Nagging about saving money for IVF

how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.

I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.

I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!

The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.

Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish. Is this how you want your kid(s) to be? Fix you first.

You actually sound kind of bitter. There really isn't anything wrong with her posting a relationship question on the internet.

Your supportive suggestion was to talk to her husband. That one has been covered in this thread. Life isn't always cut and dry. Some problems are more pervasive and troubling than others. Some people are better able to problem-solve by bouncing ideas off other people. The internet is a great place to do that as you are sure to get a variety of opinions. She has not put her husband down. She has not painted him in a bad light. I don't see at all that she has a "my way or the highway" mentality. She has said that she would not be leaving her husband because of this issue. Were you referring to the way she treated you? Because your suggestion, while a wise one, is only going to get her part way to the solution. And in the process of providing her with only a partial solution that has already been covered, you attacked her and called her childish.

Why don't you fix you before you give out advice on the internet? Especially since you have such a huge problem with people asking for it.

Life is that cut and dry. Communicate, make a decision and follow through. I'm not bitter at all. I called her childish because after 14 pages and the repeated advice of talk to your husband because there seems to be a difference in pages of what they both actually want out of life, has been ignored. I'm all for the internet and getting opinions and learning from others who are in different walks of life than yours. However if a majority are all telling you the same thing its called get a clue. She has painted her husband in a bad light. She basically has told us that he has no regard for how she feels. Because she said that they agreed on a budget and he won't stick to it. That being said to me screams that he doesn't actually care about what they agreed upon together and now she is trying to figure out how to get it to go back to her way. The only way for them to work this out isn't a money problem its a respect problem that only they can figure out. Maybe they can go spend some money first on couseling then IVF.

There could be any number of reasons that he is spending money that have absolutely nothing to do with his desire to have the IVF procedure. Your answer actually ISN'T the only right answer. And I don't see at all where the OP has stated that she plans to ignore the advice to talk to her husband. Not once anywhere has she stated that she doesn't want to have a discussion with him about it. Not once did she say that all she wanted was a way to manipulate her husband in wanting what she wants.

She actually agreed to talk to her husband and others went on to give her suggestions on how to save money and/or other alternatives to IVF. I'm not sure how any of that would give you the impression that she only cares about what she wants. But if you honestly think after 15 pages (or wherever it was that you eventually showed up in this thread) that the OP somehow missed that communicating with her husband was the FIRST step to solving the problem, well then you are either ignorant or you just came in here to pick a fight.

So which is it? Ignorant or bitter?

TIL no one is allowed to want their own biological children if unable to conceive naturally, adoption is free (lol), budgeting is a means of keeping your husband's balls in a vice grip, and my new favorite gif involves a cat and a hedgehog. I think I got everything.

Don't forget that children RUIN LIVES!!!

Oh I like you

Don't get attached b/c I definitely don't like you.

bammmmm lol

how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.

I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.

I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!

The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.

Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish. Is this how you want your kid(s) to be? Fix you first.

You actually sound kind of bitter. There really isn't anything wrong with her posting a relationship question on the internet.

Your supportive suggestion was to talk to her husband. That one has been covered in this thread. Life isn't always cut and dry. Some problems are more pervasive and troubling than others. Some people are better able to problem-solve by bouncing ideas off other people. The internet is a great place to do that as you are sure to get a variety of opinions. She has not put her husband down. She has not painted him in a bad light. I don't see at all that she has a "my way or the highway" mentality. She has said that she would not be leaving her husband because of this issue. Were you referring to the way she treated you? Because your suggestion, while a wise one, is only going to get her part way to the solution. And in the process of providing her with only a partial solution that has already been covered, you attacked her and called her childish.

Why don't you fix you before you give out advice on the internet? Especially since you have such a huge problem with people asking for it.

