Why request friends if you're not going to interact?

JaneiR36 wrote: »

WinoGelato wrote: »

OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?

I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.

Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)

Presumably many of those friends came about through interactions in the forums, so I suspect many of them have seen this thread already. They probably now have their answer as to why they were deleted, if they were wondering!

JaneiR36 wrote: »

WinoGelato wrote: »

OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?

I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.

Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)

Instead, we now get drama for everyone! Wheeee!!!

emhunter wrote: »

WinoGelato wrote: »

JaneiR36 wrote: »

WinoGelato wrote: »

OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?

I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.

Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)

Presumably many of those friends came about through interactions in the forums, so I suspect many of them have seen this thread already. They probably now have their answer as to why they were deleted, if they were wondering!

@WinoGelato Your speculations are wrong and full of inaccurate assumptions. Again, I ask that you please stay on topic.

This entire thread has been speculative in nature. You started a thread saying you didn't understand why people send you a friend request and then fail to interact to your level of expectations. You asked the community to offer opinions why that might be (speculation). You got several comments with different reasons why that might be the case. I'm simply asking if you've now gone back and validated any of those theories with the people you are describing in your OP, otherwise it is simply just speculation. I fail to see how that is off topic.

If these friend requests didn't initiate out of seeing your posts in the forums, how did people find you, I'm genuinely curious? Most of my FL was generated because I saw posts in the forums and we had common interests or opinions.

When I see someone on my FL has posted a topic in the forums I generally take a look to see what they are discussing. It's often a better way to interact than through the news feed. I figured some of the people on your FL, the interactive ones and the ones who are less so, have seen this thread.

Cryptonomnomicon wrote: »

Well I can say I interact with my FL and have grown familiar with quite a few of them over the years BUT I also have commitments outside of the feed, as do my friends. If someone writes something on my wall or messages me I respond but the majority of my FL is self sufficient and long time members so most of us don't really bother with the superfluous "WTG! Good job!" etc on what has become habitual; such as logging streaks or finishing diaries. We tend to support each other when it comes to more personal tribulations or if we are seeking advice be it regarding lifting, nutrition etc. More often than not we are there for each other when we need it. I like low maintenance friends...not unlike real life.

Different strokes for different folks.

This 100%!

heybales wrote: »

I've never sent a request out, and only except ones with a message as to why, unless I recognize the name from a group I support, or friend of friend.

I only post exercise, and state from time to time I don't need comments or nods of support so don't feel obligated, the workout is being done no matter what, but several have said they get ideas and reminders from my verbose workout notes, or ask questions to learn something.

I'll share studies and ideas and general encouragement too.

After logging in a couple times daily, I'll look back over the past 3 hr window and comment on others workouts and posts if something there besides generic posting, or at least a like if I know they are same with their workouts as I am with mine.

I only clean up the FL when I remember to, with those with no login over a month being deleted, unless they posted why they'd be gone, or I'm one of only 6 friends.

So there are lots of folks out there that could be used to my and others methods where we expect or need nothing in return, and our posts are likely being used for encouragement. Or forgotten.
So when these folks see your posts, they may like the tact you take and want to feel inspired and so friend you - but not realizing they are expected to be inspiring in return.

I am apart of a group, at 1st I considered sending everyone there a friend request, since we had that in common but then I decided to wait, until the end of the challenge & then only send requests, to those that stayed committed to the end. It's a private group & after the 1st weekly chart, was created by our leader, she informed us that she sent 352 invites (to people that requested them), we got only 223 members to join (from those invites) & then only 172 (including myself) actually weighed in. Our leader only deletes someone, if they miss 2 weeks of weigh ins. So now after only 5 weeks into an 11 week challenge, we only have 144 members left.

OP, I completely agree with you!

A couple weeks ago I had enough... after being spammed by someone with 'likes' on feeds which mentioned I failed to meet my daily goals & as an anorexic, was continuing to lose weight... there's nothing supportive about that, I deleted them. I got the impression they hadn't even bothered to read the feed, & all the while I've been checking up on them & supporting them with advice {?!} Not that I ever got any acknowledgement {?!!! }... That person was clearly very self-centred. This isn't facebook & I'm not going to go down peoples feeds, spamming them with likes, just to get liked back.

...

WinoGelato question was on topic though, so fully disagreeing with you there.

emhunter wrote: »

I am satisfied with the friends I already have, but occasionally I receive friend requests and accept the request, only to find out that the friend is silent on my posts all the time. Or that they never bother to be social and comment on anyone's post besides their own. It seems counterproductive to me.

I comment on all of my friends' posts almost every day, but inevitably end up with friends that never comment on my posts, or exert any energy towards supporting anyone else. I feel bad deleting the person, but eventually I do. My question is for those that do this, is why? Why send a friend request if you don't bother to read that persons profile or interact with them or return the support they are giving you? It seems like it would be easier to save your energy and not request someone just to end up getting deleted.

