Husband sabotage
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linerandcoffee wrote: »Sometimes people are afraid of change. Your husband could subconciously be going through the period of insecurity and uncertainty that comes with having a SO who is making drastic changes. In the back of his mind there could be a voice telling him that you'll be too good for him when you reach your goals, and he's afraid of losing the you that you used to be. But give him time, and remind him that this change will make you happier, which will fill his life with more joy and enthusiasm in the long run. Maybe he just needs reassurance that while your fat is going to disappear, you aren't going anywhere.linerandcoffee wrote: »Sometimes people are afraid of change. Your husband could subconciously be going through the period of insecurity and uncertainty that comes with having a SO who is making drastic changes. In the back of his mind there could be a voice telling him that you'll be too good for him when you reach your goals, and he's afraid of losing the you that you used to be. But give him time, and remind him that this change will make you happier, which will fill his life with more joy and enthusiasm in the long run. Maybe he just needs reassurance that while your fat is going to disappear, you aren't going anywhere.
I've observed this in a few different couples, myself and hubby included. (I even have a really good friend whose husband shames and guilts her into not going to WW meetings and really does sabotage her best efforts.) Based on the examples the OP gave, I can't tell if he's necessarily sabotaging you or just continuing to do what he's used to doing. You might want to take some time to observe his behavior. Does he only ask you for help while you're working out? If so, maybe just say, "Sure honey, as soon as I'm done." Maybe you could put the donuts on a high shelf that only he could reach. If he asks why they're not on the counter where he left them, just say you'd be too tempted. That way it's not addressing his behavior, only yours. I agree with the other posters that you'll just have to keep doing things for yourself, and you may have a little more of an uphill battle than other people if you don't have a supportive spouse. I'd love to have my hubs be really supportive of my journey, but it's just not going to happen. Know that there are those of us who understand your struggle. Just keep at it, and you'll feel even better when you see what you've accomplished.thorsmom01 wrote: »
My husband brings home sweets all the time. He also interups me at the gym by calling me and asking where I put his shoes and other dumb things. He's not sabotaging me . the only way he could sabotage me would be if I let him.
Its my choice what I eat and its my choice to ignore him while working out. Its not that big of a deal that he brought donuts home. Its up to you if you eat them or not.
You also can't expect him to totally change his ways just because you have decided to lose weight.
^ All excellent points. You're the one that is changing behavior here, he doesn't have to. As for the donuts - think of it as a willpower exercise. The interruption while exercising - make a set time for no interruptions.
My husband buys beer all the time, good delicious craft beer that I love, but I prefer to eat my calories instead of drink them, so I don't (unless I've specifically made room for it in my day because I refuse to write off things I love - that whole moderation thing). When I open the fridge and see them, or open one to give him, it doesn't bother me. I've worked my willpower muscle excessively and it's paying off. It isn't sabotage.
Edit: To add another quote.0 -
What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
So he can't bring foods he wants to eat because it might tempt the OP? What? That's pretty selfish to expect, imo.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I thought about the above bolded...
For me personally...not sure that I want someone else to make it easier. What does make it easier...for me...
Each day that I manage to make good decisions...each day that I don't give in to those temptations that I face every day...makes it easier.
Maybe I look at all of this differently than some...I want to have to fight for this...on my own. I don't want to depend on others to make it easier.
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callmemaui wrote: »Thank you so much for the advice and support! You're right. I can only control myself. I don't have to eat the donuts, and I do realize that I need to be more specific with him. I'm going to have a good talk with him this evening.
He may be worried that your desire to change stems from unhappiness, and that perhaps he is something you are unhappy with. If this is not the case, make sure he knows it. During this talk and all throughout your weight loss. It's actually pretty common for a spouse to leave after losing weight, so make sure he knows why you want to change.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
Wow.
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megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
so support = giving up all the foods he loves, because OP thinks they are bad?
FYI - you can eat donuts, lose weight, and be healthy.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I thought about the above bolded...
For me personally...not sure that I want someone else to make it easier. What does make it easier...for me...
Each day that I manage to make good decisions...each day that I don't give in to those temptations that I face every day...makes it easier.
Maybe I look at all of this differently than some...I want to have to fight for this...on my own. I don't want to depend on others to make it easier.
1000% agree with. Matter of fact I would test myself to see how much self control and will power I have.0 -
megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I thought about the above bolded...
For me personally...not sure that I want someone else to make it easier. What does make it easier...for me...
Each day that I manage to make good decisions...each day that I don't give in to those temptations that I face every day...makes it easier.
Maybe I look at all of this differently than some...I want to have to fight for this...on my own. I don't want to depend on others to make it easier.
I agree with this.
I don't want it to be easier, I want temptations, so that I can teach myself no/yes/moderation or just indulged cause had a great workout this week or whatever.0 -
Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
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PeachyCarol wrote: »Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
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PeachyCarol wrote: »Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
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PeachyCarol wrote: »Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
Well said,
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megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I thought about the above bolded...
