Comment from my mother...what do YOU think!?
Replies
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forkofpower wrote: »I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.
19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.
19 is BARELY an adult. This girl is just out of high school. She goes to school full-time and works a part-time job. It'd be one thing if she was a bum and sat on her *kitten* on the couch all day eating potato chips- then I'd say make her pay rent. But she is out bettering herself through an education, all while earning some money on the side. Give me a break and get off your high horse.-1 -
FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »ACanadian22 wrote: »So who is paying for your nursing?
ACanadian: Jeez. You need to get off her back.
OP, what you did was a selfless and compassionate thing. I would've done the same myself if it were me.
I personally have a friend whose family is low income and her father (who passed away a few months ago) had renal failure for over 10 years. He was on dialysis and in and out of the hospital multiple times a month, which as you know, adds up very quickly. My friend was working three jobs at one time (as well as going to school full time) in order to support her mom, siblings, and to make sure there was food on the table and the mortgage was paid. I gave her money to help out occasionally, as I hate to see people suffer especially a dear friend.
Like others have said, this was YOUR money. You are entitled to spend your money however you wish. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Glad you are going into nursing. There needs to be more people in the world with a big heart like you.
That's terrible. I hate to see other people suffer as well. I helped her because I know she needs it and I'm not going to let someone else go hungry if I can do anything about it. That's just the type of person I am. I feel so lucky to have the things that I have and I am eternally grateful to my parents for raising me to be the person I am. Thank you! 0 -
DawnieB1977 wrote: »I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.
Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.
I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.
My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.
She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.0 -
Sit your mom down and ask her what is bothering her. Let her know that you are an adult now and she doesn't need to hide things from you, that you can listen, and help if you if you can. 19 is an adult but sometimes us parents still see you as 'our kids" so we need a little push to remind us. Not saying that is what your mom is doing but it seems she is feeling a lot of frustration right now about something. So the best thing now is just to turn off your phone, sit down with her, and listen.0
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delaney056 wrote: »DawnieB1977 wrote: »I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.
Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.
I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.
My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.
She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.
Who's income is being used to determine that you are low income, you only or your parents' as well?
If it's their income -- I would bet they struggle to pay bills more than you are realizing.
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This is my opinion...
I've lived on my own successfully since 15 years old. I know what its like to pay bills, support a child, and be mooched off of by friends. My almost 30 year old brother still lives rent free at my parents. That being said...
You did the right thing. You'll have to make a lot of decisions like this in life, you will NEVER be able to please everyone. This woman needed immediate help and you stepped in. The only thing I can say is, you took extraordinary measures to help and show this woman that you care. If you're not already, do the same, even more so, for your mom. Express your gratitude and appreciation for everything your mom does for you. Help her cook the meals. Clean the house for her. If its true, tell you you love her and couldn't do it without her. And OFFER to help financially, don't make her ask. Sometimes you may have to insist. If you're already doing all this than you're everything a mommy should hope for.
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itsfuntobenormal wrote: »delaney056 wrote: »DawnieB1977 wrote: »I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.
Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.
I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.
My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.
She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.
Who's income is being used to determine that you are low income, you only or your parents' as well?
If it's their income -- I would bet they struggle to pay bills more than you are realizing.
Both are being factored in. My mom receives social security, which is income but doesn't count as income on their eyes.
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delaney056 wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »delaney056 wrote: »DawnieB1977 wrote: »I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.
Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.
I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.
My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.
She is. That's what part of the money I gave her was for; gas so she could drive to turn in her applications. All of my college is being paid for through a scholarship based on GPA and a grant due to my low income. However, during the summer I don't get the income grant because I go full time during the fall and spring. So I save money during the rest of the year and use it to help pay for my summer classes. It's ridiculously expensive and I have to save because I don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs from loans. I also have to buy scrubs and many other things for the Nursing program, so a lot of my savings are for that as well.
