helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
WeekendWarriorTX
Posts: 1,844 Member
my wife was heavy when we married 3 years ago, so I know it is somewhat unfair for me to "expect" her to lose weight, but she has been saying for longer than our marriage that she wants to lose weight. i joined the national guard before we married, and she said that while i was in basic training (fall of 2012) that she would lose weight while i was gone knowing that i would lose a bunch. She didn't lose weight and i came back weighing less than her (i'm 6'4", she's 5'7"). then in the spring of 2013 she said she wanted to lose weight for our wedding, she didn't. then she joined weight watchers at work, with minimal results over the past 2 years. Last year i went on a deployment and was gone for a total of 12 months including training, and she said she was going to lose weight while i was gone. the 5-10 pounds she lost during that time she gained back in the month after my return.
her weight has severe self esteem ramifications, and that in turn is very detrimental to our marriage. i am a very exercise oriented person, and I have successfully lost a lot of weight in the past, and moderate amounts when i've let myself go for a few months. I know how to lose weight, but any advice i give is met with hostility and she thinks i'm being judgmental and condescending. I know after over 3 years of hearing about plans to lose weight with no results, i've lost a lot of patience and probably could be "nicer", but her way and her time are simply not getting it done. she does suffer from anxiety which has an impact on her motivation to work out. it has gotten to where every little poor choice she makes, whether it being too tired to exercise, or lolly gagging too much in the mornings to pack her own lunch forcing her to have to go out to eat puts me in a bad mood and causes fights. i feel like every decision she makes that is detrimental to her losing weight is an act of not caring about herself or our marriage.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. how do i help motivate her without turning into a drill sgt? i invite her to the fitness center to run with me, but she will say she didn't sleep well or is too tired to go, or she will say she will stay home and do her PiYo workout, but if she doesn't stop it early b/c "she was coughing too much" she does it pretty half assly, pardon the language.
her weight has severe self esteem ramifications, and that in turn is very detrimental to our marriage. i am a very exercise oriented person, and I have successfully lost a lot of weight in the past, and moderate amounts when i've let myself go for a few months. I know how to lose weight, but any advice i give is met with hostility and she thinks i'm being judgmental and condescending. I know after over 3 years of hearing about plans to lose weight with no results, i've lost a lot of patience and probably could be "nicer", but her way and her time are simply not getting it done. she does suffer from anxiety which has an impact on her motivation to work out. it has gotten to where every little poor choice she makes, whether it being too tired to exercise, or lolly gagging too much in the mornings to pack her own lunch forcing her to have to go out to eat puts me in a bad mood and causes fights. i feel like every decision she makes that is detrimental to her losing weight is an act of not caring about herself or our marriage.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. how do i help motivate her without turning into a drill sgt? i invite her to the fitness center to run with me, but she will say she didn't sleep well or is too tired to go, or she will say she will stay home and do her PiYo workout, but if she doesn't stop it early b/c "she was coughing too much" she does it pretty half assly, pardon the language.
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She's shown you for years that she prefers talking about losing weight to actually losing weight. Maybe she will change someday. But it's also possible that she won't. Can you continue to live with her as she is?0
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It sounds like it isn't even the weight loss that matters the most to you, but the fact that she keeps saying she's going to do something but then doesn't follow through. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot you can do for her until she is ready to do it herself. My best advice would be to seek marriage counseling. There is a lack of trust between you two right now and it is hurting your marriage. She obviously needs some help with her self-esteem and whatever problems are causing her to just give up on follow-through type situations.0
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janejellyroll wrote: »She's shown you for years that she prefers talking about losing weight to actually losing weight. Maybe she will change someday. But it's also possible that she won't. Can you continue to live with her as she is?
