which parent is the jerk in this instance

morethenjustmum · August 2014

It is very unlike me to post this type of thing but I am unsure of myself and don't know who to ask

I am going to recreate an interaction I recently had with a neighbour. I'd like some opinions about it. I can't ask anyone in my rl cause I really don't want to stir the s**t among this group of friends. About 4 families and we have all been really really close for about 4 years

I won't say which one I am and hopefully get some impartial unbiased opinions

preface, mom A has invited 4 local families over to her place to have a nacho off , party to take place tonight.
mom B 's son was so excited he cried cause he wanted it to happen yesterday. Cause he loves mom a's kids so much and we haven't seen a lot of each other this summer.

the first part takes place in the local park

mom A oh hey you shaved the back of your head cool , how come

mom B I have wanted to do it for a few years and just got up the guts , ha ha plus three weeks ago the kids had lice so seemed like a good time to try it.

mom A ewww did you have it too

mom B, no just paranoid and overcautious

two hours later via text ( word for word from my phone )

mom A: Husband A is concerned about possibility of nits spreading. Maybe we should postpone the nacho fest with your boys and do a last weekend before school blow out? Would that be Okay?

mom B Oh the lice is long gone. It was on them 3 weeks ago and I have treated them and checked them they are clean. I was just paranoid. Child 1 had only one adult lice and child 2 has been clean since the first treatment. I didnt even have it myself, just treated my hair in case. But if you're sure I will tell them we can't go. Its gonna break child 2 heart

mom A. Hey mom b its husband A here, even tho I shave my head we have a lot of kids coming over and don't want to risk it. My family is also coming for a visit to go Sick Kids (hospital) and just want to be safe. I'm sorry about this but we will make it up to child 2 before school starts.

mom B; So you acutally think I would have come over to your house on sunday if my kids had had lice. Thanks nice to know what you think of me

next morning

mom a I'm sorry you took that personally. It is more a fear of a contagious parasite but I understand how you feel

mom b no i understand completely. You guys think I am unable and not competent enough to deal with it and my reassurances that they are clean aren't good enough for you. I understand have fun.

mom b And how can I not be hurt when I had to hold my kid while he cried himself to sleep asking my why you guys don't like him

So long sorry I know this is lame but I really don't know whose opinion to ask and posting here I know I will honest non emotionally invested answers.

Thanks in advance.
Bonus points to anyone who can figure out which parent I am lol

YF92 · August 2014

Cant really give an opinion here

but I'd say your mom B

Ferrous_Female_Dog · August 2014

You're Mom A.

StaciMarie1974 · August 2014

If its a friend, someone you've known to be responsible and they say it was an issue 2-3 weeks ago: I'd trust them on it.

Drama_Free_Zone · August 2014

Papa B is an over-reactive schmuck, Mom A is also over reacting to his over reaction, Mom B is caught in the middle. No good solution other than talk it out over beers and just let it pass.

fivethreeone · August 2014

One is overreacting and one is passive aggressive.

So_Much_Fab · August 2014

I think you're B.

I think if it were me, I wouldn't have uninvited yo...*cough cough*...Mom B based on what was written.

BigT555 · August 2014

both are in the wrong, both overreacted. you (assuming you are b) overreacted to her rescheduling when she is concerned about spreading lice (valid concern) and the other parent overreacted to the lice situation when it was already dealt with, but how could she know 100% that there are no lice remaining on a hat, or clothes, or wherever else

Ferrous_Female_Dog · August 2014

Family A is being paranoid.

jasonmh630 · August 2014

Mom B is over-reacting. Mom/Husband A is just trying to be on the safe side, just in case. But seems to be a little on the passive aggressive side.

ChelseaWelseyKins · August 2014

I totally understand why they wouldn't want the kids coming over, lice sucks. But on the other hand, if it's been 2 weeks and you're positive no one has it, then there shouldn't be a problem.
You're probably mom B considering you said "and WE haven't seen THEM in a while" after talking about Mom A inviting you guys over.

YF92 · August 2014

^

Thats what told me she's mom B too

PlanetVelma · August 2014

This conversation would have probably ended better if it was on the phone or face to face instead of text.

I think both sets of parents could have handled the situation better.

So_Much_Fab · August 2014

You're probably mom B considering you said "and WE haven't seen THEM in a while" after talking about Mom A inviting you guys over.

Yep, I caught that as well.

FaylinaMeir · August 2014

I dunno which one you are but lice isn't something to play with its a royal pain in the *kitten* and I think mom b is kinda being a jerk not understand not everyone would enjoy the issues that come from lice.
It's like getting rid of fleas, you have to vaccum everyday, clean EVERY little corner in your home, rewash some of your clothes if the lice is bad enough, not to mention the expense of the lice shampoos. I agree with Mom A
not to mention it usually takes more than " a couple weeks" to get rid of head lice completely as the eggs (nits) can take a long time to hatch. Family A seems responsible, Mom B seems self absorbed with the "poor me" attitude.

Veil5577 · August 2014

both are in the wrong, both overreacted. you (assuming you are b) overreacted to her rescheduling when she is concerned about spreading lice (valid concern) and the other parent overreacted to the lice situation when it was already dealt with, but how could she know 100% that there are no lice remaining on a hat, or clothes, or wherever else

Agree.

jasonmh630 · August 2014

I totally understand why they wouldn't want the kids coming over, lice sucks. But on the other hand, if it's been 2 weeks and you're positive no one has it, then there shouldn't be a problem.
You're probably mom B considering you said "and WE haven't seen THEM in a while" after talking about Mom A inviting you guys over.

What convinced me that she was Mom B was this:

two hours later via text ( word for word from my phone )

mom A: Husband A is concerned about possibility of nits spreading. Maybe we should postpone the nacho fest with your boys and do a last weekend before school blow out? Would that be Okay?