Who's income is being used to determine that you are low income, you only or your parents' as well?
If it's their income -- I would bet they struggle to pay bills more than you are realizing.
Both are being factored in. My mom receives social security, which is income but doesn't count as income on their eyes.
Still, even without it being factored in, to qualify for low income grants, you have to be at or below the poverty line for your family size. I understand that her social security isn't factored in, so you may not live in actual poverty however, you are probably closer than you realize because your parents protect you from that reality.
I don't think you did a bad thing and I do think your mom needs to be communicative with you about what they need you to do, however, this is situation is probably happening because they are doing all they can to support you and make this period of your life as simple as possible (not charging rent, helping you with insurance etc) and they view you giving money away as not fully recognizing their scarifies.
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Jesus christ, all people can usually talk about is how selfish and entitled kids are these days. Here we have a sweet 19 year old who is hard working, has her life on track, and to top it off is also GENEROUS AND CARING.
I am dismayed, and extremely disappointed with every single person suggesting she did anything wrong, including her mother. What a horrible example to set for our children. Lets all just go around looking for MORE reasons to be selfish, self absorbed, and only look out for ourselves....
OP you did a great thing, it shows great maturity and generosity and I think you will make a great nurse, an excellent mother, and a great friend to anyone fortunate enough to have your friendship.
I do agree that it would be a good idea to sit down and have a rational conversation with your mom, chances are she was upset about something else, maybe she was just having a bad day.0 -
I highly doubt your mom would have a problem with you donating to an established charity or finding other ways to help people. You mentioned that she raised you to help people who need it and that's awesome.
Given the circumstances though, it might feel like a personal slight. It's probably the fact that you gave $ to your friend's mom that no doubt has her doing mental inventory of the HEAPS of $$$ and effort that was and continues to be put into raising/providing for you.
I'm sure your mom often put her own wants/needs on hold to provide for you and this would have her wondering just WTH your friend's mom ever contributed to have your act of kindness directed towards her rather than toward the hand that still feeds you.
Not saying it wasn't cool of you to help your friend's mom, but your own mom's reaction is understandable. You should talk to her. At least thank her for allowing you to be in a position to help others. There's no way you could have helped your friend's mom if your weren't still under your own mom's roof. A thank you could go a long way.0 -
Jesus christ, all people can usually talk about is how selfish and entitled kids are these days. Here we have a sweet 19 year old who is hard working, has her life on track, and to top it off is also GENEROUS AND CARING.
I am dismayed, and extremely disappointed with every single person suggesting she did anything wrong, including her mother. What a horrible example to set for our children. Lets all just go around looking for MORE reasons to be selfish, self absorbed, and only look out for ourselves....
OP you did a great thing, it shows great maturity and generosity and I think you will make a great nurse, an excellent mother, and a great friend to anyone fortunate enough to have your friendship.
I do agree that it would be a good idea to sit down and have a rational conversation with your mom, chances are she was upset about something else, maybe she was just having a bad day.
Thanks! I'll talk to her.0 -
RedRedWineSoFine wrote: »I highly doubt your mom would have a problem with you donating to an established charity or finding other ways to help people. You mentioned that she raised you to help people who need it and that's awesome.
Given the circumstances though, it might feel like a personal slight. It's probably the fact that you gave $ to your friend's mom that no doubt has her doing mental inventory of the HEAPS of $$$ and effort that was and continues to be put into raising/providing for you.
I'm sure your mom often put her own wants/needs on hold to provide for you and this would have her wondering just WTH your friend's mom ever contributed to have your act of kindness directed towards her rather than toward the hand that still feeds you.
Not saying it wasn't cool of you to help your friend's mom, but your own mom's reaction is understandable. You should talk to her. At least thank her for allowing you to be in a position to help others. There's no way you could have helped your friend's mom if your weren't still under your own mom's roof. A thank you could go a long way.
