Comment from my mother...what do YOU think!?

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Replies

  • If you ask me, it's not as much a question of whether or not it was kind to give your friend's mother the $100, (of course that was a lovely and kind thing to do) but whether or not you have the right to when you are living off of your mother. Where I live the least you can rent a room for (assuming you don't want to live with drug dealers) is about $500, which doesn't typically cover utilities either. That also doesn't cover food, gas or insurance (health or auto).

    If your mother kicked you out and rented out your room, she would probably be able to get at least $400 a month for it (assuming you don't live someplace horrible). She also wouldn't be paying for her tenant's utilities, food or insurance. This means that effectively your mother is probably sinking at least $700 a month into your upkeep and has been ever since you turned eighteen and became legally responsible for your own health and housing.

    It's sweet that you contribute whenever you can, but try explaining to a real landlord out in the real world that you'll "contribute whenever you can" and see how fast you get evicted.

    The fact of the matter is, in the cold hard adult world, you owe your mother rent, stretching all of the way back to when you turned eighteen, in the amount of however much she could have rented out your room for. You also owe her for auto insurance, which in a way means that your car isn't really yours, since you can't drive without auto insurance, and if most of your $400 a month is going to gas then it doesn't sound like you would be able to pay your own auto insurance. You also owe for food (unless you ALWAYS pay for your own food- real landlords NEVER pay for their tenant's food), utilities, and health insurance, if she's also paying for that.

    NOW, before people jump all over me, I agree that you and your mother have an excellent setup. She is indeed investing in you, and I believe you have made a wise decision in remaining home to further your own education and better yourself.

    HOWEVER, you have chosen to remain at home, living essentially like a child. This means that your mother has a great deal of say so in what you do and especially what you do with "your" money. I also saw that a previous poster pointed out that effectively the money isn't really yours, it is your mom's money that she is letting you keep. That is true. No one else would feed you, house you and pay your insurance in exchange for you "contributing whenever you can." Every cent you earn, twice over (frankly $800 a month is quite cheap for housing, utilities, food, health and car insurance) should be going to your mom. It is not by mutual agreement, and if that setup is working for both you, then more power to you. But it is absolutely your mother's right to make whatever comments she wants about your spending/donating habits. If it weren't for her you probably wouldn't be going to school right now; you'd be living in a rat-trap apartment pinching every penny and probably considering letting your health insurance lapse.

    The fact that your mother CHOSE to let you live at home is very nice. It is her right to do so and I think it was a very reasonable thing to do. However, it also gives her the right to CHOOSE to say anything she pleases to you. You are far too deeply indebted to her to have any right to act superior on this issue. Effectively that $100 is hers, part of the money that she has chosen to invest in you. If it weren't for her every penny of that $100 would be going toward your rent. But you gave $100 that she invested in you away to someone else without even asking her.

    Anyway, that's my $0.02. I want to say one more time that it was very kind what you did, and you sound like a very sweet person whose heart is in the right place.
  • Maybe Mama deserves some rent as you are an adult now. Maybe you eat her food, use her home and drive her car and yet you give to a friends mother???
    You are not a kid anymore :)

    I think maybe it was your mom's passive aggressive way of wanting you to offer to pay rent or something? Maybe you could sit down and work out something with her?

    It was very nice of you to give this lady money, but just don't let her use you from now on. Did she just suddenly fall on bad times or does she normally struggle with money?

    Also, just don't tell your mom anything like this if its going to bother her.

    Earlier today, I asked her if there were any particular bills or anything she wants me to help pay. She told me not to worry about it, which she always tells me and then gets angry because I don't help her out. I offer to help her and she turns it down and then does that. I really don't know what to do to make her happy.

  • If you ask me, it's not as much a question of whether or not it was kind to give your friend's mother the $100, (of course that was a lovely and kind thing to do) but whether or not you have the right to when you are living off of your mother. Where I live the least you can rent a room for (assuming you don't want to live with drug dealers) is about $500, which doesn't typically cover utilities either. That also doesn't cover food, gas or insurance (health or auto).

