It's official, I've lost my mind!
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we all have two wolves in us. one is unhealthy and thinks crazy things sees crazy things and forces me to excess. one is healthy and thinks healthy things and see sane things and supports moderation. WHICH WOLF WINS...the ONE YOU FEED.
no you do not FEED that wolf with more workouts...you silence it by ignoring it.0 -
we all have two wolves in us. one is unhealthy and thinks crazy things sees crazy things and forces me to excess. one is healthy and thinks healthy things and see sane things and supports moderation. WHICH WOLF WINS...the ONE YOU FEED.
no you do not FEED that wolf with more workouts...you silence it by ignoring it.
I like this. I am a big fan of quotes and inspirational / motivational sayings
To those of you who cared to share your personal stories, thank you. I appreciate the candor and real concern.
To those of you who have given me things to think about, thank you. You've certainly got my wheels spinning.
Another example - I work in the city, love the summer time energy! Today, rather than take my afternoon dance class I went for a walk. It was nice wondering around the city and taking in the sights, smells, energy, etc. I popped into a couple of stores and looked around. I admit that in my head I was thinking since I didn't take the dance class I'd have to walk around for an hour or so to make up for it. Another thing I noticed was the fact that I tend to look at other women and mentally compare e.g., "She's thinner than I am, she's heavier than I am". That's total BS right there because I know this journey is about me and not anyone else. But I caught myself doing it none-the-less.
So I am going to make an effort to reduce the amount of times I work out in a day. I'll keep my morning routine because that replaces my coffee and sets me up for a good day. It's not overly intense either... more of a "wake me up" quickie that usually consists of a 30 minute burn followed by either heavy or light weights and core depending upon the day. I'm never giving up boxing so I'll stick with my evening MMA classes with the exception of Tuesday night dance. I am commiting to making each Thursday an active rest day, in other words, no classes at all. I will however walk my dog around the waterfront near where I live, but that will be a nice easy stroll.
I will make an appointment with my doctor and will take it from there.
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I had to take a look through your diary over the past month after reading this.
Clearly you love exercise. Nothing wrong with that. But I honestly cannot understand how you're functioning. With a exercise rarely dipping below an hour a day and regularly hitting 2 hours a day and only consuming 1100-1500 calories a day, that's a ridiculous net even with MFP overestimation. This is seriously damaging to your body. Please consider that what you're doing is very counterproductive to what you're trying to achieve. You are damaging your body and your mind is ignoring it. Once reality kicks in, the recovery process will suck. Seriously...your mind is tricking you into thinking this is ok. You know it's not.
I tried to do too much training at one time and hit 2 hours a few times a week for about a month, my body got furious and I couldn't figure out how to eat enough to make it balance. So I stopped. If you can't figure out how to get enough calories in the replenish from what you're doing, slow it down. You either eat to support that level of exercise or you reduce the amount.
Yes, I mentioned this in a post a while ago. I am at a point where I can't seem to make up the calories any longer. Even if I eat way over my normal intake. It's hard to explain. It's like by the end of a week or month I've created such a huge deficit that I'd have to eat thousands to make it up. But I can't do that, just don't have the appetite or stomach capacity!
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cushman5279 wrote: »PrizePopple wrote: »http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/explain/anorathletica.phpSymptoms of anorexia may be denied
Symptoms of Anorexia Athletica may include over-exercising, obsession with calories, fat, and weight, especially as compared to elite athletes, self-worth being determined by physical performance, and a lack of pleasure from exercising. Advanced cases of Anorexia Athletica may result in physical, psychological, and social consequences as sufferers deny that their excessive exercising patterns are a problem.
People with Anorexia Athletica may have anxiety and feel out of control in their life but that they can control their body and their weight. However, they will often feel guilty if they miss a workout, or don't exercise "enough," and therefore are out of control and at the mercy of this compulsory activity.
Please seek professional help because what you are doing to yourself is not healthy. End of story.
Oh well hell, this is totally me. Only I don't lack pleasure from exercising in fact exercising/competing/training is just pure joy! I don't think obsessing with training, nutrition, calories, etc. is a problem. I don't push or force my ways or my agenda on anyone and I keep things in check. My life is wonderful, and in control as much as ones life can be I do feel guilty sometimes when I miss a work out but it has nothing to do with the actual exercise but more of a feeling of letting my MMA community down a bit when I skip out. Dance studio and MMA communities are like family. I do sometimes feel like I don't exercise enough... meaning, I could go on and on and sometimes wonder how far I could push myself. Elite athletes? hell yes, they get elite status by pushing themselves to their limits.
Just pointing out that, those thoughts + your diary, all remind me of me when I'm dealing with a relapse of my eating disorder.
