone come once or twice a month to do the deep cleaning, she's my angel lol) and chase after our 17 month old spawn. I only ask that he takes out the trash and occasionally puts the dishes away. I knew when I quit my job that eventually I would need to actually run the household properly since he was willing to support us (although he has a pretty cush gig and only has to work part-time out of his home office).

Are there other SAHM friends she can hang around and see how they do it? Ones that aren't spoiled with housekeepers and nannies?

At the moment, I'm a SAHM...well, it's summer and as a teacher, I'm off (yet a paycheck still comes).

It's horrible. lol. I mean..wow. I don't know how women do it. Kudos to you all.

I'm so bored, I could eat my children.

LOL. At this point, my ideal situation would be to work part-time so I can earn my own play-time dough and contribute, but I don't think I could set at home and do nothing.

Not with the lifestyle I'm used too. I freak people out because I go somewhere everyday.

Years have passed between days that I literally sat at home for an entire day. Sick? Docs or pharmacy.

Anything else is business as usual.

Even if some filthy rich man wanted to marry me and we started a new family (which I'm open too, by the way) I'd still have to either submerge myself into academia or volunteer work.

I don't have it in my self to set at home.

Yea. we have some vacations planned but til then...oye I miss my class. I miss my time away from "Mommy can I" "Mommy will you" "mommy mommy mommy". I try to enjoy it because I know it won't last...but my oldest is 14 and I like her more at this age than any other age. My children are not 9 years apart by accident.

OP, do you two plan for more children?

I have been on both sides of this coin. I was a stay at home mom for awhile and did everything except for yard work. Sometimes my husband would help, and it was great. Not expected or demanded. Then he lost his job and I went back to work full time and we both did housework together. Now we both work full time and split the chores. In my opinion, it is her job to maintain the house with a few exceptions.

Have a talk and work out an agreement on which chores will be done by you, and which will be her responsibilty. If you do more, awesome, you're a great guy, but by no means should she have to be right by the childs side at 11 months. She has time to do housework. Period. If shes not doing anything, or very little, its time for a talk.

Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later

That's not an affordable option right now, otherwise we would have done that already...but thank you for the tip.

It's cheaper than a divorce my friend

That "D" word isn't in either of our vocabulary.

I would love to be able to afford one - but I just don't make enough money to do so yet. We have a single income(mine) right now...that makes things a lot tougher, and she's not ready to leave the baby for a part time evenings/weekends job yet.

If divorce isn't a fear, then say whatever is on your mind. Honestly though, only you know what you can handle and it's your choice to make. I can't imagine that you haven't already talked to her at least once and went straight to the forums here for help. That being said, I don't think you'll find the perfect solution to have her do her fair share (your opinion) without confrontation.

I used to dance around the same issue with my first husband. I was working 60-70 hour a week and he went to school part-time while the kids were in daycare 45+ hours a week. While we got divorced for reasons not related to workload, I feel much better not having to deal with the endless cycle of nagging and fights.

My current (2nd) husband and I say whatever is on our minds to each other. It does hurt when things are said about me to my face. It's not comfortable when I see he's visibly hurt. It is a much better alternative than ignoring the situation and eventually snapping. I don't care if my husband disagrees or offended by how I feel. I'm entitled to my feelings as is he to his own feelings. We deal with the issue and move on. I refuse to have a marriage like my first.

So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...

or the housekeeper idea.

Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.

Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...

She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.

Just adding perspective.

dude. seriously grow a pair. you only have ONE kid. I hope you don't have more. Shoot. I did it and had three. She is lazy. Bottom line. THat baby could go in a playpin or one of those activity things that looks like a walker and she could be cleaning. There is no excuse. You are already working. IF taking care of the kid and the house is her job then she isn't doing a good job. SHe needs to be dropped down a peg. There is nothing I hate more than lazy chicks who think they don't have to work while mooching off their men

You sound angry.