    If your mother kicked you out and rented out your room, she would probably be able to get at least $400 a month for it (assuming you don't live someplace horrible). She also wouldn't be paying for her tenant's utilities, food or insurance. This means that effectively your mother is probably sinking at least $700 a month into your upkeep and has been ever since you turned eighteen and became legally responsible for your own health and housing.

    It's sweet that you contribute whenever you can, but try explaining to a real landlord out in the real world that you'll "contribute whenever you can" and see how fast you get evicted.

    The fact of the matter is, in the cold hard adult world, you owe your mother rent, stretching all of the way back to when you turned eighteen, in the amount of however much she could have rented out your room for. You also owe her for auto insurance, which in a way means that your car isn't really yours, since you can't drive without auto insurance, and if most of your $400 a month is going to gas then it doesn't sound like you would be able to pay your own auto insurance. You also owe for food (unless you ALWAYS pay for your own food- real landlords NEVER pay for their tenant's food), utilities, and health insurance, if she's also paying for that.

    NOW, before people jump all over me, I agree that you and your mother have an excellent setup. She is indeed investing in you, and I believe you have made a wise decision in remaining home to further your own education and better yourself.

    HOWEVER, you have chosen to remain at home, living essentially like a child. This means that your mother has a great deal of say so in what you do and especially what you do with "your" money. I also saw that a previous poster pointed out that effectively the money isn't really yours, it is your mom's money that she is letting you keep. That is true. No one else would feed you, house you and pay your insurance in exchange for you "contributing whenever you can." Every cent you earn, twice over (frankly $800 a month is quite cheap for housing, utilities, food, health and car insurance) should be going to your mom. It is not by mutual agreement, and if that setup is working for both you, then more power to you. But it is absolutely your mother's right to make whatever comments she wants about your spending/donating habits. If it weren't for her you probably wouldn't be going to school right now; you'd be living in a rat-trap apartment pinching every penny and probably considering letting your health insurance lapse.

    The fact that your mother CHOSE to let you live at home is very nice. It is her right to do so and I think it was a very reasonable thing to do. However, it also gives her the right to CHOOSE to say anything she pleases to you. You are far too deeply indebted to her to have any right to act superior on this issue. Effectively that $100 is hers, part of the money that she has chosen to invest in you. If it weren't for her every penny of that $100 would be going toward your rent. But you gave $100 that she invested in you away to someone else without even asking her.

    Anyway, that's my $0.02. I want to say one more time that it was very kind what you did, and you sound like a very sweet person whose heart is in the right place.


    Thank you for your response. I understand what you're saying. But when I tell her I want to give her money for car insurance or anything else, she turns it down.
  • themedalist
    themedalist Posts: 3,209 Member
    I think it was a very compassionate and thoughtful gesture. I'm glad you are going into nursing. :)
  • AmigaMaria001
    AmigaMaria001 Posts: 489 Member
    Being charitable and kind is NEVER a mistake. I think you just paid an insurance payment into your karma account! This kindness will come back to you one day.
  • I think it was a very compassionate and thoughtful gesture. I'm glad you are going into nursing. :)

    That's sweet. Thank you. :smile:
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    I think you should have point blank said "I didn't realize we were struggling to eat or pay for gas, I will contribute more to those bills in the future" and walked away.

    I grew up with a mother that would literally flip out if her children were in any way selfless - she grew up with very few things and hoards now to compensate. If we let somebody borrow a pencil or shirt and they didn't give it back, it was the end of the world. If we wanted to donate to charity, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE STRUGGLE NOBODY GIVES TO US (we didn't struggle, we were solid middle class and she didn't work). She never took anything from us, but in her mind, everything we had (even after we got jobs and were paying for our own things) was hers. And if you gave anything away you were giving her away and disrespecting her.

    I moved out at 18 because, while she loves me and my siblings, she isn't at all stable and has a victim attitude.

