My son called me fat.
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Someone on here recommended Dr. Beck's diet solution to another poster and I decided to check it out for myself. It's not a diet book per say, but uses cognitive therapy to help you finally achieve your goals. I've found it very helpful. It addresses your behavior with the Reeses. Every kid says something hurtful to their parents at one point or another, just wait till he's a teen! Seriously tho, he's just five and probably learned that from elsewhere. Let his noticing your current weight be one of the motivations to get you on track to a healthier you.0
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Your son is a bully.
What? Did you miss the part where she said he was 5?
OP why would this make you cry ..he's absorbed the word fattie as an insult and you need to address how it's not ok to ever comment on anyone's appearance
He won't be embarrassed about you..you're his mother ..it will be fine
Now if you want to drop weight that's another thing...you just have to stick to your calorie defecit across the week
That's where it starts. Bully regardless.
When did the definition of "bully" get so distorted??? It used to mean something. Now it's synonymous with someone getting their feelings hurt.
What actual power, real or perceived, is this five year old exerting over her?
(ETA: Ah, I see that someone else already addressed this. Good. I was beginning to think I was the only one fighting this battle.)0 -
And that's possible too. When my DD came home one time at 5 after school asking me what "nerd" meant, I first asked her where she heard it. Lol, she said from mom.
Oh please. You ever wonder where name calling behavior comes from? Kids don't learn it from animals. Between 1-5 years old, children emulate what parents do. So if a kid has a nick name (which lots do), it's not unnatural for a child to make up a name for the parent. If fatty came up, they learned it from more than likely from the parent.Name-calling a parent, even at the age of five, suggests that parental authority and limits on behavior have not been sufficiently established.
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I don't think I've ever uttered the word "fatty" around him. I would imagine he heard it at school.
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Doubt it..............................we just hired Chip Kelly.I try to think about this from a 5 year old's perspective:
"Don't you ever lie to me or you gonna get it."
"It's okay to lie sometimes so you don't hurt people's feelings."
"It's better to just keep your mouth shut."
"It's good to express your feelings."
Now honestly, he's trying to decide what's avenue to take when he wants to say something after hearing stuff like this?
WE ARE THE ADULTS HERE. Understand that he's just conveying what he sees with what limited knowledge he has. If it's an adolecent or teen fine. But come on now. It's a child.
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I love everything in your post except the picture of the Niners! lol Go JETS..ok, maybe next season?
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Oh NO! Good luck with that..Philly's scraps!0 -
Oh please. You ever wonder where name calling behavior comes from? Kids don't learn it from animals. Between 1-5 years old, children emulate what parents do. So if a kid has a nick name (which lots do), it's not unnatural for a child to make up a name for the parent. If fatty came up, they learned it from more than likely from the parent.Name-calling a parent, even at the age of five, suggests that parental authority and limits on behavior have not been sufficiently established.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Seriously? Are you even a parent. By the time a child is 5, they have been exposed to a lot of people besides their parents. This could have come from any one or any where. TV, other children, other adults, school, church. They are not totally sheltered from all the cruelty in the world and compared to a generation ago, there is a lot more information they can get, from numerous sources that previous generation never had.
This woman does not deserve this kind of comment.0 -
SeptemberFeyre wrote: »Someone on here recommended Dr. Beck's diet solution to another poster and I decided to check it out for myself. It's not a diet book per say, but uses cognitive therapy to help you finally achieve your goals. I've found it very helpful. It addresses your behavior with the Reeses....
Yes, the cognitive/behavioral techniques I learned when I drank too much are useful for addressing food issues as well.
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Blaming 5 year old for being five year old, blaming mom for not parenting right because five year old did five year old things, name calling, and semantics. Have I missed anything?
OP, your son is testing the boundaries, as all children do. He probably heard someone else say it and watched them get a reaction, so he tried it. He's not a bully, and won't be unless he's not taught that when someone responds tearfully, that their words were hurtful. But you know that.
The fact that you are still this upset tells me you are upset with your body and need to take charge of that. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! I promise it will be worth it for you and yourself. If it is this upsetting for you, you may want to seek professional help to deal with body image.0 -
If I ever called my mother something like that, my father would have made it so I never would even *think* to utter such disrespectful words ever again... but that's another issue.