For me personally...not sure that I want someone else to make it easier. What does make it easier...for me...
Each day that I manage to make good decisions...each day that I don't give in to those temptations that I face every day...makes it easier.
Maybe I look at all of this differently than some...I want to have to fight for this...on my own. I don't want to depend on others to make it easier.
I agree with this.
I don't want it to be easier, I want temptations, so that I can teach myself no/yes/moderation or just indulged cause had a great workout this week or whatever.
Recently I bought a bag of chips to eat with a sandwich...had 1 serving and started to throw the rest away so that I wouldn't be tempted to eat the whole bag. Instead I put them in the cabinet just to see if I could control myself. They stayed up there so long that they went stale...had to throw them out. There was a point where I would have eaten the whole bag in one day.
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just break up.0
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Yes my Hubby does that too, but he too tries to act like he doesn't want me to notice his actions. He'll always want fried food and when I'm making something baked he'll ask me what im doing! Like I'm commiting a crime... He's out of control. The most I can tell you to do is share what he likes, if he brings donuts, eat one with him, but only one.0
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megantischner wrote: »What is considered "junk food"??
Why does he have to change his ways?? He's not on a diet, she is!!!why does support = giving up everything that one likes so that the other spouse can get what they want?
If OP does not want to eat donuts, then don't eat them, period.
He doesn't HAVE to. But if he was sincere in saying he wants to support OP ("He says he supports me in this and wants me to succeed"), then that could well mean not bringing food into the house that would tempt OP to pig out.
At the end of the day, yes, it's all up to OP to lose weight, with or without her husband's support -- but speaking from personal experience, having your husband support you does make it easier, especially in the beginning.
I agree with this. What's so wrong with being a little selfish? You say you want to help and support me - unless it actually involves doing something. I say there's no harm in asking for what you need. If your partner says no, then figure out alternative solutions without their help
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I'm deeply saddened by the lack of doughnuts in this thread. I should call my husband and tell him to bring some home, and not keep them in the car.
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PeachyCarol wrote: »Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
There is some truth to this, but expecting your spouse to at least not make a difficult thing more difficult is far from the same thing as expecting the entire world to accommodate you.0 -
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »PeachyCarol wrote: »Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
There is some truth to this, but expecting your spouse to at least not make a difficult thing more difficult is far from the same thing as expecting the entire world to accommodate you.
Why?? I never forced my family to change their eating habits just because I was working on losing weight.0 -
so the husband has to hide all the foods he likes in the car, and can't eat them in his house?
That's for the husband and wife to decide.and OP has indicated absolutely zero binging disorder, so for you to assume that is the care here is 1000% off base.
I've read enough of these posts to be able to read between the lines, as no doubt you have. OP would not be calling this behavior "husband sabotage" if her husband bringing donuts home was not causing her to have self-control issues.these threads always amaze me ..if relationships are a 50/50 deal why is it OK for the wife to tell him to stop eating everything he likes because she wants to lose weight????
First of all, relationships are seldom 50/50 on every issue. Secondly, if the wife has a health problem that requires behavior changes on the husband's part, than a loving, caring husband would make the required changes. For example, if the wife had asthma aggravated by smoking in the house, then I would expect the husband to not smoke in the house. My step-mother would not allow my father to smoke in the house with no health issues.
Second of all, no one is suggesting that the husband has to stop eating what he likes. The issue is bringing the donuts home. He is completely free to eat them outside the home.Bringing something into the house is not rubbing their noses in it. I suggested she ask him to put them away so she doesn't have to see them all the time. That's about all you can ask, imo.
It's not up to you to decide what is "rubbing your nose in it", though. Clearly OP feels like the husband bringing the donuts into the house is sabotaging her weight loss efforts. For some people, if it's in the house it's too easy to indulge.So he should never have any kind of foods he likes because she is on a diet?!?!
I never said that. OP does not say she has a problem with her husband eating donuts, just bringing them home. Presumably OP does not care if her husband goes and eats all the donuts he wants at the donut shop.I do the grocery shopping and when I was losing weight, I still bought my boys and hubby foods they like!! They don't have to be on the diet, I am, I can either work those foods in or don't have them at all!!!!!
Good for you! That is the healthy relationship everyone should strive for with food. Not everyone is there yet.
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I don't really see what the issue is. You don't need to DEMAND that he doesn't bring home donuts....I simply ASKED my boyf if he wouldn't mind keeping his packets of our favourite cookies in his office rather than the kitchen.
He doesn't care where the cookies are as long as he can access them!0 -
PrizePopple wrote: »I'm deeply saddened by the lack of doughnuts in this thread. I should call my husband and tell him to bring some home, and not keep them in the car.