Life is that cut and dry. Communicate, make a decision and follow through. I'm not bitter at all. I called her childish because after 14 pages and the repeated advice of talk to your husband because there seems to be a difference in pages of what they both actually want out of life, has been ignored. I'm all for the internet and getting opinions and learning from others who are in different walks of life than yours. However if a majority are all telling you the same thing its called get a clue. She has painted her husband in a bad light. She basically has told us that he has no regard for how she feels. Because she said that they agreed on a budget and he won't stick to it. That being said to me screams that he doesn't actually care about what they agreed upon together and now she is trying to figure out how to get it to go back to her way. The only way for them to work this out isn't a money problem its a respect problem that only they can figure out. Maybe they can go spend some money first on couseling then IVF.

AtmaKing for prez!

By all means, don't have children if you don't want them.

But yeah, 3 kids, NO ruined life. Thanks though.

how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.

I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.

I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!

The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.

Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish. Is this how you want your kid(s) to be? Fix you first.

You actually sound kind of bitter. There really isn't anything wrong with her posting a relationship question on the internet.

Your supportive suggestion was to talk to her husband. That one has been covered in this thread. Life isn't always cut and dry. Some problems are more pervasive and troubling than others. Some people are better able to problem-solve by bouncing ideas off other people. The internet is a great place to do that as you are sure to get a variety of opinions. She has not put her husband down. She has not painted him in a bad light. I don't see at all that she has a "my way or the highway" mentality. She has said that she would not be leaving her husband because of this issue. Were you referring to the way she treated you? Because your suggestion, while a wise one, is only going to get her part way to the solution. And in the process of providing her with only a partial solution that has already been covered, you attacked her and called her childish.

Why don't you fix you before you give out advice on the internet? Especially since you have such a huge problem with people asking for it.

Life is that cut and dry. Communicate, make a decision and follow through. I'm not bitter at all. I called her childish because after 14 pages and the repeated advice of talk to your husband because there seems to be a difference in pages of what they both actually want out of life, has been ignored. I'm all for the internet and getting opinions and learning from others who are in different walks of life than yours. However if a majority are all telling you the same thing its called get a clue. She has painted her husband in a bad light. She basically has told us that he has no regard for how she feels. Because she said that they agreed on a budget and he won't stick to it. That being said to me screams that he doesn't actually care about what they agreed upon together and now she is trying to figure out how to get it to go back to her way. The only way for them to work this out isn't a money problem its a respect problem that only they can figure out. Maybe they can go spend some money first on couseling then IVF.

There could be any number of reasons that he is spending money that have absolutely nothing to do with his desire to have the IVF procedure. Your answer actually ISN'T the only right answer. And I don't see at all where the OP has stated that she plans to ignore the advice to talk to her husband. Not once anywhere has she stated that she doesn't want to have a discussion with him about it. Not once did she say that all she wanted was a way to manipulate her husband in wanting what she wants.

She actually agreed to talk to her husband and others went on to give her suggestions on how to save money and/or other alternatives to IVF. I'm not sure how any of that would give you the impression that she only cares about what she wants. But if you honestly think after 15 pages (or wherever it was that you eventually showed up in this thread) that the OP somehow missed that communicating with her husband was the FIRST step to solving the problem, well then you are either ignorant or you just came in here to pick a fight.

So which is it? Ignorant or bitter?

Well Said! Thank You! I wasn't even going to bother Yes, in many posts I said I should sit down and talk to him and figure something different out.

You said multiple times you should, but have you? Just as you believe his words should result in action, so should yours.

Why aren't you considering adoption? Why force your body to do something it's not naturally inclined to do in your case?
Plus, IVF isn't guaranteed. You could end up with 5 babies, or worse, have to "selectively abort" some until you have the choice amount. I all smacks of a puppy mill to me, to be honest.
There are children already existing out there that need you, don't understand why people have to force their hands with this, taking drugs and going into a lab for impregnation (shudder). And before you say "I want my OWN child", I have a little girl that I adopted when she was 8 months old that couldn't be more MINE if I had carried her myself. We have the closest, best bond and I couldn't love her an iota more than I already do.

