Rudeness of a total stranger!
Replies
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I bet he was going to try to sell you something. Let's pretend you would've said, sure I'd love for you to teach me about working out!, he probably would've then said, well you'll need to buy this shakology or herbalife in order for this to work, or whatever lame sales pitch.
Either way though, he really shouldn't have came up to a stranger and said that. I would've been offended also.0 -
I would be mortified as well. Personal trainers can be really pushy (it's kinda their job) A lot of them rely only on word of mouth to get business and maybe he thought roaming around a food court accosting people was the way to get business? If you were at the gym and looked lost while trying to figure out a weight machine or a cardio machine I would understand his eagerness to step up and offer help. There is a time and a place for such advances. In a food court while you're with a bunch of other people is inappropriate and bad timing. Especially when you got singled out. It's enough to already feel uncomfortable at the weight you are, let alone for someone to tell you it's a "problem."
Sometimes when people are trying to be helpful they are instead hindering. 0 -
I agree that it's rude and annoying to approach somebody and talk about something YOU think is really important with no care for whether the other person is interested or not.
Think about how annoying that is the next time you ask a random stranger if they have time to talk about jesus....You're just trying to save them right? You feel a strong conviction riight?
Wasn't he doing the same thing?0 -
At my heaviest I was at least 465 pounds. I would complain about my weight to my friends and the typical response was, "you're not really fat. You're just big." After a while of hearing that, you start to wonder if maybe you are just too critical of yourself and that it's not as big a problem as you think. The reality is that my "polite" friends were not doing me any favors and were doing me a disservice. One day, a friend did offer unsolicited criticism along with help. It infuriated me. It was offensive. It was humiliating. It was hurtful. It was transformative! At the time, I hadn't been on a date in over 13 years. Since then, I've had several girlfriends and met my fiancée. I've also sat comfortably on an airplane, walked up multiple flights of stairs without gasping for air, hiked the Grand Canyon twice, ran a few half marathons, been able to fit in the driver's seat of a compact car, lowered my cholesterol, blood pressure, pulse rate.
In the years when the pounds went on, the only persons who said anything were doctors and the advise was always pretty lousy: "just cut your Calories by about 250 a day and you'll be fine." or "Let me refer you to a weight loss surgeon." Not once did they ever look at my chart to realize that over the last 6 months, I gained 50 pounds and that a 250 Calorie reduction may not even get me to my equilibrium Calories. Not once was I referred to a nutritionist or dietician.
At the end of the day, is it more polite to sit by quietly as someone's behavior takes years off his/her life or is it more polite to offer assistance?
First, let me congratulate you on your success - really awesome!!
I've never been in the dark about my obesity - I have had issues with weight as long as I can remember. I have never for a second thought I was being too critical of myself - gosh, quite the opposite!!!
I welcome friends who care and family to offer advice as long as they offer the support too - this guy is nobody to me, he doesn't care about me - he saw a person who looked 'bad' and rudely offered to 'fix' me. As stated, I'm in the process of 'fixing' myself, for myself.
One thing in your post that makes me sad is that your weight held you back from enjoying the fullness of life. I've never let that happen. I'm a happily married (almost 20 years) woman who feels adored by her hubby and I have 3 awesome kids and I am in the career I always dreamed of - really - my weight has never and will never hold me back from the joy of life.
I'm making choices now to manage my weight before I hit 40 purely because I want to be healthy and I'm truly enjoying the process (although I'm 5 weeks in - the enjoyment will turn to hard work and discipline shortly!!).
My point is - I didn't need the humiliation and 'help' from this guy and if I were not the confident, well-adjusted person that I am - he could have really set me back! How many others are being made to feel 'crappy' about themselves because of the 'help' from strangers?!?0 -
I agree that it's rude and annoying to approach somebody and talk about something YOU think is really important with no care for whether the other person is interested or not.
Think about how annoying that is the next time you ask a random stranger if they have time to talk about jesus....You're just trying to save them right? You feel a strong conviction riight?
Wasn't he doing the same thing?
Did OP say she does this?
