Nagging about saving money for IVF

DSTMT

Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?

Thats what I said. It got ignored by the OP

Because it's rude, and ignorant....Why should infertile people be chastised for wanting biological babies, and doing what they have to do to try and get them?

^SO MUCH THIS.

Cali, go back and read my response on page 7.

I quoted with the 'ignored' part.
My original suggestion of adoption was more tactful.

As I said previously, I'm not anti-IVF. I suggested adoption because not everyone thinks of it. And the OP addressed it, adoption is next if IVF doesn't work. Or they may adopt even if it does.

Yeah, regardless, unless you're their doctor or therapist, I think it's rude and tactless to suggest adoption to someone dealing with IF. It's not a big deal. I say rude sh1t all the time without thinking about it, and I know that most people who have never dealt with IF probably don't see why it's insensitive. Which is why I agreed when it was pointed out. But I don't want to debate it or anything. It's impolite, even if the OP is super gracious and wasn't bothered by it.

Exactly.

SassyCalyGirl

I hope you have done research on IVF. There's no guarantee with this process, in fact most end in miscarriage or several before or if it actually works.

good luck

PurringMyrrh

Why not put hubby on the comp, let him read this thread, and get his side of the story?

He would agree with everything I said. Honestly. Why lie?

But if he were truly 100% on board with saving for the procedure he wouldn't be spending more than his "allowance" and he would be on board with saving every penny.

He is 100% on board with wanting to save for IVF. He wants a baby more than anything. We planned this budget together. He Wants to save but ends up spending more money than planned. It is like Losing weight. I want more than anything to tone up and lose weight, I just find it hard to do sometimes. Temptations

Maybe he's not actually on board as you are, but loves you so much he's afraid to lose you if he indicates otherwise. Slipping up on your diet once in a while isn't going to sabotage the long term results, yet in your opening post you said you feel he's doing it constantly. If he "wants a baby more than anything", you'd be on the same page...or at least the same chapter.

SunofaBeach14

OP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.

I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary to

NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.

What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.

When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.

What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.

This is awful advice.

Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.

FatFreeFrolicking

OP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.

I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary to

NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.

What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.

When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.

What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.

This is awful advice.

Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.

No, my advice wasn't awful.

There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.

Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.

PurringMyrrh

That last sentence sums up everything nicely.

DenDweller

I am trying to wrap my head around how $100/week is "a crazy amount" of money?:noway: I could blow through more than $100 in just one DAY.

And I am also with the "you're not ready for this" group.

This.

If you're scraping by where $100/week makes a significant difference in your savings, bringing a child into the mix isn't gonna help the situation.

SunofaBeach14

OP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.

I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary to

NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.

What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.

When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.

What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.

This is awful advice.

Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.

No, my advice wasn't awful.

There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.

Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.

Well, I agree with your last sentence. The rest of it, we'll have to agree to disagree.

_errata_

PurringMyrrh

Good gravy, the things I would do to that man.

odusgolp

Oh hai. Just popping in.

wheird

OP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.

I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary to

NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.

What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.

When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.

What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.

This is awful advice.

Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.

No, my advice wasn't awful.

There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.

Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.

I think that is your youth and inexperience talking.

msbunnie68

I am going to agree with the posters who suggested a separate untouchable bank account with a direct debit for your saving for baby fund.


However...I am going to add this.

You DO need to budget for a little luxury - which may mean to budget for your husband to have his $100 a week. It is all well and good to be totally single minded focused on making a baby and having a baby BUT you also need to remember to live as well.

Saving with an end goal is great but you also need to enjoy now as well. Is a having a round of IVF 4 months earlier than you planned originally that may or may not be successful worth totally sucking the entire fun out of your current life? Could doing this HARDER than it has to be place more strain on your marriage? Do you think that perhaps your husband bears the weight of some issues due to not being able to impregnate you and this stringent budget is a little like a punishment?