I'm thinking you have some self-confidence issues. Hey, we ALL fail at something...every day! What distinguishes successful and non-successful people are the ones who get back up every single day and try again. So you messed up today, tomorrow is a chance to start over again. You have to take control and silence the voice that wants to concentrate on the failures. You have to decide not to allow self-loathing to become a lifestyle and break the cycle. It is up to YOU and no one else.
I suggest maybe talking to a therapist to get at the root of your problem, and when you start to see yourself in a more positive light, you'll see longer term success.
Good luck.
It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.
OP - haven't had the chance to read through all the other comments as yet, so this may have already been addressed, I wonder if your problems lie with the burden of being a "perfectionist'.
Weight loss and the life changes that it entails is a journey (sorry for the cliche word but it does fit) and you are going to have to come to terms with all the positives and negatives that 'journey' involves.
Successful weight loss I think involves your acknowledgment that it is impossible to expect perfection from yourself, accept that some days will be better than others, weight loss is not linear, embrace the qualities of patience and persistence and keeping going forward.
I am glad you had a talk with your Son and that he understands the power that words can have.
That said, maybe you would be helped by getting a support network around you so that you can work on garnering the inner strength and resolve to not let what others say derail you to this point....you can only ever control yourself, so if you feel you need help with self esteem etc there is certainly no shame in seeking professional help in this area.
I wish you all the best.
For now though, look at this as others have suggested, every day is a new day. Start over, make realistic goals, eat foods you enjoy, have a sensible and attainable deficit, log everything you eat after you have weighed it with digital scales and get in some exercise that you like (if you so wish).
Good luck0 -
My 7 year old son told me my booty was the size of a rhino. It motivated me to get up and get on it but I also made him my "personal trainer" so he can see just how hard it is to lose weight and get healthy. (He's a string bean BTW...)
I'm now down 20 pounds and he is my biggest fan. Cheers me on and pushes me to exercise. Even when it's freezing outside he'll put on his layers of clothes just to join me on my walk. We are BOTH building healthy habits now.0 -
snowflake930 wrote: »
Oh please. You ever wonder where name calling behavior comes from? Kids don't learn it from animals. Between 1-5 years old, children emulate what parents do. So if a kid has a nick name (which lots do), it's not unnatural for a child to make up a name for the parent. If fatty came up, they learned it from more than likely from the parent.Name-calling a parent, even at the age of five, suggests that parental authority and limits on behavior have not been sufficiently established.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Seriously? Are you even a parent. By the time a child is 5, they have been exposed to a lot of people besides their parents. This could have come from any one or any where. TV, other children, other adults, school, church. They are not totally sheltered from all the cruelty in the world and compared to a generation ago, there is a lot more information they can get, from numerous sources that previous generation never had.
This woman does not deserve this kind of comment.
Exactly. @ninerbuff - kids say ridiculous things all the time that their parents NEVER say. I told my parents when I was 6 and mad at my mom that I was glad I was adopted. I KNOW she never said that to me. Kids get mad at parents all the time and say, "I don't love you!" Is it because their parents said it to them? Doubtful.0 -
Very aware that a child of 5 may have had lots of exposure to other sources. But he's 5!!!!!!! Even if he learned it from somewhere else, many here are up in line about the OP having to teach this boy correctly because of the comment. It's basically an innocent comment where the boy was being truthful and not maliced.snowflake930 wrote: »
Oh please. You ever wonder where name calling behavior comes from? Kids don't learn it from animals. Between 1-5 years old, children emulate what parents do. So if a kid has a nick name (which lots do), it's not unnatural for a child to make up a name for the parent. If fatty came up, they learned it from more than likely from the parent.Name-calling a parent, even at the age of five, suggests that parental authority and limits on behavior have not been sufficiently established.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Seriously? Are you even a parent. By the time a child is 5, they have been exposed to a lot of people besides their parents. This could have come from any one or any where. TV, other children, other adults, school, church. They are not totally sheltered from all the cruelty in the world and compared to a generation ago, there is a lot more information they can get, from numerous sources that previous generation never had.
This woman does not deserve this kind of comment.
