Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.
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SECONDLY, Your husband may be being honest but making you feel insecure by saying hes no longer finding you physically attractive anymore is just not right ...If he says he's not attracted to you now imagine what he will say when you get old? I personally don't think he loves you. When you love someone you love EVERYTHING even if there are flaws also. Besides he's the one who impregnated you so he has to deal with it that you've gained a bit of wait while having your beautiful kids. This guy pisses me off. What a douche!!
I disagree. I have a very open an honest relationship with my boyfriend and we can talk about anything. Each relationship is different and not all women want a man to tell her what she "wants to hear" instead of blatant honesty. I outright asked my boyfriend if he found me attractive still and he gave me an honest answer about the weight I had gained. I would NEVER have wanted him to lie to me or avoid the question. Loving somebody does not mean that things don't change. Some people are attracted to a particular body type and while they may still love the person they started to date, it doesn't mean they'll find them still sexy if they end up 400lbs heavier.
That being said, if you want ideas, go look at my profile and read my "about me" section. I'm convinced it's rather helpful since the facts posted in it have helped me to lose almost 50lbs since November.0 -
If his delivery was caring I don't see how him being honest is a problem, should he just go through the motions, lie to her etc honest communication creates a solid foundation for most relationships.Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
It is not wrong to want to be physically attracted to the the person you love. A great deal of marriages would probably still be intact if people were more honest about their desires, needs emotions etc
Handled with tact and realistic expectations I see no problem with his behavior and it sounds like they are working through a problem instead of ignoring it and hoping it will go away.
Footnote: Have not read the whole thread so if there are other mitigating circumstances I am unaware of them.0 -
If his delivery was caring I don't see how him being honest is a problem, should he just go through the motions, lie to her etc honest communication creates a solid foundation for most relationships.Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."
It is not wrong to want to be physically attracted to the the person you love. A great deal of marriages would probably still be intact if people were more honest about their desires, needs emotions etc
Handled with tact and realistic expectations I see no problem with his behavior and it sounds like they are working through a problem instead of ignoring it and hoping it will go away.
Footnote: Have not read the whole thread so if there are other mitigating circumstances I am unaware of them.
I really like your post. spot on. and i agree is well.
I admit he may be an a-hole at times but who isn't, no relationship is perfect.
I do love him yet i sometimes dont agree with his views.
not gonna lie, i sugar coat a lot of things even though i don't like for others to do the same for me.
I do in fact admire his honesty, words can be added to make it a little better but like i said 'nobody is perfect'
We are working through it, I've expressed my concern about my kids. I don't want a toxic environment for them and he's agreed to be a better father figure.
Thank you for your post0 -
Wow such strong opinions!If he says he's not attracted to you now imagine what he will say when you get old? I personally don't think he loves you. When you love someone you love EVERYTHING even if there are flaws also. Besides he's the one who impregnated you so he has to deal with it that you've gained a bit of wait while having your beautiful kids. This guy pisses me off. What a douche!!
I doubt the guy thinks his wife will never age, it is the weight she mentioned being a factor.
Getting pregnant and having kids does not give people carte blanche to stay overweight or unfit...plenty of mothers on here with rocking bodies.
Nether does marriage, too often I see people get a spouse or long term partner and start packing on the lbs as if the race has been won and now they longer have to try.
Yes by all means do it for yourself, do it for your health but if you love your partner would you not want to do it for them too.
FYI: I have a 13 yr old daughter and been with my partner for 14yrs and we do it for ourselves and each other, yes we will get old but hopefully with a little grace and self-respect.0 -
Clift notes for all who have not read.....
-Not a husband, BF of 1.5 years
-3 kids from previous, 1 baby from him
- the first 3 are not his daughters real siblings.
- his older child is a real sibling
- he doesn't like her weight, boobs, or nether regions
-she laughs about how he treats the kids
- says how great it is he is honest (I value honesty but this guy is an *kitten*)
-when people say he sounds like a psycho because of the way he treats the kids, OP laughed and says yep he says he's a psycho and I have called him that.
- She is early 20's
-She makes comments..."that we would all freak if we knew how he treated her son" then laughs.
Weight and honesty are not the issues of this thread.
- ok
- yes
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- we both don't like my weight, we both don't like my boobs, hes clarified that hes fine with it and he didn't mean it the way i said it.
- I do not.
- honesty is the best policy
- his views are insane, but he will learn to be open minded
- late 20's, i'm 26
- a lot of people think that because hes a step parent he should not be disciplinary toward any of them < these people would freak.
The point is, no one should have to point this out to him. You should not have to talk to him about how your children from your previous relationship, who live in the same home as the child you have with him, are that child's siblings. Ditto for the whole fake cousins etc. on your side of the family.