Many people don't *think* they have problems when they do, fyi. Not sure if this whole thread was you trying to unconsciously reach out and have people tell you you have a problem or what.0 -
I was just joking with a friend about things my mother (RIP) used to say.
When I was heavy and/or gaining weight, she'd tell me I was blessed with that extra wide extra large (maiden name) *kitten*! Then when I lost a bunch of weight and got very thin she would tell me I looked like a GD Aids patient! It sounds mean but it was really funny... you would have had to have known my mother. 100% Sicilian and would just tell you like it is. Me, along with my siblings and father, spent the last few months of her life taking care of her as if she was a child. She couldn't do anything for herself any longer and she slept a lot. Part of her sicknesses made it impossible for her to eat. She was down to around 80 lbs or maybe even less when she finally passed. During that time I'd joke with her and give her the same kind of wiseass *kitten* she had given me. She always got a laugh out of it. She was always a very healthy eater and believed in moderation. She also believed in and made a lot of "Peasant meals" from the old school. Things like pasta and beans, lentils, bean/veggie stews, etc. She tried to follow an exercise routine but couldn't because she had lupus and would always get a flare up when she exercised too much. But she was always fit and slender despite being on prednesone for years. She was one of the only people I knew who actually managed to lose weight on the drug (old school weight watchers). My weight gain was from my fathers side. 100% French... a lot of heavy meals, gravies, cheeses, breads, etc.
So yeah, there are def two sides to me.
I don't know why I shared this story.
It made me smile.0 -
cushman5279 wrote: »PrizePopple wrote: »http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/explain/anorathletica.phpSymptoms of anorexia may be denied
Symptoms of Anorexia Athletica may include over-exercising, obsession with calories, fat, and weight, especially as compared to elite athletes, self-worth being determined by physical performance, and a lack of pleasure from exercising. Advanced cases of Anorexia Athletica may result in physical, psychological, and social consequences as sufferers deny that their excessive exercising patterns are a problem.
People with Anorexia Athletica may have anxiety and feel out of control in their life but that they can control their body and their weight. However, they will often feel guilty if they miss a workout, or don't exercise "enough," and therefore are out of control and at the mercy of this compulsory activity.
Please seek professional help because what you are doing to yourself is not healthy. End of story.
Oh well hell, this is totally me. Only I don't lack pleasure from exercising in fact exercising/competing/training is just pure joy! I don't think obsessing with training, nutrition, calories, etc. is a problem. I don't push or force my ways or my agenda on anyone and I keep things in check. My life is wonderful, and in control as much as ones life can be I do feel guilty sometimes when I miss a work out but it has nothing to do with the actual exercise but more of a feeling of letting my MMA community down a bit when I skip out. Dance studio and MMA communities are like family. I do sometimes feel like I don't exercise enough... meaning, I could go on and on and sometimes wonder how far I could push myself. Elite athletes? hell yes, they get elite status by pushing themselves to their limits.
Just pointing out that, those thoughts + your diary, all remind me of me when I'm dealing with a relapse of my eating disorder.
Many people don't *think* they have problems when they do, fyi. Not sure if this whole thread was you trying to unconsciously reach out and have people tell you you have a problem or what.
No I wasn't trying to do that, not even unconsciously. I was just having one of those days and wanted to vent about it. I assumed other people have those days too and that we'd get a good laugh out of it. Somewhere along the way it turned into this!
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Do you have OCD tendencies?
I honestly think you'd benefit from replacing 1 or more of your weekly/daily sessions with a very meditative yoga (not hot yoga or intense yoga!) or tai chi class. It'll still feel like a "class" you're going to where you're "active" with your friends, but you might find some mental space to focus on what's important in life. "Health" is important, but not at the sake of your sanity or long term sustainability of a regime.
Do you feel safe and comfortable at home? I know this might be an 'out there' kind of question.0 -
Okay, honey. This really concerns me. This is a form of bulimia and I urge you to please seek help. I struggled with a different form of bulimia for a little over six years until my body was physically dying and a trusted friends convinced me to get help. I know that it is really hard to stop because if the way you feel about your body. There is no attainable perfection and you are harming yourself more than you realize. This will catch up with you. It sounds to me like you also have body dysmorphia and possibly dysphoria. I have been diagnosed with both, believe me when I say that the things you are seeing in the mirror are not accurate. Your view Is distorted and you are viewing yourself like you are staring into a carnival mirror. Please, don't let your boddy degrade. It may be hard to see that your behaviors are not healthy or normal. I've been in therapy for a year and I still struggle every day, but I am so much better off now than I was. 1200 calories isIthe bare minimum to eat WITH NO EXCERSIZE. Any excersize and you need to eat Bach half if the calories that you burn. YOUR NET CALORIES SHOULD NEVER BE LESS THAN 1200 CALORIES. Please message me if you ever need support, I don't know your exact circumstances but I have been through similar things.