honestly, at this point it is far less about the actual weight and more about her showing she cares. Her psych doctor she goes to for anxiety/depression has been telling her for years that exercise will help with her situation, but she doesn't do it. her obgyn has recommended that she lose 25 lbs before getting pregnant, but she ignores that saying that it was just a suggestion, not something she has to do. her weight/self esteem has an effect on her libido and her general amount of energy to do anything other than sit on the couch. could i live with her weight? yes. can i live with her when i feel like she just doesn't care about her own health or the health of our marriage? idk, and that's why i'm reaching out.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »She's shown you for years that she prefers talking about losing weight to actually losing weight. Maybe she will change someday. But it's also possible that she won't. Can you continue to live with her as she is?
honestly, at this point it is far less about the actual weight and more about her showing she cares. Her psych doctor she goes to for anxiety/depression has been telling her for years that exercise will help with her situation, but she doesn't do it. her obgyn has recommended that she lose 25 lbs before getting pregnant, but she ignores that saying that it was just a suggestion, not something she has to do. her weight/self esteem has an effect on her libido and her general amount of energy to do anything other than sit on the couch. could i live with her weight? yes. can i live with her when i feel like she just doesn't care about her own health or the health of our marriage? idk, and that's why i'm reaching out.
That makes perfect sense. Have you two ever had joint counseling?0 -
janejellyroll wrote: »WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »She's shown you for years that she prefers talking about losing weight to actually losing weight. Maybe she will change someday. But it's also possible that she won't. Can you continue to live with her as she is?
honestly, at this point it is far less about the actual weight and more about her showing she cares. Her psych doctor she goes to for anxiety/depression has been telling her for years that exercise will help with her situation, but she doesn't do it. her obgyn has recommended that she lose 25 lbs before getting pregnant, but she ignores that saying that it was just a suggestion, not something she has to do. her weight/self esteem has an effect on her libido and her general amount of energy to do anything other than sit on the couch. could i live with her weight? yes. can i live with her when i feel like she just doesn't care about her own health or the health of our marriage? idk, and that's why i'm reaching out.
That makes perfect sense. Have you two ever had joint counseling?
we did before my deployment 1.5 years ago, and we've started the discussion about going back. it put us in a better place back then, but the results didn't last as there was no lifestyle change
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I did a lot of moaning about wanting to lose weight but not actually doing anything useful about it before I got serious. My OH wanted me to try his method and/or talk to my doctor, and was frustrated when I wouldn't. I finally got serious and committed to logging everything I eat in MFP. Since I hate to go in the red, that helps me be accountable for what I eat.
There are many ways to create the calorie deficit needed to lose weight, and she doesn't have to do your method, she just has do do something. But first, she needs to want to do something. Maybe if she came here and saw all the different ways people create a calorie deficit, that would help motivate her. She might be reassured that people don't have to starve themselves or give up all their favorite foods in order to lose weight.0 -
Thank you for explaining your whole situation. I honestly believe I lost my husband due to my weight. It took until he left until I cared enough to actually try. I'm definitely not saying for you to leave. In fact I suggest you have a true heart to heart with her and see a marriage counselor. That way if there are underlying issues like depression or anxiety that she doesn't share. She can figure it out and work on it. She needs to me motivated and committed herself in order to actually make changes. Just stand by her and be honest.0
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It sounds like it isn't even the weight loss that matters the most to you, but the fact that she keeps saying she's going to do something but then doesn't follow through. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot you can do for her until she is ready to do it herself. My best advice would be to seek marriage counseling. There is a lack of trust between you two right now and it is hurting your marriage. She obviously needs some help with her self-esteem and whatever problems are causing her to just give up on follow-through type situations.