I was one time told that I talk "mean" to my daughter. I'm like "WUT"? And my friend said I sounded like I'm always angry with her. So out of curiousity, I filmed myself for 5 hours to see how I reacted to her. And I was appalled at how I sounded and really couldn't recall some the the words I said to her. And I have a pretty good memory. My friend was right, the tone I used could be construed as "angry" when it was just a really monotone voice. Now I'm much more aware and take a little more time to try to convey what I want to say to her without it sounding angry when I'm not.
Lol, maybe my "tough" tone carried over from beating up on clients.
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tara_means_star wrote: »Shanel0916 wrote: »You raised him, so somewhere along the way this is what he has been taught to do and he is only 5 what a shame.
This makes me want to resort to name calling but I have more self control that a five year old so I don't. I suppose you've never said something you regret when angry. I suppose every hurtful thing you have ever said or done was something you learned from your mother. Kids at school don't name call. Television certainly doesn't make fun of people for being fat. MUST be the parenting
Yes it all boils down to parenting, you can correct what they learn in school, you can control what they watch on television. So yes its her parenting style or the father's, who is not mentioned. He is only 5, I have a 4 year old myself and he has never done this, and if he does it would be corrected immediately. I wouldn't sit in a corner and cry about what a 5 year old said that's for sure.-1 -
I'm sure we've all heard hurtful words about our appearance at one time or another. It always hurts, no matter the context. I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm not a parent, and this isn't a parenting website, so I'll say no more on the subject.
Now, onto weight loss. I have several suggestions. I think it's OK to indulge sometimes, in moderation. I cannot survive without chocolate! I buy Hershey dark chocolate nuggets and try to limit myself to two a day. Some people have one cheat day a week. Without allowing yourself to eat some "bad" foods every now in then, you'll go insane! AND you'll be much more likely to binge. The key is moderation.
The other struggle is finding foods that have the most bang for their buck. You need to find things that make you feel full and satisfied without ruining your calorie limit for the day. Veggies and fruits are always great! Low calorie, filling, make you feel good. I take bananas, apples, peaches, clementines, etc. with me to work. They're easy to throw in a bag and take with me. I keep string cheese in the communal fridge at work. I also largely rely on tea and water -- 0 calories and good for you! Popcorn is actually a great snack in moderation (without all the movie theater butter). For breakfast, I like to eat eggs and half a piece of toast or shredded wheat (unfrosted!) with lowfat milk. If making eggs every day is too much work, then you can hard boil a half dozen or so. Egg Beaters is a quick alternative. Personally, I hate salads! You can still get protein and veggies in other forms. Cut out the bad -- fried foods, alcohol, desserts; MyFitnessPal can help you identify the high calorie foods you may not even know you're eating! Again it's ok to cheat every now and then, but keep it in small portions! If you start eating more satisfying foods, you might actually feel better and like you have more energy. Consult blogs, magazines, Pinterest, and cookbooks for meal and snack ideas. If you slip up and go over calorie limit, try something different. Tomorrow is a new day. The beginning of weight loss is a lot of experimentation and creating good habits.
The next piece of the puzzle is exercise. At least for me, dieting alone is not enough to lose weight. You have to exercise. Start with taking walks in the morning, at lunch, and/or in the evening. Get a pedometer. Add some jogging intervals to your walk. You can also take a class (zumba, spin, strength), join a volleyball league, take a hike, swim laps, ride a bike, etc. Maybe just running around in the backyard with your kid! It's hard to get into the habit of exercise, but it is so worth it. Exercise makes you feel like you accomplished something and it creates a calorie deficit so you can actually eat more!
Lastly, STRESS! You sound incredibly busy and stressed. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the stress in your life is negatively impacting your weight loss journey and overall health. I think you should focus on feeling healthy and feeling good about yourself rather than tying your self worth to a number on a scale or the size of a piece of clothing. If you turn to food as a stress relief, then try to find something else. Someone mentioned a nice bath. Going on a walk or other exercise can be a great stress relief that also helps your weight loss journey. Everyone has different stresses in their lives and different things that make them feel relaxed, so that's something you'll have to explore.
Best of luck. You can do it! I'm sure you're being very hard on yourself - we are our own harshest critics! I'm sure your kid is very cute!0 -
My nieces are a little older, but I constantly hear them saying skinny and fat while playing. I kinda feel bad for their parents, both of them are obese. Both girls are starting to look at make up and one of their friends lost some weight.
