My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

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Replies

  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    zacksnana wrote: »
    Let's stop and let the OP continue to get any support she wants/needs from this thread and since she is already in a fragile state anyone who doesn't want to offer support can hopefully choose to move along. It has been suggested she seek help from professionals and she is doing that. But a lot of people here are also a much needed source of support for her.

    Thank you.

    Seconding this. Lets keep this thread positive and supportive for the OP.

    <3
  • Omg im so sry here to hear im a man and i cnt say i know what ur going thru but my mom was in a abusive relationship so again im sry and if u need any help with what ur working at im not a small dude im pretty decent looking but after my brother died at 24 a yr and a half ago so i came down with anxiety and depression so again im here to support u if u need help and honestly he shld be in jail and if u want to live him there is plenty of ppl u can talk to so pls get in touch with ppl it helps trust me i cnt even go to family so find ppls that are not family unless they will support u but seriously keep in touch with ppl on here thank u and im sry talking helps trust me ive hit rock bottom before so god bless sweety and stay strong god has a plan for all of us...
  • janecl
    janecl Posts: 121 Member
    Bravo for you for going to the psychologist and AA! You're starting to take care of yourself! I've never been through what you're going through and am not trying to judge but please take care of yourself even better! It doesn't matter what we weigh, we don't deserve what you're going through. I have been married 40 years and overweight most of my life. I know my life loves me and I know he's been mad enough at me to want to hit me but he walked outside. He would never hit a woman for any reason and he knows that I love myself enough that it would only happen once. The verbal and emotional abuse for you is at the top and you deserve so much more. I have my faith and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Let your friends and family help you! You are worthy of so much more!
  • sloupos
    sloupos Posts: 1
    I have no words of advice but I can tell you that you have a million women rooting for you!! You are successful, smart and loved by parents. Work on building a support system around you and you will conquer this! We are all wanting the best for you and know you can do this! You are a woman who has proven to have self motivation and discipline. One day at a time!!!!
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    A group has been started to take this to a private forum.

    The group is called SUPPORTIVE WOMEN. it is strictly set up for anyone who wishes to support the OP.

    Those who do not wish to offer support should NOT join the group.

    Thank you.
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Hello to everyone on this Monday.

    First of all, I am sorry this thread got kind of out of control and that there have been a couple of "fights" about some comments that were made. I know some people have commented about me using this as a support system for domestic violence, verbal abuse, my (previous) alcoholism, and my job stress.

    But the reason I came on here in the first place is my husband's demand that I lose a whole bunch of weight before I get to see him again. It really started with a weight/nutrition/fitness issue, and I have divulged the other things that have been going on with me because they all contributed to my weight gain.

    I am sorry if I have offended anyone and I am so thankful to those who have defended me and continued to provide me with their support. I am so humbled by the overwhelming responses I have had, and this MFP thread is making me stronger and perhaps changing my life forever.

    Quick update: I called my psychologist today (yes, I am seeking professional help as advised, and have been for months) and she suggested that the next appointment, on Wednesday, be just with me and her and without my husband present. He may remember that we were supposed to go together, but he may not. I was struggling with the idea of reminding him, and posted about it, but wanted to update you all on that.

    Also, ANOTHER lawyer from the firm called me today and offered his support. He said that my boss shouldn't have let me go and he is happy to be a reference and would hire me himself if he could. He used an analogy that has really struck a chord with me.

    "You came from being a cook in an Oriental kitchen. Then you were thrown into a classy Italian restaurant, asked by the Chef to cook for everyone in the restaurant, without half of the ingredients and without any recipes. When you called the Chef for help, he was gone. You were set up to fail, and it never would have worked out".

    As I may have mentioned before, I came from a non-for-profit law environment and when I started this new job in a private practice as a first year lawyer, I was thrown a whole bunch of family law files that I had absolutely no experience with. I was told to bill well over what a first year lawyer should be billing. My boss left to go into politics and left me with all of the family law files, all of her files, and I was expected to "hold up her business" by billing enough to cover her salary (which is HUGE), my salary, four Assistants' salary, and overhead. She took all of our Assistants to aid her in her campaign, and when I had questions and needed mentorship, she ignored my requests. I struggled so much and lost so much confidence and felt lost. So I believe his analogy, and am thankful for his call and support.

    I am leaving in 20 minutes to go to another AA meeting and I'm still not drinking.

    No calls or texts from my husband today. But for the first time... I really don't care. I agree that I need my space to clear my head.

    Thank you to zacknana for setting up a group for me. We were PM'ing and she suggested it would be a good idea. I am so thankful for friends like her (and all of you!!). I am so touched that I have received so much support. I just wanted to give this latest update to the thread.