I must of missed that bit.0 -
He may have meant well but he certainly could have approached it in a different way! Maybe waited until you got up and came to you personally instead of announcing it to the entire table, though I would never have the balls to approach a complete stranger in public about their weight. Slipped you a piece of paper with his phone number and what he wanted to say, politely on it. I know I would be embarrassed if someone approached me about my weight and made a comment like that!
No, there was no need for him to "approach it in a different way"
he didnt need to approach it at all - what he needed to do was keep his thoughts to himself and mind his own business.0 -
seriouslyI think the way you all are turning this man into a monster is sad. We as people should want to help people. Sounds like he was being kind and thoughtful.
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it's not JUST the unwanted advice- it's a complete unwanted invasion of her space
We as people should know when to mind our own business and keep our unsolicited opinions and 'help' to ourselves.
Unwanted 'help' is not kind and thoughtful at all - it is interfering and sanctimonious.0 -
What the heck. She never said she does that.I agree that it's rude and annoying to approach somebody and talk about something YOU think is really important with no care for whether the other person is interested or not.
Think about how annoying that is the next time you ask a random stranger if they have time to talk about jesus....You're just trying to save them right? You feel a strong conviction riight?
Wasn't he doing the same thing?0 -
If the guy really wanted to help, he should have pulled OP aside and said something like "Hey, I go to this gym at [insert gym address here], and I'm really kinda good at what I do, and if you'd like I'd love to meet you there and give you some pointers if you're interested. All free!"
It's not the offer, it's how he approached it. He was trying to humiliate OP while simultaneously saying "look at how awesome I am" and that's what's rude. He probably knew she wouldn't take him up on it and maybe he thought public shaming would 'help'.
OP, congrats on your weightloss!
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It's not the offer, it's how he approached it.
No. It is both the offer and the approach. Pulling her aside would be just as bad. He -- A COMPLETE STRANGER AT THE MALL -- singled her out of a group to let her know he noticed how fat she is. Whether he said it in front of people or away from them, it wasn't OK.0 -
while reading your OP, I could FEEL your embarrassment and humiliation. I am SO SORRY you felt that way, and wish he wouldn't have approached you, especially in front of other people. keep up the good work
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I think that your post says a lot in the wording. He was a "complete stranger" that had no knowledge of your life and what you have accomplished through your efforts to lose weight thus far. Was he clueless and inconsiderate to call you out in front of others, yes? But in the grand scheme of things just know that his opinion or actions only affected you as much as you let them and if you hold on to what he did, it only affects you in the long run. I had something similar happen when I began running and a teenager on the school bus yelled "whoosh" at me out the window. It got to me for a good couple of days, but then I had to remind myself that he knows nothing about me, knows nothing about my effort and progress, probably was not taught the appropriate way to act in public, and was a complete stranger that I would never see again. Anyway, brush it off and let it go and then give yourself a pat on the back for losing weight and working hard so far...his actions are not worth your worry.0
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What is it about heavy people that other people feel compelled to comment on? I can't fathom ever going up to someone and commenting on ANYTHING about them, be it their weight, hairstyle, clothing choice or whatever! Jeez...
The thing I find the most ridiculous about all of this is that this random person had absolutely no idea about where you are in your weight loss journey. You could have already lost 100lbs from working out and eating better and are well on your way to living a healthier life, but maybe you still have a lot of weight left to lose. That's what I've been pointing out to some of my more critical family members whenever I hear them saying something about someone that we see who is substantially overweight. You NEVER know where someone is on their journey and you have NO right to comment. Think whatever you like, God knows I don't always have the kindest thoughts towards humans but I try to respect everyone's personal journey.
I think that instead of just sitting there with that awful feeling, you could have just smiled very sweetly at him and said "Thank you for your attempt to "help" me, but I find your presumptuousness quite rude. Hopefully next time you will make a better decision about approaching strangers with unsolicited help. You can go now."
Harsh? Maybe. Deserved? You didn't deserve his comment, however well-intentioned, so I say it's fair game.
While this guy might have had every good intention in the world, he grossly overstepped his boundaries.
Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself.0 -
What is it about heavy people that other people feel compelled to comment on? I can't fathom ever going up to someone and commenting on ANYTHING about them, be it their weight, hairstyle, clothing choice or whatever! Jeez...
The thing I find the most ridiculous about all of this is that this random person had absolutely no idea about where you are in your weight loss journey. You could have already lost 100lbs from working out and eating better and are well on your way to living a healthier life, but maybe you still have a lot of weight left to lose. That's what I've been pointing out to some of my more critical family members whenever I hear them saying something about someone that we see who is substantially overweight. You NEVER know where someone is on their journey and you have NO right to comment. Think whatever you like, God knows I don't always have the kindest thoughts towards humans but I try to respect everyone's personal journey.
I think that instead of just sitting there with that awful feeling, you could have just smiled very sweetly at him and said "Thank you for your attempt to "help" me, but I find your presumptuousness quite rude. Hopefully next time you will make a better decision about approaching strangers with unsolicited help. You can go now."
Harsh? Maybe. Deserved? You didn't deserve his comment, however well-intentioned, so I say it's fair game.
While this guy might have had every good intention in the world, he grossly overstepped his boundaries.
Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself.
This is exactly the point I was trying to make when I was asking the supporters what they would if it was another personal care issue, such as acne. No one had a good answer.
I also find it strange that, because it's obesity, people think it's ok to comment.0 -
Maybe he found her attractive and her problem was that they weren't dating so he was using the "you should let me take you to the gym" as a little segue into that play.
I thought of that too. It's quite possible. OP's photo is beautiful. He dropped the ball though, doing it in front of other people like he did.
That was my thought as well. If only he knew how far off the mark he was!!
OP, you are beautiful! It would not surprise me at all if he was hitting on you, though in a verly inconsiderate way.0 -
We as people should know when to mind our own business and keep our unsolicited opinions and 'help' to ourselves.
Unwanted 'help' is not kind and thoughtful at all - it is interfering and sanctimonious.
you would think at some point as a child or adult we would learn this. apparently it's asking to much.0 -
I would never comment on someone else's appearance, but people seem to feel like weight is a free pass to comment on. I think that can be rude, but not in all circumstances (I'd be more receptive to a long time friend offering to go to the gym with me than some guy in a food court telling me I don't have to live this way, he'll help me change, etc). It was presumptuous of him to approach you at all (how does he know you're not already losing weight? he doesn't, because he doesn't actually know you) and rude to approach you in front of your colleagues.
His heart may have been in the right place, but the approach was sanctimonious, presumptuous, and a little rude for sure. He could have at least asked to join your lunch (which would have been awkward, though) or invited you out later or given you his number with a short note ("Hey, I don't want to be rude and interrupt your lunch or discuss in front of your colleagues, but I felt compelled to talk to you about a healthier lifestyle. I see you made a great choice at lunch today - way to go! I know someone who lost a bunch of weight/I helped someone lose a bunch of weight/I lost a bunch of weight myself, and I wanted to let you know there is support out there, so if you ever want to talk or workout with me sometime, my number is 867-5309.").
I don't know. Obviously it's easy to analyze the situation after it's already happened and debate whether it was truly rudeness and whatnot, so I'll just leave it at this: I'm sorry this fellow made you feel uncomfortable, but now you have extra motivation to get to your goal! At your goal, presumptuous gym-goers won't feel compelled to "save" you in food courts in front of your colleagues! You can eat Subway in peace! 0 -
His heart may have been in the right place, but the approach was sanctimonious, presumptuous, and a little rude for sure. He could have at least asked to join your lunch (which would have been awkward, though) or invited you out later or given you his number with a short note ("Hey, I don't want to be rude and interrupt your lunch or discuss in front of your colleagues, but I felt compelled to talk to you about a healthier lifestyle. I see you made a great choice at lunch today - way to go! I know someone who lost a bunch of weight/I helped someone lose a bunch of weight/I lost a bunch of weight myself, and I wanted to let you know there is support out there, so if you ever want to talk or workout with me sometime, my number is 867-5309."