Maybe adopting would be a better financial descision. There are thousands of kids in the US alone that need a family, need love.

Thank you! Not everyone is ready to actually *have* kids. People don't realize what the commitment to an actual baby is or does to you. 21k for IVF is A LOT of money for something that might not work. Adopting a kid and one day financing their education is a better investment for me. The OP's husband doesn't sound like he is too keen on this IVF process. It's not easy if you are just saying yes to make someone happy and don't actually feel the same way.

To all those that have adopted: Thank you for taking an emotional and financial risk to rescue a pre-existing child that desperately needed a loving home. You saved and enriched a life and had yours enriched in the process.

Also, for all those suggesting "just adopt an infant" I'd suggest you research it a bit more. It is incredibly difficult and expensive. As far as adopting an older child, you need to realize that they are available to be adopted for a reason - their parents have lost custody for a reason. There are not US orphanages just full of children who's parents have died. The older children available for adoption often have many special needs and issues. Even those with the best of intentions will find it terribly daunting.

EXACTLY. While it is incredibly admirable and wonderful that people are willing to take special needs children into their hearts and homes, it's not fair that people who can't conceive naturally are expected to do so, and that if they want to try and have their own instead of adopting they're somehow "selfish".

My husband and I actually did adoption classes with the intent of adopting through Children's Aid Society, and the workers there who ran the class said that we were pretty well guaranteed to get a child with a myriad of problems, potentially physical, behavioral, psychological, or all of the above. We were not ready or equipped for that, so we had to put a hold on it when the classes were done.

The other options, private or international adoption, are actually MORE expensive than IVF, and are NO guarantee of actually getting a baby at the end. Adoptions fall through all the time for various reasons. If I could go to some kind of baby drive-through and get a random baby handed to me, I would love it like I gave birth to it and be happy. But it is NOT that easy, and it's really ignorant to suggest it to an infertile person, especially if you've never dealt with it yourself. Believe me, the infertile person you're talking to has very likely already thought about it, and/or looked into it.

I also went through adoption training classes in MN through Children's Home Society. Each class I got more and more scared. A panel of parents who had already adopted through the program came to talk. Afterwards, about half the class was even more excited to adopt and half wanted to run away screaming. Some were dealing with multiple 3 letter diagnoses that were not disclosed until after adoption - ADD, ODD, RAD - you name it. You fill out a questionnaire describing what behaviors you could deal with and what you couldn't. Would it be ok if they had a history of fire-setting? Abuse of animals? Food hoarding?

The best part was that you can look through websites of waiting children, go through all the training and a homestudy, and not until nearly the very end of the process are you allowed to see their files or hear anything about their past. I went in with the best of intentions and abandoned ship near the end of the process. I cannot emphasize enough how much I respect those parents who were able to provide a home to a child, but anyone who thinks adoption would be "less stress" than IVF is sorely misinformed.

Ahem. And what health guarantee do you have when you have your child biologically? Because you carry it, they will be free from epilepsy, leukemia, asthma? please. My adoption cost less than what the OP says she is spending on IVF, and it was a helluva lot less painful.

I agree. There is absolutely no guarantee about anything. Your adoption process (of an 8 month old) was probably pretty different than what I experienced looking at older kids.

There could be any number of reasons that he is spending money that have absolutely nothing to do with his desire to have the IVF procedure. Your answer actually ISN'T the only right answer. And I don't see at all where the OP has stated that she plans to ignore the advice to talk to her husband. Not once anywhere has she stated that she doesn't want to have a discussion with him about it. Not once did she say that all she wanted was a way to manipulate her husband in wanting what she wants.