Only someone very self-centered and narcissistic would say something like that.
Narcissistic people are very manipulative and know how to keep people involved and attached which brings me to my next point. I think he has just realized he pushed you too far and is now saying what needs to be said to get you to shut up and stay where you are.After seeing more posts of yours OP......I am going to come off judgemental..... Screw the weight, screw honesty and screw anything he wants. His attitude towards your children is sociopathic, unhealthy and honestly dangerous. As a Mom your first priority is your kids, by laughing about what this creep says or how he behaves toward your children is childish, irresponsible and damn near neglectful as a mother. 4 kids, 2 dads and young......no judgment on this but keeping your kids around a man (term used lightly) that has this attitude towards them and their mother is purely on you. I don't know the particulars, but the dad of the first 3 should fight to get his kids out of the environment of the current guy. If he doesn't or isn't involved, OP you obviously do not take choosing a mate seriously.
If it was just you and your youngest child, I would be sympathetic and just say the current guy is a douche and you can and should move on. With your other kids involved, if you don't get them away from him....you are just as liable for what damage (mental or physical) that this guy inflicts.
You are a mom FIRST, please get your priorities straight.
This.0 -
You're looking for motivation, not a critique on your relationship (which it looks like you've gotten many times over!)
Through my journey, I've discovered that I ended up unhealthy for the following reasons:
1) I didn't know what healthy was
2) I didn't know what good nutrition meant
3) I had no clue how to exercise
These 3 issues you can solve.
Nutrition: Read Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Diet. Yes, its a little evangelistic over the Clean Eating aspect of it, but look past that and pay attention to the chapters on the different food groups and such.
What Healthy is: Well, this is tricky. It might take some consultation with your Doctor to determine what that is. If your decision is purely weight based, you'll have to use a few Calorie Calculators to figure out what you should be eating according to your goals. There are 3 that I regularly check: 1) Any Harris-Benedict Calculator 2) a Mifflin - St. Jeor Calculator 3) Here lately, I'm checking the IIFYM (If it Fits Your Macros) calculators on their web site. Using these 3 basically landed me in the same calorie range for my weight loss goals.
How to Exercise: The low budget way is to start walking. The first week start with 20-30 minutes and then increase the distance each week after that. Don't stroll, walk at "Fire Drill" pace. Youtube, FitnessRX for Women Magazine, Oxygen Magazine all have defined workouts, and either videos or illustrations of how to do workouts. Keep reading, and just keep moving.
My research 'tools' for the above advice:
Eat Clean Diet by Tosca Reno
The Best Life Diet by Bob Greene (this one actually gives some insight on dealing w/ foods you don't like so much)
Mastering Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels
Here are two more, but I think you need to have the basics under your belt first, else the information may be confusing or keep you up at night:
Choose More, Lose More for Life by Chris Powell
Eat to Live by Joel Fuhrman
Remember, you didn't get here overnight so making the change isn't going to happen rapidly either. If you want the results to last, you've got to make changes.
Good luck. As far as motivation goes, everyone else is right, you have to find the reasons to get off your butt to make it smaller.0 -
You're looking for motivation, not a critique on your relationship (which it looks like you've gotten many times over!)
Through my journey, I've discovered that I ended up unhealthy for the following reasons:
1) I didn't know what healthy was
2) I didn't know what good nutrition meant
3) I had no clue how to exercise
These 3 issues you can solve.
Nutrition: Read Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Diet. Yes, its a little evangelistic over the Clean Eating aspect of it, but look past that and pay attention to the chapters on the different food groups and such.
What Healthy is: Well, this is tricky. It might take some consultation with your Doctor to determine what that is. If your decision is purely weight based, you'll have to use a few Calorie Calculators to figure out what you should be eating according to your goals. There are 3 that I regularly check: 1) Any Harris-Benedict Calculator 2) a Mifflin - St. Jeor Calculator 3) Here lately, I'm checking the IIFYM (If it Fits Your Macros) calculators on their web site. Using these 3 basically landed me in the same calorie range for my weight loss goals.
How to Exercise: The low budget way is to start walking. The first week start with 20-30 minutes and then increase the distance each week after that. Don't stroll, walk at "Fire Drill" pace. Youtube, FitnessRX for Women Magazine, Oxygen Magazine all have defined workouts, and either videos or illustrations of how to do workouts. Keep reading, and just keep moving.