I know (and trust me I certainly do know) the absolute longing to have a baby and the devastation of it not happening like everyone else, so it is with this wisdom and knowledge that I suggest you do this with one eye on the budget and the other eye on your relationship and marriage. Don't sacrifice one to gain the other.

my_chrystal82

I won't address your money saving issues, as many others have shared good advice. I will say this about getting pregnant, via IVF or any other method.

If you continue to stress, and your body continues to stress, the body will respond to this stress naturally. IE., not getting pregnant. I've known many coworkers and friends who cried on my shoulder about not being able to get pregnant. Some used IVF, and the others got pregnant, all after a lengthy vacation (4-6weeks) and a good rest.

Good luck! It sounds like you'll be a good mum.

sixout

OP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.

I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary to

NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.

What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.

When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.

What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.

This is awful advice.

Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.

No, my advice wasn't awful.

There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.

Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.

100 a week on things like that isn't really much. I spend that much just on lunch for the week. Let's do the math. A 12 pack a week, which is roughly 2 beers per day (which a lot of people have, because it relaxes you after work) is about 14 dollars for. Chewing tobacco is an addiction, just quiting it sometimes isn't an option without some kind of nicotine relief. Let's say he goes down to one per week, that's let's say 5 dollars. Golfing once a week as his form of release, or something to have fun with? Why should that be cut out? You have to enjoy life too, so that's maybe 40 dollars. Say he wants to go out for lunch once per week, that can easily be 20 dollars if you want to have a good meal, if you're only dooing it once.

So we're sitting at 80 dollars now. The remaining 20 dollars can easily go away via bubblegum, chips at the convenience store, a sode here and there, tic tacs. various other things. 100 dollars doesn't get you far in this day and age.

And as a guy that works a lot, I can tell you that if I didn't have a few things every week just because I wanted them, I'd be a very unhappy person. All work and no play, it's just not good for you.

SO yea, I'm going to have to disagree with your advice.

jd1208

This one is pretty small potatoes, but I have a piggy bank that we put all our two pound coins in whenever we get them. Two pound coins aren't very common in the UK, but not terribly uncommon either. So whenever we get one by chance it goes into the piggy bank. It was surprising how much it built up. The piggy we have, is designed to hold two grand when it's full.

Maybe there is some similar thing you can do. Like everyday when you get home empty all shrapnel into a piggy bank. Might not work so well in USA as you have notes for much smaller denominations (i.e. for a dollar, whereas here minimum is £5). But anyway it's just a more subtle way of saving.

Also there exists a private place in England that will give a free IVF treatment if you donate your eggs at the same time. (This is not a NHS thing) maybe there is something similar in the USA. It's called egg sharing here.

melinda200208

If I was you, I would stop talking/nagging about money issues and IVF , completely.
Actions speak louder than words.
If he brings either topic up, just answer with the least possible response.
He will figure it out.
Not knowing your financial situation, I am guessing that there are may other expenses you both have that could be reduced, that list is long but most can't "change" what they are comfortable with. Housing, cars, entertainment, travel, gadgets ,etc.
100 a week is $14 and change a day. That does not buy much ? coffee ? couple beers ? lunch ? whatever.

Good luck and hang in there....

Thank you for your comment. I think communication is key in a relationship. Yes, I could stop nagging. And I may have to if it affects our relationship. But, I can't say I'll ever answer with the least possible response. During the week he makes his own lunches for work, brings coffee from home, pays gas with the credit card. To be honest, that 100 usually gets spent on the weekends.. Thanks again!

melinda200208

Maybe put something up somewhere visible in the house, so you can see where your daily/weekly budget is? Sometimes people don't realize what they spend, and a visual reminder might help.

I like this. A nice graphic with dollars saved and months til goal. Hang it on the fridge and never mention it again. He can make his decisions based on your progress.

Great Idea!!!!!

melinda200208

You should probably work out your marital problems first.

LOL! Thanks but NO Marital problems!! LOL!!