ETA: I also remember saying a one of my sister's teachers in high school had a nose that was too big. XD0 -
Shanel0916 wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Shanel0916 wrote: »You raised him, so somewhere along the way this is what he has been taught to do and he is only 5 what a shame.
This makes me want to resort to name calling but I have more self control that a five year old so I don't. I suppose you've never said something you regret when angry. I suppose every hurtful thing you have ever said or done was something you learned from your mother. Kids at school don't name call. Television certainly doesn't make fun of people for being fat. MUST be the parenting
Yes it all boils down to parenting, you can correct what they learn in school, you can control what they watch on television. So yes its her parenting style or the father's, who is not mentioned. He is only 5, I have a 4 year old myself and he has never done this, and if he does it would be corrected immediately. I wouldn't sit in a corner and cry about what a 5 year old said that's for sure.
She did correct it so I'd say her parenting is safe.0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
Is this how you speak to your loved ones? It may be the norm in some families to use terms like "fatty" when angry, but (even when they are based in someone's genuine assessment of another) it isn't the norm in many families.
If my kids are acting like *kitten*, I tell them they are. If I'm acting like an *kitten*, they tell me. When I was fat, they said so.
Yes. I brought up my kids to be honest, and don't sugar coat things.0 -
LilSunflowerIsis wrote: »I hate that society has given the word "FAT" a negative connotation and so much power to make us feel less than.
It's because being fat is a negative attribute. No matter how you slice it. It's an outward sign of being unhealthy.
And, don't try to pull the nonsense of "You can be fat and healthy!"
No, you cannot.0 -
OP my son is 4 but when he kissed my belly and asked when the baby was coming I felt so hurt. I'm sorry you went through that and are still struggling through the day; maybe baby steps instead of tackling the whole thing at once?0
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A friend's little girl once overheard me say something about my knees being so bad and asked me, "is that when you are so fat/" She totally mortified her parents and the other people in the room who all paused in shock. I relied to her, "No honey I'm fat because I eat too much."
That was probably the first time I ever said that out loud even though I knew it was true. Little kids are so honest and it is good to be honest right back with them.
Anyway OP I noticed you said you are a perfectionist. So rather than focusing on your child's words and how they made you feel back I would like you to think about this.
When you make that effort to eat right for a day what does that mean to you? Do you start out right away going to the lowest calorie goal for the maximum weight loss? Do you "eat clean" immediately and cut out ALL of the foods you love completely?
I tried those kinds of things a few times and found them to be impossible.
How do you eat a bll of string? One inch at a time.
Maybe you need to ease up. Start yourself out just getting in the habit of logging all of your food and don't worry about losing weight or eating "healthy". Get used to using a scale and being aware of the food you put in your mouth and how many calories that is. Don't judge it as good or bad. Just notice what it is. Then maybe put yourself on a .5 pound a week loss for a while and get used to that. Pay attention to the numbers and find ways to eat healthy food but also work at least a little bit of what you love into every day. As you feel better about things and as you start to become more aware you may be able to increase your deficit for a larger loss. But no matter how slow it might be you will still be heading in the direction you want and every small achievement is going to help to build up your self confidence.
Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. No human on earth is perfect and you should give yourself permission to just be human. Just like for children, our mistakes are not failures they are teaching moments. The lessons are just different. You don't have to do everything perfectly. You just have to do your personal best.
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Could be worse. When my friend was 5, she was yelling at her mum and wanted to hurt her feelings. Calling her ugly wasn't good enough, and she knew that if people didn't like their nose they got a "nose job", but she wanted to expand a little and so she screamed at her mum "YOU NEED A HEAD JOB!!!"
Argument over. Mum had to go to her room and bury her face in a pillow until she stopped howling with laughter.
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Op, I'm going to skip all the silly advice on parenting that is going back and forth. You do you.
However, I was recently in a similar situation with one of my older daughters. I've gained some weight these last months and my daughter tapped on my stomach and said "getting slower?" .
Within our relationship it wasn't bullying, mean or problematic. Sure, it bothered me for a second, but she can honestly talk to me about it - and yes, it's also a motivator to get things together. Use it as such. Channel your self criticism and disappointment into - ok, what am I going to do about this?
Sometimes getting upset helps to move the switch to "IM ON IT".