My research 'tools' for the above advice:
Eat Clean Diet by Tosca Reno
The Best Life Diet by Bob Greene (this one actually gives some insight on dealing w/ foods you don't like so much)
Mastering Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels
Here are two more, but I think you need to have the basics under your belt first, else the information may be confusing or keep you up at night:
Choose More, Lose More for Life by Chris Powell
Eat to Live by Joel Fuhrman
Remember, you didn't get here overnight so making the change isn't going to happen rapidly either. If you want the results to last, you've got to make changes.
Good luck. As far as motivation goes, everyone else is right, you have to find the reasons to get off your butt to make it smaller.
WOW! awesome advice. Thank you!0 -
@ tihi1 You could not be more wrong. Someday you will find someone you really love and it will not matter what they look like. If you were married to someone and they were the light of your world and they were burnt in a fire do you think you would look at them and say "that person is not physically attractive"? No, you would not see the flaws in their physical form because that is love. If it were not for that sort of love men would always chase 20yr olds and never stay married for 50yrs to a woman who looks old much less continue to have a sex life. Do you think every 40yr old man out there looks at his wife and pictures some 20yr old just so he can get it up? Do you look at your significant other and picture some hunk in your head? Real lasting physical attraction is a product of love, not a calculation based on the symmetry of a person's body. I love my husband and he is sexy to me, he is not Bratt Pitt or the average girl's idea of hot but he is perfect to me because I love him. When you love someone you stop calculating symmetry when you look at them.0
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Whatever happened to loving someone through 'thick' and thin!!!??
If I were you I'd ditch the 'hubs' for someone that can stick to their vows!! :explode:0 -
Okay, I've decided against speculating on the marriage or the husband's intentions. Just to say, "physical" attraction isn't the only reason someone decides to spend the rest of their life with another person.
Anyhow, I too am having difficulty with "motivation." I'm starting to think the whole concept is just stupid. I think the "just do it" motto is much more realistic than "trying to find reasons to do it". In fact, I feel most "motivated" when I'm exercising simply because I have nothing better to do. I think the best thing we can do in the fight to lose weight is to stop hating ourselves for failing and if we want to punish ourselves for perceived failures, lift weights instead of eating cake. That's the hardest, because the cake is so delicious and moist. We also shouldn't take things too seriously.
I0 -
OMG What on earth are you doing with HIM ??????
You are so attractive in your pic. I can't believe that he could be sooo CRUEL and SELFISH. :explode:
REMEMBER :mad: he's supposed to love you. Ypu are incredible,, given birth to 4 beautiful children, love them, care for them and the home .HOW DARE HE ?????
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND FOR 34 YEARS. WE HAVE 2 ADULT DAUGHTERS AND OVER THE YEARS MY WEIGHT HAS FLUCTATED BUT HE HAS NEVER FOUND ME UNATTRACTIVE EVER.
PLEASE DON'T LET THIS SELFISH "PERSON" DRAG YOU DOWN. You need to do this for you and your beautiful children
and tell him to do one.
PLEASE BELIEVE IN YOURSELF - WE ALL DO.
And Yes I agree, relationships shouldn't be built on looks or figures but to kick you when you are already sensitive is unforgiveable.0 -
@ tihi1 You could not be more wrong. Someday you will find someone you really love and it will not matter what they look like. If you were married to someone and they were the light of your world and they were burnt in a fire do you think you would look at them and say "that person is not physically attractive"? No, you would not see the flaws in their physical form because that is love. If it were not for that sort of love men would always chase 20yr olds and never stay married for 50yrs to a woman who looks old much less continue to have a sex life. Do you think every 40yr old man out there looks at his wife and pictures some 20yr old just so he can get it up? Do you look at your significant other and picture some hunk in your head? Real lasting physical attraction is a product of love, not a calculation based on the symmetry of a person's body. I love my husband and he is sexy to me, he is not Bratt Pitt or the average girl's idea of hot but he is perfect to me because I love him. When you love someone you stop calculating symmetry when you look at them.
THIS is true. My parents love each other dearly and have been married for 30 years. Been through, thin, fat whatever and they still love eachother, same thing with my grandparents who have been married for 57 years.
Seriously look at the way he operates. If you have a close male friend or family member talk to them about this. After everything you have written here it seems like you are staying in a bad situation for little reason. Heed their advice because I think they will tell you things very similar to what people on this board have. And think about the rest of your days and the type of person you want to sit next to in a rocker years from now. And when that sexuality fades as we get older like in our sixties and seventies what common ground will you have with this lifelong companion if he keeps saying some family members are false and other things you have mentioned. That just seems so absurd to me.
