My Husband!.... NOT ATTRACTED TO ME!
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Dear Fat2Fit145,
I was 29, no kids and married to a man who was very handsome, wealthy and into other women. He spoke to them on the phone and probably did a lot more than that. We were married for 2 years at this point and I had no self-esteem whatsoever. I was also about 185 pounds (I'm 5'7). We would fight and fight about his behavior and he often told me he was no longer attracted to me because of the 20 pounds I had put on during our marriage (he put on 30 easy).
I hid these issues from everyone, my parents thought he was a saint, my friends suspected nothing and I cried myself to sleep in a different bed from him every night for years.
Like you, I looked at what was wrong with me, was it my weight, was it him?
One day I just work up and saw my life two ways: Having children with this man, and a life where most likely we both had affairs, and lots and lots of tears OR leave him immediately and venture into my 30's single. There was so much clarity. I stopped questioning what the problem was because that is a distraction. That was the way it would be...either way.
Truth is, men like that are unhappy. They can't see what they have in front of them. It's a shallow, sad existence and can only be fixed from within, but they seek outward at the expense of those who love them (I guess there are women like this too, I don't mean to sound sexist).
Those are really your choices.
I chose to leave. I hurt my parents, I took nothing but my own belongings, and I dealt with the shame of being divorced before 30.
BUT, I lost 30 pounds and bought my own house. I dated on my terms. I got a dog. I became very close to my friends and family and I was happy with myself. I'd rather be alone than married and sad.
For a while I thought I might never have a family of my own, but I am married and I have a 5 year old daughter (I'm 40 now). My life is not perfect, but it is not empty. I don't have time to worry if I'm "good enough" for my husband, we are too busy making a life together and raising a daughter.
Here is the testament to what everyone - and I - am trying to tell you: my ex-husband remarried a year after I left him. His new wife was younger, and very beautiful. I hoped the best for them, as I left free and clear of any bad feelings (the whole point of leaving him was to shed the bad feelings). They had two children and he cheated on his wife when she was very pregnant with their second child. I heard he was in the delivery room so cold and mean to his wife. By 40 he had two pretty, professional ex-wives and he is working in #3, leaving a trail of children and drama in his wake.
Man, I'm so happy I got out when I did. Whatever you decide to do know two things: he most likely will not change , no matter what he says and THIS IS NOT DUE TO YOUR FAILINGS OR APPEARANCE.
I wish you peace within yourself....good luck to you!3 -
WHAAAAAT!!!!!! There is absolutely nothing to suggest he is gay. Obviously he is attracted to another woman! A secretly gay man would not be hitting on other women!!! And I see no evidence of sex addiction either, based on what the OP has told us. The guy is just an ordinary unhappily married cheater. Nothing complicated about that.firemama28 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »How much weight could have increased in 5 months?
I gained about 10 pounds. I was 185 around our wedding. the scale said 196.5 this morning
It can be a lot depending on weight distributions. You didn't gain a lot IMO. What does he expect when you get pregnant if that is the plan? This is a very serious issue and I put more blame on him too.
Well said... Unless you don't want kids. I personally think he has a sex addiction and he's been hiding it or he's gay.
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Sounds like a douche to me. Doesn't matter if you've gained a few pounds or not, you don't go around telling other people you're attached to them.1
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KrissyMuree wrote: »Relationships are not easy. Marriage (or long term monogamy) is even harder.
I haven't read all of the other replies, but my fiance went through this with me four years ago. We managed to work through it and work past it and rebuild the trust and our relationship is actually ten times better than it was then. It was him, and me, and it was through a lot of talking and therapy that we came to a conclusion about his misgivings (only texting/sexting other women). He was at a very low point in his life, very insecure and felt very alone - there was no excuse for it, but there it is. He sought attention elsewhere because he felt he wasn't getting it enough from me, and he didn't feel he could open up to me. So he went to someone else.
I can also admit at the time that I was far from the loving, much more understanding woman that I am now.
That being said, these things can be worked on and worked past. I'm not on team "throw it away". As many older couples have said, once upon a time, if something was broken, you'd fix it - not throw it away.
If he were incapable of communication, refused to talk it through and seek therapy or simply did not have the capacity to admit his wrongdoing and understand the dilemma fully and how much it hurt me, I would have left him. But I gave it my all first. As did he.