Thanks for your insight. That may very well be how she feels.0 -
forkofpower wrote: »I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.
19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.
She's in school getting and education!!! There is nothing wrong with that at all. We will support both of our daughters through university, because having an education is important.
OP, I would be proud to be your mother. You work, you go to school to create a future for yourself, and you are giving. Don't change, the world needs more of you.0 -
PrizePopple wrote: »forkofpower wrote: »I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.
19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.
She's in school getting and education!!! There is nothing wrong with that at all. We will support both of our daughters through university, because having an education is important.
OP, I would be proud to be your mother. You work, you go to school to create a future for yourself, and you are giving. Don't change, the world needs more of you.
awwww thanks!0 -
You did good. Moms sometimes make dumb comments. Not the end of the world.0
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This might have been already said but I take her comment as being a passive aggressive self-pity statement. Without directly saying it, she's saying that she sure does wish someone would help HER out and offer HER money.
I say this because this is something my mother would say, sort of that 'boo-hoo, no one ever does anything for me" thing.0 -
I just graduated from college in May, I am 35 and I have a 2 year old daughter. The job offers I got just couldn't support my expenses any more so I made the conscious decision to pack up my stuff and move back in with my parents for 6 months. Its hard and I truly understand how you feel. I do have to help my parents out, even though they have minimal bills because they are just that type of way. But I also get help with my daughter. In saying that, we sat down and hammered out the logistics before I moved back in. If there was no said conversation, its kind of out of line to come down on you about money and how you spend it. Especially if you arent known to be a frivolous spender. I would sit and have a chat with her when things cool off and see what really sparked this. Good luck.0
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I think that what you did is a generous gesture that you should feel good about. Helping others truly in need is never a bad thing. I'm glad you explained your reasons to your mother.
Perhaps your mother isn't telling you the whole story of how things are at your house. My parents tried to shield me from their hardships. I'd talk with her about it. Anyhow, I think your mother raised a caring, thoughtful, young woman. Maybe you should remind her of this, also.0 -
Maybe there is a conversation that needs to be had with your mom. While what you did what was selfless and genuine, your kindness can easily be taken advantage of. I would not let it become something you continue to do on a regular basis. If she needs more help than you have given her, maybe you can start looking into resources that can assist her during her time of need. There are churches, and hope houses and government assistance than can help with her basic needs. If she needs gas to turn in applications maybe you could just give her a ride to those places instead. Your mom may have responded the way she did because she sees or knows something you don't about this situation. And maybe there are things going on in your home you are not aware of that is stressing your mom out and that extra little bit of money may have been something that could have helped. While I doubt that you are going without like the woman you are helping. There is definitely some underlying reason your mom who has taught you to treat others so kindly is reacting this way to your efforts.
Don't feel bad about the good you have done. That is something to feel good about.0 -
You did a very selfless act, in that I congratulate you. I don't know your mom or your situation but I would suggest asking her why she reacted that way. Communication is absolute key
Next, to all of those saying she owes her mom, those are just your views on how a parent-child relationship should go and you should not push that idea(if you are) onto others.
My mom and I have a very strong bond. I go to college and pay for my tuition and gas money all on my own by working part time(with full time hours lol) and go to school full time. I have never taken a cent from my parents. I do live with them, because they insisted very strongly. I do use my mothers car, because she wants to ensure I have means of travel to school. Never once did my parents think or say I owe them anything.
My parents believe that, because they brought me into this world, it's their responsibility to support me(as long as I choose the right road) until I am able to fully support myself.
If my parents look like they are struggling, do I mind my own business and ignore it? No.
Do I help them out anyways against their will? Of course(though they do get mad at me because I am a student and they should be the ones looking after me).
I grew up on this type of parenting and I will continue it with my future kids(if I have any). When I finish college I will buy my parents a house and such because I feel like then it would be my turn to take care of them.0 -
You're an adult and the money was yours to use, not hers to control. Regardless of whether you are in a position now where it might be good to give back to the folks for providing room and board, there was no understood arrangement at the time.
