How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?

GothyFaery wrote: »

headofphat wrote: »

OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.

As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.

Good luck.

I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.

I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.

You got the responses you were given because you want two things that are direct opposite of each other. If you said you that you want to introduce cake into your diet while still cutting carbs, the responses would be just as inflammatory.

It really just sounds like you don't know what you want.

GothyFaery wrote: »

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

GothyFaery wrote: »

headofphat wrote: »

OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.

As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.

Good luck.

I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.

I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.

That bold part --- this is where I think you're wrong. Something is changing. You are changing -- physically, but probably in action too.

Have you EVER done something he didn't want you to do before -- just because you wanted it for yourself? Wouldn't that make you a less than perfect wife, by the roles/unofficial rules in your relationship?

I don't think most people mean to be down on you... you just seem to be wholly unaware that most women don't strive to be be "perfect" by 1950's standards and I think a lot of people worry about that.

I still don't see what's wrong with wanting to be the perfect wife (by any decade's standards). What's wrong with wanting to be perfect in anything?

Nothing, except that going against your husband's wishes by lifting weights obviously means you don't want to be his version of the perfect wife. Do you want to be his perfect wife or don't you?

GothyFaery wrote: »

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

GothyFaery wrote: »

headofphat wrote: »

OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.

As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.

Good luck.

I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.

I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.

That bold part --- this is where I think you're wrong. Something is changing. You are changing -- physically, but probably in action too.

Have you EVER done something he didn't want you to do before -- just because you wanted it for yourself? Wouldn't that make you a less than perfect wife, by the roles/unofficial rules in your relationship?

I don't think most people mean to be down on you... you just seem to be wholly unaware that most women don't strive to be be "perfect" by 1950's standards and I think a lot of people worry about that.

I still don't see what's wrong with wanting to be the perfect wife (by any decade's standards). What's wrong with wanting to be perfect in anything?

Bluntly? As you continue to respond it's quite obvious that there is a serious divide between being the "perfect wife" and wanting to lift. Your lifestyle choice of "making him completely happy in every way" is clearly going to be compromised by you lifting. I don't think a single person here can help you. This is one of those instances where I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too.

GothyFaery wrote: »

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

GothyFaery wrote: »

headofphat wrote: »

OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.

As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.

Good luck.

I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.

I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.

That bold part --- this is where I think you're wrong. Something is changing. You are changing -- physically, but probably in action too.

Have you EVER done something he didn't want you to do before -- just because you wanted it for yourself? Wouldn't that make you a less than perfect wife, by the roles/unofficial rules in your relationship?

I don't think most people mean to be down on you... you just seem to be wholly unaware that most women don't strive to be be "perfect" by 1950's standards and I think a lot of people worry about that.

I still don't see what's wrong with wanting to be the perfect wife (by any decade's standards). What's wrong with wanting to be perfect in anything?

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I was everything to my husband, too. Not because he demanded it, but because I wanted to..I loved him that much. We didn't have quite the same roles as you, but he was the head of the household. We both cleaned and cooked, but I did the majority. He did it to help me out...it was one of his expressions of love. We discussed major decisions with the ultimate decision being his. I trusted him. A lot of people don't understand the dynamic. It's ok. They don't really have to. If it works for you, then keep doing it.

GothyFaery wrote: »

PikaKnight wrote: »

You say you don't have secrets and such, but you are on here posting about this on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Does he know about this?

Have you considered maybe talking with those in a similar relationship style as yours that have faced such dilemmas? Maybe on Fetlife?

No, he doesn't know. I tried to talk to him about it this weekend and it didn't seem to work. I thought maybe someone else here would have gone through this before and have some specific advice. I didn't think it would get crazy.

I haven't looked at places like fetlife because this isn't a fetish. This isn't some S&M thing (not into that). It's just how I live. It's weird to me that more people here don't understand it but I'm sure I wouldn't understand the specifics of a lot of people's relelationships either. Just because it's not what 90% of people are doing, doesn't mean it's a fetish.

And honestly the whole Stepford thing is way more in my mind than his. I'm the one who is striving to be the perfect wife (yet another thing I don't understand seems crazy to a lot of people), he's not forcing me to be that way.

Ok, you wanted to hear from those of us who have been there. I lift; my husband didn't like it at first. So here's my take:

1. You tried to talk to him. That's excellent. Now be patient and wait for him to bring it up again. Really really patient. This part is going to be hard because lifting is awesome!
2. Keep lifting and let your results to the talking for you.
3. At the end of the day, you have to realize that you're going to grow and change as a person. And that's ok. And sometimes your husband won't like something you're doing, and that's ok too. He doesn't have to like everything you do.
4. He'll come around, or he won't. Accept that this is not your problem.

That's it. My husband came around after about 6 months when he saw that I wasn't going off the deep end with it. He's very supportive now and brags about how he doesn't need to call in "man help" when there's heavy lifting to do at home. And I don't even look like a dude.

To speak to your comment that people don't understand: lots of us understand quite well the type of relationship you're aspiring to. I understand traditional gender roles. I was raised in ultra-religious circles and was actually taught Stepford-style submission *in school--by teachers*. I'll write a blog about it someday. It's really crazy stuff. I had a more traditional marriage the first time around. Mine was horrible--controlling and manipulative. It was hell. But I have several friends who are in traditional marriages and are quite happy. My current marriage is very different--almost reversed gender roles. And believe me, I get as much crap about that as you do about your more traditional choice.

I don't think your traditional gender roles aren't being questioned so much as the fact that you use phrases like "not allowed" and "basically never apart". And the fact that you seem really defensive about it makes me think others in your life may have expressed concerns too. But maybe it's all perfectly harmless. I'll take your word for it.

GothyFaery wrote: »

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

GothyFaery wrote: »

headofphat wrote: »

OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.

As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.

Good luck.

I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.

I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.

That bold part --- this is where I think you're wrong. Something is changing. You are changing -- physically, but probably in action too.

Have you EVER done something he didn't want you to do before -- just because you wanted it for yourself? Wouldn't that make you a less than perfect wife, by the roles/unofficial rules in your relationship?

I don't think most people mean to be down on you... you just seem to be wholly unaware that most women don't strive to be be "perfect" by 1950's standards and I think a lot of people worry about that.

I still don't see what's wrong with wanting to be the perfect wife (by any decade's standards). What's wrong with wanting to be perfect in anything?

Because people aren't perfect. Ever. The 1950's have become notorious for treating women as though they were mere accessories to men. Robots.

That's not to say there is ANYTHING wrong with women who really enjoy a relationship with very traditional gender roles -- a June Cleaver type existence if you will -- but that comes with the understanding that's it's a choice you are making and not just how things are. It should also come with the understanding that no person should be held to an arbitrary set of standards, unless that's what they want.

You want to lift. This means you are going to deviate from June Cleaver in that one way. That doesn't mean you aren't the best wife you can be -- it just means you aren't perfectly emulating an idealized lifestyle.