Jim_Barteck · August 2014

Based purely on this description, I'd have to say Mom B is being unreasonable.

#1: Oh your child has had pneumonia really recently?

#2: Yes, but it's all better, and he's not contagious. I'm sure of it.

#1: There's no way we can be sure. So let's do this another time.

#2: Oh. So you don't think I'm qualified to tell? Forget you then!

See how unreasonable that sounds when it's something else that's contagious? Lice are no joke, and nobody wants to unnecessarily expose their families (or someone else's) to them if possible.

If they hadn't offered to make it up another time, then perhaps, maybe, possibly you could say they were being unreasonable. But it sounds like they were trying to protect their kids *AND* the fact that they would have been responsible not just for their own children, but a bunch of others (with very angry parents if they had been exposed). But they *DID* offer, so they clearly weren't trying to be mean. Just cautious. And there's not a thing wrong on the planet with that.

365andstillalive · August 2014

I'm going to say you're mom B.
I can understand being upset, it's something you know is going to upset your child and so on, but at the same time, the other family has a trip planned to that hospital for an important reason I assume. My boyfriend's sister had brain surgery a few months ago and was in the hospital for months, nearly a month of which my boyfriend wasn't allowed to go see her because he had an ear infection that lasted a week and that he took antibitotics for. These hospitals are really cautious for a reason, and not only is lice annoying, but in an environment like that it would spread like crazy. They need to be cautious. They also did extend an offer to do something later on, and apologized.
I'm not a parent, but I know these things came up all the time when I was a kid, and both my parents always shrugged it off. People will always do what they feel is best for their child, in the same way I hope you would for yours.

So mom A or mom B, you're just trying to do your best.
Good luck!

randomtai · August 2014

Does the B stand for something?

seltzermint555 · August 2014

Mom B is over-reacting. Mom/Husband A is just trying to be on the safe side, just in case. But seems to be a little on the passive aggressive side.

I agree with this.

As for me personally, I would maybe cancel a SLEEPOVER based on a fear of residual nits and/or lice but not an outdoor activity and probably not an indoor nacho fest or whatever.

opus649 · August 2014

Seems like the parent of the upset child could have done a better job of softening the blow.

Holly_Roman_Empire · August 2014

Family A is overreacting, and mom B is doing a shltty job of expressing her disappointment in it.

Regardless, Family A can make that decision if they want. Mom B can be mad about it all she wants, but that doesn't help anything. Hindsight is 20/20, but maybe you shouldn't mention lice in the future.

ETA: And I think you're mom B. Putting a thread on MFP about this is pretty passive-aggressive, much like mom B's text response to family A.

liekewheeless · August 2014

I get both sides,..but lice are not that big a deal.. sure it sucks,.. and all. But they are not that hard to treat.
The kids probably don't have them anymore. And if they are really concerned, they can check their kids after the party and just keep an eye on it.

All kids will end up with lice at one point.

The family with the lice could have handled it better too, if there are concerns postponing would be best for all. No one is left out and no one has to worry about a parasite.

morethenjustmum · August 2014

I agree that both of us could have handled this better.
thanks for everyone who gave their opinion, it's given me a lot to think about
I appreciate you all taking the time to answer

LoneWolf_70 · August 2014

id never be friends with anyone who ever had lice. dirty people.

mamaoftwins9197 · August 2014

One is overreacting and one is passive aggressive.

This

liekewheeless · August 2014

Actually,.. I believe lice prefer clean hair.

randomtai · August 2014

All kids will end up with lice at one point.

Uhhh... no.

neandermagnon · August 2014

I think the one that's paranoid about the lice is excessively paranoid, given that headlice are harmless, albeit a nuisance. they're easily treated so there's no need to cancel an event over fears of it. That strikes me as an excessive fear of something that her kids are going to pick up sooner or later, frankly. How's she going to react if/when the kids catch lice at school? It's head lice, not ebola.

the other one overreacted a bit to the first one's concerns about the lice - i.e. took it personally rather than just rolling her eyes and saying to herself that this mother's being a bit of a clean freak (I'd guess a germophobe too...? perhaps that's presumptious)... and regarding the kid, what was told to the kid as the reason why the event was cancelled? Why did the child take it so personally? If it was me I'd have said something like "

's mum is worried that head lice are going round the neighbourhood, and she knows you guys don't have them, because you've been treated, but some of the other kids might have them and she's worried about that" - then I'd have to field questions about why the mother's so terrified of head lice but I think the kids wouldn't take that explanation personally........ if the kid was told that and still took the cancellation personally to the point that they cried themselves to sleep then IMO that's a bigger issue than just that event being cancelled. Maybe there's a deeper issue, e.g. the child's having difficulty socialising, making and keeping friends, or maybe the child is taking things too personally, so maybe some other kind of help for that child is necessary.

so the answer is they both could have handled the situation better. But the excessive worry about head lice was the issue that started it, and really, if it's going round the school and/or neighbourhood, it's inevitable kids are going to catch them, event or no event, and cancelling a social event for that reason is excessively paranoic, better to just do regular nit inspections and get whatever treatment is most effective from the pharmacy. Like I said, it's not ebola.

ASH2038602 · August 2014

To be completely honest, I also would have cancelled. Better safe than sorry. And they did make an attempt to reschedule, which is exactly what I would have done. That being said if it were my son that had the lice two weeks prior, I probably also would have been upset. Call your friend. We are parents and we all get a little nuts over protecting our children. I got into it with a friend over a TB scare. I called her and said I wanted to meet when she was cleared. I brought some beer we apologized to each other and it was done.

which parent is the jerk in this instance

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