For real... I would divorce if I found out my hubby ate donuts in the car without bringing me any.
Also donuts!:
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »PeachyCarol wrote: »Anyone thinking in a mindset of "sabotage" is starting off on the wrong foot. I'm not even going to address the specific poster in this thread, I'm just going to put the whole thought out there.
Getting control over our own food intake is no one else's job. The world does not have to accommodate the fact that each of us have issues with it. That's our problem. We need to learn to handle multiple temptations in all sorts of situations, and that begins at home.
Expecting someone else to change because you're changing? Flip that scenario around? How put upon would you feel? And before anyone jumps in and says that they'd do it for their spouse out of WUV, think long and hard about changing all your habits out of the blue.
So all of you who believe in the concept of sabotage, just how do you deal with temptation at all? Honestly.
Weight loss and maintenance have abysmal long-term success rates, and I think a mindset like this might be one of the many factors why.
There is some truth to this, but expecting your spouse to at least not make a difficult thing more difficult is far from the same thing as expecting the entire world to accommodate you.
Why??
Why is it different? Because one is your spouse and the other is a world full of mostly strangers.0 -
This thread is sabotaging me,cause now all I want for dinner is yummy cream filled donuts.0
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maillemaker wrote: »so the husband has to hide all the foods he likes in the car, and can't eat them in his house?
That's for the husband and wife to decide.and OP has indicated absolutely zero binging disorder, so for you to assume that is the care here is 1000% off base.
I've read enough of these posts to be able to read between the lines, as no doubt you have. OP would not be calling this behavior "husband sabotage" if her husband bringing donuts home was not causing her to have self-control issues.these threads always amaze me ..if relationships are a 50/50 deal why is it OK for the wife to tell him to stop eating everything he likes because she wants to lose weight????
First of all, relationships are seldom 50/50 on every issue. Secondly, if the wife has a health problem that requires behavior changes on the husband's part, than a loving, caring husband would make the required changes. For example, if the wife had asthma aggravated by smoking in the house, then I would expect the husband to not smoke in the house. My step-mother would not allow my father to smoke in the house with no health issues.
Second of all, no one is suggesting that the husband has to stop eating what he likes. The issue is bringing the donuts home. He is completely free to eat them outside the home.Bringing something into the house is not rubbing their noses in it. I suggested she ask him to put them away so she doesn't have to see them all the time. That's about all you can ask, imo.
It's not up to you to decide what is "rubbing your nose in it", though. Clearly OP feels like the husband bringing the donuts into the house is sabotaging her weight loss efforts. For some people, if it's in the house it's too easy to indulge.So he should never have any kind of foods he likes because she is on a diet?!?!
I never said that. OP does not say she has a problem with her husband eating donuts, just bringing them home. Presumably OP does not care if her husband goes and eats all the donuts he wants at the donut shop.I do the grocery shopping and when I was losing weight, I still bought my boys and hubby foods they like!! They don't have to be on the diet, I am, I can either work those foods in or don't have them at all!!!!!
Good for you! That is the healthy relationship everyone should strive for with food. Not everyone is there yet.
you have no clue that she has a binging problem, and just because you think that you can "read between the lines" and see it, does not make it true. No where in this thread has OP said that she binges, so to assume that she does, just because you think it is utterly ridiculous and indicates a serious flaw in your thinking.
wait, you said that the husband should accommodate the wife, but now you say that is for them to decide? Move the goal posts much?0 -
Donuts > spouse
EVERY TIME!0 -
[/quote]
There is some truth to this, but expecting your spouse to at least not make a difficult thing more difficult is far from the same thing as expecting the entire world to accommodate you. [/quote]
^This. I understand that our battle with food really comes down to ourselves, but let's face it, often overeating can be symptomatic of other things, and hopefully a spouse would be supportive of what their SO is dealing with. As another poster mentioned, we aren't all there yet, whether it be the ability to create an iron willpower or a very healthy relationship.0 -
you have no clue that she has a binging problem, and just because you think that you can "read between the lines" and see it, does not make it true. No where in this thread has OP said that she binges, so to assume that she does, just because you think it is utterly ridiculous and indicates a serious flaw in your thinking.
I have not said anything about binging - you are the one who brought that up. I said she obviously has self-control issues if she feels, by her own words, that her husband bringing donuts home is sabotaging her diet efforts.
If she had no self-control issues, why would this be considered saboteur? She would simply ignore the donuts.wait, you said that the husband should accommodate the wife, but now you say that is for them to decide? Move the goal posts much?
Yes, I believe the husband should accommodate the wife, but ultimately it is for them both to decide.
It is no different than my step-mother who doesn't allow my father to smoke in the house. Yes, I think my father, the one making the pollution, should accommodate his wife. But ultimately, it's up to them to decide how to resolve the situation.0
This discussion has been closed.
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