Rudeness of a total stranger!
Replies
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OK, seriously? I'm reading through this and on page 2 and I cannot believe there are people who think what this guy did was in any way appropriate or not rude. What he did was NOT OK.
DO NOT DO THIS. Not to strangers and not to people you know unless they ask you to.0 -
I don't think he meant to be rude. Honestly, to him he could have thought your dining partners were aware of your diet [you went to Subway and were drinking water]. I would have looked at what you were eating and thought the same thing. I think you were offended because it's in our culture-- Western culture-- to not point out things like that. I've read blogs written by expats in East Asia and it seems normal to point out someone's weight to them there. It's never coming from a bad place, just an observation they make to try to help you. I';ve read how some expats would have their weight gain/loss pointed out to them by students they teach and/or co-workers.
Now, if it was me. I would feel the exact way that you feel, but not to the same extent.
But that's only because I've dealt with worse public humilation. Once I was referred to with "that's a big ***** right there" in public by young strangers [I have a large build for a female], so I think I've built a thicker skin to such comments. When it happened, I felt so horrible I wanted to cry though, but I didn't.
I think you handled it rather well.
ETA: A lot of times when I post I feel like I come across the wrong way. I'm not trying to compare mole hills, but use this as motivation to get to where you want to be.0 -
He probably meant well, and just didn't realize how out of line his comment was. Or he's just a douche bag who feels like everyone needs to fit into his cookie cutter idea of what's acceptable.
The important thing is to not let it ruin your day or your progress. You're here because you want to make a change, and you want to do it for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, what matters is how you feel about yourself.0 -
I don't think he meant to be rude. Honestly, to him he could have thought your dining partners were aware of your diet [you went to Subway and were drinking water]. I would have looked at what you were eating and thought the same thing. I think you were offended because it's in our culture-- Western culture-- to not point out things like that. I've read blogs written by expats in East Asia and it seems normal to point out someone's weight to them there. It's never coming from a bad place, just an observation they make to try to help you. I';ve read how some expats would have their weight gain/loss pointed out to them by students they teach and/or co-workers.
Now, if it was me. I would feel the exact way that you feel, but not to the same extent.
But that's only because I've dealt with worse public humilation. Once I was referred to with "that's a big ***** right there" in public by young strangers [I have a large build for a female], so I think I've built a thicker skin to such comments. When it happened, I felt so horrible I wanted to cry though, but I didn't.
I think you handled it rather well.
See, and again, I have to ask...if this was another kind of personal problem besides weight (ex. acne), do you still think it would be appropriate to comment?
I think that people think that they can comment on weight more freely because it's something we all have to manage but, in reality, it's just as inappropriate as commenting on any other personal care issue.0 -
OK, seriously? I'm reading through this and on page 2 and I cannot believe there are people who think what this guy did was in any way appropriate or not rude. What he did was NOT OK.
DO NOT DO THIS. Not to strangers and not to people you know unless they ask you to.
im disappointed but not surprised by all the people on this website thinking this sh1t is ok
seriously OP I would of said something like "and who the fvck are you fvck off" to that bullsh1t of a "i am only saying these things so i can feel good about myself " man0 -
And for a mere $50.00 a pop... I am sure he would "work out" with you as a trainer...
HIs business must suck right now.. and you are the innocent bystander whom he thought was an easy mark..
MOVE ON... he is a stranger that you will never see again.. keep striving towards your goal....
8 kg.... congrats!! Keep it up0 -
I don't think he meant to be rude. Honestly, to him he could have thought your dining partners were aware of your diet [you went to Subway and were drinking water]. I would have looked at what you were eating and thought the same thing. I think you were offended because it's in our culture-- Western culture-- to not point out things like that. I've read blogs written by expats in East Asia and it seems normal to point out someone's weight to them there. It's never coming from a bad place, just an observation they make to try to help you. I';ve read how some expats would have their weight gain/loss pointed out to them by students they teach and/or co-workers.
Now, if it was me. I would feel the exact way that you feel, but not to the same extent.
But that's only because I've dealt with worse public humilation. Once I was referred to with "that's a big ***** right there" in public by young strangers [I have a large build for a female], so I think I've built a thicker skin to such comments. When it happened, I felt so horrible I wanted to cry though, but I didn't.
I think you handled it rather well.