Fitness and nutrition are necessary to aid you in losing weight. I suggest you get a food scale to use to get accurate nutrition information for what you eat. It is also a good idea to see a doctor when you start out to make sure it is safe to start doing so. If your health insurance covers it you can also see a nutritionist to help educate you and make a plan of action for what you should be eating. If you have been very sedentary for a long time I recommend trying the Leslie sansone tapes, if you have been active for a while try something like couch to 5k to mix it up, aerobics classes or tapes, weight lifting, and find something you enjoy doing after trying a number of things and stick with it. You could also look into things like a bodymedia fit, jawbone up, fitbit, or simple pedometer to help you increase your activity.
If you are overweight first and foremost health should be a primary concern along with wanting to be around to see some grandbabies.0 -
At least he did not lie. I would prefer the truth than a liar...
It's not always physical attractiveness because eventually that wears out. Can't defy aging.0 -
At least he did not lie. I would prefer the truth than a liar...
It's not always physical attractiveness because eventually that wears out. Can't defy aging.
That's why after they become defective, you buy new ones.0 -
That was a nice answer you gave her because I started eating right by eating broccoli with chicken for dinner instead of rice and noticed the changes in my clothes. Starting small is the key.0
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...His attitude towards your children is sociopathic, unhealthy and honestly dangerous. As a Mom your first priority is your kids...
...if you don't get them away from him....you are just as liable for what damage (mental or physical) that this guy inflicts.
You are a mom FIRST, please get your priorities straight.
My husband's mother chose her man over her kid. The step-father was an abusive sociopath but she thought she needed him. She, too, laughed off his behavior and made excuses for it. As an adult, her son has cut her off completely. He has nothing to do with her and considers her equally responsible for enabling and being a passive participant in the abuse. Think about it, OP...0 -
Unfortunately we men have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time with the best of intentions. If this is the only such incident then I'd try and move past it, and I know that's easier said than done.
Do this for yourself. Be selfish with your time. Stop being your own critic. You've decided to make smarter choices and only you will realize how tough they are. Celebrate every accomplishment regardless of how small they may seem to others. Acknowledge that the mental aspect is the hardest part of what you're doing and recognize when you're sabotaging yourself.
Ignore the doubters and allow that you're one of them.
Be your own motivation.
You can do it.0 -
While your husband may find you unattractive, that doesn't make it so. You are very attractive as you are. I would say be confident in yourself, if you feel you want to lose weight or tone and shape your body then do it for you, for your health and happiness. Changing yourself to please him, wont make him more attracted to you if you think it will your fooling yourself. A man would love you as is, if he was suddenly disfigured due to a burn or accident for life would you find him less attractive or the same man you love... I think youd love him the same. His being honest is one thing but its still shallow.0
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Go to a Nutritionist.
Do not feel sorry for yourself, be proactive and just act on getting healthy.
Below are changes I made once I saw the Nutritionist:
- I had a difficult time eating the 1300 calories I had to eat daily.
- The reason I had to eat 1300 calories daily is because I had to work out 6 days a week.
- She gave me a photos and names of the foods I needed to eat daily: broken down by Carbs, protein, milk, fat
- I purchased the "Fitbit" Flex - to track calories, exercise, sleep. Amazing product. Purchased @ REI for $99.00
I LOST 4 lbs in 24 days. I was SHOCKED!
I LOST a total of 5.75 inches and 2.5" were in the waist.
I exercised: Spinning classes, Zumba classes, Salsa Dancing, Mat Pilates, Walking
I either do cardio or weights
Do it for yourself, your health and your kids. You are a role model for your kids and they need their parents to teach them to eat healthy.
In my case being overweight did not make me feel good at all.
I am attractive and I went from a size 8 to possibly buying clothes size 1x.
I joined Weight Watchers at work. Tried Weight Watchers and it didn't work for me.
I begain eating only 800 calories and that didn't work. (Apparently you go into starvation mode retaining your weight.)
If you work (or your husband has insurance) call your insurance co. and see if they will pay for a Nutritionist.
Do it for you and your family. You will be happy you did.
Good Luck
Mary B0 -
While it is good that you can have the honest conversations with your husband (no matter how they might sting), he needs to know that you need his encouragement as well. I am also the biggest I have ever been. My boyfriend doesn't have those conversations with me....instead he makes comments about how great other women look in my presence. I had to tell him how much that bothered me. So, I respect your husband's honesty. The best thing to do is start....no matter how slow you have to go. I started with walking. Today I walked for a total of 75 minutes and did about 4 miles. It is going to be a long road, but I will be better for it....and you will too. Keep logging on here to track and get the information and encouragement you need to succeed0
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Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive!
And...I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
If a marital issue isn't enough to motivate you, there is nothing you will find on an anonymous chat board that will motivate you.