She actually agreed to talk to her husband and others went on to give her suggestions on how to save money and/or other alternatives to IVF. I'm not sure how any of that would give you the impression that she only cares about what she wants. But if you honestly think after 15 pages (or wherever it was that you eventually showed up in this thread) that the OP somehow missed that communicating with her husband was the FIRST step to solving the problem, well then you are either ignorant or you just came in here to pick a fight.

So which is it? Ignorant or bitter?

She doesn’t have to state it. Although I'm pretty sure she finally understands now what I was trying to get her to see. But the first 14 pages where the advice was given to "speak to your husband" was truly the only advice that was given that needed to be taken. I didn't even come up with it first. I like on many threads, read it saw she got the answer that I would have given and moved on. However when the thread is going to roll and has been going on for 14 pages after the answer to her question was given on page 1, I had to say something in a manner that may have be “extreme” to some because there are people who can’t see things any other way. So to answer your question, yes I came to pick a fight, because sometimes picking a fight with someone is the only way they know how to actually see advice.

The suggestions on how to save money start by sticking to a budget established between her and her husband. That starts with a conversation with her husband. The fact she continued to show up and ask, then defend him (which is good, she is a good woman) means she missed the fact she should talk with him. The issue isn’t money coming in it’s the money going out. They presented each other with a plan and agreed upon it. The issue isn’t the money or the flying over seas or IVF at all, the issue is her husband is currently not respecting her by his actions. Until she can see that and until she can get with him and help him fix that. No advice outside of “speak with your husband” applies anymore. If he needs help with his spending because he lacks self control that is on him, she can help him get that help but its ultimately on him.

Ignorant? Nope. Bitter? Not at all. Trying to help someone see the problem at its core? Sure. Taking unorthodox outside the box approaches to it? Sure. Bitter and ignorant? Not in the least.

I had IVF so let me put in my two cents. Don't stress, it's not gonna help. Put it on a credit card, once you give birth, you can claim your child tax credit then pay off your CC. That's what we did. My son is almost 2 and he's paid off Yaay! :drinker:

Oh and my husband only gets $20/week and no gas money :glasses:

A child tax credit is to invest in your kid's future, not pay off his creation. It is absolutely despicable that people are allowed to go into debt to procreate.

It's also despicable that some people suggested fostering children because "they pay you money".

I had IVF so let me put in my two cents. Don't stress, it's not gonna help. Put it on a credit card, once you give birth, you can claim your child tax credit then pay off your CC. That's what we did. My son is almost 2 and he's paid off Yaay! :drinker:

Oh and my husband only gets $20/week and no gas money :glasses:

A child tax credit is to invest in your kid's future, not pay off his creation. It is absolutely despicable that people are allowed to go into debt to procreate.

Wow, that's just disgusting and I had no idea this type of thing was even allowed. What a way to exacerbate already two monumental worldly problems.

I had IVF so let me put in my two cents. Don't stress, it's not gonna help. Put it on a credit card, once you give birth, you can claim your child tax credit then pay off your CC. That's what we did. My son is almost 2 and he's paid off Yaay! :drinker:

Oh and my husband only gets $20/week and no gas money :glasses:

A child tax credit is to invest in your kid's future, not pay off his creation. It is absolutely despicable that people are allowed to go into debt to procreate.

Right. People should only go into debt for new cars and clothes and T.V.s...

the government doesn't help you buy a car, clothes or TV, nor do they give you money to bail out of the debt for them

I had IVF so let me put in my two cents. Don't stress, it's not gonna help. Put it on a credit card, once you give birth, you can claim your child tax credit then pay off your CC. That's what we did. My son is almost 2 and he's paid off Yaay! :drinker:

Oh and my husband only gets $20/week and no gas money :glasses:

A child tax credit is to invest in your kid's future, not pay off his creation. It is absolutely despicable that people are allowed to go into debt to procreate.

Right. People should only go into debt for new cars and clothes and T.V.s...

Too many people living outside their means these days.

Yes, yes they are... but that is a separate subject