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Do not ever, ever do any of those things to a complete stranger. Just don't.0 -
His heart may have been in the right place, but the approach was sanctimonious, presumptuous, and a little rude for sure. He could have at least asked to join your lunch (which would have been awkward, though) or invited you out later or given you his number with a short note ("Hey, I don't want to be rude and interrupt your lunch or discuss in front of your colleagues, but I felt compelled to talk to you about a healthier lifestyle. I see you made a great choice at lunch today - way to go! I know someone who lost a bunch of weight/I helped someone lose a bunch of weight/I lost a bunch of weight myself, and I wanted to let you know there is support out there, so if you ever want to talk or workout with me sometime, my number is 867-5309."
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Do not ever, ever do any of those things to a complete stranger. Just don't.
I can't believe anyone would think that this was in any way appropriate. I second this comment! Don't do this with a complete stranger. It is not your place to judge another person's lifestyle, even if you don't agree with it. It is none of your business.0 -
seriouslyI think the way you all are turning this man into a monster is sad. We as people should want to help people. Sounds like he was being kind and thoughtful.[/URL]
it's not JUST the unwanted advice- it's a complete unwanted invasion of her space
We as people should know when to mind our own business and keep our unsolicited opinions and 'help' to ourselves.
Unwanted 'help' is not kind and thoughtful at all - it is interfering and sanctimonious.
This! All of it. He invaded her space to lay down a heaping pile of sanctimonious crap on her. He didn't do it to help her. He did it to feel better about himself. "Look how great and charitable I am. I helped that fat girl see the light. Aren't I awesome?"0 -
I'm sorry this happened to you.
You've lost 8Kg!! That is wonderful. You're doing all the right things. Keep doing what you are doing. In time, you'll reach your goal.
Stay encouraged and focussed. Don't let one stranger veer you off-track. Hang in there.0 -
what did he say that was rude?
wow0 -
Wow... that dude has zero EQ0
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I would been pissed and tell him off .Its none of his business0
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I'm sure that his intention wasn't to make you look like a fool in front of your co-workers but i understand why you feel the way you do. Either way he is a stranger you will never see him again so his opinion doesn't matter. You are working hard to be the best you can be, don't let the stranger get to you.:flowerforyou:0
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You can continue to get healthier with hard work & determination, but I'm guessing there is very little chance that hard work will improve his propensity to be a tool.
This is exactly what I was thinking! Maybe you should go back and offer to help him with his problem of being a completely socially inept tool.0 -
I just read your post and I am mortified for you. I understand the struggle and some people can really hurt. I have gone through the same thing. About a year ago I was working as a dental receptionist and a new person came into the office to book an appointment. When she was there she asked me when my baby was due, but I wasn't pregnant. That was horrifying enough, but I took it in strides and politely said "Oh no I'm not pregnant" and just continued with my work, but then in front of the whole office including my co-workers and a waiting room full of patients (some that I see on a daily basis) she continued to say "Oh my god honey, you should think about your health. Being that big isn't good for your heart. You should get some help. You'll get diabetes or die" To say that I was mortified was an understatement. I don't think I have ever been more embarrassed in my entire life. It took all my strength to stay professional, continue with my day and not look upset, but my heart was pounding and I could tell my face was getting red. Little did they know, that I too was working hard to eat right and work out. At 25, hearing that from a complete stranger can be discouraging. When she left there was an older gentleman in the room that came up to me and told me not to pay attention to her comments than that he thought I was a lovely lady, which did help, but sometimes I wish that someone would have been like your co-worker and pointed out her inappropriateness.
I understand that being bigger is something that is always on your mind, it was for me anyway, but when someone points out the same things you think about it is devastating. While this is one of my low points, it just pushed me to prove to myself that I could do it and complete my goals.
I just wanted to say that this can happen to a lot of people, and I am proud that you are working so hard for yourself and no one else. If you or anyone ever needs any words of encouragement I am always here (and a few my way wouldn't hurt )
Keep it up, your awesome!0 -
I know people like that, they wind me up and they're not even strangers!
If you happen to see him again, just approach him and say:
"Hey, I'm a plastic surgeon and I want to help you, your face looks like a baboon's bottom!!!
Nice!! that would have been perfect (and helpful!!)0
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