not married

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foxyforce
foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
in Chit-Chat
I am so frustrated and just wanted to rant to those who have supported me (mfp) instead of all the people in my real life who just don't get it.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a HALF years. In that time I have finished my college diploma in social services, and I just graduated from a 4 year honours BA in psych. I am so goal oriented. I have always had an end game in mind for whatever it was that I was trying to accomplish. I knew that after my BA that I wanted to just work for a couple of years, full time, and you know, get married.

Not only has he never proposed, he knows I want to get married. I sat him down in the food court at the mall a few months ago because I am tired of being ****ed around. And I told him, I want kids, I want a family and if he wasn't in that game then we need to split. I also told him that when I was ready to be engaged, that I would get engaged.

I am not proposing to him. I have worked really hard at so many things in my life, and for once I want to depend on someone that I love to do something for me.

I am ready to be engaged. but 6 and a half years is even hard to consider leaving.

am I being totally irrational here. I feel like a fish that is too big for her bowl. i am so frustrated. All my friends and family say "when are you getting married?", but I have a feeling no one has even asked him...as if I can just marry myself. ugh.....I am stirring and livid!!!!
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Replies

  • rileamoyer
    rileamoyer Posts: 2,411 Member
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    time to fly free
  • SenoraMacias
    SenoraMacias Posts: 305 Member
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    First off- I haaaaaaaaaaaate the question "When are you getting married?" A.) Rude and B.) Obnoxious. That said- I don't think you're being rash. It's understandable you feel that way. I have felt that way in relationships. BUT it's ultimately up to you. You know what you will and won't settle for (GREAT quality to have), and sometimes you have to stick to your guns. Since you have verbalized your feelings to him, I would give it a little time, bring it up again, and if he still isn't quick on the draw, I'd do some soul searching and figure out if you can do this much longer. You've accomplished so much and sound like you have a ton to share with someone!
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    maybe he loves you but getting married is not important to him?
  • ShoeDeahva
    ShoeDeahva Posts: 82 Member
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    I need a little perspective. How old are you and how old is he?
  • crazyears
    crazyears Posts: 50
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    I feel your pain, it took my husband 10 years to propose! I tried for years to "force" him into it but would have felt awful if I thought I made him do it. The last few years were especially hard, I had to ask myself "Would I rather be with him and not married or without him?" For me the answer was easy but the situation was still difficult.
    Good Luck!!
  • millermichellelea
    millermichellelea Posts: 226
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    I walked that path many years ago. Truth is if he wanted to marry you - he would. If you were the one he planned on spending his life with, he would have proposed. I found out that mine was waiting for the right girl to come along and killing time with me. Don't stay unless you are okay spending many more years not married --- it hurts to walk away, but hurts more five years down the road. Best of luck --
  • wbond
    wbond Posts: 363 Member
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    Not irrational at all...6 1/2 yrs and he hasn't committed to you yet...girl, you might need to start looking for other options or something to make him decide what he wants in his life and if it isnt you you need to go find your happiness
  • stefraab
    stefraab Posts: 402 Member
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    Maybe you just need to sit down and discuss it?
    I'm not a romantic really... I never expected my husband to propose to me. We discussed it, agreed it was what we both wanted, and went and got a ring together.

    Maybe he's just feeling intimidated about having so much on his shoulders?
  • SarahofTwins
    SarahofTwins Posts: 1,169 Member
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    First...Love your tattoo, very beautiful! Second...6 1/2 years is quite some time however I've known other people who have waited longer that are married now, then others who just got up and left. If you are at a different point in your life than he is then its time to get serious with talking the talk. Maybe take a break from it? Ultimately it will be up to you, but you know what is best and where you want to go at this time. Congrats on getting your degree as well! :flowerforyou:
  • sspetersen
    sspetersen Posts: 11 Member
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    I agree, fly free ... You shouldn't waste time with someone who either doesn't feel the same as you do, or doesn't have the same family goals. Its not an easy thing, but the right thing seldom is.

    ~Steph~
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
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    we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.
  • FaithandFitness
    FaithandFitness Posts: 653 Member
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    I would be frustrated too! You know him after 6 and a half years . . .is he going to ask you? I would give him a little time, bring it up again and see. If he is not game then you need to move on. If all that time doesn't bring an engagement then I don't think another year or two will. (It will just leave you frustrated and qualified to write a post about knowing him for 8 and a half years with no engagement)

    Some guys have been known to kick it into gear once their woman walks away . . .and the you can choose whether or not to return. If you walk away and he does nothing about it, well, then he doesn't sound like the right one for you. You deserve more!
  • bakebunny
    bakebunny Posts: 253
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    Yes, I think you are being irrational here. Yes, you want to get married. Yes you want to have kids. And you've decided he's it... unless he won't ask you. The men I have known don't like to be confronted in a public place about their feelings, or the progession of their relationship. You have told him how you feel and you've asked him to make his choice (and propose or not), right? Then step back and let him make his choice.

    If you have issued him an ultimatum - "ask me or you're out", then be prepared for the consequences.
  • Jenscan
    Jenscan Posts: 694 Member
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    Hmm.. I don't really know the answer to this, but I have some questions to mull over.

    Why do you want to be married to him? What did he say to that ultimatim you gave him? And, do you want to be married based on that ultimatim? Why are you depending on him, for anything? Why does he want to keep things the way they are? Are you okay with that?
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    My experience (similar situations in my life) and other people's life lessons is this:

    He isn't/won't/doesn't want to marry you.

    It stings, it hurts, but that's the reality of it.
  • TiniTurtle
    TiniTurtle Posts: 595 Member
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    i can relate completely, i'm hitting 4 years with mine in a few months. we've had the talk many times & i hear it & so does he constantly from family & friends. we're 25 & have degrees & jobs & both live at home with our parents still. (i won't live with him till we are engaged because his brother dated his now wife for 8 years with a 2 year engagement & i don't want that to be me). i don't want to give an ultimatum, he says he is ready & we've looked at rings, but then it's been almost a year of him saying the same stuff & no actions now. is it going to happen or is he placating me till he is ready? i don't want to pressure him & end up with him resenting me for pushing it before he was ready, but i'm ready to take the next steps in life too. what is your bf's opinion on getting engaged soon? mine uses finances as an excuse, like houses & weddings are expensive... logical but not romantic. i love him & am committed & happy with him, so i relate to not wanting to walk away after all these years, but after a certain point what is best for us & smart to say enough, we don't seem to have a future? we can't stay in the same phase of life forever, it's time to grow & progress.
  • justsummie
    justsummie Posts: 320 Member
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    Is he goal-oriented in other areas of his life such as his education and/or career? Does he want the same kind of future as you (kids, house in the suburbs or whatever)? Are most of his friends married?
  • Bigpelly8
    Bigpelly8 Posts: 504 Member
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    As they say, it's time to *kitten* or get off the pot!!! You clearly have made it known to him what you want out of life! You seem like you are a go getter and can accomplish whatever you want in life, so don't let a dude drag you down!! You have worked your butt off for you, and you alone! Be selfish, and take care #1 for a while!
  • kapeluza
    kapeluza Posts: 3,434 Member
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    My best friend and her BF were together for 10 years before they got engaged then married. Maybe you need to sit down and talk with him. Ask what his goals are? If he is even interested in marriage?
  • BEERRUNNER
    BEERRUNNER Posts: 3,049 Member
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    Drop him like a bag ot apples.......and come over to the awesomely tanned side!! Babycakes I will treat you right :love:

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