I think passionate is the word you're looking for here.

FIFY

WAS a SAHM. Found it almost a vacation to go back to work. My daughter had sleep issues, and would wake up, literally 5, 6, 7 times every night, and would not be consoled by anyone but me. Napping only happened if she was in the car, so her nap times were me driving her around. Despite explaining this to hubby several hundred times, he still didn't understand why I was so tired all the time. My daughter was ultra high-maintenance, and I was sleep deprived, and he never did and never will understand all the diarrhea, vomit, spills, tantrums, cleaning and cooking I did. Never appreciatde what he did see, was always harping on what he didn't see. People here seem to be only harping on and addressing the physical aspects of being a mom, and not the mental aspects, which can be more exhausting. Some men you just can't please. Take a week off of work and do what she does and see that there are no breaks. Listening to all these people say how easy it is makes my a** twitch.

You agree that you both put in 12 hour days of work (though they may be spread through different hours), make up a list of chores and frequency and divide them evenly (you pick one, she picks one, you pick one, etc just like grade school teams). You each decide when you will do yours (she can do hers during naptime or during the evening instead of spending time with you if she wants, you can do yours in the evening instead of spending time with her or your daughter or you can wait and do it after daughter is asleep or try to use weekends to catch up).

If that interferes with your time to do other things you WANT to do instead of NEED to do... welcome to the real world - compromise, help each other out, find other times, or set priorities differently. Be adults. This isnt a p***ing contest of who does more than who.

I agree with this.We both had leisure jobs till now,so we had no issues,my husband moved to a new job where in he is putting in extra hours.I had a tough time dealing with it,we went on and on about I do that,you don't etc etc.The argument doesn't end.He says I take care of all the outside things I don't do household chores.I explained to him I can only do so much physically every day,Im left with no energy by the end of the day(We are only married 2 years,We don't even have kids yet and we are struggling).We listed all his outside work and household chores in a paper and we picked up one each.We hold each other to that.Sometimes he has more work when he asks me to help put I do,sometimes during my period I feel like resting,I ask him to help out,he is sweet enough to do everything from cooking to cleaning and feeding me.Many people dont realize the amount of work it involves unless written down.Also understand your wife,maybe she is getting tired with taking care of the baby,she likes her quiet time,For her it does look like you are not helping out in the house when she is stuck with the baby,So while you clean the kitchen,have her do the other stuff,you say your baby is asleep by 8,so 8-9 clean together.Also,I like to have time for art and hobbies without which I feel insane,similarly my husband like to go ride his bike in the mountains.We take turns in getting that time off from each other to do what we like.Better planning and communication is key!Good luck.

This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.

In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.

And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.

I call BS on this. I work full-time. I go to school full-time. I have three kids - one of which I'm currently breastfeeding (2mo). On maternity leave, I showered and carried on as normal. I didn't get a leave from school because I chose not to. I don't feel I deserve a "pass" because I've got a lot on my plate. I chose this situation. Anything else is an excuse.

As for nursing/pumping, it's their decision to breastfeed. No one can force you to do it.
SAHMs chose to stay home, directly or indirectly.

We're talking about an 11 month old, not an infant. She still gets (or should) a full nights sleep and kids are pretty easily entertained. I did it. It's really not that hard. It's one kid, not 10.

This thread makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my husband. My husband and I both work, but I have nothing but respect for the sheer and overwhelming workload that a SAHM takes on. I could never do it.

In addition to a workday that never ends and no time to yourself, you have to put up with the fact that your husband now feels you are no longer on equal footing and deserving of equal respect because you don't draw a paycheck. When I was on maternity leave (both times) I got to shower maybe every 3rd day. You can't imagine how involved and exhausting it is to care for a baby.

And she's nursing? And pumping? I'd hardly call pumping her "free time." Pumping is the WORST. And are you the one getting up with the baby and nursing during the night? No? You are asleep? Okay. Maybe you should realize that there is a lot more going on during her day than what you see when you come home and find the house not up to your standards.