Another vote for marriage counseling. This will create a safe space for you to have this discussion on how this is impacting your marriage.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »my wife was heavy when we married 3 years ago, so I know it is somewhat unfair for me to "expect" her to lose weight, but she has been saying for longer than our marriage that she wants to lose weight. i joined the national guard before we married, and she said that while i was in basic training (fall of 2012) that she would lose weight while i was gone knowing that i would lose a bunch. She didn't lose weight and i came back weighing less than her (i'm 6'4", she's 5'7"). then in the spring of 2013 she said she wanted to lose weight for our wedding, she didn't. then she joined weight watchers at work, with minimal results over the past 2 years. Last year i went on a deployment and was gone for a total of 12 months including training, and she said she was going to lose weight while i was gone. the 5-10 pounds she lost during that time she gained back in the month after my return.
her weight has severe self esteem ramifications, and that in turn is very detrimental to our marriage. i am a very exercise oriented person, and I have successfully lost a lot of weight in the past, and moderate amounts when i've let myself go for a few months. I know how to lose weight, but any advice i give is met with hostility and she thinks i'm being judgmental and condescending. I know after over 3 years of hearing about plans to lose weight with no results, i've lost a lot of patience and probably could be "nicer", but her way and her time are simply not getting it done. she does suffer from anxiety which has an impact on her motivation to work out. it has gotten to where every little poor choice she makes, whether it being too tired to exercise, or lolly gagging too much in the mornings to pack her own lunch forcing her to have to go out to eat puts me in a bad mood and causes fights. i feel like every decision she makes that is detrimental to her losing weight is an act of not caring about herself or our marriage.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. how do i help motivate her without turning into a drill sgt? i invite her to the fitness center to run with me, but she will say she didn't sleep well or is too tired to go, or she will say she will stay home and do her PiYo workout, but if she doesn't stop it early b/c "she was coughing too much" she does it pretty half assly, pardon the language.
You can't. Some people prefer to *kitten* about stuff, rather than doing the work required to solve the problem. Your wife may be one of those people.
Having said that, you taking her lack of self-care and motivation as an act of not caring about your marriage is on you. If it's worth it to you, you can try counseling with the explicit goal of working on the communication between the two of you. Keep in mind that she may not want to put in the effort in counseling, either, in which case, you need to decide for yourself where your limit is.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »She's shown you for years that she prefers talking about losing weight to actually losing weight. Maybe she will change someday. But it's also possible that she won't. Can you continue to live with her as she is?
honestly, at this point it is far less about the actual weight and more about her showing she cares. Her psych doctor she goes to for anxiety/depression has been telling her for years that exercise will help with her situation, but she doesn't do it. her obgyn has recommended that she lose 25 lbs before getting pregnant, but she ignores that saying that it was just a suggestion, not something she has to do. her weight/self esteem has an effect on her libido and her general amount of energy to do anything other than sit on the couch. could i live with her weight? yes. can i live with her when i feel like she just doesn't care about her own health or the health of our marriage? idk, and that's why i'm reaching out.
Is her psych doctor just a psychiatrist who mostly prescribes her pills? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the type of therapy most useful for helping people lose weight.0 -
I applaud you for trying, caring and still looking for options. I did this to my husband in the beginning. I had to want it for myself before the change became permanent. Unfortunately, anything he said or did just made me feel judged. It's a rough cycle.0
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This is a tough one. I have put on a lot of weight since my husband and I met (partly through letting go, partly through laziness, partly through a twin pregnancy and partly through being diagnosed with a chronic illness that has necessitated long term steroid treatment) and have been unhappy since I got north of 195 (I wound up at 264 at the beginning of January). My husband has never made one comment about my weight in all that time but has continued to tell me he loves me and that I am beautiful. With his support I was ready to start my weight loss journey in January and am now 21.6lbs down already (he's also dropped 14lbs in the same time!).
If he had ever commented (even as a form of constructive criticism) on either my ability, need or desire to lose weight at any point in the last 4 years I would have been crushed. I don't think I could continue to love and respect someone for whom my appearance was such an important thing.
That being said, I do understand the frustration involved with someone repeatedly banging on abut something they want to do and then not following through. However, there's nothing you can do except back off. She will only lose weight properly and seriously when she is ready and nothing you say and do can make that day come any sooner in my experience.
I would just advise you to continue to extend your invitations to come along to the gym etc but make no other comment about anything she eats/doesn't eat/any exercise she does/doesn't do. If she moans about her weight simply say 'if you're unhappy, I'm ready to support you on your weight loss journey whenever you're ready, just let me know' and move on before you get annoyed with her or drawn into a point-making contest.