See, and again, I have to ask...if this was another kind of personal problem besides weight (ex. acne), do you still think it would be appropriate to comment?
I think that people think that they can comment on weight more freely because it's something we all have to manage but, in reality, it's just as inappropriate as commenting on any other personal care issue.
I understand what you're saying. I don't think it was appropriate for this stranger to make such a comment at all. I think that it was inappropriate, but it wasn't coming from a bad place.0 -
what did he say that was rude?
Really? You don't think that approaching a stranger to point out their weight problem is rude? Where I come from - very rude!!!
It's RUDE where i come from too!! You handled it better than I would have, but I'm a *****! I probably would have pointed out some "flaw" of his...like "no matter IF you are trying to help or no matter if you are "fit", you still are rude and that is ALWAYS ugly!!!0 -
Why in the world does it matter if he "meant well"????
He was unbelievably rude and inappropriate. His parents failed him miserably when it comes to interacting with other people in society.0 -
Maybe he was 500lbs when he was 19 years old and know how hard it was lose the weight..0
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That's bizarre. I'm sorry you encountered that.0
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I don't think he meant to be rude. Honestly, to him he could have thought your dining partners were aware of your diet [you went to Subway and were drinking water]. I would have looked at what you were eating and thought the same thing. I think you were offended because it's in our culture-- Western culture-- to not point out things like that. I've read blogs written by expats in East Asia and it seems normal to point out someone's weight to them there. It's never coming from a bad place, just an observation they make to try to help you. I';ve read how some expats would have their weight gain/loss pointed out to them by students they teach and/or co-workers.
Now, if it was me. I would feel the exact way that you feel, but not to the same extent.
But that's only because I've dealt with worse public humilation. Once I was referred to with "that's a big ***** right there" in public by young strangers [I have a large build for a female], so I think I've built a thicker skin to such comments. When it happened, I felt so horrible I wanted to cry though, but I didn't.
I think you handled it rather well.
ETA: A lot of times when I post I feel like I come across the wrong way. I'm not trying to compare mole hills, but use this as motivation to get to where you want to be.
I'm going to start walking up to people in wheel chairs and tell them I can help them with their problems... also any bald person b/c I assume they have cancer- and need the lord jesus in their life.
also this snake oil for 9.99 a bottle- that only lasts one week.
NO. It is NOT OKAY to walk up to someone to discuss something personal.0 -
Know how you feel. Was buying chocolate for my skinny kids and had a complete stranger advise I could join the local over eaters anon. Try not to let it get to you as some people don't understand how hard it is to lose the weight. They think they are being helpful but it really hurts. I personally have enough going on in my life that I dont have time to pay attention to what other people are eating / buying. I think people who have time for it must not lead very exciting lives =D0
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I don't think he meant to be rude. Honestly, to him he could have thought your dining partners were aware of your diet [you went to Subway and were drinking water]. I would have looked at what you were eating and thought the same thing. I think you were offended because it's in our culture-- Western culture-- to not point out things like that. I've read blogs written by expats in East Asia and it seems normal to point out someone's weight to them there. It's never coming from a bad place, just an observation they make to try to help you. I';ve read how some expats would have their weight gain/loss pointed out to them by students they teach and/or co-workers.
Now, if it was me. I would feel the exact way that you feel, but not to the same extent.
But that's only because I've dealt with worse public humilation. Once I was referred to with "that's a big ***** right there" in public by young strangers [I have a large build for a female], so I think I've built a thicker skin to such comments. When it happened, I felt so horrible I wanted to cry though, but I didn't.
I think you handled it rather well.
ETA: A lot of times when I post I feel like I come across the wrong way. I'm not trying to compare mole hills, but use this as motivation to get to where you want to be.
I'm going to start walking up to people in wheel chairs and tell them I can help them with their problems... also any bald person b/c I assume they have cancer- and need the lord jesus in their life.
also this snake oil for 9.99 a bottle- that only lasts one week.
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Keep you head up!!
Reminds me while at the gym when the trainers roams the floor looking for obese people to train.
Recently, I was minding my business doing my routine bike session before lifting and this trainer elected to lecture me about doing cardio before lifting. I had to look at him with a stern face and instructed him to learn how to assist the so called morbidly obese and get back with me.