    Obviously, I don't think this is your mom, though. I would wager to guess your mom is either struggling financially and hiding it from you or realizes that you're about grown and dealing with your independence.
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
    So who is paying for your nursing?

    ACanadian: Jeez. You need to get off her back.

    OP, what you did was a selfless and compassionate thing. I would've done the same myself if it were me.

    I personally have a friend whose family is low income and her father (who passed away a few months ago) had renal failure for over 10 years. He was on dialysis and in and out of the hospital multiple times a month, which as you know, adds up very quickly. My friend was working three jobs at one time (as well as going to school full time) in order to support her mom, siblings, and to make sure there was food on the table and the mortgage was paid. I gave her money to help out occasionally, as I hate to see people suffer especially a dear friend.

    Like others have said, this was YOUR money. You are entitled to spend your money however you wish. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Glad you are going into nursing. There needs to be more people in the world with a big heart like you. <3


  • DawnieB1977
    DawnieB1977 Posts: 4,248 Member
    I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.

    Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.

    I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.

    My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.
  • I think you should have point blank said "I didn't realize we were struggling to eat or pay for gas, I will contribute more to those bills in the future" and walked away.

    I grew up with a mother that would literally flip out if her children were in any way selfless - she grew up with very few things and hoards now to compensate. If we let somebody borrow a pencil or shirt and they didn't give it back, it was the end of the world. If we wanted to donate to charity, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE STRUGGLE NOBODY GIVES TO US (we didn't struggle, we were solid middle class and she didn't work). She never took anything from us, but in her mind, everything we had (even after we got jobs and were paying for our own things) was hers. And if you gave anything away you were giving her away and disrespecting her.

    I moved out at 18 because, while she loves me and my siblings, she isn't at all stable and has a victim attitude.

    Obviously, I don't think this is your mom, though. I would wager to guess your mom is either struggling financially and hiding it from you or realizes that you're about grown and dealing with your independence.

    My parents are still married and my dad has a stable job and makes great money. My mother is disabled and gets social security. If there are money issues, I'm not aware of them. I think it's the latter of what you said. She didn't start doing this until I turned 19. My 20th birthday is next Saturday. I love her to death and I offer to help her in whatever way I can, even if it doesn't involve money. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong or how to help her.
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
    randomtai wrote: »
    I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.

    19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.

    19 is BARELY an adult. This girl is just out of high school. She goes to school full-time and works a part-time job. It'd be one thing if she was a bum and sat on her *kitten* on the couch all day eating potato chips- then I'd say make her pay rent. But she is out bettering herself through an education, all while earning some money on the side. Give me a break and get off your high horse.
  • So who is paying for your nursing?

    ACanadian: Jeez. You need to get off her back.

    OP, what you did was a selfless and compassionate thing. I would've done the same myself if it were me.

    I personally have a friend whose family is low income and her father (who passed away a few months ago) had renal failure for over 10 years. He was on dialysis and in and out of the hospital multiple times a month, which as you know, adds up very quickly. My friend was working three jobs at one time (as well as going to school full time) in order to support her mom, siblings, and to make sure there was food on the table and the mortgage was paid. I gave her money to help out occasionally, as I hate to see people suffer especially a dear friend.

    Like others have said, this was YOUR money. You are entitled to spend your money however you wish. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Glad you are going into nursing. There needs to be more people in the world with a big heart like you. <3


    That's terrible. I hate to see other people suffer as well. I helped her because I know she needs it and I'm not going to let someone else go hungry if I can do anything about it. That's just the type of person I am. I feel so lucky to have the things that I have and I am eternally grateful to my parents for raising me to be the person I am. Thank you! <3
  • I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.

    Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.

    I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.

    My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.

    She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.
  • crazyspike
    crazyspike Posts: 3 Member
    Sit your mom down and ask her what is bothering her. Let her know that you are an adult now and she doesn't need to hide things from you, that you can listen, and help if you if you can. 19 is an adult but sometimes us parents still see you as 'our kids" so we need a little push to remind us. Not saying that is what your mom is doing but it seems she is feeling a lot of frustration right now about something. So the best thing now is just to turn off your phone, sit down with her, and listen.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    delaney056 wrote: »
    I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.

    Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.

    I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.

    My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.

    She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.


    Who's income is being used to determine that you are low income, you only or your parents' as well?

    If it's their income -- I would bet they struggle to pay bills more than you are realizing.
  • mswoodsy
    mswoodsy Posts: 91 Member
    This is my opinion...
    I've lived on my own successfully since 15 years old. I know what its like to pay bills, support a child, and be mooched off of by friends. My almost 30 year old brother still lives rent free at my parents. That being said...

    You did the right thing. You'll have to make a lot of decisions like this in life, you will NEVER be able to please everyone. This woman needed immediate help and you stepped in. The only thing I can say is, you took extraordinary measures to help and show this woman that you care. If you're not already, do the same, even more so, for your mom. Express your gratitude and appreciation for everything your mom does for you. Help her cook the meals. Clean the house for her. If its true, tell you you love her and couldn't do it without her. And OFFER to help financially, don't make her ask. Sometimes you may have to insist. If you're already doing all this than you're everything a mommy should hope for.
  • delaney056 wrote: »
    I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.

    Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.

    I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.

    My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.

    She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.


    Who's income is being used to determine that you are low income, you only or your parents' as well?

    If it's their income -- I would bet they struggle to pay bills more than you are realizing.


    Both are being factored in. My mom receives social security, which is income but doesn't count as income on their eyes.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    delaney056 wrote: »
    delaney056 wrote: »
    I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.

    Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.

    I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.

    My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.

    She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.


    Who's income is being used to determine that you are low income, you only or your parents' as well?

    If it's their income -- I would bet they struggle to pay bills more than you are realizing.


    Both are being factored in. My mom receives social security, which is income but doesn't count as income on their eyes.

    Still, even without it being factored in, to qualify for low income grants, you have to be at or below the poverty line for your family size. I understand that her social security isn't factored in, so you may not live in actual poverty however, you are probably closer than you realize because your parents protect you from that reality.

    I don't think you did a bad thing and I do think your mom needs to be communicative with you about what they need you to do, however, this is situation is probably happening because they are doing all they can to support you and make this period of your life as simple as possible (not charging rent, helping you with insurance etc) and they view you giving money away as not fully recognizing their scarifies.
  • yc4king
    yc4king Posts: 117 Member
    Jesus christ, all people can usually talk about is how selfish and entitled kids are these days. Here we have a sweet 19 year old who is hard working, has her life on track, and to top it off is also GENEROUS AND CARING.

    I am dismayed, and extremely disappointed with every single person suggesting she did anything wrong, including her mother. What a horrible example to set for our children. Lets all just go around looking for MORE reasons to be selfish, self absorbed, and only look out for ourselves....


    OP you did a great thing, it shows great maturity and generosity and I think you will make a great nurse, an excellent mother, and a great friend to anyone fortunate enough to have your friendship.

    I do agree that it would be a good idea to sit down and have a rational conversation with your mom, chances are she was upset about something else, maybe she was just having a bad day.
  • I highly doubt your mom would have a problem with you donating to an established charity or finding other ways to help people. You mentioned that she raised you to help people who need it and that's awesome.

    Given the circumstances though, it might feel like a personal slight. It's probably the fact that you gave $ to your friend's mom that no doubt has her doing mental inventory of the HEAPS of $$$ and effort that was and continues to be put into raising/providing for you.

    I'm sure your mom often put her own wants/needs on hold to provide for you and this would have her wondering just WTH your friend's mom ever contributed to have your act of kindness directed towards her rather than toward the hand that still feeds you.

    Not saying it wasn't cool of you to help your friend's mom, but your own mom's reaction is understandable. You should talk to her. At least thank her for allowing you to be in a position to help others. There's no way you could have helped your friend's mom if your weren't still under your own mom's roof. A thank you could go a long way.