A little about me to possibly make you more comfortable reaching out to me: I'm 18 year old female, I weigh 125lbs at 5'7''. That is the lower end of the healthy range for me. I was barely underweight 118lbs when I became so weak that I couldn't stand without almost fainting. I was losing hair, fatigued, my face was colorless and tired, I was having heart palpitations, and I became severely depressed and suicidal. I lost friends, I lost allot.The consequences are real, please seek help.0 -
Anorexia is very often egosyntonic, meaning that the way you are eating and exercising and managing your weight is at some basic level very much in line with your values, which makes it very difficult to get help and stay in treatment. As an eating disorders therapist, the amounts you are eating and the form of your exercise is very concerning. I would also encourage you to reflect whether your menstruation is at all disrupted which would be a clear sign of physiological problems.0
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Do you have OCD tendencies?
I honestly think you'd benefit from replacing 1 or more of your weekly/daily sessions with a very meditative yoga (not hot yoga or intense yoga!) or tai chi class. It'll still feel like a "class" you're going to where you're "active" with your friends, but you might find some mental space to focus on what's important in life. "Health" is important, but not at the sake of your sanity or long term sustainability of a regime.
Do you feel safe and comfortable at home? I know this might be an 'out there' kind of question.
Yes, I have an awesome home-life and an awesome job and an awesome (safe/comfortable) life in general
Funny you should mention that... one of my goals this month was to start doing yoga... I completely forgot!0 -
It seems that you posted as a cry for help mixed with some pride for your dedication. The replies are not what you wanted/expected maybe, but you are slowly destroying yourself... Not making yourself stronger. Please get some help.0
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being trans and dealing with a form of ptsd, i know dysphoria, and i know i've been dealing with undereating for a long time because of disordered thinking like that. reading this thread sort of helped. thanks.0
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@cushman5279 does replacing the food rush high with an exercise high resonate with you?MamaBirdBoss wrote: »I have had a friend who replaced the food-rush high with an endorphin high.0
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cushman5279 wrote: »we all have two wolves in us. one is unhealthy and thinks crazy things sees crazy things and forces me to excess. one is healthy and thinks healthy things and see sane things and supports moderation. WHICH WOLF WINS...the ONE YOU FEED.
no you do not FEED that wolf with more workouts...you silence it by ignoring it.
I like this. I am a big fan of quotes and inspirational / motivational sayings
To those of you who cared to share your personal stories, thank you. I appreciate the candor and real concern.
To those of you who have given me things to think about, thank you. You've certainly got my wheels spinning.
Another example - I work in the city, love the summer time energy! Today, rather than take my afternoon dance class I went for a walk. It was nice wondering around the city and taking in the sights, smells, energy, etc. I popped into a couple of stores and looked around. I admit that in my head I was thinking since I didn't take the dance class I'd have to walk around for an hour or so to make up for it. Another thing I noticed was the fact that I tend to look at other women and mentally compare e.g., "She's thinner than I am, she's heavier than I am". That's total BS right there because I know this journey is about me and not anyone else. But I caught myself doing it none-the-less.
So I am going to make an effort to reduce the amount of times I work out in a day. I'll keep my morning routine because that replaces my coffee and sets me up for a good day. It's not overly intense either... more of a "wake me up" quickie that usually consists of a 30 minute burn followed by either heavy or light weights and core depending upon the day. I'm never giving up boxing so I'll stick with my evening MMA classes with the exception of Tuesday night dance. I am commiting to making each Thursday an active rest day, in other words, no classes at all. I will however walk my dog around the waterfront near where I live, but that will be a nice easy stroll.
I will make an appointment with my doctor and will take it from there.
So glad that you are going to see your doctor about this. One comment about you comparing yourself to other women... she's thinner than me, she's fatter than me... don't forget that most women when asked to put themselves in a lineup according to size, put themselves much larger than they actually are. So you very well may be thinner than a lot of the ones you think are smaller than you.0 -
cushman5279 wrote: »
Yes, I mentioned this in a post a while ago. I am at a point where I can't seem to make up the calories any longer. Even if I eat way over my normal intake. It's hard to explain. It's like by the end of a week or month I've created such a huge deficit that I'd have to eat thousands to make it up. But I can't do that, just don't have the appetite or stomach capacity!
This is part of the reason that you need to eat more during the week. You can't rely on a big weekend to undo the week or month. I have looked at your diary, it would be easy to eat more calories dense foods, you tend to be light on fat and protein. You eat a lot of vegetables which is great but they can also be very filling. So add an extra egg to your meals, or some beans, or some less lean meat. Have a spoonful of nut butter once in a while. Use full fat dairy. With the amount that you exercise you do not need to eat any "diet" foods.
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