Also, there's three sides to every story. His side, your side and the truth.
I felt heartbroken, angry, betrayed, hurt and devastated when it happened to me - but did not realize how unsupportive, critical and platonic I had been towards him.
That may not be the case for you, but again, relationships are never easy.
Do what is best for you, your sanity and your future. Don't settle for less, but don't break into a run when things get rough either. No one knows your relationship better than you and your husband.
Very much enjoyed this response! Very good advice!! *applause!*
I'm glad that my response also got positive feedback, the one additional piece of advice that piqued my interest was seeing a sexual therapist! That is SUCH a good idea!
When first-boyfriend and I realized that our sexual tastes were suuuuuper different, we had never really talked about sex or sexual pleasure or preferences. We didn't know HOW to have this discussion because it still felt like it was taboo, even though we were engaged. This is a thing you SHOULD talk about with your fiance or spouse! Not be SCARED to talk about!
I think that if we were older and wiser we would have seen a sexual therapist who could have helped us learn to communicate our sexual desires to each other.
Now that we've been apart for maybe... 2? 3 years? or so? Anyway since that time I've learned a lot about the big wide world of sexual variety. It's a huge scientific field and every single person is different, both physiologically and psychologically. It's actually super interesting.
If he and I had taken the time to delve into that branch of science together and learn together, maybe we could have figured it out? Who knows. It's too late now. *shrug*
Honestly though, I don't think he would have wanted to come on that journey with me...0 -
eleven pages and still going strong...LOL1
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yopeeps025 wrote: »
like I said on page five, this is like an episode of Maury Povich ...except this episode never ends....0 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »
like I said on page five, this is like an episode of Maury Povich ...except this episode never ends....
What i find funny is the longer post.
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yopeeps025 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »
like I said on page five, this is like an episode of Maury Povich ...except this episode never ends....
What i find funny is the longer post.
Yet you two stillll keep coming back to this post.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! SMH0 -
Dear Fat2Fit145,
I was 29, no kids and married to a man who was very handsome, wealthy and into other women. He spoke to them on the phone and probably did a lot more than that. We were married for 2 years at this point and I had no self-esteem whatsoever. I was also about 185 pounds (I'm 5'7). We would fight and fight about his behavior and he often told me he was no longer attracted to me because of the 20 pounds I had put on during our marriage (he put on 30 easy).
I hid these issues from everyone, my parents thought he was a saint, my friends suspected nothing and I cried myself to sleep in a different bed from him every night for years.
Like you, I looked at what was wrong with me, was it my weight, was it him?
One day I just work up and saw my life two ways: Having children with this man, and a life where most likely we both had affairs, and lots and lots of tears OR leave him immediately and venture into my 30's single. There was so much clarity. I stopped questioning what the problem was because that is a distraction. That was the way it would be...either way.
Truth is, men like that are unhappy. They can't see what they have in front of them. It's a shallow, sad existence and can only be fixed from within, but they seek outward at the expense of those who love them (I guess there are women like this too, I don't mean to sound sexist).
Those are really your choices.
I chose to leave. I hurt my parents, I took nothing but my own belongings, and I dealt with the shame of being divorced before 30.
BUT, I lost 30 pounds and bought my own house. I dated on my terms. I got a dog. I became very close to my friends and family and I was happy with myself. I'd rather be alone than married and sad.
For a while I thought I might never have a family of my own, but I am married and I have a 5 year old daughter (I'm 40 now). My life is not perfect, but it is not empty. I don't have time to worry if I'm "good enough" for my husband, we are too busy making a life together and raising a daughter.
Here is the testament to what everyone - and I - am trying to tell you: my ex-husband remarried a year after I left him. His new wife was younger, and very beautiful. I hoped the best for them, as I left free and clear of any bad feelings (the whole point of leaving him was to shed the bad feelings). They had two children and he cheated on his wife when she was very pregnant with their second child. I heard he was in the delivery room so cold and mean to his wife. By 40 he had two pretty, professional ex-wives and he is working in #3, leaving a trail of children and drama in his wake.
Man, I'm so happy I got out when I did. Whatever you decide to do know two things: he most likely will not change , no matter what he says and THIS IS NOT DUE TO YOUR FAILINGS OR APPEARANCE.