    I do not want anyone to fight. I love you all for your support.
  • billr9mm
    billr9mm Posts: 72 Member
    palwithme wrote: »
    Thank God that a**hole of a boss lost the election. Your are a frigging lawyer! You are intelligent, brave, and a great person. Tell that husband of yours to drive his truck off a cliff. You don't need his sh** anymore. You can take care of yourself. Then tell him to take his 30 days of water and give himself an enema that goes straight up to his useless brain. As you can tell, I am pi**ed off for you. ;)
    MFP needs a "like button"!

  • billr9mm
    billr9mm Posts: 72 Member
    Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!

    Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.

    You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.

    I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.

    I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.

    I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.

    Still... scared.

    So there is a ton of advice floating around this thread. Great to see the MFP family coming together to help someone in need. I'm not even going to attempt to offer any more direct advice, but I will suggest just one thing perhaps a little off topic.
    So you mentioned that you returned to your house (and I realize it is YOUR home) to pick up some of your things. You also mention that your husband was in the shower during the time you were in your home. I would strongly suggest, for both your benefit, that the next time you return home please have a police officer with you and make your presence known. Abusers react in different ways when faced with different scenarios. In this case, even though you may not even know it, its possible he is even more pissed that when he threw you out that you did not immediately crawl back begging for his forgiveness. Certainly at this point he has to know, being that you have been gone for more then 24 hours, that you are most likely getting outside help and advice and this may make him react in ways you thought he never could or would. I don't know your husband (and frankly don't want to know him) so I'm certainly not suggesting anything here, but you need to make your safety priority #1. Furthermore, you certainly don't want to give him any angles (you are an attorney, so you know exactly what I'm suggesting here) or justification for any type of reaction when he claims he was startled and had no idea that the person in his home was his wife.
    Bring along an officer, they do this type of thing all the time. Simply call the police non emergency number and request an officer meet you at the residence at a set time. You need to make yourself numero uno and this includes your safety. Take good care of yourself!!
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Thank you billr9mm. I will take your suggestion into consideration. The last time I went home to get stuff, when my husband was in the shower, my dad came with me and made sure I was safe.

    I just got back from my latest AA meeting and when it was my time to share, I talked about all the great support that I have been receiving on this thread and from my new MFP friends.

    zacksnana so kindly set up a group called SUPPORTIVE WOMEN (with a beautiful picture of roses, I might add) that may be a more appropriate way to discuss my situation and any other situation similar (or not similar) to mine that other women might be going through. Of course men who support healthy relationships and respect to women are invited too! It will stay open for joining for a few days until it will be "request to be in group only".

    You are all making such an impact in my life and will NEVER forget this.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,236 Member
    edited April 2015
    1. dont worry about the fights, they were nothing and shouldnt distract you.
    2. I remain impressed by the fact you are absorbing some of the unified advice and listenining. You are being strong.
    3. Keep it simple and your priority is AA because that will help you have the clear mind in which you can see everything else thats happening to you.
    4. Your next priority is to stay away and avoid all contact with your husband. he is unsure at the moment and doesnt realise he is losing control. As a bully and abuser at some stage he will want to gain control.
    5. It will take some time for you to reach the decsion in your head to leave (its simple for everyone here), but I understand theres is a great deal of emotional baggage to unravel and make sense of plus some brave decisions to make that will get you to the place where you know what to do. Just build on the great work you are doing at the moment and stay away from him. Be patient and support yourself, not too fast, but dont be fearful of making choices for you.
    6. Contact one of the refuges near you, if you mail me your city then I will try and locate it for you. I sent you the links earlier. There you can go and see people who have the experience of such situations. They can reassure you in person which will have a weight and resonance that the internet will not and help you understand what people are saying is true. Seeing things clearly is very important.
    7. Do not worry about the job as you can sort that out later. In terms of career it wont matter plus you have a good reason and there are barious ways to spit it at interview. You will need to sort out your primary issues anyway becayse an addiction woul be a big problem, hence you have to get that under control. on a positive note, when the time comes you can try a different practice area if you didnt enjoy family law, it may have been the firm you didnt like, but as you werent established and hinted you didnt like it, then you can look at other areas, as it may be an opportunity to do soemthing better suited to you.

    Keep it simple, keep up with AA, avoid all contact with toxic husband, take care of yourself, keep going. You are doing great.
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
    P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".

    Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...

    Argh!

    There are things about him you love. You fell in love with him for a reason, and you haven't left him because from time to time you still see the things you love. You want to change him so you'll have the man you fell in love with AND a man who treats you right, and you won't have to go through a massive life overhaul. If he would just be kind and loving, everything would be perfect. But he's not going to. If anything, you've made it sound like he's gotten worse over time.