People can be jerks..0 -
And OP, I think the guy could have been more tactful, but I think his heart was in the right place.
As someone who has lost a bit of weight, I occasionally want to reach out to people that I see that are just like I was - I don't think I'd ever do it, but it's crossed my mind.
+1
I also have had these thoughts about reaching out and offering to help another person struggling with morbid obesity, which I have also struggled with. I am still overweight.
That being said, I would not randomly approach a stranger. Also, it is just not okay to do it in front of a group of people. I'm sure that OP's friends have working eyes and realize that she is overweight. Having a stranger walk up and point it out, even if well-intentioned, is awkward, embarassing and uncomfortable.
There are other ways to be kind and supportive. Smile and say hello. Make yourself approachable and available to others. When you see someone at the gym who seems uncomfortable, introduce yourself and see if they would like to exercise with you. No need to be a creep about it!0 -
You can continue to get healthier with hard work & determination, but I'm guessing there is very little chance that hard work will improve his propensity to be a tool.
Great comment!0 -
what did he say that was rude?
This. He didn't do anything wrong. He was honestly trying to help. If you don't want help., that's fine, but he didn't say anything offensive. You chose to take offence. It's not like he came and told you to "put the sandwich down", now THAT would have been rude.0 -
I am so sorry that happened to you. It is not "helping" you...if this jerk wanted to "help" anyone, the correct way to do that would be to walk up to the table and say, "Hi, I am Joe from Joe's gym. I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you about my gym and what we do." He should have addressed the entire table and presented it more as a sales pitch rather than direct it at one person.
If it had happened to me, First, I would have cried, then I would have gotten angry and called the gym where he works and told them how their insensitive trainer just cost them a customer...because I would NEVER go to that gym.
As far as he knows, you could be 100% happy with who you are and maybe you dont need help. That is infuriating. So sorry!0 -
*headdesk*what did he say that was rude?
This. He didn't do anything wrong. He was honestly trying to help. If you don't want help., that's fine, but he didn't say anything offensive. You chose to take offence. It's not like he came and told you to "put the sandwich down", now THAT would have been rude.0 -
what did he say that was rude?
This. He didn't do anything wrong. He was honestly trying to help. If you don't want help., that's fine, but he didn't say anything offensive. You chose to take offence. It's not like he came and told you to "put the sandwich down", now THAT would have been rude.
Okay. So if I approached you while you were with colleagues (a total stranger) and told you that I could really help you with your fashion sense and offered to take you shopping, you would not find that rude?
Because personally, the fact that he felt the need to give his opinion to a perfect stranger about anything having to do with that stranger is rude.
The OP's weight/size is really not the point here.0 -
what did he say that was rude?
This. He didn't do anything wrong. He was honestly trying to help. If you don't want help., that's fine, but he didn't say anything offensive. You chose to take offence. It's not like he came and told you to "put the sandwich down", now THAT would have been rude.
What if it wasn't weight though. What if it was something else?
I'd really like for one of the people who think this is ok to answer my question.0 -
It is never appropriate to walk up to someone and offer to help fix their appearance. It's not up to you to decide to help someone else look or be the way you want them to be. It's not helpful to police how people look. It's totally insane to think that's ok.
It wasn't about her health, either - they didn't like the way she looked, and decided that whatever junk they had to offer her in terms of "personal training" would prevent him from looking at a person who didn't not meet his standards.
But guess what? Her body is just that - hers. We know on this side that she's focusing on her health and losing weight. But even if we didn't know that, it's not our job to tell her she should. It's not your job to tell anyone anything about their bodies unless they ask you for your opinion or help.0 -
I vote for the idea that his heart was in the right place. Maybe he saw OP picking a healthy lunch, maybe he's noticed that she's lost a little weight, and he wants to help.
Heck, maybe he likes her and that was his awkward but sweet way of asking her for a date?
I'd have taken him up on it. Why let your own insecurities stand in the way of a potential gift that came to you unexpectedly?0 -
One's heart being in the right place is not an excuse for this kind of behavior.I vote for the idea that his heart was in the right place. Maybe he saw OP picking a healthy lunch, maybe he's noticed that she's lost a little weight, and he wants to help.
Heck, maybe he likes her and that was his awkward but sweet way of asking her for a date?
I'd have taken him up on it. Why let your own insecurities stand in the way of a potential gift that came to you unexpectedly?