I hope that helps - I'm British and we don't do marriage counselling so much over here so I guess this is my version of what a marriage counsellor might say!0 -
IMO she showed you who she was before you married her and you married her anyway. She has continued to show you throughout your marriage. Either learn to live with that for the next 60 years or decide not to. But remember that you can only change you, you can't change her.0
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Lots of people want to lose weight but just don't get to it, and their marriages are fine. So, something else is wrong in the relationship, either you, her, or both. Counseling is worth a try, but don't go in with the exprctation that the therapist will convince your wife that you are right.
No kids yet?0 -
It took my husband realizing he'd likely leave me s young widow to decide he would start losing weight. Before that it was several years of him not really caring at all. Even now, he hates exercise. Despises it. But we figured out one active thing he enjoys doing---walking. We walk in parks and malls, I've finally gotten him to do tough hiking trails with me. We later figured out he really likes kayaking too. We started out looking for things to do for fun that didn't cost money (weveboth been in grad school and broke). The ideas I brought to him all involved him being more active and some of them, he actually turned out to love. It might be that a way to support her is to find something she likes and do it with her. If you can't find anything be creative....ask her to go with you for ballroom dance lessons, or something that is active that she doesn't think of as exercise, just as a start. I definitely agree with the idea of marriage counseling.0
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Ha, not going to lie, but this is something i constantly have to remind myself of.ModernRock wrote: »Lots of people want to lose weight but just don't get to it, and their marriages are fine. So, something else is wrong in the relationship, either you, her, or both. Counseling is worth a try, but don't go in with the exprctation that the therapist will convince your wife that you are right.
No kids yet?
no kids yet
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Totally agree with what others have said. Nobody can motivate anybody else; motivation, and the commitment that springs from it, always comes from within. Marriage counseling for the two of you, yes. Individual counseling for her, yes.
I'll add that pregnancy must absolutely be off the table as long as these issues lie between you and within her.0 -
She will have to come to it on her own. I'd suggest continuing to offer her to go with you to the gym etc, but don't push it. Maybe find out what she likes/wants to do/goals, and work toward that. Does she like swimming? Go to the beach. Talk a walk in the sand, swim in the ocean. If she's uncomfortable in public, there are private beaches. Does she like camping/outdoors? Go camping and take a hike/walk through the woods. But just remember you can't push her into it. It'll make her resent it even more.0
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My DH was heavy when we married. He talked about wanting to lose weight. He did nothing about it. I sometimes gain 5 lb in summer then lose it in the fall. Several years I asked if he wanted to work on weight loss together. He said yes. He did nothing. I just did my own thing, maintained my healthy weight and didn't take his inaction personally. Then one day 5 or 6 years later he decided to do it. He came up with his own plan and asked my help on a couple limited things--high protein breakfasts without eggs (didn't believe eating them daily was fine) and providing nutrition content for dinners. I offered no opinions/advice he didn't ask for, and I did do the things he asked. Ok, I did tell him I thought eggs were ok, but he insisted so I dropped it at that. He reached his 35 lb goal.
2 points:
1) people will come to it (or not) on their own time. Nothing you can do but set an example and enjoy your own health.
2) I detached from his goal. However & whenever was up to him.
Working with a counselor on how self esteem issues impact the marriage sounds good. You may have attitudes/habits that your OH feels impact the marriage adversely, too. It would be good for you to know about them so you can work on your part. Working on detachment from her weight loss goals might help you feel better, too. Best of luck to you!0 -
Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?
Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?0 -
Whitezombiegirl wrote: »Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?
Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?
it is a question that sneaks into my mindgrapes that scares me, so i try not to dwell on it too much right now. we are going to try counseling, so hopefully that helps.
thanks for all the advice. I will make a better effort to back off and give her space.0 -
Whitezombiegirl wrote: »Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?
Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?
Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.0 -
One thing my hubby and I learned in marriage counselling is sometimes it can be a good idea to write a letter. You get to think exactly how you want to word it and the other person has the ability to read and reread it. Also you make your point without interruption.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »Whitezombiegirl wrote: »Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?
Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?
Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.
On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »Whitezombiegirl wrote: »Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?
Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?
Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.
On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.
lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.0 -
I don't want to make light of your situation, but I recall one of the poorer decisions my parents made was to have my dad teach my mom to drive. Of course every time she set out with dad in the passenger seat turned in to a coaching session; unpleasant for both of them. It was a constant source of strain in the relationship. You hold the secret to weight loss and she can't hear it from you. You cannot be her coach on this weight loss enterprise. She has never connected intention with action, and the repeated failures likely has left her depressed and defeated. I think she needs a therapist or a life coach specifically to deal with her self image, self worth, and how to direct intention in to action. And it can't be you.
I think you also need to reconcile yourself with the idea that she might never change, and figure out if you can live with that.
If she won't go for help, get some counselling for yourself on what steps you may take next.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Whitezombiegirl wrote: »Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?
Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?
Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.
On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.
lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.
I don't think that marriage is all butterflies and rainbows but I also don't think that, overall, it is supposed to be hard. If there is a huge central problem in a marriage, there is nothing wrong with saying "we made a mistake, it's time to end it." There's no reason to be miserable for 60+ years of your life. I'm not telling the OP to leave his wife; I hope that counseling will help. But choosing years of unhappiness makes no sense.0 -
This is a tough place. Maybe her anxiety puts her in a place that she doesn't want to go to the gym. Or maybe just the thought that people may look at her may be preventing her from going. I would suggest asking her if she wants to go on a hike or bicycle ride and get active together without the gym. If she finds she really enjoys an activity, it may encourage her to continue especially If she notices she is feeling so much better about herself. Remember though, she wont change unless she wants to. Losing weight before getting pregnant though is a BIG health reality check! Being pregnant is so hard on your body. She could have many complications through pregnancy and labor being overweight or obese. Not to mention she could have difficulty getting pregnant. Something just needs to spark in her to get her going.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Whitezombiegirl wrote: »Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?
Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?
Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.
On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.
lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.
I don't think that marriage is all butterflies and rainbows but I also don't think that, overall, it is supposed to be hard. If there is a huge central problem in a marriage, there is nothing wrong with saying "we made a mistake, it's time to end it." There's no reason to be miserable for 60+ years of your life. I'm not telling the OP to leave his wife; I hope that counseling will help. But choosing years of unhappiness makes no sense.
It seems like the trend these days isn't to choose 60 years of misery but to give up way to easily. A huge percentage of my friends have been married and divorced (I'm only 26) and it seems like quite a few of them went into it with the idea that if it's hard then it's not right/working. In fact, I know very few people who stick with the marriage when it gets hard much less when it's been years of misery.0 -
+ 1 Marriage Counseling
You mentioned severe self esteem issues. Have you tried building her up where she is? Grab her butt. Tell her she's beautiful. Make conscious effort of it.
That being said, OH and I both did this, oh we're gonna lose weight. Oh we're gonna get a gym membership. Oh this. Oh that. We did a week. We tried the "military diet" (years ago) for about 8 minutes before running to the drive thru starving.
Then I got serious. And when he sees results, he gets serious for a few weeks too, and then not. He's just not there yet. I did hijack his diet though. I do the grocery shopping. I do the cooking. It's hard for him to eat a line of oreos like cereal if they aren't in the house! I don't agree to going out 3-5x a week any more, and he isn't gonna sit at a restaurant alone and eat. So, his diet has improved a little by proxy. She doesn't get up in the morning to pack her lunches? I would die if I had to get up to pack lunch. I pack both the night before, and I pack our breakfast lunch and 2 snacks. Take a financial swing at it. Show her how much she is spending eating out, and see if that gets a reaction.
And pick your line. If you can't live with this, don't. If you put solid effort in to make it work, and it doesn't, and you're miserable, there is nothing else you can do.0
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