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I don't post anything to my newsfeed, and don't read other people's posts. I did when I first started, but it got too much for me for various reasons (nothing to do with what my friends had posted as such). I've had a couple of friend requests since I've stopped reading/posting, and have told them that I'm not active on the feed and I'll understand if they delete me.

I'm using MFP my way, others are using it their way, and there's room for all of us.

kkenseth wrote: »

emhunter wrote: »

No I asked why did the people that do this, do it. No speculation there.

My family comes first, I have a full time job, life happens and sometimes posts just aren't interesting.

Ditto. I have some amazing people on my friends list that are interesting and inspiring, but I just don't have the time to interact with all of them all the time. I do like checking their pages and reading updates when I'm able to.

_Terrapin_ wrote: »

nakedraygun wrote: »

Cranquistador wrote: »

nakedraygun wrote: »

Insofar as size of FL and whether I delete a contact or not, If I accept your messageless FR and then go out of my to way to introduce myself to you on your wall, you better dang well reciprocate. Clicking the stupid like button is meaningless.

So you like to give as well as receive.

Of course. Happiness all around.

kkenseth wrote: »

nakedraygun wrote: »

Insofar as size of FL and whether I delete a contact or not, If I accept your messageless FR and then go out of my to way to introduce myself to you on your wall, you better dang well reciprocate. Clicking the stupid like button is meaningless.

If I friend request you without a message, you better accept without talking about me on your wall first with the wrong freaking name.

Jus' sayin'

Whatever Kerry.

Uh oh.....thought it was Katy. I even had a neat little reminder.....the 'y' at the end 'cause I thought they cared.

Could be Kammie. Or Kitaro. Or Kipp.

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This is an interesting thread. Having a background in psychology and education, I’ve always been curious about the idea of encouragement and how that affects outcomes whether personal or school/work related. I just recently read an article that I think may have some relevance here (Psychology of Encouragement –it is quite long but worth at least skimming through if you have the time)

This article shared four dimensions of encouragement

1. Positive view of self
2. Positive view of others
3. Openness to experiences different from their perceived “norm”
4. Sense of belonging

Based on this list, I would assert that each of us are at different levels requiring (or not) different types of encouragement. Some may already feel confident in themselves and ready to tackle anything that life throws at them without the need to have someone reassure them. Others may not quite be there yet and could use an extra “push” however that is defined by the person.

I can attest to the feeling of being super overwhelmed when I first knew I wanted to lose weight. I was also uncertain of what to do or where to start and lacked confidence. At that time, I had a few friends who pushed me through with encouraging comments even when I did not say much back other than what everyone else was saying (i.e. Good job!). That is because I was at a different stage in this journey than I am today.

Now, I am trying to pay it forward so-to-speak to help others who may need that extra help. While I would appreciate the reciprocal feedback, at the same time I remember what it was like when I started. I believe putting things in perspective like this may help each one of us decide how to progress. After all, we all have a choice on how to handle our friend requests.

For me personally, I enjoy a small group of people because it gives me the ability to comment. However, others may need more friends because of where they are on their journey. That doesn’t mean they are necessarily taking advantage of others. Once we all realize we are not necessarily at the same point, I think it may be easier to digest the lack of some people’s participation. That said, if this is a concern for you, there’s nothing wrong with the delete button because as selfish as this may seem, you are doing this for you and no one else.

TL;DR – Each of us are on a different part of our weight loss journey meaning we may need more or less support from others (i.e. encouragement). It is up to each person to decide how to handle what type of support is needed/wanted. If you want lots of commenters, look for those people who are active (the forums like this are a great place to start). If you would rather help others, again the forum is also a good place that doesn’t involve the need to even have friends. The choice is yours! Just remember we all cannot be put into a box and assume what works for one works for all – find what works for you and do it.

Just my thoughts.

emhunter wrote: »

I would say that many of us that ask for friends that reciprocate positive energy don't REQUIRE encouragement. My initial concern was the perception that they were only takers and thought it was just not polite to not acknowledge your "friends." And initially thought those people were rude. Now others have pointed out why they do it and it makes sense to me now.

Honestly, I used to think the same thing which is one of the reasons I was drawn to this thread. I guess after reflecting on myself a bit, I tried to put myself in their shoes. Of course, I definitely want to keep up the positive energy. I used to have a couple of friends who were constantly negative and no matter what anyone said in the way of encouragement (or whatever), they would have a rebuttal. It got to the point where I decided deleting was the way to go after realizing my mood changed as soon as I logged on. That said, if someone wants to vent, I don't mind. It only gets overbearing if it's constant especially if it's over the same thing. It's all about the way people frame their thought.

I think this was a good question to get out there in the open even with all the of opinions on the subject. I enjoy a healthy debate although admittedly it can get a little hairy in a public forum like this since presumably, we don't know each other. But remember you are doing this for you so decide what will help you in the long run.