No. Just no.0 -
I vote for the idea that his heart was in the right place. Maybe he saw OP picking a healthy lunch, maybe he's noticed that she's lost a little weight, and he wants to help.
Heck, maybe he likes her and that was his awkward but sweet way of asking her for a date?
I'd have taken him up on it. Why let your own insecurities stand in the way of a potential gift that came to you unexpectedly?
His heart may have been in the right place, but to approach her, especially in front of her colleagues, and basically say "I think you're fat. Let me help you not be fat." but in a more tactful manner is still humiliating and rude. She did not ask for his advice or his help, which makes it unsolicited. Regardless of the help he was offering, it's still humiliating when someone decides that you're helpless in your plight and just HAS to tell you so.
"I think your hair looks like *kitten*. Let me fix it for you."
"I think you dress really stupid. Let me take you shopping."
"Wow you have a huge nose! I know a plastic surgeon. Here's his number."
It's all the same.0 -
Dear Prudence, I am a mid 30's, quite attractive woman who owns a multi-million dollar company. I also am disabled, walking with one or two canes. I have become accustomed to the stares I receive but in light of the ALS bucket challenge, I am now being approached by people telling me regularly how brave I am and what an inspiration I am. ALS isn't even my affliction! The last time this happened, I was in a rather important business meeting at a local restaurant. How can I respond to these well-meaning but completely inappropriate dolts?
To the "his heart was in the right place" crowd -- what about the above?0 -
Oooof, I woulda bopped this guy over the head with my sub "Three Stooges"-style! J/k.... it sounds like he might have some social/behavioral issues.
I'm not sure if people have touched on this already, but I think a major component of the rudeness discussed is this stranger's assumption of the OP's ignorance. He offers unsolicited advice about her body AS IF SHE WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT TO JOIN A GYM, or work out or whatever.
I've gotten this all my life due to skin problems my acne & psoriasis. Strangers have honestly told me that I just need to "wash my face." Yeah, I'm spending 100's of dollars on medication, trying every thing from diet to acupressure to herbs but it never occurred to me to BATHE. I think that's what's going on. The OP knows her weight, she's taking measures to get healthy, and then some goober talks to her as if she's never thought of exercising to lower her weight---as if it's not something she's already doing!
Anyhow, keep up the good work OP! It doesn't sound like the guy was trying to be cruel, but boy that shizz gets annoying after awhile. Always good to vent about it!
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what did he say that was rude?
This. He didn't do anything wrong. He was honestly trying to help. If you don't want help., that's fine, but he didn't say anything offensive. You chose to take offence. It's not like he came and told you to "put the sandwich down", now THAT would have been rude.
If you don't want help???? then what? You should walk away from the lunch you're eating?
If you don't want help - then what- don't ask for it- (oh wait- that's right- she wasn't asking for help)
if you don't want help- don't go out in public where people can see you and MIGHT be so rude as to walk up and offer to help?
She wasn't struggle with her groceries- she wasn't stuck in a grate on the side walk- she didn't drop her book bag- she didn't trip and fall- she didn't drop her salad.
She was eating her lunch. There is no "fixing" there is no need to "help" someone eat their lunch.
No- he didn't SAY anything offensive- his actions and total arrogance in presuming he could take it upon himself to walk up to someone who was minding her own business to "fix" her.
You do realize- if you extrapolate this whole concept out to sex- the it's very easy to justify rape right?
No- sex isn't bad- IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT IT"S GREAT. Under the "assume they need help crowd" it's traumatizing rape.
I cannot under any circumstances fathom how any of you can think it's acceptable to walk up to a total stranger and tell them you cna help FIX THEM.
The words aren't the problem- his presumptuous and arrogant actions are.0 -
Dear Prudence, I am a mid 30's, quite attractive woman who owns a multi-million dollar company. I also am disabled, walking with one or two canes. I have become accustomed to the stares I receive but in light of the ALS bucket challenge, I am now being approached by people telling me regularly how brave I am and what an inspiration I am. ALS isn't even my affliction! The last time this happened, I was in a rather important business meeting at a local restaurant. How can I respond to these well-meaning but completely inappropriate dolts?
To the "his heart was in the right place" crowd -- what about the above?
Don't have "important business meetings" in restaurants?0
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