Best of luck.
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coreyreichle wrote: »
I agree. Kids are brutally honest!
I got called fat when I was fat, because I was fat. Such is life. I didn't want to be fat anymore, so I lost weight.0 -
When I was 5 I called my mom fat. She slapped me. (She denies this, but it is burned in my memory of one of the 3 times she slapped me). But I only called her fat because she called herself fat in front of me. Kids also repeat what they here you say.0
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I don't actually think there's anything wrong with acknowledging someone is fat/overweight. Whatever you wanna call it. It is what it is. I like honesty and not playing pretend. Like two obese women telling each other how they don't eat anything. I'm the one saying "yep I have zero self control. Food, alcohol. I mean look at me, it should be obvious." lol
It's the taboo attached to it that's the problem. If only we were more open about it. That might even make it easier for people to get out of morbid obesity.
But speaking of alcohol. That's gotta be the best way to lose weight. Giving up alcohol. It can also *kitten* with your thyroid. And I know I get the munchies, grabbing a pizza on the way home from a night out. lol
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coreyreichle wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
Is this how you speak to your loved ones? It may be the norm in some families to use terms like "fatty" when angry, but (even when they are based in someone's genuine assessment of another) it isn't the norm in many families.
If my kids are acting like *kitten*, I tell them they are. If I'm acting like an *kitten*, they tell me. When I was fat, they said so.
Yes. I brought up my kids to be honest, and don't sugar coat things.
Families have different ways of interacting with each other. It's certainly possible to be honest without name-calling or using language, in anger, that is designed to hurt people.0 -
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No one's parenting is or should be at issue here, as this is a fitness site not a parenting site. Please keep the focus ON the OPs fitness issue and off of the parenting hot-topic. If parenting continues to be an issue in this discussion, it will likely be closed.
I leave you with a wish that we can all get along as well as my pooches:
See?
Anyway, happy Friday Eve. And may the odds be ever in your favor.
Cheers
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janejellyroll wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
Is this how you speak to your loved ones? It may be the norm in some families to use terms like "fatty" when angry, but (even when they are based in someone's genuine assessment of another) it isn't the norm in many families.
If my kids are acting like *kitten*, I tell them they are. If I'm acting like an *kitten*, they tell me. When I was fat, they said so.
Yes. I brought up my kids to be honest, and don't sugar coat things.
Families have different ways of interacting with each other. It's certainly possible to be honest without name-calling or using language, in anger, that is designed to hurt people.
I don't think raising kids to be honest, and raising kids to be tactful and not hurtful is mutually exclusive.
If your kid mentions you being fat in the context of a conversation, and you are, then maybe getting upset over it is unnecessary.
If your kid says you're fat, and it was not in the context of a conversation or a question, then then maybe getting upset over it is unnecessary but you should have a talk to them about being tactful and how, although some things might be true, it also isn't appropriate to state baldly in that manner.
If your kid tells you you're fat with the intention of being hurtful then they need to be educated on not being deliberately rude and hurtful.
Just because something is true doesn't make it OK for a kid, or an adult for that matter, to throw it in someone's face.0 -
Does he know you're sensitive about your weight? That may be why he said it. Just to hurt you when he was upset, absolutely not because he's ashamed of you!
My son is only three, and my boyfriend and I watch how we talk about weight and body issues very carefully.
Calling people names like fat, being ashamed of your body are all learned behaviors. When I was younger (hard to believe this, but) I battled anorexia and bulimia. My Mother tried putting me on a diet when I wasn't even in first grade because I was a little chubby kid and she would say she didnt want me to be fat like her when I grew up. That it's so hard being fat and life is just easier if you can be thin.
I'm going off topic-- I'm sorry, but I just wanted to try suggesting maybe give yourself some self love infront of your son? Maybe don't talk about losing weight, but wanting to get back in shape and be healthy.
That's what I say to my son when he asks why I'm working out. Mommy wants to be in better shape so I can be nice and healthy and be around for a long time.0 -
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Yep. It's much more common to learn stuff from a parent at home at that age than a stranger or just people they run into.When I was 5 I called my mom fat. She slapped me. (She denies this, but it is burned in my memory of one of the 3 times she slapped me). But I only called her fat because she called herself fat in front of me. Kids also repeat what they here you say.
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