I suggest tightening the budget and figuring out a way to get a housekeeper once a week to do the "chores" you feel aren't your responsibility. Your posts reek of entitlement.

And your post reeks of "poor little housewife" mentality.

I am a SAHM, and a full-time student. I also have a 30+ hr/wk job, and am training for a fitness competition. Guess what? I still clean the house, because I spend more time in the home than my husband does. He also makes more money, so it falls to me to pick up slack wherever possible. It's part of the job of being a SAHM. Husband does his job (bring home bacon and the occasional household chore), I do mine (keep the house presentable). OP is well within his rights to want his wife to do her dang job.

My advice is to explain it logically. Sadly, some people aren't logical.

#1. You will win no argument over who's job is harder.
#2. You SHOULD get traction on the argument that YOU get no baby time.
#3. You SHOULD get traction on how much "FREE" time you each get.
#4 . You SHOULD get traction on how much of your time should be devoted to chores.

So let's take it from a logic perspective and just assume that both of your days at work are equal. This predicates that having the child is considered work (even if that isn't 100% so).

You each only have 4-5 hours left in the day. Of that time the child must be contended until bed time.

If you each take 1 hour for exercise while the other watches the child, you now only have 2 hours left in the day.

If the child STILL has to be watched, you each get 1 hour to do chores while the other watches the child.
If the child doesn't have to be watched, you each get 1 hour free time and 1 hour for chores.

So you can do NO more than 1 to 2 hours of chores, and 1 to 2 hours watching child.

Finally, you ask... which chore shall I do in my hour and which will you do?

I haven't read all of the responses, but I'll throw in my 2 cents. I'm a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids.

Are the chores that she isn't doing really THAT important? Are the kids fed/alive? Are you fed? Does everyone have clean clothes? If so, she's doing pretty well.

If you have 1 or 2 specific things that aren't getting done that you would like to see done before you get home...then maybe say, "hey, could you see if you have time to get this done today? If not, it's no big deal."

My youngest is 3...and my house is FINALLY clean on a fairly consistent basis.

Hey I wanted to add some perspective from similar situation/background. Also have 1 young child, I've been a SAHM since he was born, my husband works and I want him to help w/ household work. Just want to give you a sampling of things I've thought since becoming a SAHM.

-I have felt guilty before for not doing more housework and for asking my husband to help when he's worked all week.
-I've also thought why do I have to do all the menial work? I definitely felt resentful at that moment.
-I remember one time thinking he just married me to have a maid! (very irrational... caring for a newborn can do that to you)

I've gone back and forth feeling either resentful or guilty or like things are working out well. It's kind of tricky to find a balance. Especially when before the baby we both worked full-time and equally split up household work.

I like how you've responded that you guys are equal partners and don't want to approach this by treating her like a child as some have suggested.

You said something about her not using baby's nap time to clean and that she is pumping. My experience- the first 13 months I pumped as well. (baby couldn't latch- did the whole lactation consult thing, etc.) Pumping was so isolating and depressing. I used baby's nap time to sleep and binge. (Why I need to lose weight now.) I was very much in "survival mode" not in "improve myself" mode like I am now. Honestly, I could have done things better and differently but... I'm not a perfect and neither is your wife. People will be able to give different amounts of themselves at different times in their life. I don't know if that makes sense but if you think about who's giving what in a relationship.... for ex: right now it might be 50/50 but right after our son was born it might have been more like 30/70. I was giving less. I had less to give.

This has been a really thought-provoking thread for me to read. I feel like my husband could have written it a year ago. I'm sure he felt similar things. Happy to report we pulled through that time. It's nice to think about what your spouse is going through and care about their best interests. I'm not saying I'm "on her side" or "your side" but I can see her point of view. Hope you can communicate your feelings wilt her and work it out.