    He might actually start to get better for awhile. She's on her own now, and not on a close string he can constantly yank. He might start being super nice to get her back where he can have better control.

  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
    DKLI wrote: »
    He's texting you to make sure he's still in control. Do not respond. He doesn't regret or feel sorry about what he's done to you, he feels it's his right. Do not tell him anything about what you are doing. You do not want him to know where you are, when you'll be somewhere, who you are with.

    I know it's hard right now. You feel like part of you is missing bur remember that the part that is missing is the negative, violent and controlling part. Only you control your life so from now on, please try to think that way. You have all of the control.

    He thinks if he threatens you, belittles you, or makes you feel you can't survive without him, he wins. He did you a BIG favor making you leave. He will come to realize that instead of you crawling back to him, begging him to let you back in, he has lost total control. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, look it up. Because of the years of him being able to make you do anything he wishes, he is assuming things will return to the way they were once you come home and "obey" his orders to lose weight, follow a schedule, check in with him, breathe correctly, whatever he dictates. You should remember that the more you try to bend to his control, the less he respects you and the worse it will get. You cannot win with a Narcissist.

    Today is the day you get your life back.

    exactly this.


  • HardcoreP0rk
    HardcoreP0rk Posts: 936 Member

    A couple weeks ago another lawyer in my office who is 6 years sober took me out for lunch and told me she knows I am drinking and said she would accompany me to AA. I felt horrible that I was obvious about this downfall, but agreed to go only because I would die otherwise... either by alcohol poisoning or suicide.

    Dont feel horrible. You are not a failure, neither are you an obvious one. This friend at work recognized things no one else will see because of personal experience.

    I went through some similar things. When I was in it, I felt like you and thought it would never get any better. That there was no hope. It gets better. You can do it, but it will take time. It took me years and years. I would say probably 5 years total to go from rock bottom to doing fabulously well.

    But you can start today. You can have a good day today. I think you probably need to take a break though, and seek inpatient care.

  • 1nelle
    1nelle Posts: 39 Member
    Wow i am very sorry for what you are going through right now. The one thing i would like to say to you is you are a strong woman and you will find your way! If you need a friend to talk to i am here for you to help you with the good and bad, i will listen to your pain and i would cry with you all to help you find your iner self that needs to shine! If you need a friend.
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,196 Member
    Thank you billr9mm. I will take your suggestion into consideration. The last time I went home to get stuff, when my husband was in the shower, my dad came with me and made sure I was safe.

    I just got back from my latest AA meeting and when it was my time to share, I talked about all the great support that I have been receiving on this thread and from my new MFP friends.

    zacksnana so kindly set up a group called SUPPORTIVE WOMEN (with a beautiful picture of roses, I might add) that may be a more appropriate way to discuss my situation and any other situation similar (or not similar) to mine that other women might be going through. Of course men who support healthy relationships and respect to women are invited too! It will stay open for joining for a few days until it will be "request to be in group only".

    You are all making such an impact in my life and will NEVER forget this.

    Link? I can't seem to find it with a google search.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    Thank you billr9mm. I will take your suggestion into consideration. The last time I went home to get stuff, when my husband was in the shower, my dad came with me and made sure I was safe.

    I just got back from my latest AA meeting and when it was my time to share, I talked about all the great support that I have been receiving on this thread and from my new MFP friends.

    zacksnana so kindly set up a group called SUPPORTIVE WOMEN (with a beautiful picture of roses, I might add) that may be a more appropriate way to discuss my situation and any other situation similar (or not similar) to mine that other women might be going through. Of course men who support healthy relationships and respect to women are invited too! It will stay open for joining for a few days until it will be "request to be in group only".

    You are all making such an impact in my life and will NEVER forget this.

    Link? I can't seem to find it with a google search.

    Invite sent.
  • versusveritas
    versusveritas Posts: 20 Member
    I've been lurking since this thread began and have nothing but good intentions and support for the OP. Can I please get an invite too?
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    I've been lurking since this thread began and have nothing but good intentions and support for the OP. Can I please get an invite too?

    Sending. :)
  • palwithme
    palwithme Posts: 860 Member
    I've been lurking since this thread began and have nothing but good intentions and support for the OP. Can I please get an invite too?

    Hey there - I just sent you an invite.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    palwithme wrote: »
    I've been lurking since this thread began and have nothing but good intentions and support for the OP. Can I please get an invite too?

    Hey there - I just sent you an invite.

    Lol. Me too.