It's great and you did a good deed, but even if you spent that $100 on lipstick, I'd say your mom no longer has a say in what you do with money that's in your pocket.0 -
You don' t wanna hear your mom's mouth about things? Move out. Simple.0
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Totally agree (I am a parentACanadian22 wrote: »Maybe Mama deserves some rent as you are an adult now. Maybe you eat her food, use her home and drive her car and yet you give to a friends mother???
You are not a kid anymore
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OP: you have a great heart, and you did something wonderful. As long as you and your parents agree on your living situation, the share of bills and expenses, etc., you should feel free to spend your money the way that you see fit. You did well.0
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I think your Mom should be proud she raised such a compassionate daughter. I would be very proud of my daughter if she did something like this to help another. As far as rent etc you should pay your mom, my daughter will pay me rent when she is out of college working full time if she is still living in my home. Until then I will pay her way just as my parents did for me.0
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My daughter is 20 and my son is 18. They're both living at home while going to school. I would NEVER charge them rent. They pay their own tuition, gas for the car they share and their phone bills.
OP, you did an amazing thing and if your mother won't say so then I will. I'm proud of what you did. You are on the right path and I have no doubt when you do move out and are on your own you will be just as generous and kindhearted.0 -
thatsillyshana23 wrote: »Idk why people think you owe your parents money for rent or tuition. They're investing in you and thats not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to live with parents. That $100 was yours and you had the right to help your friend. If your mother is upset thats a personal issue. She should be proud to have a child who would go out of your way to help a friend. :]
I agree.
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OP, ya done good.
You sound like a sweet person.
Don't lose that.
This.I'm thinking it may have had a lot to do with timing. Maybe some money issues she hasn't discussed with you...
If she would like more financial support from you for living there, that should be a separate conversation and you should have a set "rent" and or responsibilities.I asked her if there were any particular bills or anything she wants me to help pay. She told me not to worry about it, which she always tells me and then gets angry because I don't help her out. I offer to help her and she turns it down and then does that. I really don't know what to do to make her happy.Sit your mom down and ask her what is bothering her. Let her know that you are an adult now and she doesn't need to hide things from you, that you can listen, and help if you can.
The only thing I could add to that is maybe you could grab one of the bills every month & pay it yourself? I mean literally get the paper that the utility company mails to your house & write your own check & mark the bill "paid" & put it in the paid bill pile. Maybe don't even ask about it, just take responsibility for one bill.you took extraordinary measures to help and show this woman that you care. If you're not already, do the same, even more so, for your mom. Express your gratitude and appreciation for everything your mom does for you. Help her cook the meals. Clean the house for her. If its true, tell you you love her and couldn't do it without her. And OFFER to help financially, don't make her ask. Sometimes you may have to insist. If you're already doing all this than you're everything a mommy should hope for.
Just a thought, and it might not fit your situation. Don't make things worse.
This. My parents did the same thing, for my first degree, and I'm very grateful. Now I'm struggling with student loans for the other 2.5 degrees, can't get a job, can't pay my bills, worried about losing the house, and can really appreciate what a huge contribution they gave me.My parents paid for me to go to university. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.
I'd love to be able to help my son when he goes to college. Right now it's not looking possible
I can't even support myself. Very discouraging. 0 -
Maybe just ask your mom why she flew off the handle (or went Greyhound off the handle)?0
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I have to say, I have mixed feelings on this one.
On one hand, your mom probably pays all your utilities, food, and needs. She probably sacrifices a lot to be able to afford to do so and lives on a budget. Most families do. She probably, even though she phrased it and said it badly, wanted you to think of maybe giving to help her pay for you instead.
On the other hand, you make your money it should be yours to do with what you will. If you choose to help your mom or a friend's mom or whatever with it, it's your decision.
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