Good luck!0 -
Clift notes for all who have not read.....
-Not a husband, BF of 1.5 years
-3 kids from previous, 1 baby from him
- the first 3 are not his daughters real siblings.
- his older child is a real sibling
- he doesn't like her weight, boobs, or nether regions
-she laughs about how he treats the kids
- says how great it is he is honest (I value honesty but this guy is an *kitten*)
-when people say he sounds like a psycho because of the way he treats the kids, OP laughed and says yep he says he's a psycho and I have called him that.
- She is early 20's
-She makes comments..."that we would all freak if we knew how he treated her son" then laughs.
Weight and honesty are not the issues of this thread.
- ok
- yes
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- apparently he knows hes wrong. we had a talk about it.
- we both don't like my weight, we both don't like my boobs, hes clarified that hes fine with it and he didn't mean it the way i said it.
- I do not.
- honesty is the best policy
- his views are insane, but he will learn to be open minded
- late 20's, i'm 26
- a lot of people think that because hes a step parent he should not be disciplinary toward any of them < these people would freak.
Do not let him discipline the children.0 -
Wow what overwhelming numbers of responses you have.
I had a similar circumstance with my ex. He told me basically the same thing as your husband and I reacted the same way. I respected his honesty. However, his honesty didn't motivate me. It seems apparent his attachment to you is more physical for him and not as much emotional. That is a flag.
I think your husbands comments should not motivate you to lose weight, but motivate you two to get to the root of his feelings of not being attracted to you. Honey, it isn't your weight.
let me repeat. It's not your weight, there's something else greater that he needs to work on and you need to know. I know, I have been there.0 -
Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive!
And...I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
If a marital issue isn't enough to motivate you, there is nothing you will find on an anonymous chat board that will motivate you.
Good luck!
Quite true. You can a lead a hors to water but you can make it drink. I think that can apply here to in the sense that he can ignore you getting obese because he just loves you for who you are and how IS THAT supposed to help out let alone strangers who love fitness and support you if your husband isn't enough?? He should love you but Im saying too many woman take advantage of the guy who loves her no matter what so they DO get fa and stay fat. No doubt yours needs to respect you but damn I don't think its a one way ticket to fat city. I am obviously speaking for certain ones because sicknesses or injuries do happen and force a person to gain weight. But c'mon that doesn't happen to everyone. and…if you do watch your weight you would be AMAZED how soon you will be to being healthier.0 -
I'm kind of in the same boat. My husband won't actually tell me so, but I know it has to be a factor. We've been married 20 years, and my body definitely isn't the same as it used to be, especially after two pregnancies. Our sex life has suffered. I want it more than he does, and if I'm honest with myself, I know my body is part of the reason. I'm sure it's affected my self esteem too - which makes me less attractive. I finally just got fed up with it and decided to start this weight loss journey. -Not just for him. -For me. Just like with any addiction, no one can make you stop. You have to finally get pissed enough to change your ways. You have to motivate yourself. I live in an area where young skinny girls are running around half naked in bikinis on any given day. I found myself getting bitter, but I used to be one of those girls. I finally decided to be better, not bitter and get healthy again. You can do it once you're mentally ready to make serious lifestyle changes. Good luck!0
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Your post makes me sad for your children mostly and you as well. Number one should only lose weight if you want to. You should only get your breast fixed if you want to.
Losing weight for anyone other than yourself is a mistake... Good luck. I would lose the idiot.0 -
Hi
I am happy he said that , who knows he just wanted you to say in a way , so that you can seriously take his words and start taking steps toward your physical appearance. He loves you that's why he is so honest to you .It sounds harsh but truth is truth dear so take his words in a positive way . he can only support you as you have 4 kids , so ask his support of looking after kids and you can easily take out an hour or so a day and you will see difference soon
All the very best dear
Wish you luck
Eager to hear that now he found you attractive0 -
Negative comments don't motivate me and/or most people. Positive comments do. That comment (honest or not) was not necessary. I hope he is a good enough husband to support you and help you and keep you motivated in your journey. Do it for YOU not anyone else. Your reasons should be for good health, feeling better, being able to keep up with your kids etc. Not for someone else because of what they think of the way you look. He should have said "babe I love you no matter, but I do want you to be happy and healthy. If your weight bothers you, tell me what I can do to help you and I will do this with you". DO this for YOU!0
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This is very... twisted, sad, unthinkable. This whole thread went BOOM half way through. Get fit for yourself, you were made the way you were, accept it or don't, what you don't like you change. Whether its exercise or surgery (remember that surgery is going to have a long recovery time and some pain involved)
That's all I can say because... boom. craziness0
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