I wish you peace within yourself....good luck to you!
Thanks much! Appreciate it1 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »
like I said on page five, this is like an episode of Maury Povich ...except this episode never ends....
What i find funny is the longer post.
Yet you two stillll keep coming back to this post.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! SMH
I can't help it..it is like a slow motion train wreck ….
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Well it helps to laugh and pass the time at work. Like I said people love drama and ever better when it does not involve them.Fat2Fit145 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »
like I said on page five, this is like an episode of Maury Povich ...except this episode never ends....
What i find funny is the longer post.
Yet you two stillll keep coming back to this post.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! SMH
I can't help it..it is like a slow motion train wreck ….0 -
Well first off him talking to other women or if he is cheating has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him and his dysfunction. Cheating is a dysfunction that lies with the person that is cheating. There is nothing wrong with you. Many people get so hurt by the spouse cheating that they think it is something wrong with themselves. And if after 5 months he is cheating, then he was cheating long before he married you. Some men just aren't meant to be married. So if there is no children involved then get out of the marriage and empower your beautiful self and move on with life, he is not worth your time and love. I speak from experience, I had my ex cheat on me and I am sure he is cheating on the women he is with now too. It is a dysfunctional pattern.1
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enterdanger wrote: »um, I agree with the people who say weight isn't the issue. Not sure how open your marriage is, but if my husband ever discussed our sex life with another woman and then told that woman he was attracted to her I would throat punch him. Then I'd get a divorce lawyer.
I'm not saying this is what you should do, just what I would do. Then I would get counseling for myself because I would be totally distraught.
Step 1: Throat punch. (Or 2)
Step 2: Discuss cause of step 1.0 -
It stinks that you are having to go through this when he is obviously the problem. He "bought the cow" so to speak, and is not mature enough to continue to uphold his end of the deal. You are beautiful. 10lbs, more to love. If he is saying things to another woman about being attracted to you, it his way of trying to make her pity him and his made-up situation. I'm guessing he has wandering eye, and probably has for a while. If you guys are not very physical, chances are; he's trying to get physical. I never recommend just dropping a marriage. 5 months? 1st year is usually the hardest. Instead of blaming yourself, start dressing like you feel sexy. Show him what he will be missing if he slips in between the sheets with someone else. Square your shoulders, hold your head up, fix your hair and face, and make that man see the desirable captivating vixen you are. If he still strays, then reach inside yourself and grab hold of that strength all women were given, and kick his stupid-two-timing-butt to the curb
Hope that helps, beautiful. You are amazing. You are beautiful, and you got this. 0 -
Wonder who's still on this thread!...... 6years later, NOTHING CHANGED!.... Came back to get my facts straight as i file for divorce. I wish i had listened to those who said LEAVE ! Anywhoo... toodles!. #roadtohealing29
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Wonder who's still on this thread!...... 6years later, NOTHING CHANGED!.... Came back to get my facts straight as i file for divorce. I wish i had listened to those who said LEAVE ! Anywhoo... toodles!. #roadtohealing
I was wondering who bumped a zombie thread, and it's actually the person that started it for a change.
Though I haven't read the whole thread, the basics of it were obvious from your first post. Move on, live your life, and don't tolerate a partner that treats you poorly. The physical aspects are just one part of any lasting relationship, but someone that lacks enough care and commitment doesn't deserve your time regardless.
Life is too short to be spent trying to fix someone else's issues when you did nothing to cause it.11 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Wonder who's still on this thread!...... 6years later, NOTHING CHANGED!.... Came back to get my facts straight as i file for divorce. I wish i had listened to those who said LEAVE ! Anywhoo... toodles!. #roadtohealing
Good for you, and best of luck with the divorce.3 -
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Wonder who's still on this thread!...... 6years later, NOTHING CHANGED!.... Came back to get my facts straight as i file for divorce. I wish i had listened to those who said LEAVE ! Anywhoo... toodles!. #roadtohealing
OMG, I was skimming through the thread having thoughts about the situation (that other people already gave good advice about) but actually just wanted to show support for telling randos on the internet so I'm glad you're the one who bumped it!
But 6 years??? Why so long with that jerk???2
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